[Baxter1]

Journaling-

Well, after 21 months it’s finally happening, one of us is moving out. We had the pre-trial yesterday and after mediation and talking back and forth with the judge it was decided that I must leave the home. After explaining that we have been in the home successfully for almost 2 years with the kids stable and co parenting very well the judge sided with W. He was surprised we lasted this long, and sometimes so am I.

All that being said my stand remains, we are still married and who knows what will happen with continuing mediation and negotiations. In the mean time I continue to see the kids every day and will continue to visit them all the time from my new location. In a moral sense this isn’t at all right, she’s the one causing all the trouble and I’m the one who’s out. On the bright side the kids get to stay in a stable home, which we both agree is what’s best for them.

I guess this will be a new episode in this ongoing soap opera of MLC. Maybe some separation will help us both in our growth. I know I am definitely not the person I was when all this started and neither is she, and maybe that’s the point.

[Helpnewc]

Dear Baxter,

It is so hard. I am 2.5 years in. My wife left in January of this year as I simply said I was not prepared to baby sit for her to date other men. I am fortunate she left as other many I know left and 7 years later the fight about the home goes on.

I made a decision early on to give her the money but when then it has taken 12 months for that to occur. It all is so slow and hard.

I am glad you see your kids each day. I find it hardest that I don’t see them or hear for them for 6 days a fortnight. I will probably have to endure another year or two waiting in the family Court.

I remain hopeful I will get my 5 days up to 7 a fortnight and if I don’t I won’t have consented and some judge will make me.


I imagine this is very hard for you. Hope is tenacious and letting go of your old life is hard.

But I will say my life improved when she left. I hope yours does too.


And you have done your best. It is all you can do.

[Reinventing]

Baxter1, I don't know what to say except the LBS on this site feel pain and injustice at this news. And admiration at your stance.

I guess my only advice is to look at the long view, because it is a years-long experience.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hi Baxter,

Just warm and gentle hugs. I know it's not easy to move out, I know it may feel injust.... but life will become good on the long run. This is indeed a new chapter beginning.

Alvin

[Treasur]

A lot of us here will recognise the inherent unfairness you might feel as the LBS about the legal judgement of you moving out rather than her. But then no one really ‘wins’ in a divorce, do they? And life is sometimes unfair.

So I hope you can find a way to live with that without it chewing your bones too much. I agree with the others about focusing on the short term and the longer term. I don’t know your financial circumstances, or what you have arranged legally regarding time with your kids, or indeed if Baxter is moving with you, but I’d encourage you to treat moving out as a new chapter for you and them. Squeeze the positive pips out of it as much as you can. Find a place to live that might please you, maybe something a bit different than your old home, somewhere your boys might like to visit and have fun rather than you seeing them in the old family home. It doesn’t have to be forever but it’s a chance to experiment with a different way of living for a year or two. Treat it perhaps as an opportunity to lay down your husband job without laying down your fatherly one?

 Let things go….open your metaphorical hand and pick what to let go, even though some of that might be painful bc it was never your choice. Let your wife experience the ‘solo’ life she claims to want along with its obligations….you may find you need some new rock-solid boundaries bc you won’t be the first husband here that an MLC wife still expects to do husband stuff when life gets a bit hard or tiring.

And I suspect you will be surprised by how much of a toll the last couple of years have taken bc it’s not an easy way to live, is it? Sometimes we don’t realise the real extent of that until we stop living that way…..what it feels like to have a little peace and calm around us. To add things rather than have them taken away, even if that starts with quite small things like what you eat for breakfast or how you use some of your new free time.

[xyzcf]

This is a shock, not at all what you expected and I don't understand the judge's ruling..perhaps it has to do with "no fault" divorces....but you were not the one to commit adultery and leave the home on numerous occasions.

This is your home and you wished to remain there. You were living together in the home and co parenting. I presume that her motion was to have you leave your home so she can continue to live her life comfortably without any disruption.

I also see the loss of seeing your son every day..having him visit you in a new place is not quite the same.....still, as you have unselfishly suggested, the boys will remain in a stable environment for now.

Its 's one thing to be forced into a divorce, quite another to have what is important to you taken away...no consequences at all for the person who is destroying your family.

You will survive this but it is a huge wound on your heart and one that will take some time to adjust to...there are many things, even so many years later that affected my life ...what should have been an easy retirement with plenty of financial resources, instead has me concerned about having enough money to live on as I age and the list goes on......I can "accept" that this happened but I still do not like it.

Quite honestly, my life is not "better" or more wonderful or richer than it was when we were an intact family. It's been really hard to create a new life, to be alone, to deal with everything by myself..although I can and have done so. I am realistic, I can fill my life with all kinds of GAL stuff and I do...but there is an emptiness that nothing has been able to fill.

All of us are different. I've managed to salvage some of what is left of this family. I am grateful for that and the comfort in the contact that we have with one another.

I am very sorry that this has happened to you. What I do know is that we are resilient and most of us do find a way to figure out how to do what we need to do to bring us peace and stability.

Sending big ((((((HUGS)))))))

[Flummoxed]

I'm so sorry to hear about the ruling, Baxter1- it truly is unfair. I do agree with all of the wonderful wisdom shared by the other forum members here. You were not the one to wreak havoc on the family, yet you are the one being asked to leave. I can relate in a way. It is not fair by any means, but perhaps it can be viewed as an opportunity in a sense. And a break away from the chaos directly in front of you can give you room to breathe and regain a bit of your stability and strength. It is certainly not ideal, none of this is by any stretch, but there can be a silver lining in all this. One step at a time in this lovely crisis marathon.

[titleholder]

My heart goes out for you Baxter, you've handled your journey with so much grace! It's not fair, nothing about this journey is fair sadly.
From what I've read I'm sure you're going te make it, you will create a loving and stable home for you and the kids no doubt about it!

Love TH!

[Baxter1]

Thank you all for the support, it means a lot to me that I have people in my corner. Although this is horrible I am trying to find the positives. We’ve had a great 25 years together, 22 years of marriage filled with love and laughs, kids and dogs and vacations and all the other great stuff that goes with that. In addition I’ve been in my home for almost 2 years. That’s 2 years of seeing the kids every day and going to their events and being part of their lives.

I’m not giving up on her at all. She never asked for MLC, sometimes I see the pain and stress in her eyes, no one would ask for this. I guess my stand will continue from a new location, whatever happens I will always have great memories and I will always have a great relationship with the kids. And who knows, maybe someday a renewed relationship with her

[FrenchHusband]

Hi Baxter,

I am sorry for what is happening to you. It is really unfair that you are the one who will leave the home. I am happy for you how well you take the bad news and you still continue to see the positive even in the difficult times.

A house is only a house, what is really important is the people living here. The most important and stable adult for your kids is still Baxter, wherever you happen to live.