[MadLuv]

Great journalling Z and so very accurate and normal on the waves and cycling we go through. I think the more we feel and address and acknowledge the sooner we get to the place that we can handle and move forward. It’s painful and I never thought it would end, but it does. It does get better. Gone? No, but better.

[Treasur]

I think a lot of us here recognise or remember similar thoughts and feelings to those you shared here. As MadLuv says, they do settle down with time and it gets better and easier. Tends to take a bit longer than we imagine perhaps, but the internal rollercoaster does settle down. Does it all disappear? As others have said, maybe not….this was/is a life altering experience and it tends to affect our lens on the world longer term. Not necessarily in an extreme way, but it is tricky to see things in quite the same way one once did. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing tbh - I think it’s just a thing. I don’t always like that -  I rather liked my pre BD lens on quite a lot of life lol - but I accept it.

[zartheit]

marvin4242, MadLuv
Thank you both for the reassurance. It's interesting how some black text can be so calming and make me feel "normal". You're both right, it does get better. It's almost frightening to admit that. I seem to have linked "getting better" with "wanting the relationship to end", and disentangling that took a long time, with most of it because I didn't want to.


Treasur
I agree. The way I conceive of myself is fundamentally altered. My view of the world is much more nuanced, contains more depth, but also the loss of innocence and naivety is missed. In a lot of ways it was quite comforting, but comforting in words and not actions.


Hello all. It's been a few months and I felt the urge to share where I'm at.

My first quarter as a professor is over and I'm mostly finished with grades. It was interesting being at the front of a class instead of in a seat. Not a bad experience but it didn't give me what I didn't even know I wanted out of it. That's alright. I'm glad I did it, even if I don't particularly want to teach another class for the time being. I now believe that, while I enjoy teaching people, I more enjoy sharing things I am passionate about. If the people I'm sharing with are similarly motivated it is an incredible moment, but when they're there because they want points it is more frustrating for us both. I did connect with a few students, which was quite valuable.

My "day job" is going ok. I'm not as focused as I used to be. It takes me a lot longer to get into a groove, and even hitting a groove is now quite rare. I've drifted to less technical tasks, but I'm hoping eventually I can dive back in. Time will tell.

As for relationships, this has been a strange development. A lot of my friends in the area I now see as "vacant". That's a pretty loaded term, so I'll rephrase and say that I'm not getting what I want out of some relationships. This has significantly altered basically all of my friendships. I did meet a new friend, which has been nice. It has further showcased how much effort relationships are and I find myself just taking the path of least resistance and keeping to myself. My own analysis of this is that I don't have the energy to sustain "being me" in front of tons of new potential friends--at least for the time being. Maybe that means that I truly haven't found myself as then I wouldn't find it draining to put myself out there. I don't know.

I've been writing off and on. Mostly some incredibly depressing poetry, but some essays and short stories as well. I go hiking usually every week. I tend to walk most places, which slows the pace down substantially which helps on two fronts. I've been reading a lot more fiction and poetry, which has been nice. I lift weights a few times a week and read some philosophy in between sets (On Liberty has been great for detachment, surprisingly). I meditate every morning and do some morning and evening affirmations. I feel like I have stabilized.

With respect to my wife, well... I guess it's the same story we're all familiar with. She has only initiated contact to say she wants a divorce (in such a passive way that it is genuinely worthy of a chuckle) but never followed up. I initiated some emails about filing jointly for taxes. Eventually we filed jointly, but went through an intermediary accountant. The whole interaction was quite bizarre. I believe that she is not employed but she kept emphasizing aspects of her job, or using her work as the reason certain things weren't possible, etc. I thanked her for her flexibility and that was the last I've heard from her.

I don't really see a way forward from this. I do still care for her. I would quite enjoy having her be a part of my life again but it feels like a fantasy, some way of soothing an unhealed wound that I'm not consciously aware of. I recognize that there is no crystal ball but it also feels damaging to hope someone that has made such decisions will eventually make completely different decisions. I truly cannot imagine her ever reaching out to me for anything. My understanding of her avoidance and codependency does not fill me with hope for her ever facing her share of responsibility in how our relationship ended. I suppose I'm craving clarity. I'm out of ideas for the time being.

And in other news, yesterday was my BD anniversary. A whole year, and I didn't even buy a cake. I remember how tense the house was in the weeks leading up to it, as I desperately denied it all trying to regain normalcy. The bomb itself was delivered unceremoniously right after lunch. She walks into my office to tell me she is no longer going to wear her ring as it symbolizes that she was putting the relationship above herself. This was her compromise. I asked "if this is the middle ground, what was the far ground?" and was told flatly "a legal separation". She always was a good negotiator, when she needed to be. We ended the conversation with an embrace and me telling her that I support her and want her to feel valued. I somehow kept it together throughout that but melted into the ground over the coming months. I believe I've now picked myself out of all of the crevices in the floorboards.

Not quite sure what I'm looking for. A year on, nothing is resolved. I could formally end it but I doubt it'd bring the relief I'm craving. Likewise, I'm doing quite well. I struggle some days but it feels much different. I appreciate those heavy and "ugly" feelings. We sit with one another and grow to better understand. I had a recent day where I was sobbing nonstop, but even that day wasn't quite so bad. I've grown to trust myself in ways I didn't know was possible, and see how much more I want to grow. I allow myself to take up space in ways I was frightened to and most people around me seems to respond positively to that. I have a routine but it isn't rigid. I miss the intimacy, the connection, the sense that someone knows and cares for me, but I'm realizing more and more that those were numbing agents for my own fears and insecurities.

Things are different but they're not bad. I never would have imagined, let alone expected, to be where I am, but I'm ok.

[zartheit]

I'm down this morning. I'll jump right to it and attempt to drain what is swirling around in my mind.

Yesterday was a Good Day. I was buried in work and finally identified the issue I had been hunting. I went to meet someone for coffee to answer questions about an open position on my team, which went quite well. I get back and notice a large white envelope in my mailbox.

I know exactly what it is. I open it and find papers with helpful notes and friendly labels and thoughtful explanations prepared for by a company specializing in uncontested and simple divorces. I read over them a few times and internalize absolutely nothing of substance. I note her signature on July 24. I note the last communication we had was in April initiated by me for taxes. I see she wants to be removed from the mortgage and gives me roughly 2 years to do it. This implies a refinance within 4 years (at the latest) of having acquired the loan. Thanks babe.

At this point my stomach was a boiling kettle with flames licking up into my neck. I could feel it in my arms and hands. I paced for a bit. And then it relented. I began to call my support network but didn't get what I needed out of those interactions. I put on my sad-girl playlist and cooked myself dinner to the refrain of "how could you?"

I'm ok. It sounds absurd. I am imagining myself reading those words at bomb drop, when she took off her ring, when she moved out... I remember that utter terror, alienation, "wrongness", and can truthfully say: it gets better. It's not easy. The emotions don't shrink, you just grow. You don't become (what I imagined) a zen monk (would be). You don't enjoy, or like, or relish the experience. You simply experience it.

This isn't what I want. I doubt I'll ever understand. I can't imagine I'll ever get an explanation that I can understand. Another mystery to add to the collection. That's ok.

Looking over the past year, I have no regrets. Well, no big regrets. Sure, I have tactical re-imaginings. Different phrasings, more this, less that, whatever. It wouldn't have changed anything. That's fine. I see this as a natural desire for improvement more than a starter motor on the rumination machine. For the big stuff, I showed the firetruck up. I feel immense pride at how I handled this situation. I would not really change any of that, which is another absurd thing to imagine reading. I can safely close this book. I don't need to re-open it. It is settled. It is resolved. I did everything with the purest of intentions. I don't trust, I KNOW that is all I could have done.

What emotions do I have? Likely the same at bomb drop, now that I think of it. Unlike bomb drop which was staring into the sun, this is looking at a high-resolution photo from a radio telescope while sipping tea. Everything feels so much more orderly. A simple line instead of a riot. I feel that betrayal. Hurt and confusion. Immense confusion. I feel disappointed. How could something so beautiful receive such a pathetic end? How did I fall in love with someone capable of this? What did I miss? The shame at being a participant in a failed marriage. That fear. I'll never escape this feeling, I'll never be connected with another person, I'll never never never.

I let these emotions run through me. I serve as their conduit patiently transmitting whatever they need to express, grateful for the opportunity to feel so deeply. Life is good. Life is good as an axiom, a tautology. I have my sweet cat popping in every once in a while to interrogate me as to why I'm not rubbing her. I have my desk, my music, my books, my notepads. I cannot imagine giving all of this up, burning all of this down.

I'm late for work and I'm ok with that. I'll cancel some meetings, go to the gym, and get something nice for lunch. I'll probably write whatever is compelled to come out and take a bath, maybe hang out with some people. Tomorrow I'll go buy those stained glass materials I've been wanting and putting off. Sunday I'll lounge around and read. It's all good. I'm ok.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaxXSyHgbRQ

[Treasur]

You sound pretty solid, all things considered.
You might be feeling worse, the same or even better by the time you read this. Bc those ‘white envelope’ moments are a gut punch, aren’t they, and can stir up a whole sludge of emotions.

I’m presuming that legally you feel sufficiently secure that you have no need for your own legal/financial advice? Do you want to keep the house you bought together or would it suit you better to sell it, split any profit and buy somewhere else of your own? Just a reminder though….you don’t have to agree to the current proposal just bc she wants it that way if there is anything in it which is not in your own best interests.

Like you, but years on, there is a great deal that I don’t understand about what happened and why. Not bc I didn’t try lol, but bc it was ultimately incomprehensible to me based on my own experience to date and the information available to me. Like you, I found a way to accept that eventually and make peace with it. I suspect longer-term it will matter to you that you have no big regrets about how you responded to your wife throwing a big grenade into the middle of her life and yours….that you know you did your best in a pretty impossible situation. And that is not nothing, is it?

[forthetrees]

You sound like you have gone through the fire and have been forged and tempered- that tempering makes you strong, not brittle. The mystery of it all does not seem to fade with time though the acceptance of having no answers does increase. Part of me hopes for the Hallmark moment of apology and explanation, or at least an explanantion:)

If you google, "Williams and Byrne glass painters method", you will find an AMAZING trove of information about stained glass- these guys are true masters and have on-line resources and newsletters.

[MadLuv]

So, on the home. You stated that she wanted to be off the mortgage requiring you to refinance. I don't know how much equity is in the house, but if she is only asking to be removed and not asking for equity I would jump on that.  We had a home and a condo. I kept the home and he kept the condo. The home had by fat the most equity which I got. I’m sorry you are facing that white envelope moment. All your feels are completely normal and understandable. It is all just so hard to grasp sometimes where the tipping point started in them that got us here.

[zartheit]

Thank you all for the care and advice. It's more comforting than makes any sense to me, not that I'm complaining!

Treasur
I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of change. I'm tired of marking time periods by "the <x> house", "the <y> apartment" instead of years. I'm going to sit and pay the mortgage, as obnoxious as it is, until something changes. I don't quite know what my conditions are, but I just want to focus on as few things as I can get away with for the time being.

But to answer your actual question: the deal isn't a bad one, as uncomfortable as it is for me. I had a lawyer review it and voiced my complaint to which he replied, "you are NOT going to get anything better from a judge". I signed the paperwork and dropped it in the mail. I expect to receive my divorce certificate in the mail sometime in December. It's not quite the gift I was hoping for, but I am trying to be more grateful these days.

forthetrees
I am embarrassed to admit how much I long for an apology. "I am sorry. I am sorry I did this. I didn't know what to do and I handled it in the worst way possible. I am sorry." I have a few of these scattered around in my journal and I don't know why I think they would do anything for me. I still want them.

Thank you for the protip! This all looks great. These dudes seem like they've done this before.

MadLuv
Nice work on the home/condo trade!

Initially she just wanted to be removed from the mortgage and I told her that I wouldn't do that as long as we were married. When she moved out like a week later I pitched a deal to which she accepted, which was half of the equity at the time when she stopped contributing to the joint account. What a romantic I was! I guess I don't strictly regret the approach, as it was incredibly fair, but to anyone reading this: you can't nice them back! Oh well. It at least doesn't hurt my ability to sleep at night.


And some classic journaling. I had a... rough few days. I almost forgot that a person could feel like this. I feel that most of my posts are somehow triumphant and I want to be more encompassing and share some of the lower points.

Yesterday I was on edge from everything having this isolating and antagonistic verve. That loneliness was bearing down on me with the weight of the entire sky. I don't like this. I don't like that this is my life. I don't want this. I'm tired of this being real. I just want it all to go away. Whether or not she is even in my life, at this point. I want certainty. I want to feel differently. I am so tired of feeling like this. Everything feels so hard. It's a cold and uncaring universe. Abandoned in the desert. I want comradery and music and lush vegetation. The sharp pain of her betrayal seems to be internalized and processed, which leaves space for the overwhelming aching grief of the loss. I didn't quite realize this until the end of the day.

Today I wake up and the sorrow attacks. I can barely work in spurts. I am frightened to leave the house. I sit with myself and do my best to soothe the fear. I negotiate a deal to go to the grocery store and postpone working out for another day. I feel immense pride as I grab a bag and walk down the street, a personal cheering section in some corner of my head. I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I enter the store. I haven't been this low in probably 9 months, but the growth is in the gentle nudging and compromise and movement; the belief that this void that swallowed me will eventually vomit me back out.

She is gone. She left me. She has made this choice, as confusing as it was for me. She committed herself to a series of steps, all in the proper sequence, to sever our relationship as thoroughly as she was able. This isn't a mistake or a fleeting urge. It is a choice that she has made and slowly ratcheted towards.

And I still want her. I am doing my best to be kind to myself and try to understand that more fully. I've disentangled the need for her to love me as a metric of my value, the regrets as a method of controlling intimacy to prevent future pain, and my own love freely given. I can see more of her faults instead of just my own now. My thought is "oh boy, how will we work through these?" instead of "well, at least now I know what to look out for". I don't know what I expect, but it feels a bit frightening that I am still holding on so tightly to someone that has divorced me, that clearly does not want me and communicated that quite explicitly at this point. It feels like I am grabbing a burning log from the fire. I don't know how to let go.

There is nothing left of us. I wish we could just... sit in the same room how we used to. I wish I could feel her soft skin. I wish we could laugh together, be playful like we always were. And I likely won't ever even hear her voice again. Never again.

I'm hopeful that this wave will crest soon. I'm doing what I can to swim along the swell instead of to flail with fear. I've swallowed less water than in past cycles, but I still haven't developed a taste for the exhaustion and terror. It would be nice if I could surf. Switching metaphors, I read a book called "We Were Made for These Times" in which the author talks of hunkering down in the roots of a tree during a storm. I'm doing my best to head from the leaves and limbs to the safety of those deep roots, at least for now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqDaufvk6DU

[Helpnewc]

That was powerful.

I know those feelings well. It had to matter. The answer is it did.

Facing the harsh reality of the one you loved most planning to leave but not telling you is gut wrenching.

To be certain of your love but to not have it returned is an exquisite type of pain. But I would rather feel it that be numb.

But to feel. To be alive. And to have loved. What a gift it was.

[Treasur]

It sounds as if you have past personal experience of depression and anxiety?
I am going to strongly encourage you to prioritise your mental and physical health right now bc it sounds as if you are currently experiencing depression, anxiety and grief. Which is normal. But needs to be treated with respect imho so it is a patch not a pit.
How?
Get an IC if you don’t have one, ideally one that understands how to work with trauma. The focus should be less on why you are where you are, but more on how you safely navigate through where you are.

Start doing small things every day whether you want to or not….physical things….focus on sleep, food, fresh air, moving your body to move your mindset.
Doesn’t matter what you do….different things work for different people….experiment until you find one’s that work for you. Make appointments with yourself to do x at y time and just do it. Forgive yourself the odd fall and keep going anyway.

And mental self care? Think of it as a 3 month programme….small things again….little routines…..get up at the same time each day, write 3 things you are grateful for every day, keep a journal, listen to music, spend time with people who are kind and nice, find things that give you glimmers of pleasure whatever that is for you, try a few tiny new or different things, set yourself some small goals, paint a room in your house or buy a new sofa you like. And it’s ok if they are teeny tiny small bc these things add up without you noticing! The tricky bit is doing them until you see that 

I know you can do these things bc you told us already that you did initially.
Think of it as being a short stay in the emergency room of life and physiotherapy afterwards to get back on your feet.
Do whatever makes you feel a little bit safer and a little bit stronger at the same time.

And, for now, avoid booze, drugs, appealing women and big upending life decisions that can’t easily be changed  There will be time for that….but this is not that time. This is like a kind of winter in preparation for spring.

You probably have hundreds of questions screaming round your head about why your wife did what she did in the way that she did. Normal again. You have done tremendously well imho to accept that she did do those things and that most of it was outwith your control. Most of the questions you have currently will go without clear answers for a while; some may never be answered exactly. Your job now is to focus on how to make peace with what you don’t understand or know and drag yourself to solid ground anyway. With time, this gets easier to do. The same is true for grief….I’m not sure that grief ever entirely goes away but it gets smaller as the rest of life expands around it.

I’m going to recommend a couple of books if you’re a reader….
Second Firsts by Christina Rasmussen.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

We get how dark and grim this chapter feels but we can also promise you that it will not always feel how it feels today.