[FrenchHusband]

She has an interesting take on the MLC. One of the things I still need to get my head around is: everyone is talking about the LBS's recovery needs to start with (post the BD period and once you more or less stabilise your situation) the mirror-work and analysing and finding yourself and make changes so you become a better person. On the other hand you keep hearing that the MLC crisis has nothing to do with you or with your marriage.

That begs the question: if I'm not causing the crisis, why do I need to self-analyse? Is this needed to force you to rebuild yourself after the destruction?

HB's thread describes this nightmare as for the MLCer this is a crisis and for the LBS it is a journey. Provided the LBS realises in time what he/she is faced with (3-6 months from BD) and obviously if the decision taken is to stand and try to save the marriage, the two situations are intertwined and the LBS will have a very important role in guiding or helping the MLCer recover, through his own actions, that need to be consistent over time. Well I understand it's much more complex than this.

What's are your views on why is working on Self so important?

Working on yourself is something you are doing for yourself, not for your marriage or your W. How important is it to me ? Almost as important as sleeping & eating, I would say. Working on myself is a real blessing in hindsight, the biggest gift I have made to me. In company with prayer and spiritual awakening it brings to me peace, happiness and joy. Working on myself is the best thing to do during my W's journey IMO.
It did not bring back W, but it helps me to accept she might not come back / heal. More important, I am becoming a new person, I have better relationships with my children, my family, my friends, my colleagues, other parishers. Life is better for me than it was before BD, maybe also because I was myself in a mild MLC/MLT at this time.

[KayDee]

That begs the question: if I'm not causing the crisis, why do I need to self-analyse? Is this needed to force you to rebuild yourself after the destruction?

What's are your views on why is working on Self so important?

Ha, yes, this was something I found a bit perplexing myself. And we need to consider that there's not a one size fits all here. Some couples were more co-dependent than others, for instance. Some of us maybe fell into immature patterns of relating. I am speaking generally, but sometimes there is cause to look at the marriage dynamics.

What was useful for me is to understand that I did not change, but my H did. He changed his lens on the world. And when he did, our paths diverged. And in a way, that forced some changes upon me. So it seems right now to self-reflect and look at what could be better about ourselves. When we are in a close relationship, it sometimes comes at the expense of other relationships. I love what FH wrote. I feel exactly the same. All my other relationships have deepened through this crisis.

I have not wildly changed, but I have learned the perils of hubris, the joys of gratitude and (still a work in progress) more patience.

[mcm64d]

That begs the question: if I'm not causing the crisis, why do I need to self-analyse? Is this needed to force you to rebuild yourself after the destruction?

What's are your views on why is working on Self so important?

Ha, yes, this was something I found a bit perplexing myself. And we need to consider that there's not a one size fits all here. Some couples were more co-dependent than others, for instance. Some of us maybe fell into immature patterns of relating. I am speaking generally, but sometimes there is cause to look at the marriage dynamics.

What was useful for me is to understand that I did not change, but my H did. He changed his lens on the world. And when he did, our paths diverged. And in a way, that forced some changes upon me. So it seems right now to self-reflect and look at what could be better about ourselves. When we are in a close relationship, it sometimes comes at the expense of other relationships. I love what FH wrote. I feel exactly the same. All my other relationships have deepened through this crisis.

I have not wildly changed, but I have learned the perils of hubris, the joys of gratitude and (still a work in progress) more patience.

And for me.....not to take the everyday things for granted. It is amazing how other stressor in life sometimes shadow those simplier things in life you cherish. I certainly miss them now....

[keepfighting]

I see things quite differently now.  I found that I was "dependent" upon my H in a most unhealthy way.  I found that there were so many great things in life that I was missing - merely because I didn't take the time to smell the roses......I didn't truly appreciate my H or my family.  I took too much for granted.  I see now that I did get a "gift."  It was a chance to find me.  Maybe someday, I will find my relationship again.  I just know that - unless I was whole - unless I loved myself - I wasn't truly capable of loving anyone else.  These are some of the things that I've learned.

On the other hand, your journey is also important; as change that leads to growth, that in turn, leads to your own becoming of the person God meant for you to be,  must also occur within you, and as long as you fight it and think you don't need it, you'll cycle in various ways that will lead you right back to the journey at hand.

[xyzcf]

She has an interesting take on the MLC. One of the things I still need to get my head around is: everyone is talking about the LBS's recovery needs to start with (post the BD period and once you more or less stabilise your situation) the mirror-work and analysing and finding yourself and make changes so you become a better person. On the other hand you keep hearing that the MLC crisis has nothing to do with you or with your marriage.

That begs the question: if I'm not causing the crisis, why do I need to self-analyse? Is this needed to force you to rebuild yourself after the destruction?

You have asked a question that I have noticed and also have wondered about.

I "grew up" on HS when Heartsblessing was on the forum. She devoted a great deal of time to writing about MLC, both from her personal journey but also, she had some insights that had a "truth" in them that fit my own paradigm. She also had a strong faith based belief.

As we have said over and over, everyone's relationship/marriage and belief system is different. Some marriages were not very good before BD, some couples were "co dependent" perhaps.....

I like the analogy of it being a journey for the LBS.

The brokeness that ensues after the destruction of our "world" requires attention. When I understood that his MLC caused me to experience PTSD, working on healing the effects of the trauma allowed me to move forward. I had "talk therapy" after BD which never really helped much....the mind/body therapy was what brought me life again( many years after BD, wish I had found this therapy sooner)...none of which required any type of analysis of my role in his crisis..because in reality, his crisis would have happened regardless of me or who he had married.

All our lives, we should be looking inward and growing. I am a big fan of Erik Erickson's Stages of Life Development, at each stage there are developmental tasks that we either achieve or don't...and if we move to the next stage without successfully achieving that task, there could be problems in later stages (and I apply this to the MLCer and possibly their early childhood experiences).

I will be 69 in a few weeks and in the past several months, having some health concerns that shock me..because I am struggling with the truth that I am getting older and that there is much less time ahead than in the past...and that struggle is a "healthy" thing because it fits into the stage of development that I am at.

So all our lives, we are changing, hopefully growing and a healthy marriage allows the other the freedom to grow. My marriage was very much like that. I supported him, he supported me and we enjoyed being together but also could be apart, and have our own interests.

After BD, and as reality sunk in and not understanding his craziness, I came to HS for being able to express my story to others who understood. To gain knowledge of MLC and it benefitted me that others were seeing the same "craziness"...this was not a unique situation of mine.The more I learned about MLC, the easier it was for me to accept and let go. Sometimes I needed the support of this community and as we often see, we start to give support to others and that is also helpful.

"When you share your sorrows they are halved, when you share your joys they are doubled".

I believe strongly, that in those early months, the LBSer is trying to survive and that the idea of analysis of oneself, looking at the marriage and thinking that you did something wrong, questioning what we do or don't do when we are in contact with the MLCer puts a great deal of pressure on the LBSer at a time when you can barely breath. Many are looking for a "rulebook" of what to say or not, how to act, NC, some contact..I do not think it really matters in the greater scheme of things. You cannot change their crisis and any actions are for your own benefit, to help with your healing.

Later on, when the dust settles, you might wish to "work" on yourself...which I think is a lifelong goal anyway. We learn to adjust to living alone, develop new friendships and may make several changes in our lives. Indeed, if we do enter into another relationship, we have learned a great deal and will be "different"...and if the MLCer comes back, we also will be "different" as they will be.

Loving oneself is important. The things I needed after BD were things that relieved the pain, suggestions about how to sleep, eat.....to relieve the intense anxiety that I was feeling.

We each have our own styles. Not saying one is better than another.

The most important lesson I learned was to accept that this happened, to accept that he was so drastically changed, to accept that I was alone.

The support of this community soothed me when I was distressed. I would not have been soothed if somehow I was being asked to pick apart the life I had in my marriage for 32 years, nor really the life I had as a person for 55 years.

Do we have FOO issues...of course we all do, some to a greater degree than others. As many people know, I work and have worked with children who have been abused for many many years and their trauma is beyond what most of us have experienced..and yet, those who go on in life and do "well" have a resistance that gets them out of their FOO issues to focus on the present and the future, letting go of the past which they really cannot do much about.

Life evolves, we should always have been growing, expanding, seeking knowledge about ourselves..their crisis pushed us into a very uncomfortable and unstable place...so I will say this, there is enough going on in the LBSer's world, at least initially (and that could be for a couple of years)...like Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the LBSer is trying to get their most basic needs met..so the self actualization part might be difficult to work on in this time. It might also cause undue worry to the LBSer that somehow they are at fault. Building up rather than tearing apart an already shattered world for the LBSer is my philosophy.  At times , other posters were very direct  when I needed that (Thank you Stayed!) but in general, I was best served by the expressions of help I received that accepted me for who I was and didn't insist that I needed somehow to change.

Just my point of view.

[WHY]

That begs the question: if I'm not causing the crisis, why do I need to self-analyse? Is this needed to force you to rebuild yourself after the destruction?

What's are your views on why is working on Self so important?

For me this means doing the work to restore yourself to what you once were, and then some.

Remember, this crisis caused us to change in ways we could never imagine.  Damaging us.  So the self work in my mind is actually repair vs improvement. 

And I think that out of great suffering and adversity, self improvement becomes a side benefit.  We become tougher, more resilient, more confident to take on what lies next.  We realize the areas where we weren’t the best partners and we fix it.  These are good changes. 

And we make changes for the better.  Someone mentioned not getting worked up about the little things in life!  This is so true.  I’ve learned to shed all that BS and focus on what’s truly important. 

[marvin4242]

What's are your views on why is working on Self so important?

Mine is this: simply put, regardless of what you believe, whether you want to reconcile, move on, or are unsure at the moment, the path is the same. You have to regain your footing, start to process and accept what has happened, not fall into the trap of rewriting the past, but to be able to look at it with clear eyes. And most importantly, without deluding yourself that there is some magic recipe, or any guarantees, or that it simply “takes time” understand your own needs, and decisions, so you can move forward in your life with your eyes, wide, open and aligned with what you need.  Rather than focus on your midlife crisis, spouse, or sit around, hoping and waiting that they will somehow magically just “snap out of it “

Part of this process for me was to understand how much of my well-being I had put into a relationship rather than held responsible for in myself. Because, regardless of what you choose to do, I believe it is important to not repeat a pattern that happened in the past.

[Treasur]

I think a big bad painful shocking thing happened that we had very little control over that upended our lives and sense of self to a greater or lesser degree.

As with anything that big in life, put simply, I see three stages - survival, repair and adaptation. We are individual human beings and we find ourselves on these shores with different life experiences and baggage before the big bad thing happened. And our particular circumstances can differ; we’re not all in the same kind of boat. So, what each of those three stages requires can differ too even if our storms seem similar. Imho the core of being a LBS is a process of figuring out what survival, repair and adaptation actually means to and for you….and usually, with time, it becomes easier to see that very little of it is about the cause of the storm

[keepfighting]

The most important lesson I learned was to accept that this happened, to accept that he was so drastically changed, to accept that I was alone.

Very hard to do. Especially so as you don't know what lies ahead.

And I think that out of great suffering and adversity, self improvement becomes a side benefit.  We become tougher, more resilient, more confident to take on what lies next.  We realize the areas where we weren’t the best partners and we fix it.  These are good changes.

Certainly. One thing I thought about these days is that up until recently I did not really know much about stuff like perimenopause, menopause, let alone MLC other than it exists. I did not know about the details, seriousness, types of MLC, the destruction that comes with it and I somehow blame our teachers in schools, the curriculum. I for one was never thought about this. It was a lesson I had to learn on my own and the painful way.

If at least we would have been made aware that this condition, dis-ease exists, in some ways maybe I could have prepared for it a bit better as I know now how much the LBS' actions in the first initial months after BD matters. My first reaction when I found out about PA was, that's it we are getting separated.

One of the other useful things I learned from one of the posters here was: he said he eliminated the words NEVER and ALWAYS from his vocabulary. He would always say his wife cheating would never happen to him or I would always stand by my wife.

Guess, these situatiations in life teach you to be more careful with words and how important is the way you communicate things, control your emotions (respond vs react).

[Nas]

I think self reflection and self examination are important as a constant, not just after something like this, but after any relationship, in the absence of a relationship, and maybe even more importantly throughout relationships. People tend to just “live life” on auto pilot, where life is just happening to us and around us, and frankly, that’s how a lot of us ended up here in the first place. Once you settle into a relationship, it’s very easy to become complacent, and some of us never knew quite who we were before the relationship, so the relationship became who we were. The process of knowing yourself, to me, is ongoing. It’s unfortunate that it took the events of the last few years for me to realize that, but better late than never…