Reinventing & UrsaMajor - You both have me laughing. Fun conversations, indeed with someone in classical antiquities indeed. As for D & D tournaments, not my thing, but then nor were drinking contests - might be why I found myself working long hours in the studios.
FB has a way of bringing up memories. Most of the time, I laugh or smile, but don't really spend a great deal of time sharing such things. In fact, I really don't spend a whole lot of time sharing or even looking at FB. I often do a quick browse to see if a couple of people, such as a couple of my nieces who travel extensively have posted any photos of their travels. Beyond that, I try to limit myself and not get sucked in for hours on end. This morning a memory popped up that would have at one point in time set me off into a major upset and it would have been days of recovering from a trigger. It is not upsetting me at all, and in fact I am really just shaking my head and wondering…
How did I even make it through to the other side of this MLC nonsense? How did I make it through that evening even - because somehow I didn't let on or managed to put on a good facade? Did the people we were with have an inkling at that point that something was so incredibly off with Xh?
The memory was from 9 years ago today. I recall that night even without the "reminder". It was after BD #1, which had occurred that September. Things were still not great, and I was deep in reading how to books about how I could improve myself. "I was the problem" - so I believed and quite frankly was lead to believe by the words the MLCer spewed in his monster moments. I had enrolled in the usual save your marriage programs. I was taking financial classes about home finances. I hadn't gotten into HS at that point. I was fully immersed in improving myself so that Xh would see that I had changed.
For the record, I don't think any of that was a waste of time. It gave me something to focus on instead of just constantly falling apart. The financial classes, were educational, although it is extremely amusing now, considering I was not the one who should have been taking them at all or adhering to them. I wasn't draining our accounts. Yet, even those were not a complete waste of time. For one, most of the classes had couples there - working together. Not me. I was the sole person showing up to do the work. In fact, in many respects maybe it was the universe preparing me for what I had no idea what was coming down the path and I would really benefit from knowing how to rebuild your finances after ruin. I had no clue at the time how bad Xh would leave things. I had always been the responsible one. Who knew?
But, this particular night, came months later. After around Christmas time realizing I was not the only woman in Xh's life. Okay, maybe I should restate that. I was not the woman Xh wanted in his life. I was a problem for him. Oh, he did notice I was making changes, and I do think that confused him for a time. I was getting some fight back in me, much like he was used to when I met him in college. I had self-confidence that I know had slowly been broken down, largely in part by FIL's presence in the house and the chipping away by what I now know was Xh going into crisis. It is not all his fault.
That is not it. Like anyone, we go through periods of needing to push ourselves and grow. Life ebbs and flows. For me, my career was changing and the kids were growing up. My role was changing. I probably could have navigated it had FIL not been in the house. That is one regret I do have. I never should have agreed to that, but who am I kidding? I don't think I would have won that battle. I convinced myself it is what was needed for Xh and FIL to heal their relationship. One flaw in that theory - neither were willing to actually do the real work to do that.
At any rate, after finding out about OW, I kept my mouth shut. I didn't say a word, for one because I convinced myself early on that it was my imagination. And then the late nights became more frequent, etc. It would be on a February afternoon, when stupidly, or perhaps arrogantly, Xh asked me to check his computer for an email from his client. It wasn't like I was snooping. What he didn't realize was Schmoopie had sent an email - a very explicit email right as I was checking the client email. Then it was just me digging deeper as I sat there in shock - wanting to scream and to throw up at the same time. I remember the day really well. I put on the happy face, as the kids came through the door. I put on the good front as Xh came home. It was a really warm February day - unseasonably warm and FIL had gone south for the winter, so I didn't have that to contend with.
I was taking the laundry detergent out of the car and Xh asked me how my day was and why was I acting so weird. I lost it. I wasn't crying. I was not screaming. I just looked at him and out it came - just demanding to know how long it had been going on. He tried to lie and then realized I wasn't having it, as I calmly rattled off the nights he had been away and verbatim what Schmoopie had put in the explicit email she sent, recounting the last evening they had spent together and she wanted another round. Xh had tears in his eyes and said he hadn't meant to hurt me. He apologized. Then asked what I wanted him to do. He wanted to tell the kids and confess. I told him no, because it was not their issue to deal with and not something they needed to know about their F. I still feel that way, had Bozo not screwed up later by giving D his phone that he never erased completely.
What followed was Xh saying he wanted to try. It was Xh telling me he didn't think he could cut ties completely with OW because they worked together and had been friends. I stupidly agreed to this arrangement thinking it would cool down and things would be fine. I forgave him and took some of the blame. Looking back I realize though that the only apology that ever came was when I confronted him. He would immediately use ways to blame me moving forward about why he cheated.
That FB memory had been about a month after that fateful driveway confrontation. We had met up with our dear friends - the H had been the best man at our wedding. Their eldest S was touring colleges in our area and we hadn't seen them in a couple of years. The kids all were having a great time and our friends had no idea what had been going on.
We went out to dinner and the FB picture was of our dinner event. Our friend is a person who likes to document those times. The dinner was fun. It was still awkward with Xh and I, but he seemed like he was trying.
The thing is, I recall having a decent time. I know where we were, but most of that weekend was a bit of a blur, except for what happened as we left the restaurant. I had sort of picked up on it, but told myself I was being paranoid. Xh was on his phone a great deal and I convinced myself it was the client he had been working with, as they had a huge project looming. It would be outside of the restaurant when our friends called Xh out on it and the W grabbed the phone from Xh and laughed. The look on her face said it all. She out and out asked who Schmoopie was - as in Xh had a woman he had been texting all night long and there were photos. She was nice enough not to share what she saw or let on, but I knew from the look on her face that the woman in question was in fact OW. She did say to him in front of her H, that she would divorce him on the spot if he had that on his phone. Xh just laughed. I said nothing. He had changed her name slightly on his phone, but I knew who it was. I would be quiet the rest of the trip. Crushed.
Later when we had come home from the trip, I would ask him why he wasn't being honest with me. Hee would tell me that it was none of my business and I didn't have any right to ask and I should trust him. She was just a friend and I basically should just accept that, since he wasn't giving her up.
I put up with that for months, as the gaslighting kicked into overdrive. It would be summer when I realized OW had never left the picture and was helping Xh find a place to move to. I would be hit again with BD#2 in the fall, right on schedule almost exactly a year later.
The thing is today, that memory is still very vivid, but only because I had the reminder. Now though, it is more of a "wow, has it been 9 years since then" reaction.
I would have done anything that fateful night to make it all go back to "normal". The pain was horrible and I never thought I would feel any true happiness again. I was wrong.
The end of my marriage was devastating. I guess I no longer wished it had turned out differently. It is not to say I still don't truly understand it. The difference is, having closed that book, I wouldn't want to go back to that life. Seeing that "memory" today makes me realize that I honestly couldn't go back. It really would have meant rebuilding from the ground up and 9 years later, I am not who I was back then.
The truth is, I am happier than I have been in more than 9 years. That night - is now a blip in my history.
Sometimes the finish line is just the start of somethin' new
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