This summer has been a series of ups and downs. I am not even sure if I am up or down at this point. In limbo on many fronts, not a place I like to stay for too long. It is really quite triggering, tbh.
The ups have been moments of having someone around that just has been showing up continually and just spending time around them brings me a sense of calm just being nearby. I have had amazing adventures that perhaps some might consider adventures at all. Last weekend along with nights out and special events, perhaps some of my favorite moments were when we were out walking the dog for hours and letting her play in the lake. Or taking a walk along a path behind the house my grandparents owned and where my mom grew up. I could see the back of the house and lawn, which have been modified some, but are left very much in tact, like a planter full of flowers in the "urn" my grandfather made. I found out later what the flower pot was made out of and it made me laugh, as that is so like my grandfather to have been so creative and he was all about repurposing. It doesn't look anything like what it started out as, but once I found out it was the tub from an old fashioned washing machine, it makes complete sense.
All in all, it was a short weekend, but I had a full weekend the weekend before, which is unusual for us. It is in fact odd this weekend to not have anyone around.
There have been fun moments with my kids and my family. I have spent some time with friends on and off. I have learned about who some of my real friends truly are - the ones that know when I am putting on a brave face and check in and ask "what's up" without trying to pry if they know I am not ready to share or am processing. The people who step up and offer to help you in ways that you never imagined and not asking for a thing in return. One is someone I have only known a short time, but I stopped in their place of business today and they shared a secret with me that I know only their spouse knows. An idea and they wanted my input. It was nice to feel wanted and not needed, which has been one of the struggles this summer.
Being needed is on one hand a wonderful thing. That aspect where someone trusts you in their time of need to be there for them. Yet, it also is hard to maintain that all the time. My M and her many appointments is draining. My sister, her kids and my kids all pitch in, but the bulk falls on me on a daily basis. It lead to a mess in my own life because I have not made my own things a priority. It is being sorted out and who knows what the outcome will be - which is part of the limbo.
The bigger part is trying to give my dad a break and being the primary caregiver in essence is now weighing on me. I am not always as patient as I have been in the past. I find myself getting mildly irritated when my M behaves like a toddler in this new state she is in. It is not a constant issue, but it does occur and still shocks me. Then there are the moments that catch me completely off guard, when she starts tearing up at random points of the day and expresses sadness or being aware that she is not able to do things she used to.
My M was always very level headed and her moods were pretty consistent. She was very compassionate and could also express anger, but never extremes. My sister has mentioned this new more emotional side being shocking. It is a symptom of what is going on and we know right now the only thing we really can do is try to manage it and understand that it could stay at this level for a long time or we could see a change at a quicker pace. The doctor agrees with us that most likely when something dramatic in life happens it will trigger another slide, as has happened when she experienced a death of someone very close to her that was unexpected. WE know right now the goal is to keep her home as long as possible and work with her doctors to maintain where we are at for the moment and to keep her physically active and socializing, which help immensely.
The care is consuming and draining at times. I am not going to lie. I have had moments where this summer I have thought about how enticing it would be to just have that MLC moment myself and run away from it all. Of course, that is not in my nature and I would regret avoiding some of the hard stuff. It is just part of life. Yet, I also am realizing that need to allow myself moments where I can escape just for even half an hour to catch my breath is so important.
I am finding though that even in those moments where I try to grab some peace, I don't often get an uninterrupted moment. While at work today, dealing with an issue that needs a resolution and has involved a summer of phone tag, another emergency arose. I was able to deal with it and solve it, but in that moment, I felt like asking the universe when was I going to get some relief. And, just as I had that fleeting thought, my M called and left 3 messages in a row, wondering why I wasn't home yet. I finally called her and had to explain that I was safe but had to work a bit later. It didn't affect her day, as she was out with my F, but she has a need now to know where I am. It is draining.
I ended up meeting them for dinner, which has become a Friday night ritual now. I am apparently now "a regular" and the waitress knows exactly what I am going to order because it is consistent and when I go with my parents to this place, it is just easier to keep it simple for everyone. In prior years, we would go out different places, and I might be a bit adventurous, but my M gets anxious going new places now. IDK, maybe it is also just a point where I am too tired to think by the time Friday rolls around. And, the meal is always consistent. I just laugh thinking how I have joined the ranks of the other older people who are there by 4:45 pm. LOL
D finally got her car back after 2 months. It was another part of the summer stress. Between negotiating with the manufacturer and ordering parts and having to borrow money from my F to pay for it at the time, it was a bit much. It was hard to ask him for the loan, as D was stuck waiting on her scholarship to clear and had to pay for her tuition. She had money saved up, but I also knew she would have living expenses and she couldn't go to work without transportation. My F was more than willing to loan the money and let us pay it off without interest. He knew neither D nor I wanted it to be given to us.
All the while, Xh was aware of what had been going on, as he was quick to comment when S was on the phone with him one night. We were in the kitchen and Xh commented to S that we should mention this or that when we called. Now, I know, one might argue Xh was trying to be helpful. Perhaps. And as I have said before, it is not about the money. That is not what gets under my skin. It is that he told S that he doesn't have a daughter. It is that he knew the predicament D and I were in and he made no efforts to reach out to her. D has told me that she won't accept him just showing up and brushing it all under the rug. She is not beyond repairing things, and she is not about punishing him, but she has been very clear that she needs to have some very frank discussions. Two years of not speaking to her is not going to just magically get wiped away with a phone call. The fact that he refused to go to a picnic this summer because she would be there was very telling. He made sure everyone knew "he was doing it for her, so she wouldn't be uncomfortable". I know him well enough to know that is a BS answer. That was him playing the "aren't I a great guy" card. It is a side of him that appeared full on in MLC that is not one of his finer qualities.
And then tonight, he played that card again and it did not go over the way I am sure he thinks it did. My F has been kind and he ran into Xh a couple of months ago. He made small talk and was pleasant. They were insanely close in the past. My F has closed that door and has expressed his fondness for the new man in my life for a variety of reasons. My F is very careful to not say bad things around S or D for that matter about Xh. He knows Xh is not who he was and the fact that Xh treats D the way he does is not going to somehow be wiped away by some seemingly generous action on Xh's part.
S met us after dinner to say goodbye to my parents before leaving on a week's vacation. We were at the ice cream stand and S has been working on helping my F do some repairs on his classic sports car. S mentioned as he was doing some of the work that since he had to pull the engine to get to other parts that perhaps rebuilding things and replacing gaskets etc while it was apart might be wise. So, my F agreed and S found out from Xh that there was someone who specializes in race car rebuilds who could do some machine work and replace the head gaskets. So S brought it there a couple of weeks ago. The part is ready to pick up and it is not a cheap endeavor, but my F asked how much he needed to give S. S paused and said Xh is paying for it. The look on my F's face must have mirrored mine with a "excuse me, say that again" look. S was not jovial about it, which means he has the same feeling as we do about this, as in WTF is that about. After S left, my F quietly said to me that while he would like to think it was sincere, he isn't so sure, but he also is bothered by it because my F doesn't need the help but hey, Xh has a D that does need her F. My F has been the surrogate F figure for both kids now for 10 years or more. He doesn't ask for anything in return and he loves the kids. This gesture of Xh's is curious.
For one, it comes on the coattails of some other developments in his family dynamic. It also comes after Xh is fully aware that I have had someone around and am enjoying life. Mid week last week, before my company arrived, S was at Xh's. He had forgotten to tell me he was staying there for the night and we were talking about the upcoming weekend. I mentioned my plans and I could hear Xh in the background making comments that indicated that he was clearly listening intently. Things like, "oh tell your M to try this restaurant" but the comments were shared in such a manner that indicated that he was digging for information.
Is Xh coming out of the tunnel? IDK. I once hoped for that. Now, I spend little time wondering. If he does, I hope he figures out how to work things out with D. I realize more and more that I moved on a long time ago. I had a conversation with my person, and we both have ascertained while having each other in our lives certainly makes it even more reason to not want to go back to our respective X's, the truth is, we both have moved on and changed. The relationships that were are gone and starting over with Xh for me certainly is not something I want nor could really embrace. I am realizing more and more that I am a person who gives people many chances, but once a line is crossed, I don't allow access. I won't be mean nor will I seek revenge. I will be civil, but I don't allow someone to get terribly close if they cross that line. It is not about forgiveness or allowing someone to change. I can accept maybe people grow and learn from their mistakes, but once the line has been crossed (and it takes me a long time to get to that point) then I just put up a protective force field. It is something I know is deep in me.
I am fiercely loyal, but equally stubborn when it comes to lines being crossed.
I am not going to waste hours trying to analyze it. It is odd.
Sometimes the finish line is just the start of somethin' new
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