[FaithWalker]

FH-

Grumpy Aunt, I love that. Right in the beginning I used to do a little snooping. Not any more, I feel that it is invasive and sometimes I don’t think I want to know what she is up to.

I snooped a lot too in the beginning.  When I stopped my snooping is when my healing was really able to begin.

[Ichoosefaith]

Hey y’all hope you had a great thanksgiving.

So yeah mine spends every moment home in her room, she’s moving out next week so I’m hoping things will begin to settle. She has so much hatred toward me. She posts so much slander and bullying memes about me online. I am done looking at them but the reason I bring it up is that for months she has publicly called me a piece of $h!te and a narcissist. And made a lot of fuss about how terrible I am. And I am afraid when the fog lifts she will not be able to face the embarrassment of getting back with me because of how terribly she portrayed me during all this. Like too much pride.

[KayDee]

They all do pretty awful things ICF. Not to diminish the effect of what your W has done. It is pretty despicable and if it wasn't so hurtful, you could roll your eyes at how immature it is. I imagine it says more about her than it does about you to anyone reading the comments. I guess we all ask this question sooner or later. And I personally think it may be a factor on whether or not the crisis person seeks to reconcile. The mending of so much damage may seem impossible to them. And, IMO, I think there's an aspect of bridge burning in their behaviour too. Like it's easier to burn everything up, then there is no way back. The question I asked myself was - do I want to be in relationship with someone who did such cruel things to me and did not have the courage to apologise and make some amends? That person would still be broken, IMO and therefore, the relationship would fail again. So, as simple as it sounds, they either do or they don't. And we can't control that. They have to do their own reflection and healing.

Sorry it's so painful and you have to endure this. Try not to engage with the 'monster' who posts on social media. As in, don't read the posts, and tell others you don't want to know. You will find more inner peace.

[UrsaMajor]

She posts so much slander and bullying memes about me online. I am done looking at them but the reason I bring it up is that for months she has publicly called me a piece of $h!te and a narcissist. And made a lot of fuss about how terrible I am. And I am afraid when the fog lifts she will not be able to face the embarrassment of getting back with me because of how terribly she portrayed me during all this. Like too much pride.

And this is YOUR problem because?

Sorry to be so blunt but that is called "being held responsible for one's actions." She did it and it will be up to her to make amends. If she chooses not to do so, that tells you what you need to know about what would happen during any future reconnection/reconciliation attempt....

Repeat after me.....

[Ichoosefaith]

She moved out today. After 7 months of this she moved into her place today.

I know it’s what must happen for the healing to begin and hopefully so she can stop hating me so much. Or at least so I can detach better. But it still hurts like hell.

Gonna go home after work tonight no kids no dogs no wife and half my stuff missing.

[zartheit]

I'm sorry. Even knowing this is what must happen doesn't diminish the hurt. And it hurts so very much.

The day I came home to an empty house was probably the worst night of my life. I was able to talk with my brother as I wandered around the house sobbing out each trigger, including an empty room with only a single picture of me. Someone asked me who I admired for having confidence, poise, and being cool. The only person that I could think of was Austin Powers. They told me to print out a picture of that person (i.e., AUSTIN POWERS!) and put it next to my solitary photo and to strive to embody those traits. It was overwhelmingly ridiculous but I still have that picture on my desk to this day. That was a little over a year ago.

One surprising thing to me, was while I was still in immense pain, something shifted. I no longer felt as if I were in a pressure cooker. I still hurt but that noise, the static, the buzzing, had relented. Maybe not all the way, but truly a burden was lifted from me. I hope that you may experience similar relief over the coming days.

Again, I'm truly sorry.

[Reinventing]

Agree. You are in one of the toughest parts the LBS goes through. Whatever coping mechanisms you can bring to fore, bring them on full force to help you through this part.

[Ichoosefaith]

One surprising thing to me, was while I was still in immense pain, something shifted. I no longer felt as if I were in a pressure cooker. I still hurt but that noise, the static, the buzzing, had relented. Maybe not all the way, but truly a burden was lifted from me. I hope that you may experience similar relief over the coming days.

Thank you so much. I don’t know if she’s ever coming back to the real world or if she’s lost forever but I know it starts with the “pressure cooker” being turned off for both of us.

I have (as I’m sure all of us here have) always been her husband and always planned my life with this person. And it’s so damn hard trying to figure out who I am and what my life looks like without them.

[Reinventing]

I have (as I’m sure all of us here have) always been her husband and always planned my life with this person. And it’s so damn hard trying to figure out who I am and what my life looks like without them.

Yes, it really is as fundamental as figuring out who we are now that our life partner in on a different path than our previous joined path. I still refer to that time as being reduced to dust and having to rebuild (reinvent) myself. I didn't even really feel like a human being at times. I had reduced peripheral vision and became extra careful driving because the whole world seemed strange and my brain was on overload, yet couldn't focus on anything very long.

Once I connected the idea that I responded physiologically with my adrenal glands pumping out adrenalin, that's when I became serious about exercising to burn the effects from high adrenalin levels off. I also became serious about finding what other coping strategies worked for me and doing more of those.

My whole body was responding in a state that I was in high alert/danger and so I did things that helped me have breaks from that physiological state and train myself back to my normal state. Relatively early on, that became my singular focus because I simply didn't want to live in that pain anymore.

There was me in this physiological state and then me managing myself so I could heal. I was implementing my care plan that I was also figuring out along the way and that slowly changed along the way.

It felt like I was like clawing myself back to normal stasis, inch by inch. And with each inch, my emotions began to get better (with lots of spurts and starts). But when I had just a few moments of relief (normality), I became even more determined to get back to my normal level of happiness. And whatever was associated with elevating or prolonging the pain was eliminated or reduced. I knew I could always add those back in later

And I am forever grateful to those who helped along the way; they literally saved my life.

[Treasur]

I am so sorry for how painful that must have been.
We talk about BD here like it’s a single event but truthfully, for most of us, it is a series of events with a BD flavour. Sometimes they are big and carry a predictably big effect; sometimes they are smaller but still carry a big punch. There is no way through them but going through them unfortunately whilst trying to do whatever you need to do to keep going until you get to the other side. And keeping that spark of hope that there will be an other side, even when you doubt it or can’t see what it looks like, and that you will not always feel how you feel right now.

What I think you know instinctively is that living in an emotional pressure cooker is not a good place to be. Sometimes tbh we don’t entirely realise the cost until the pressure eases. Many of us found that, although it was not what we wanted, there was an easing that came after they left, a chance to lick our wounds a bit and breathe. I hope that over the next few days you get the chance to do that.