Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story J to the B part 3

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 12742
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
My Story J to the B part 3
#90: June 24, 2025, 05:22:45 AM


Time to hammer...
  • Logged
Me - 62, xW - 55
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 18, D - 14
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1938
  • Gender: Female
J to the B part 3
#91: July 01, 2025, 08:20:18 PM
Home improvement projects that I used to go non stop, now have to be done in bits here and there. So, I hear ya!!!  Hey, I’m a texan!!!  Glad to see your enjoying some travels
  • Logged
There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2025 granddaughter born( XH not told)
                   XH did not send his kids and grandson bday or xmas gift this year.
May 2026 grandson due ( XH not told)

J
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 558
  • Gender: Male
J to the B part 3
#92: August 17, 2025, 05:35:07 PM
Hey, I’m a texan!!!  Glad to see your enjoying some travels

:) I probably get along better with most Texans than most New Mexicans...

Well, well, well... Had my weekly call with my stepmom and sister this morning, and my stepmom commented that she hadn't seen my ex-wife post anything on Facebook in a long time. (I didn't think they were still connected as friends, so I don't think she would see anything normally.) This afternoon I get a screenshot from my stepmom, showing posts from my ex that she's moved back to her hometown (where we met and got married) and got her business license to resume working there.

I didn't really need to see that, but... (My stepmom probably forgot the "don't keep me posted" memo. :) ) Not a big surprise, but I guess she didn't make all of the friends or find the adventures she expected on the east coast. I wonder if her sister moved back as well, since her hometown has become a very expensive place to live. Her sister could have finally retired, but I imagine she would have gotten tired of moving all over the place at my ex-wife's behest.

This is sooner than I expected; based on our ten years, ex-wife seemed to get bored of things at the five year mark. She was reeeeeeally eager to leave the northwest when we moved here; in particular she was tired of her old friends not reaching out/setting up events/wanting to hear her roller derby stories any more. I guess she can get another year of exciting catching up with them, and then go back to being ignored.  ;) Oddly, a week or two ago I received a password reset code email for my FB account. I think that's her trying to see what I'm up to, based on previous similar events. She never did untag me from our photos together.

I'm not sure why this feels unsettling, although I know a lot of you out there get a little off-kilter from later contacts, etc. I still miss her, but I don't think I could ever trust her again, and who knows what she's been up to in the meantime. There were red flags when we were dating that I let slide, but hindsight is 20:20.

Back to busy projects at work and around the house. Hopefully I can find a break long enough to take a little vacation; I've got an in-state motorcycle trip planned out, and got myself a SPOT Tracker so I feel better about venturing off into remote areas by myself. I'm not sure when I'm going to have time to go camping, either; it's been too hot this summer.

I hope you're all doing well!

JB
  • Logged
Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of starts and stops. They're ends we don't desire, but they're inevitable and we have to face them. That's what being human is all about.  -Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop

J
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 558
  • Gender: Male
J to the B part 3
#93: August 18, 2025, 08:44:43 AM
p.s. just to clarify, I'm not wishing hard times for my ex... I'm glad she's moving back to a familiar place where she's comfortable, but I'm not sure it's going to be the miracle cure. The place has changed significantly in recent years (one of the reasons she was originally happy to leave), and we all change too. If she hasn't resolved any of her unhappiness, "wherever you go, there you are."
  • Logged
Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of starts and stops. They're ends we don't desire, but they're inevitable and we have to face them. That's what being human is all about.  -Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3506
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
J to the B part 3
#94: September 04, 2025, 07:36:53 PM
p.s. just to clarify, I'm not wishing hard times for my ex... I'm glad she's moving back to a familiar place where she's comfortable, but I'm not sure it's going to be the miracle cure. The place has changed significantly in recent years (one of the reasons she was originally happy to leave), and we all change too. If she hasn't resolved any of her unhappiness, "wherever you go, there you are."


Yes if they don't do the deep work and are just looking for a miracle cure a change of location means nothing in the vast scheme of things.  Clint Black and co-writer Hayden Nicholas definitely got it right.
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

J
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 558
  • Gender: Male
J to the B part 3
#95: September 09, 2025, 09:53:23 PM
Sitting here with a power outage and not tired enough to go to bed (on the plus side I haven't seen a thunderstorm this awesome in a while), and realized the moderators deserve a shout out for keeping things running on the board. Reopening old threads, removing legal names, etc. Thank you all!

And Faith, you pulled the scab off of one of my great musical regrets: the year we moved here, Clint Black did a free show at the city July 4th celebration, and I didn't go see it!  ::)  (The other regret was not buying one of the last tickets to see Steve Martin play banjo in a show with Edie Brickell at Seattle Symphony Hall.)

Hugs to all who are struggling.

JB
  • Logged
Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of starts and stops. They're ends we don't desire, but they're inevitable and we have to face them. That's what being human is all about.  -Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1938
  • Gender: Female
J to the B part 3
#96: September 11, 2025, 07:48:52 PM
Only on here once and a while, but had to comment on the 5 year boredom. That seems to be another common thing amongst these MLCers. Boredom, need for change, outside validation and so on and so on.  Kudos to you for wishing her the best. I don’t think I feel that way anymore, but my X seems to be an extreme case with his actions that I think a little karma would do him good. Hahah

Funny how your step mom watches a little. I’m sure if my mom was a live she would do the same.

Man, the Steve Martin would have been cool!!!!
  • Logged
There is almost something harder about someone being alive and having to lose what you believed to be true of them than someone actually dying.

Married July 1991
Jan 2018 BD1 moved out I filed for Div/ H stopped it
Oct 2018 moved back
Oct 2020 BD2
Feb 2021 Div-29 1/2 years
July 2021 Married OW
Feb 2022  XH fired
June 2022 XH bring OW to meet family due to xMIL illness
May 2023 went NC after telling XH we could not be friends
Aug 2023 XH moves w/o OWife
May 2024 xMIL visits XH/OW in their new home
Aug 2024 cut relations w/XH fam.
Dec 2025 granddaughter born( XH not told)
                   XH did not send his kids and grandson bday or xmas gift this year.
May 2026 grandson due ( XH not told)

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3506
  • Gender: Female
  • Time is a Gift! 🎁
J to the B part 3
#97: September 12, 2025, 09:34:29 PM
And Faith, you pulled the scab off of one of my great musical regrets: the year we moved here, Clint Black did a free show at the city July 4th celebration, and I didn't go see it!  ::)  (The other regret was not buying one of the last tickets to see Steve Martin play banjo in a show with Edie Brickell at Seattle Symphony Hall.)

oooh sorry to reopen a wound

That is a bummer that you missed out on a free Clint Black show!
  • Logged
Survival Instructions for Newbies

The Apology Every LBS Deserves

My Journey

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

J
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 558
  • Gender: Male
J to the B part 3
#98: March 08, 2026, 08:16:13 PM
Not really related to MLC, but the skills built therefrom. In September 2024 I was recruited into a different department by co-worker CC. CC and I were leads on similar systems, and had offices next to each other when in those jobs. He was having a hard time with his manager and had moved to this other department maybe a year before I did. The project we we're on has three years (until September 2027) to figure out how to adapt existing hardware into a new system, design and produce new electronic and mechanical hardware to make it work, and show that it worked in an operational environments test. This company and the other companies we partner with have developed a ridiculous amount of paperwork over the past few decades due to market circumstances; now the circumstances have changed, and we have to move fast.

CC recruited a total of about 20 core people for this project. He predicted that everything would go great as long as we stayed under the upper management radar. We did not. We've been going like gangbusters, and middle management started selling this in a way they shouldn't have. Also, a group parallel to ours lost a big project and has been maneuvering to take over our project for the past 9-12 months. (They didn't actually lose theirs, it just moved to a different site; they could have stayed on under the other sites' direction.) As a result, while the top two officials at our primary customer thinks this is exactly what we need to be doing, and we at the line level know we're doing something necessary, people in the middle have no idea what program is what, or where funding is actually going. Our secondary customer started sticking their nose in things, and we're going way to fast for them. (The would be ready about ten years after our goal.)

So, we've been facing loss of funding due to a fixed set of funds being shuffled around, and having to fund the "predatory" department because their big showboat project (grander version of ours) hasn't found its own funding yet. CC is pretty pi$$ed about this; he wrote our project plan, negotiated the deliverables, and has talked to more people in leadership than the number of people I even know. It would be different if they just immediately said they were pulling the plug, since there are lots of other projects to work on. But this has been at least nine months of death by a thousand cuts. At the current rate, we'll run out of our program funding in mid-April, right after we finish our third system-level characterization test. We've already started telling people who are on loan from other departments to take other opportunities if they find one they like.

For me, thanks to my time in LBS land, I'm much more detached from the whole dumpster fire. There are lots of parallels to dealing with MLC:
  • All of the outside groups have their own opinions, preconceptions, and motivations
  • No matter how good our specific project is or how good we are at it, we can't make anyone outside see that
  • At this point, even if we received full restoration of funding tomorrow, our project has been irrevocably changed, and
  • By clinging to the project we "fell in love with" as it was 1.5 years ago, we could be missing out on other, even better opportunities (this one is a little different; there are moral and spiritual reasons to stick with someone through bad times, but the work situation is really just a job)

Of course, this is tough for people to take, so I've been feeding it out slowly. Our manager has already found side projects for me, CC, and our other top lead, but people get frustrated by that too. I'm the only one who has been through a divorce (and I'm 10-20 years older than everyone else), which is probably why I have a different take on things.  But, as our group's ersatz Morale, Welfare, and Recreation officer, I'm trying to be supportive and slowly give people things to think about.

But I didn't come here to talk about work problems, I came here to talk about AI and music. I designed both of our challenge coins, have come up with alternate logos based on different circumstances, and most recently we were planning to use one of the AI song generators to write our project theme song, in the style of Lynyrd Skynyrd. But when I was reading posts last night, and saw Zartheit's links, something in the deep archives of my mind reminded me that someone already wrote a song about our project!

(This is definitely a few aisles over from Zartheit's selections in the music store...)  :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqwMbHAMAX8&list=RDPqwMbHAMAX8&start_radio=1
  • Logged
Everything has a beginning and an end. Life is just a cycle of starts and stops. They're ends we don't desire, but they're inevitable and we have to face them. That's what being human is all about.  -Jet Black, Cowboy Bebop

R
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2486
J to the B part 3
#99: March 11, 2026, 07:11:52 PM
Yes, I have found that learning about detachment actually helped in other aspects of life. I sometimes think back and remember that excruciating pain and that I clawed out of that minute by minute and realize that other things in life end up looking like small potatoes in comparison.
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.