[Dragonfly33]

I just wanted to reiterate that I am so thankful of the veterans here who served as my guiding star during this difficult process. Your insights helped me find that way when everything was so fuzzy during the time I was still in that limbo.I can never thank enough the people who patiently  listened to me here and continued to give their advise. You are all an angel in disguise.

Journaling

Yesterday, I had a session with my IC and while I was on the way there, I thought to myself I would tell her it would be my last session. I felt light and happy and I thought there's no more need to go there. Well, I ended up being teary eyed again. Just when you thought you're ok, there are still things that linger. I told my therapist that I didnt have the courage to tell my relatives about the divorce and they didn't ask me about it either. So I thought there was no need of telling them during the time of my vacation because I wasn't ready. She asked me if it's because I wasn't ready or if I still haven't accepted the reality that we are now divorced. I said to her, I wasn't ready and I knew I would cry in front of them if I had to tell the story. And for me, it shows weakness. We are not used to showing everyone that we're crying. As much as possible you show that poker face that you are ok. That is still something  I am working on. But then she pointed out, that this is something very important, to tell my family about it. To make it a reality on that part part of my life as obviously this family is very important for me. I then realized, she was right. I still haven't totally accepted that we are divorced now, otherwise I would have asked my mom to put away the picture frames of my wedding. But I didn't because I wanted it to be there. Gosh, this journey is indeed a marathon. But I am getting there. Telling the rest of my family is the last hurdle in this journey for me.

On the dating front, I've been seeing this guy from a dating app. And for now we're just friends and I am enjoying this part of my life. It's nice to know someone is interested in you. I feel better about myself, I feel more confident. Here in this country where I live in, the whole thing feels real. My therapist also pointed it out to me. But in my home country, I haven't made it real yet. And that is something I am working on right now. Apparently, I am avoiding that part because of my fears of being judged. And she was right. So, my journey continues. Most important thing is I have come out stronger and better.

[MadLuv]

DF- I went every week to IC , then every other, then once a month and then I told her I will contact you it I need to talk. I have gone back 2 times. Things that come up I have notes on my phone and I kind of list them so if I do Go I can go over different things that gave me pause. We can be generally doing better and even ok, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have things still hit you.

[Dragonfly33]

Hi everyone, It's been a month I haven't updated here. There's really not much going on in my life right now except work, family and friends. As for that guy I was dating, I just got ghosted from one day to the other. He was someone who would constantly text me even during his work time to somebody who just totally disappeared. Well, the dating world now is totally different from what I used to know. I feel like people just want casual things which for me is really unimaginable. Before BD I would have thought there was something wrong with me and would start running after these guys. But now, I just let them go. It was still a nice experience though but not worth the chase. My friend told me, I was using this guy to forget about my ex or to do a revenge. And she thought I was so desperate to have a relationship. I don't think I am desperate to have a relationship. Just because I don't want to play this casual/situationship $h!te nowadays, doesn't mean I am desperate to have a serious relationship. Yes I would like to be in a serious relationship and not play around with different men.  some of you here are very lucky to find a decent partner. With what I experienced, I think it's almost impossible. People treat people nowadays as commodities

As for my MLC front, I had to contact my H this weekend due to some property we have. He just needs to sign a legal document and it's been quite a pain since the land is in my home country and where I live now, the rules are different.. Fortunately, my ex has been cooperative and I hope this will be settled soon so I don't have to contact him anymore. No idead what is going on in his life at the moment, haven't checked his insta anymore. The time will really come when you're not bothered anymore what your ex is doing or who he is with. I cannot believe I would be in a place like this. Today, after texting back and forth regarding this legal document, I told him I hope he was ok. He answered me he was recovering but didn't mention from what. So I thought it was from another accident, but he said from covid and sinusitis. So told him to get well soon and that was it.  He never asked me how I was. So it's still all about him anyway. As for me, I don't have that hate feeling towards him anymore. I also cannot say I don't love him anymore. It's like somewhere in the middle. I cannot believe that it's only less than a year since we got divorced. It feels like a long time now.

I've read so many of the newbies here. And I am really sorry that you have to experience this. I was once in your shoes, confused, afraid to make a bad move because you don't want to push your spouse even further. I read so many books, tried to be patient, got hurt so many times. I cried for two years straight almost every day. I was so scared to lose my then H. But you really have no control of your spouse. You only have control of yourself and whatever you do, it doesn't influence the outcome of your MLC spouse. You can bend forward and backward, it doesn't have any effect. It took me maybe 3 years to fully understand that. At some point, you will get tired and you will let go. You learn to survive by yourself and you learn to build a life with yourself. I do not wish this to anybody not even to my worst enemy. It's a very painful journey but if I survived it, you will as well like all the veterans here. You have to go through this to get to the other side. Some were able to reconcile and some didn't. But it's ok you don't. I would choose to be this way again rather than being with that spouse who had no more respect for me. In the end, I learned to save myself first. Eventhough I didn't reconcile with my ex, I consider my story a success story, because I learned to be independent again, to trust myself again, to manage life by myself again after being in a highly codependent relationship. I learned so many things in life, that I thought I could never do. I made new friends and I am still continuing to grow. And I think that's the most important thing.

[forthetrees]

Hats off to you! You have come SOOOOOO far in your healing journey. Puts a smile on my face.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

So proud of you. As I read your writing, you sense the strength and life coming through.

So told him to get well soon and that was it.  He never asked me how I was. So it's still all about him anyway. As for me, I don't have that hate feeling towards him anymore. I also cannot say I don't love him anymore. It's like somewhere in the middle. I cannot believe that it's only less than a year since we got divorced. It feels like a long time now.

Because now, he is just some guy. The connection has been lost. Because of that, you can see him for who he is- nothing more, nothing less.  And yes, he is still self-centered.

I've read so many of the newbies here. And I am really sorry that you have to experience this. I was once in your shoes, confused, afraid to make a bad move because you don't want to push your spouse even further. I read so many books, tried to be patient, got hurt so many times. I cried for two years straight almost every day. I was so scared to lose my then H. But you really have no control of your spouse. You only have control of yourself and whatever you do, it doesn't influence the outcome of your MLC spouse.

Great advice and so true. I really feel for the newbies because there is so much shock, grief, and complete bewilderment. You just want some answers that make sense and there are none.

People treat people nowadays as commodities

I disagree. I think that has been going on for a long, long time- the internet just makes it easier to do.

Have a great weekend, you are doing great!

(((Ready)))

[toomanytearss]

I did the dating thing Dragonfly and I found the same as you have found. I wasn’t necessarily looking for anything permanent or super serious. But geez they could act like grown ups and have a grown up type thing. I found they were either liars and cheats or wanted to move right in or had issues. I can tell you that it was great practice for me and from what you wrote great practice for you as well. To learn to not continue when someone treats me like. That was a very difficult thing for me to learn with my deep seated fear of abandonment.

I finally quit dating. It took too much of my energy. Lol. But I learned a lot about myself doing it.

[Dragonfly33]

Thank you for the trees, ready and too many. I wanted to continue sharing to help the newbies here or those who are not so new here that even if sometimes times get so dark and you don't see any hope anymore or you when you feel so scared about the future, I've been there and you will be ok. Right now maybe it is so hard to believe this but you will be ok, stronger and better even when your marriage doesn't make it. You just have to keep going, keep taking the step in front of you. I was so scared 4 years ago. I couldn't imagine a life without him. I kept holding on to the relationship that was over. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't let go. The more you hold on to it the more you get hurt. Until you realize it's totally out of your control. I guess my divorce helped me to let go and the NC was very helpful for me. It was necessary for me since we don't have kids anyway. It was what I needed to give myself space to see it from a distance. Only then I understood that what my ex offered me wasn't something I wanted. That I was worth more than what he offered me.It was not easy but slowly I learned to let go. One step at a time. Of course, I wish you would reconcile. Everybody who went throught this wanted to reconcile but sadly, a lot here didn't and that's a fact.

Toomany, this guy I was dating had already his own issues. He left his wife 4 years ago with a 5 month old baby and still blamed his ex wife until today for taking his kid away from him. But despite that, I continued dating him because it felt good. I just don't understand why people can't tell you in your face that they're not interested anymore instead of just ignoring you. I was hurt probably because of my abandonement issues from which I'm not fully healed yet. Or it could be my ego, nobody wants to be rejected. But like you said, this is a learning experience for me. I have to battle with my thoughts that's telling me that I'm not lovable or not a worthy partner. At least now, I am aware that this comes from my childhood trauma. It's sometimes very difficult to convince yourself when you go through something like this, that you are worthy of love. Every day I tell myself that what this guy did to me has nothing to do with my self worth. These are his own issues.
This is the only guy that has gone this far with me since my separation and the only guy to whom I opened up again. Yeah, we learn from our experience and this is part of my learning process. I'm still working on myself and it is a struggle especially if you have deep abandonement issues and especially if these come from your own parents. I hope one day, I will learn to really see myself is a worthy person and stop basing my value on how people treat me.

I'm still hopeful that one day, I will meet that person who truly values me and cares for me.

[Dragonfly33]

Hi everyone, the last few weeks I have been feeling very uneasy, not content with where I am now and I guess a lot of frustration and anger. I am aware that healing is not a linear process, however, I still am baffled why I still have these feelings. I wonder if some of you have experienced this. I just feel angry about myself. I feel overwhelmed by the things I have to do at home, plus the job. I am frustrated about myself that was not capable of pushing my masters. I'm frustrated because I feel like I am stagnant. I couldn't get myself do something to improve myself. Also I feel very tired of fighting the current. I feel like I have always been swimming against the current. It's like a wave of feelings. It comes and goes. But lately, it's been bugging me, which means that it's telling me something that I haven't been able to address. There were times where I just cried or I wanted to scream or give up. To be honest what frustrates me the most of I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. At least my ex had been joining these triathlons, and he's accomplished a lot. I am happy for him, and i am not bitter at all. I can't help but compare myself. If I look at myself, I coudln't see anything right now that I have accomplished, except that I am still surviving. 

Sorry for ranting. I just needed to let it out and write it here. It helps me to release some of the steam. People would tell me find yourself, look inside and find out what it is that makes you happy. I really don't know how to do that. I don't have a goal in life anymore. I've allowed my life to just float not knowing where it would lead me. Sometimes I feel scared because there's a lot of uncertainties.

I hope some of you can share your experience here . Thank you for reading.

[KayDee]

Dear DF - I am a green pea newbie, so I can't speak from my experience, but your post caught my eye because I have just been visiting with a friend who is 5 plus years from a very difficult marriage break up - not an MLC breakup, but one that was equally traumatic and destructive. She and I talked a lot about recovery, that like grief, there is not fixed process or timeline. And in the same way that building a loving, bonding relationship takes time, so does grieving one. IMO and hers, taking that time is far more healthy, than say, jumping straight into another relationship etc. As long as we don't get stuck in the 'healing phase' (this term is new to me and I am contemplating what this might mean to me personally).

What I wanted to share here, is that towards the end of the five years she had a kind of 'fallow year', when she did very little, except maintain close relationships, be constant for her kids, and function at her job. She did small things and kept 'local'. In hindsight for her, this appears to be her final acceptance phase, because she recently dipped her toe into dating, and has a new partner of 6 months. This is not to give any sort of timeline pressure to anyone, but the sense I got from her, is that when she was in this fallow period, she was a worried she might be stagnating and shrinking her life, but now she sees it as an important time for her to 'reseed' and recover from the exhaustion this journey unleashes. I wonder if this might resonate with you.

[zartheit]

I am aware that healing is not a linear process, however, I still am baffled why I still have these feelings. I wonder if some of you have experienced this.

You are speaking to my soul here. When I'm in the pit it feels inescapable; I'm trapped there forever. I cognitively recognize the feeling can't last but when I'm in the thick of it... it feels like lost in the void is the default--how things are supposed to be--and I can only ever experience snatches of relief. It's terrible. You know this but I'll say it anyway: it gets better. Its grip will lessen. At some future point you'll have trouble recalling the exact feeling. That isn't right now, but going back to basics will help lay the foundation for that time. This is the work.

I just feel angry about myself. I feel overwhelmed by the things I have to do at home, plus the job. I am frustrated about myself that was not capable of pushing my masters. I'm frustrated because I feel like I am stagnant. I couldn't get myself do something to improve myself. Also I feel very tired of fighting the current. I feel like I have always been swimming against the current. It's like a wave of feelings. It comes and goes. But lately, it's been bugging me, which means that it's telling me something that I haven't been able to address. There were times where I just cried or I wanted to scream or give up. To be honest what frustrates me the most of I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. At least my ex had been joining these triathlons, and he's accomplished a lot. I am happy for him, and i am not bitter at all. I can't help but compare myself. If I look at myself, I coudln't see anything right now that I have accomplished, except that I am still surviving.

Yes, I feel all of this. The weariness, the exhaustion, the nonstop tumult that you must constantly tread, the alienation, the disappointment, frustration, pain. No matter what you do it isn't enough. These feelings calcify on you and another bubble bath is not going to wash them off. You do everything "right" and at the end all of those little pieces crumble. You slide right back to the bottom of the staircase with the reward having to climb it again. Every day. The dust bunnies reproduce, the counter seems to accrete patches of hard food, the dust and cobwebs expand like foam. No one around you seems to have these problems, to have any problems. Everyone is complaining in the sunshine while you're forcing a smile in the rain.

Sorry for ranting. I just needed to let it out and write it here. It helps me to release some of the steam. People would tell me find yourself, look inside and find out what it is that makes you happy. I really don't know how to do that. I don't have a goal in life anymore. I've allowed my life to just float not knowing where it would lead me. Sometimes I feel scared because there's a lot of uncertainties.

I pursued a path HARD for something like 15 years. It doesn't bring me the joy it used to. I don't want to discard it but I'm scared. I had a goal, a purpose, a mission and now I do my best to keep the fly wheel spinning, riding the coattails of that past life. I'm tired of drifting. I want clarity. I want drive. I want to jump out of bed eager to get back at it. I believe the dreaded time is required here, as much as I buck and flail and thrash against it. I want it now! But it isn't ripe now. I try to sit with the disappointment and the ennui. Maybe I'll finally learn patience. I'm writing a lot of poetry that might make some people blush. That creative outlet seems to help.

I hope some of you can share your experience here . Thank you for reading.

Thank you for sharing. I feel that I am in a similar place. I'm a little less alone today.