[HeavenlyFocus]

That is why you sound so healthy and strong; you put your own oxygen mask on first. This is great for both you and your children. Being a stable, strong parent is the best gift you can give them.

It also means that if reconciliation was to happen in the future, it would start at a much better place because you are at a healthier point.

Thank you Reinventing!   Totally agree about being at a healthier point in whatever relationship I develop with someone in the future.  It's odd but my XW still hasn't completely let me go yet.   With each passing day, I tend to detach more and more.   For now, I am just living one day at time and will see what the future holds in my life.

Yes, it's not always easy to play happy family.

This, as are the other dilemmas we face is a personal choice. I don't call it "playing happy family". After much soul searching and therapy, I determined that for my daughter's ability to have some kind of family life, we would celebrate certain holidays with her. She is an adult but she still suffers from the destruction of what was once a stable family.

She and I have discussed this and it is easier for her to do things this way rather than split her time between two parents.

Is it hard for me? Yes it is. But I also wanted to be healed enough that his presence would not shake me anymore. That is detachment I guess.

Yes xyzcf,

I am at least going to try to build some sort of family life.  If another person enters the picture, I don't think I can celebrate with another person in the room.   Would need to have clear boundaries to protect me except for significant events such as graduation, weddings, etc.

And yes most of friends and family still don't get what has happened to my XW.   I have stopped discussing as it's tough to understand unless you have been through this.   This is where the HS forum has been such a blessing.

Focusing my kids and most of all my relationship with God.  I have found peace in the past couple of months which has been wonderful.

HF

[xyzcf]

If another person enters the picture, I don't think I can celebrate with another person in the room.   Would need to have clear boundaries to protect me except for significant events such as graduation, weddings, etc.

This is my boundary as well. If I were to be in a relationship with another man, I would not continue to see Mr xyzcf for family things. That is when I would cut all ties with him.

I suspect but have no "proof" of other women in his life but he has kept her hidden or however many there have been hidden for over 13 years...and has never introduced anyone to my daughter so whoever she is, I know I wouldn't want that if I were in a relationship with someone.

Focusing my kids and most of all my relationship with God.  I have found peace in the past couple of months which has been wonderful.

That peace is a wonderful feeling. I do still question why we have to go through this trial and am always trying to tursy God and surrender it all to him.

Nice update HF.

[FaithWalker]

Great updates HF.  Where at in CO was your work trip?

[HeavenlyFocus]

This is my boundary as well. If I were to be in a relationship with another man, I would not continue to see Mr xyzcf for family things. That is when I would cut all ties with him.

I suspect but have no "proof" of other women in his life but he has kept her hidden or however many there have been hidden for over 13 years...and has never introduced anyone to my daughter so whoever she is, I know I wouldn't want that if I were in a relationship with someone.

Thanks Xyzcf,

It amazes me that it's been 2 years since BD and my XW still has kept things hidden.  I can't imagine how it would feel to live a compartmentalized life. 

Great updates HF.  Where at in CO was your work trip?

HI FW,   

Doing work in Boulder which is such a lovely town to visit.  I have been enjoying my trips flying to Denver and spending time a short drive away in Boulder.

HF

[FaithWalker]

Very neat HF.  Yes, Boulder is nice.  I love Fort Collins too.  Glad you are enjoying our beautiful state.  I am about 4 hours away from Denver.

I was able to meet up with xyzcf and another lbser that doesn't post on here anymore a few years ago, not the halfway point but a little closer to me than Denver.  Just recently on my trip with my M we ate at the same little restaurant that the 3 of us ate at when we met up.  It was nice.

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi FW,

Glad to hear that you are relatively close to the Denver area. I really have enjoyed my trips to there and hoping to get some skiing this winter.

Journaling

I really haven’t posted lately because there hasn’t been much to tell until the past week or so.  First, I am having the best trip with my girls for Thanksgiving.  We went to NYC for the week and saw the broadway show Hamilton.  It was amazing!  As I type this, we are waiting in the crowd to watch the Macy’s Thankgiving parade.  Crossing off a couple of bucket list items and it has been great to take a trip with my girls. 

As for my things with my XW, it has been mostly peaceful.  We had a really fun time celebrating my youngest daughter’s birthday in October and even had a dinner together with my daughters and 10 of the birthday girl’s friends. During dinner, I caught my XW wanting to say something and then she held back with a look of sadness. Not sure what it was, but I did see the human side of her for a moment.

I also got to see Monster come out for the first time in 6-8 months.  I dropped my daughters off for the week and my youngest came down with a fever.  I left for a work trip the next day and my XW had to take her to the doctor. She wanted me to pay for all of her medicine and complained that she had to miss work.  Asked when was the last time I took work off for the girls?     I only take care of all dental and most medical appointments.  Funny thing about MLCers and responsibility,  I shut the conversation down and told her I wasn’t going to be ugly and could talk in person when I get back.  Monster eventually went away.  😎

Lastly, I have officially joined the ranks of a dog owner (part-time). My XW wanted to get a dog for my oldest D and I let her know I would only consider it later this summer. Well, the MLCer got the dog anyway.  Although I wasn’t happy with the disrespect getting the dog without my permission,  I had a week to think about it when I went away for the work.  For my D, it will be a good thing.  I was able to work it out and will make some adjustments to my budget.  The dog will live at each house and go with my daughter:  I can still travel for work without any problems on my off weeks.

Very thankful for the time I have spent with my girls this week.  For newbies, GAL and don’t look back all the time.  There is still so much joy post BD.

HF

[MadLuv]

Your trip sounds amazing and although not totally planned the new dog will bring a lot more love. Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy the parade!!

[UrsaMajor]

She wanted me to pay for all of her medicine and complained that she had to miss work.  Asked when was the last time I took work off for the girls?     I only take care of all dental and most medical appointments.  Funny thing about MLCers and responsibility,  I shut the conversation down and told her I wasn’t going to be ugly and could talk in person when I get back.  Monster eventually went away.

MLC'ers and Responsibility go together like "Screen Door" and "Submarine."

I haven't gotten a monster but the occasional complaint... That is what being a single parent means...

And, the classic "I will take D11 to her Orthodontist appointments because I want to know what is going on..."

Who takes D11 to her Orthodontist appointments? It is NOT MLCxW...

[HeavenlyFocus]

Thanks ML and UM for your replies.

Journaling:

Well, it's been a busy holiday season since I got back from NYC over Thanksgiving.  I am still beaming from my trip with my girls and it has provided me with the memories that will help me as I spend my first Christmas away from them.

The new dog is working out really well and in the long run will be a good thing.   It's still going to be a challenge over this next 6 months and it was difficult when we had the kids athletic events two straight weekends in December.    My D15 was complaining about the dog having to spend so much time in her cage and I told her that this is how it will be this Spring and why I wanted to wait until the summer to get a dog.   We will do our best to love and support the Dog but want D15 to learn that there are consequences for decisions in life.

I try not to spend too much time thinking about XW anymore but the one trigger that I still have is when she still lies about her "fake work trips" when she goes away for a couple of days.  She has had two trips this fall where she left early on Sunday and came back Tuesday evening exclaiming it was for work.  Well, there is no reason for her to leave early on Sunday for her job.   All work in relatively close.   It doesn't bother me personally but I still have issues with her lying to our kids.   You would think 2+ years later that she would finally come forward with this secret life but she still is keeping it hidden from our girls and our mutual friends.    How awful it must be to live a secret life.

I guess I am at a point of acceptance and just want her to move on and own up to her decisions.  I am focused on my life and it will be her story to tell our girls what happened.   I am proud of how I have handled things and will continue to be there for my girls.

Really looking forward to peace and downtime this holiday.  There is plenty of NFL football, Premiere League futbol, and college football to keep my busy over the holiday.   Planning to get together with some friends to watch while my girls are away.

I hope everyone in the HS Family has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!   

HF

[FaithWalker]

Maintaining her secret life is probably the only thing keeping that relationship intact.  It will all slowly unravel for her, most likely.

You just keep on moving forward knowing that you have integrity.  Enjoy your football get-togethers!  My team was a major let-down this year.