[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Ichoose,

The best thing you can do is block her on social media so you can’t see what she is doing.  I couldn’t handle the inappropriate communication from my XW during the initial months after BD and found I needed to protect myself.   

HF

[Treasur]

STBXW is adding random single men on social media like every day both in our area and our hometown where we are from across the country. I’m guessing I am not supposed to bring this up to her?

I see all these guys profiles and they all say SINGLE and she is just adding them on all her social media all the time and it’s killing me.

What do I do?

Don’t discuss it at all with her. Pointless bc you can’t control it and she doesn’t care what you think. (If she did, she wouldn’t be doing it, right?) Plus it will open up the kind of ‘you’re not the boss of me/it’s your fault bc you suck’ conversation that never goes very well for the LBS.

Unless there is a very good reason, following advice from your own lawyer if you live in an ‘at fault’ place, as HF says,  what you can do is unfollow her on all social media and block her from your own.

[Ichoosefaith]

To top it off I found out that she has actually made her friends list private to others. So she WANTS me to see it. So it’s hard to tell if she is actually talking or doing things with these men or just messing with me. Same when I found out about her tinder months ago she claimed she got it to catch me snooping but then continued using it and even started paying for it. And when I confronted her about the tinder she said “ if you think in the type of person to find someone on an app and hookup I have no interest in changing your mind” but since then has added upwards of 50 or more single guys that she doesn’t know from her and our hometown as well as some from various places around the world.

So what do y’all think is she just trying to get a ride out of me?

Or is she actually doing things ?

She’s also completely flipped on the housing situation at first she was leaving and even text me saying she wouldn’t try to screw me however since she has filed for alimony and child support and to take the house!!!!

She has always been of the mindset against alimony and even mostly child support if split 50/50 time with the kids.

And now she’s hiding booze in her closet so I know she’s drinking even though she had such a problem with my drinking and childhood trauma with her mothers drinking. So I worry about her. But again it could be a plant to mess with me.
She’s just so out of character but loved ones in common think I’m the crazy one for thinking she’s having problems or is not of the right mind.

[Treasur]

Another site talks about trying to understand this kind of mindf**kery being like putting your own head in a blender…..better for you not to do that, my friend.
How? Observe facts but shut down your own speculation on what they ‘mean’.
Other than all these things being a) textbook MLC stuff and b) not appropriate in a healthy adult partnership.

Lying. Lying when it’s blindingly obvious they are lying. Seeking attention in weird ways and weird places. Blaming you for things that have nothing to do with you, that you have no responsibility for at all, or baiting you into reacting by leaving bread crumbs the size of houses. Claiming a duck is a fish, and all your fault anyway. Drama from nowhere about nothing. Saying one  thing on Tuesday and the exact opposite another Tuesday. Thinking their money is theirs and yours is also theirs. Seemingly indifferent to the effects on you or their kids or that if they are ‘happy’, everyone else should be fine. Hiding booze. Anger, resentment, manipulation. A truly bizarre level of Me Me Me in an adult.

Not a single thing on your list surprises me at all.
But then I’m a vet here.
Your goal is to reach the point when it doesn’t surprise you as much either. And you understand that it has nothing to do with you at all unless you choose to involve yourself in it. And then you usually lose if you choose to play 
 
The bit that matters most in your post imho is your last point about others thinking YOU are the crazy one. Not uncommon for we LBS.
But it does matter that YOU know you are not crazy. (Or not too crazy bc we all get a little askew in the initial stages of this truly weird life experience  )

You can’t control what people think, but you can choose to look after your own sanity as a priority. How? Focus on observable facts without speculating on the why. Don’t try to persuade others to see what you see if they don’t. Stay calm and trust your own eyes. Keep reminding yourself that whatever she is doing, and for whatever reason, you did not cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t change it. And it will probably continue to be incomprehensible to you, so stop trying to understand the incomprehensible. Reduce your expectations of reasonable, rational or reliable behaviour by your wife dramatically. Then turn away, put boundaries in place where you can to minimise the effect on you or your kids, shrug your metaphorical shoulders and turn your focus back to your own life and wellbeing.

[UrsaMajor]

I choose,

I cut your posts (and the replies) out of the "General MLC Questions" thread and merged them here into your personal Story Thread. If you stick with posting into your own thread, you'll get more results and replies. The General MLC Questions thread is more for General questions than specific ones like yours.

Treasur was right though - My version was trying to understand the MLC'er is like trying to taste green... with your elbow  - a bit less bloody than Treasur's version but just as valid....

[MadLuv]

Ichoosefaith-
Like the others everything is pretty spot on for how these MLCers work. You are looking for answers that you can’t get, but what you can get is knowledge. Read!!! Read others stories. It will help you to understand that this is normal for the MLCer , but anything but normal for you. My XH was the most morally kind human and he lied, deceived, gas lighted, manipulated  me at the highest levels for years.  They are in crisis and they will do anything to try to stay afloat while they are drowning in their own confusion. I’m so sorry. Getting to a place of calm and acceptance of the craziness of it all is not an easy road to travel.

[Ichoosefaith]

I read others stories so much and that’s what lead me to become a member here.

I appreciate all of the wisdom and advice and I know I should do all these things, I knew before you all told me because I have spent 6 months reading every piece of literature online and forum and article about this topic.

I know for everyone it’s different. But my W has been be best friend since we were kids and I view other stories on here and where people are with their journey and I wonder if she’s coming back.

I know it can take YEARS but she’s been in it at least 2 years and we are 6 months post BD. AND I don’t know what I do in the mean time. Do I date? Do I stay committed with my body as I am with my heart?

Over the next year or two or more everyone says to focus on me and do what makes me happy. But this is my wife and I promised I wouldn’t give up on her or abandon her. But she is doing that to me right now.

And how can I trust anyone when my partner and best friend can do this to me.

I know it’s not her it’s the monster. And half the people on here say she needs to see consequences of her actions. And half say to make sure she knows the door is always open.

And if I date there will always be this part of me that knows if she came back I’d go.

I know you probably all felt this way but me and her are a once in a lifetime love.

[zartheit]

I wonder if she’s coming back.

I know it can take YEARS but she’s been in it at least 2 years and we are 6 months post BD. AND I don’t know what I do in the mean time. Do I date? Do I stay committed with my body as I am with my heart?

I feel for you, friend. Advice that I found frustrating and that am now repeating: this is your life, this is your choice. You get to decide what is best for you. You get to decide how you want to live, and who you want to be.

But this is my wife and I promised I wouldn’t give up on her or abandon her. But she is doing that to me right now.

This may not land, but your wife no longer values your promises. Not now, at least. I would ask you, how does strengthening yourself abandon her? How would improving your self-esteem, or your inner peace be giving up on her? How would clarifying your values interfere with any promises you made to another person? Focusing on yourself is shorthand for sharpening your edge, for rediscovering the core of yourself, for digging deeply into who you are so that you may share it with the world from a place of contended wholeness. It is not about living a hedonistic fantasy. Lean into those hobbies, go to that gallery, take that road trip. Do whatever you need to do to prove to yourself that life is good, that you are ok and will be ok.

I will say, right now you are in the middle of the worst storm of your life. Personally, I wouldn't attempt to make large decisions. You may have heard the term "survival mode". You are experiencing that right now.

Getting back to what I believe is your main concern: is she coming back? I don't know. I'm sorry. I say believe whatever you NEED to believe to get you through today. Your understanding and feelings will change. The awful boiling and freezing you're likely feeling, like the weight of the world is chained to your gut, won't be there forever, but you need motivation to put in the work to change it. Use whatever you can to create that initial life raft.

All of the questions you wrote will become more tractable with time. All of the advice you have read was written by people that were standing right next to you, staring down the destruction of everything they had worked to build. They speak from tragic experience. Please use that wisdom.

[Nas]

The best advice I can give is don't abandon yourself under the guise of "not abandoning her."
You can't abandon another adult. I know that sounds a bit cruel, I don't mean it to be. My former H turned his back on me and our marriage, for sure, and when he did, he also, among other things, committed some major financial abuse that I'll never recover from. And then I got advanced cancer. And then he vanished. So I don't speak of any of this glibly.

We LBS feel abandoned by this, and often it's a reopening of old abandonment wounds, coupled with of course the deep pain of rejection, the fear of what's to come and the loss of what no longer is. It's brutal to go through this, no matter what circumstances, and some circumstances can make it worse, which is why you have to put yourself and your kids ahead of whatever sympathy you have for what she may be going through.

I'm not saying its' not a crisis, but she's young for MLC, and if it's been 2 years, that puts her at 32-33 at the start. She could have a long, long road of figuring herself out. And you also have a long road of figuring yourself out, who you are separate from the relationship you've been in most of your life. You're so young and life can take so many different roads. No one here can tell you what's going to happen or what you should do - you have to do what you feel is best for you and your kids, and you might find yourself changing your mind several times about just what that is.

Hang in there. I know right now it feels overwhelmingly raw and painful but it does get easier with time.

[KayDee]

And how can I trust anyone when my partner and best friend can do this to me.

By trusting yourself. Would you do this to another person? I know we cannot entirely put ourselves into Crisis Shoes, but I think most of us can't envisage it. You will likely have some amazing people step up and support you to. Let them in, they will keep you afloat.

I know it’s not her it’s the monster. And half the people on here say she needs to see consequences of her actions. And half say to make sure she knows the door is always open.

Apologies for being blunt. This IS her - it's a version of her you haven't encountered. And in crisis, when the lid blows off, and a person is under extreme emotional distress, they can lash out like wounded animals. Hurting people hurt people. It won't help you to create a narrative that she is not responsible. She is making choices. The upside is that she can, further down the line, choose to repair the damage. If she heals.
[/quote]

And if I date there will always be this part of me that knows if she came back I’d go.

It's very unlikely you are ready to date. So, maybe take that pressure off yourself for a while. I suspect many of us go into our own mini replay at the start. I know I joined a bunch of clubs to meet 'new' m(read MEN). I never went. I told my therapist and she said 'you've probably only got enough room for the current people in your life at the moment' As in, you don't have the bandwidth for a new relationship. Now, 14 months or so in, I am content on my own. For now. I trust myself to know when the time is right. You'll will likely know too. Give yourself some space to grieve.

We walk alongside you. We all walk together on this forum. It is a comfort, and I hope you keep posting.