[Anoi]

He is fine but preffers to be in a so so mood, cause eventually he will have to choose between optimistic and pessimistic, but for now he is fatalistic and in a bad mood cause it helps, cause he is tired of those moods switching 3 times a day.
Pfff.. i live like that for months, with my moods switching all around the place and i don't have OM to at least pleasure my view while living through this nightmare.
Doesn't touch me until i touch him. Wonderful.

[Anoi]

He wakes up and laying in the bed, then gets up in tears, sits on the bed. I ask can i hug him? He says unfortunately i dont think so, explains that was fine yesterday and thought that resolved something and woke up with the most awful thoughts.  As he left i said i am sorry he feels that way, but i didn't follow him downstairs, should i have hugged him anyway or should i just let him be in those moments?

[Reinventing]

Usually folks mirror the MLCer's behavior. For a simple example of that, if the MLCer displays a behavior (like saying good morning), then the LBS responds in kind (answers good morning).

[Anoi]

Usually folks mirror the MLCer's behavior. For a simple example of that, if the MLCer displays a behavior (like saying good morning), then the LBS responds in kind (answers good morning).

Well according to this logic i behaved right and just went back to sleep, leaving him to his misery. Now that i woke up he shared some info on how he felt and hugged me for a while after i came to say hello in the morning. We had plans for today, but as with all plans lately he canceled them, because of the bad mood, promising that we will go one time soon...
Said that it's weird to him, how his moods switches without any obvious reason. I only listened and said i am sorry for him and hooe that it will go better for him.
He started to share more in general, but it doesn't change much for him, instead of being with me he is sitting in his room drinking beer in the morning 0o.
I distance myself and is around him only when he wants it. As i calmed down and understood that it's probably the end, it is easier for me to follow the "right" behavior of LBS. I have my healing to do and my life to live, though it's super hard to imagine and pain is killing me, but it will get better.

[Dragonfly33]

This reminds me of my xh after BD. I was tiptoeing, only came to him when he wanted to talk to me. I adjusted to all his whims and blah blah hoping that he would come to his senses. The only thing I can tell you (you can take it if you feel comfortable, or just ignore it), is really leave him be. I would not even make an effort of starting a conversation. If he speaks to you, you answer him in a neutral way. If I could go back time, I would not come to him only when he wanted to talk. Don't forget, you are a separate person, you can also decide not to talk to him when you don't feel like it.  Stop treating these MLCers like a they hold all the cards.  Whatever you do, it will not change their mind. I learned it the hard way. Really just do you. Don't waste your energy on him.

[Anoi]

Today, i guess, was the first day when i actually talked to him about my boundaries. I told him i Want the separation and need it. That we can talk about any moves forward, only if i will see his steps towards me and obviously EA and me don't exist together. I didn't say leave her or choose me, just stated the fact. He listened and he heard me. Idk why but he actually started to talk to me, share his feelings, make some explaining about moods etc. Out of a sudden was not that critical about me staying in this country ( we have this option but i don't want to be alone). 
Another change i guess, that doesn't mean much. Will see what he will do when i am gone and will he ever take those steps. It's up to him and now he knows it.

[Anoi]

Stop treating these MLCers like a they hold all the cards.  Whatever you do, it will not change their mind. I learned it the hard way. Really just do you. Don't waste your energy on him.

I know that you are right, but that happens when i leave. For now i prefer peace and calm.

[Anoi]

This morning i think about how he is but not in the concerned way, but more like how scripted his behavior is and how pitiful. He lies to everyone, he procrastinates in every possible way, he searches for love in a person, who is already makes him unhappy. I don't think that in that state of mind anybody can make any good decisions or even like themselves. And the support system that mlcer has in his life he destroys starting with his closest friend - wife or husband.
But actually there is nothing i can do, for him.
I think i feel sorry for myself, that it happened to me, feel grief for the life we had and i tried so hard to be happy, thought that i will overcome everything and be finally happy. Well i was, for less than a year and now it's another awful time.
I am very scared of what comes next, divorce, establishing new life in a different country, finding my place there, somehow finding a job and finally finding a man to live and love. Not to mention overcoming my physical and mental problems. This fear is almost freezing me, but i know step be step i will come somewhere, where the sun shines bright, i am smiling and happy and loved.
It's a shame that life doesn't just have a pause button to breath out, but i see many stories here, of women and men, who got stronger and more happy after theirs spouses meltdown. Maybe we don't want to be, but we are the strong ones either rebuilding our lifes or standing for our marriages. It gives me a lot of hope for my future and a lot of strength in my everyday struggle to find myself in this mess and take calm less harmful decisions for my future.
Thank you all for your support!

[Reinventing]

Iona, great post. I found myself nodding as I read along.

And yes, building a new life is step by step. I tried to do something practical toward that new life every day once I had the realizations that you just wrote. I wasn't always successful in taking a step each day, but when I did, I felt better and better.

Once I realized that my life was irrevocably changed at BD and there was no "going back", that reconciliation was a new relationship if it happened, it also calmed me and helped me realize that I had to build the new life one way or another.

Step by step you can do this.

[Anoi]

For the past several days H was in a good mood, almost glowing being attentive etc. And it totally freaked me out, i thought he had progress with ow or something else, as all trust is gone.
So i freaked out in front of him with tears and it grew in an argument where i was told that i shoul share my feelings with someone else and not put his mood down with all my sh!t, finally the monster showed it's full size.
So yeah i am guilty in everything, i betrayed my promises as the start of the relationship and he was telling and i don't know how to listen to other ppl etc. All of that went into shouting match, slamming doors ( me)  and throwing my wedding ring at him.
We told each other so much bitter and awful things out of hurt and rage, then cried about common griefs, then talked a bit and went to sleep.
I had huge anxiety in the morning, i am not sure our relationship can even recover from that amount of frustrations about each other.
Ofc i started feeling guilty for everything, yes i did some mistakes, but it's not me who totally screwed it but with not being able to communicate with other ppl.
Anyway i regret even starting it, my bad side took over and i don't feel that feeling constantly guilty is in anyway healthy or normal, but he makes me feel exactly that way.
On this point, knowing him and knowing me, i think we are both "done" with each other for somw timw for sure. Love is still there though on both sides. And i just feel desperate and sad today.
It will pass. Everything will pass. Sun will shine. Just not today.