[MadLuv]

Once the dust settles that is exactly what helped me. Look what they put us through and we don’t behave this way. The problem is that we are so anxious to change their direction that all their behavior just verifies to us that they have lost their mind.  I think for me it wasn’t that I couldn’t accept something was terribly wrong, but wanting to save him from Himself and from destroying our family with more mistakes that could not be reversed.

Bottom line is that you cant. You cant save them. They have to save themselves and we have to let them go and make all the mistakes  they are making and will make. We have to let them destroy the foundation of  our families and destroy themselves. That’s the most important acceptance for me at least. You can’t save anyone but yourself. That is and was the number one thing I wish from the beginning I could have accepted. 

[marvin4242]

You can’t save anyone but yourself. That is and was the number one thing I wish from the beginning I could have accepted.

I just wanted to quote and emphasize this, I could not agree more. It is true in life just as much as it is in dealing with our MLCers.

[Nas]

You can’t save anyone but yourself. That is and was the number one thing I wish from the beginning I could have accepted.

I just wanted to quote and emphasize this, I could not agree more. It is true in life just as much as it is in dealing with our MLCers.

Something I used to think about also is the reality of what the dynamic in our relationship would have been like if I were even able to “save” him. Contemplating that was actually an important step in my acceptance and moving forward, that understanding that a healthy partnership could never be achieved by me rescuing him from whatever inner turmoil I thought he was experiencing.
It’s not a dynamic I would accept in any relationship, having one person who “saved” the other. It sounds almost Disneyfied in a certain sense, and it’s the opposite of the kind of intentional connection I want and came to understand through this experience that I absolutely deserve. And since I cannot ask something of a partner that I could not give in return, the only thing I could do was move forward and do the work I needed to do on myself, for myself.

The best we can do as those farther along the path is to present a good example of what's on the other side, once people are ready. And they will be.

True, but I think there is also something to be said for those of us who’ve been there pointing out some of the ugly truth, even when it’s painful. R2T, I will never forget when you were my mentor (back when newbies were assigned mentors) and you said something to me the very day I found out about the OW that literally changed my mindset instantaneously. And I don’t think that you had the intention of doing that when you said it, but I needed to hear it. You said, and I quote, “he has recoupled.”

As simple as that. Three simple words that told me that my husband was in a new relationship. It was not a fantasy (unreal), he was not battling his way through a foggy tunnel, he was not playing out a movie role. My very real husband and his very real new girlfriend were in a very real relationship. Reality. It really did bite. Hard.

I wasn’t ready to hear it, but by the time I was ready to hear it, I wouldn’t have needed to hear it as badly. So I am very glad that those who came before me were there to help me see and accept reality.

[Atari25]

Once the dust settles that is exactly what helped me. Look what they put us through and we don’t behave this way. The problem is that we are so anxious to change their direction that all their behavior just verifies to us that they have lost their mind.  I think for me it wasn’t that I couldn’t accept something was terribly wrong, but wanting to save him from Himself and from destroying our family with more mistakes that could not be reversed.

Bottom line is that you cant. You cant save them. They have to save themselves and we have to let them go and make all the mistakes  they are making and will make. We have to let them destroy the foundation of  our families and destroy themselves. That’s the most important acceptance for me at least. You can’t save anyone but yourself. That is and was the number one thing I wish from the beginning I could have accepted.

I still have trouble accepting there is something wrong with my wife. I was in denial for months and months before I realized it probably was her and not me. When someone has been a certain way for 28 years it's very hard to change your view of who and what they are.