[Nas]

This week’s posts brought to you by changing perspectives…

https://psyche.co/ideas/avoiding-sadness-can-backfire-heres-how-to-turn-towards-it

“Whether you tend to avoid, suppress, or judge your sad feelings or not, learning ways to meet and greet this difficult emotion, listen to its needs and find the courage and inner resources to move forward can help make it more bearable. One way you can do this is by learning to shift your vantage point…”

🎶 https://youtu.be/IJFvSj6SYFY?si=PVZ7NkuWRyCxSuR

[UrsaMajor]

This just arrived in my e-mail box courtesy of a subscription I have to the SSJE (Society of Saint John the Evangelist) which is a religious order. They send out an e-mail called "Brother, give us a word" and it is a single word with an interpretation behind it... Today's word is.....

Detachment - Claim your preferences; clarify your hoped-for outcomes; advocate for what you think the right decision. The practice of detachment then allows us to both claim our desires and, simultaneously, to recognize that they may not come to be. Detachment allows us to hold our desires in one open palm and to recognize the outcome might be quite different, maybe even opposite what we hope for or desire. That’s life.

[Reinventing]

I read this short poem that really resonated. I dont know the author:

You may find that you
begin to measure your life
before
and after
they left.

And that's okay

Just be sure
that whatever you do
whatever tiny grain of strength
you have left
that you strive
to fill up the after
as richly
and as beautifully
as they helped you
fill the before

The before
is committed to memory now
but the after is
totally up to you

Make it count

[KayDee]

https://drchatterjee.com/a-proven-prescription-for-health-and-happiness-why-being-able-to-forgive-improves-your-physical-mental-wellbeing-with-dr-fred-luskin/

This is a really deep and thought provoking podcast - I really recommend it. Frames forgiveness in the context of grief, as part of acceptance. Forgiveness toward recovery for the person who is experiencing the grief. I found it extremely empowering. Better to listen after you are about 18 months in - for reasons that will be apparent if you listen

[xyzcf]

https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2025/01/01/radical-acceptance-pain-suffering/

article on radical acceptance

[UrsaMajor]

Bump
Something to consider regarding forgiveness (since the FB picture disappeared in my last post):


• Forgiveness does not destroy our memory. We've all heard people say, "If you haven't forgotten, you haven't forgiven." That statement is requiring too much of forgiveness. After we forgive, memories of the hurt or offense will remain. But, if we want true reconciliation, we must not allow the memory to control the behavior. Nor should we feel guilty for remembering.
• Forgiveness does not remove all painful emotions. The most common emotions felt in the hearts of offended individuals are hurt, anger, disappointment, fear, and frustration. We don't ask for these emotions, but we must acknowledge and respond to them—refusing to let them dictate our behavior. Perhaps this is easier said than done, but when you process those emotions with God or a trusted counselor or friend, it can accelerate your journey toward healing.
• Forgiveness does not restore trust. You may have heard someone say, "I've forgiven them, but I don't trust them." The reality is that forgiveness does not rebuild trust automatically. Trust is broken when someone is untrustworthy. It can only be restored by the offending person choosing to be trustworthy. Forgiveness merely opens the door for the possibility that trust can be restored. Trustworthiness paves the path.
• Forgiveness dos not always lead to restoration. Some individuals make the mistake of thinking forgiveness means restoration. The word restoration means "to bring back to harmony." That takes working through differences, putting your finger on the things that led to the break in the relationship, and finding new ways of relating to each other. This is especially true when vows have been broken in marriage. Relationships can be saved when there are sincere apologies and genuine forgiveness, but often there still needs to be the hard work of reconciliation.

[OffRoad]

Regarding forgiveness, you don't have to forgive someone who does not ask for forgiveness to be ok and move along. You can accept that this is who they are. True acceptance sets you free. JMHO.

[KayDee]

I would be really interested in what people make of this:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4cravvuXyaeZxbP0I7yXMR

If you are not familiar, Heavyweight is a podcast that helps people resolve an issue from the past - hence the title.  The creator, Jonathan Goldstein is  both witty and sincere. (it's available on iTunes etc also.) This is episode 29.

I've been listening for years, and I suddenly remembered this one

"When Elyse was 21, her father, Billy, disappeared without explanation. When Elyse finally learned of his whereabouts, she was shocked by the new life he was living. Now, for the first time in five years, Billy and Elyse sit down to talk"


I found it really thought-provoking and I thought of our community.

[KayDee]

This is really insightful -

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/mar/29/my-patient-was-happy-with-her-partner-of-25-years-then-started-a-torrid-affair-a-psychotherapist-on-why-people

[marvin4242]

Thanks KayDee interesting read. However I am somewhat disturbed by this oversimplistic view of something so complicated. Not that there are not elements of truth perhaps in that version, but to reduce the choices of an experienced healthy 58 year old to childhood misses the fact that we all have experiences in our past. Its whether we disassociate from them or learn to understand our own needs, lacks, pains etc that perhaps determines whether we are present and in control of our lives or are driven into out of control and damaging behaviors.

I am also surprised by any therapist who would simply sit and listen to a patient for extended periods of time without intervention or engaging in active work. Its almost unethical.