[Atari25]

Tips? Get legal representation ASAP and protect yourself. When an MLC'er decides to go into shark mode, they go for anything and everything they can think of, whether it is legal or realistic or not.

My daughter (24) had a huge fight with my wife. She backed off and is no longer using that lawyer.

I have a lawyer ready to go but she backed but she has agreed to a mediator and says all she wants is 1/2 the house and some spousal support. We shall see what happens after the first meeting between the 3 of us. I'm not particularly optimistic but my wife also seems like she is in a daze and doesn't seem to understand the difference between a lawyers and mediators. I thought she had friends helping her but I don't think that's the case.

[Atari25]

Tips? Get legal representation ASAP and protect yourself. When an MLC'er decides to go into shark mode, they go for anything and everything they can think of, whether it is legal or realistic or not.

My daughter (24) had a huge fight with my wife - her decision because she is very protective of me. Wife backed off and is no longer using that lawyer.

I have a lawyer ready to go but she  she has agreed to a mediator and says all she wants is 1/2 the house and some spousal support. We shall see what happens after the first meeting between the 3 of us. I'm not particularly optimistic but my wife also seems like she is in a daze and doesn't seem to understand the difference between a lawyers and mediators. I thought she had friends helping her but I don't think that's the case.

[Atari25]

So things have settled down though wife is still drinking, partying and is in full blown MLC. Mediation was eventually agreed upon and that is now starting. She needs more money for her new lifestyle and I suspect that is prompting her movement towards wanting a quick agreement.

We have had 2 preliminary meetings via Webex and each time I see the stone cold emotionless wife I remember the last time I saw her. It's brutal. It's heartbreaking to see it. Have other's here experienced this emotionless behavior? U have tears in my eye and she doesn't seem to care about anything. Unbelievable.

One positive is she seems to be contacting the kids more often. Kids can see she is off - they always tell me the weird things she says. They know their mother is a different person now and they seem at peace with it. It's been a rough year but to be honest at this point I would love to start a fresh 2025 with most of this nightmare behind me. I still have tears in my eyes 2-3 times a week but I have to really start letting go....

[Flummoxed]

I’m so sorry, Atari25- truly. This chaos truly puts one through the emotional wringer. I have also experienced the emotionless behavior. When I still saw him in person, the worst was the teen-like hatred. Since leaving, I’ve mainly experienced cold, almost brutal business-like responses. The HS team advised this was likely a way for him to get control in his own mind of at least something- and for them to live with themselves and their choices, they need us to be the villain of their story. Even though we know that’s simply not the reality.

Things will get better with time, whichever direction that may be. I can’t say when the hurt will lessen and the tears will diminish as I’m newer to the process myself. But we will come out of this stronger than before, that is for sure. Detachment is a requirement and will be key to healing. Here’s to a better 2025 all around!

[KayDee]

The cold and formal is really hard.  Personally, I think it is self-protection - compartmentalizing and putting up a wall. I mean, let's face it, their behaviour is pretty terrible, they must have to ring fence it, bury it or project outwards. And yes, as Flummoxed said, trying to create the illusion of control 'I am the sane, logical one here. NOTHING wrong with me'. Probably part of the same thing -  I suspect that the coldness can sometimes be a sort of passive aggressive anger. They know they are the perpetrator of so much hurt, and somehow they double down with monstrous self-justification. Often they get kinda grandiose like this when there is OM/OW bolstering them up. In short - facade.

[KayDee]

And so sorry you are going through this Atari - it may not seem like it, but having tears in your eyes, feeling your emotions, and grieving, it is the normal response. Hurts like hell but is part of the healing.

[zartheit]

Have other's here experienced this emotionless behavior?

Yes, I was on the receiving end of this as well. I remember earlier in the process where I broke down and began to cry in front of her and she looked at me with such revulsion and disgust. Later on, it was like I was a ghost that she was only dimly aware was haunting her. I now view this as my hurt and vulnerability reflecting her own fissures. Her disgust and avoidance were maybe her coping mechanisms for shoving down and hiding the pain that was animating her. I say this decidedly NOT to give this behavior a pass, just some thoughts that occurred to me years later that are consistent with it all being impersonal.

As for tears, well, I cried every day for years. I would phase in and out of sorrow the way I can now notice my lower back or hunger. It was always right around the corner, it was omniscient. In my case, it attenuated both in severity and frequency. I rarely feel assaulted by it these days. The interesting thing was that nothing really changed. It was like it was integrated and accommodated. The model I had in my head from the outset was that it would dissolve but instead I can simply sit with the experience, witness the memories. This is something that felt completely unimaginable. And paradoxically, when this happened then I started to "forget". My ex-wife now feels like an old childhood friend I lost contact with. There's not really the hurt associated there unless I really dig it up. There's just the change of seasons, the fluctuation of life, the transience of projects and eras and events. She's no longer "present". She's a memory from my past.

[Reinventing]

Well said. Unimaginable but eventually liveable.

[Atari25]

I’m so sorry, Atari25- truly. This chaos truly puts one through the emotional wringer. I have also experienced the emotionless behavior. When I still saw him in person, the worst was the teen-like hatred. Since leaving, I’ve mainly experienced cold, almost brutal business-like responses. The HS team advised this was likely a way for him to get control in his own mind of at least something- and for them to live with themselves and their choices, they need us to be the villain of their story. Even though we know that’s simply not the reality.

Things will get better with time, whichever direction that may be. I can’t say when the hurt will lessen and the tears will diminish as I’m newer to the process myself. But we will come out of this stronger than before, that is for sure. Detachment is a requirement and will be key to healing. Here’s to a better 2025 all around!

Thank you for the note, I truly believe what you say, we will all be stronger on the other side. It's the day to day slog of getting through it mentally and legally that are absolutely horrible. I have another Webex scheduled for next week. Ug!   

The cold and formal is really hard.  Personally, I think it is self-protection - compartmentalizing and putting up a wall. I mean, let's face it, their behaviour is pretty terrible, they must have to ring fence it, bury it or project outwards. And yes, as Flummoxed said, trying to create the illusion of control 'I am the sane, logical one here. NOTHING wrong with me'. Probably part of the same thing -  I suspect that the coldness can sometimes be a sort of passive aggressive anger. They know they are the perpetrator of so much hurt, and somehow they double down with monstrous self-justification. Often they get kinda grandiose like this when there is OM/OW bolstering them up. In short - facade.

I think it is self protection also I agree. They burry 25 years of memories and feelings. So hurtful.

And ya - I feel like she is angry at me. It haunts me in my dreams.

[Atari25]

Yes, I was on the receiving end of this as well. I remember earlier in the process where I broke down and began to cry in front of her and she looked at me with such revulsion and disgust. Later on, it was like I was a ghost that she was only dimly aware was haunting her. I now view this as my hurt and vulnerability reflecting her own fissures. Her disgust and avoidance were maybe her coping mechanisms for shoving down and hiding the pain that was animating her. I say this decidedly NOT to give this behavior a pass, just some thoughts that occurred to me years later that are consistent with it all being impersonal.

As for tears, well, I cried every day for years. I would phase in and out of sorrow the way I can now notice my lower back or hunger. It was always right around the corner, it was omniscient. In my case, it attenuated both in severity and frequency. I rarely feel assaulted by it these days. The interesting thing was that nothing really changed. It was like it was integrated and accommodated. The model I had in my head from the outset was that it would dissolve but instead I can simply sit with the experience, witness the memories. This is something that felt completely unimaginable. And paradoxically, when this happened then I started to "forget". My ex-wife now feels like an old childhood friend I lost contact with. There's not really the hurt associated there unless I really dig it up. There's just the change of seasons, the fluctuation of life, the transience of projects and eras and events. She's no longer "present". She's a memory from my past.

Very profound observations, I appreciate this. The fading memories however feel much more like a death to me. I have all the memories and photo albums and children and a home but I have no one to share them with anymore. I see a women on my screen that looks like the women I married and shared 25 years with but she acts like someone else I don't know anymore. She looks emotionally dead inside.

I can imagine my married life memories transitioning to a sort of childhood friend like feeling as you mention, but only to a degree. This is not someone I was just best friends with, it's someone I deeply loved. Maybe this will change  with more time I don't know. You gave me a lot to think about.