[KayDee]

I'm so sorry. It is devastating and you are carrying so much at the moment. Please go and see a solicitor asap - a consultation will cost about £100. Divorce in the UK can be done entirely without addressing financial matters and this will not suit your situation. As you have 3 small children you must have financial protection and support. Likely by you requesting a financial order as part of the divorce process. Believe me, I know how hard it is to get your head around this when in such emotional turmoil, but solicitors are delightfully dispassionate and will give you the information you need. Take a friend or family member to take notes for you if you can. Agree to nothing until you have had legal advice. (((hugs)))

PS... perhaps a moderator can combine your threads, you have 3 on the go and it will be easier for people to support you if the information is all in one thread.

[Treasur]

I agree with KayDee about seeing a solicitor pronto. Imho once divorce has been mentioned, the landscape is changed and you need to protect yourself and your children’s’ future as a priority.

I would advise you not to reply to your h’a email until you have spoken to a lawyer. And while you feel like you have been punched in the stomach tbh. If you feel you must reply, say something neutral like ‘give me a couple of days to find it and let me know where to securely send it’…..

Of course it hurts. Your h, perhaps the person you trusted most on the planet, has betrayed you, lied to you and is now seemingly keen to throw you, your marriage and your family life with your children away as if all of you were nothing. Tbh I was thinking this morning that these moments are a bit like being told you have cancer….you know that whatever you wish for and however things unfold, your life has just altered irrecoverably and there is very little you can do to change that. And that is a very big f’ing deal indeed. So please be kind to yourself and give yourself a space to process the deep awful shock of it. Your h has kept you hanging for months….he can wait a few days for a response.

And please resist the (understandable) desire to share your feelings about it with him….he doesn’t want to hear them and/or doesn’t care, or he would have already done a whole bunch of things differently. At best, at the very best, he is a selfish weak cowardly man. I can think of a whole list of even less flattering words at worst.

If you were to follow the logic of all those questions spinning round in your mind, you would have to believe that there is something so wrong or so worthless about you AND your children’s lives that warranted or explained this. Is that really true? Does your little baby deserve this? Did your other kids do something so awful that they deserve this? Is ow so marvellous that it’s a sufficient excuse for upending your family’s life, your own little one’s lives? I think you know in your gut that none of that true. The failure is your h’s…. This is about who HE is, not about who all of YOU are. And I have to tell you, it’s not a very pretty picture of a man from over here. It will take you a bit of time probably to see him and his behaviour without the habit of a loving gaze….does for most of us here, but then we are playing catch up on truth and facts usually, aren’t we?

So, you will need to keep working on adjusting your eye to who he is NOW as opposed to who you think he was. Imagine a friend had experienced what you have….would it even occur to you that she or her children were to blame for it? I suspect not. You would think doubtless that he was a substandard PoS as a man, h and father. Be kind to yourself….it hurts so much bc what he is doing is a profoundly hurtful thing. The hurt of it might feel like it will kill you - most of us here even years later, even when we have experienced other big awful things, will probably still say it was the worst experience of our lives. But we survived it, and you will too - it just isn’t a quick or easy path through.

But while you are adjusting and grieving and feeling a million feelings in a few minutes….see a lawyer bc your h has fired his opening cannon fire on the boat that has you and your children in it. And you need a more objective experienced head to lead you all to safety and tell you what to do next until you feel like you are up off your knees again. Do that now, right now, pick up the phone and make an appointment right now.

[UrsaMajor]

Hello Hollie,

I am sorry that he has decided to get things started. I have merged your two threads into a single thread - that makes it easier to keep track of your story and you'll get more interaction if people have a chance to follow your story.

Treasur and KayDee are 100% correct. You need to see a solicitor/lawyer ASAP and get things in place to make sure that you and your kids are financially protected before he gets his quickie D and runs off into the tunnel

[Treasur]

And prepare yourself to consider that your solicitor may tell you that, bc of how UK divorce law now works and the separation between financial stuff and divorce stuff, it might be in your very best interests to file first. Bc that may allow you to control some things about the process as opposed to being on the receiving end of how someone else controls it.

That’s a hard thing when you never imagined wanting a divorce, I know. But sometimes, it makes sense practically so ask your solicitor about the pros and cons of that. I did not follow my solicitors advice on this a few months in bc I just felt I couldn’t….but it would have been much much better for me financially if I had. Maybe even emotionally bc things got a lot worse before they got better for me.  And truthfully, years down the line, if you and your kids are ok, it won’t make as much difference as you probably currently feel it will.

[xyzcf]

I have merged your two topics into one thread. Makes it easier for people to follow your story. Once you reach 150 threads, this one will be closed and you cna start a new one.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this and have such very small children to take care of. The advice that you are receiving is really good. As much as you do not want this, protecting yourself and your children financially is a top priority.

[Hollie220423]

Sorry guys I’m not all that sure one how to post and carry on my posts, I’ve been finding it hard to navigate. I know a few things about it I have spoken to a lawyer and she mentioned that I could file first I would get a bit of control but also it doesn’t matter to much I just need to make sure that we have a financial order in place etc. so she has all my stuff on file - so I guess I just now will instruct her to start the process. I’ll go back through the emails tonight.

I took the marriage certificate and put it safe and I knew he would go through my stuff and look for it (he stole some money from me) denies it of course -  so put all my stuff away safe so that when he needed to file I would get the heads up first. So I’ll get her onboard asap will call her tomo.

Thankyou for your advice - it’s bloody horrible to be in this situation as I know you all know - I just cannot work out how people can treat people this way - least of all the person you trusted with yours and your kids lives.

I know why he wants to start it moving now as he wants to get it going before they get a place together so I can’t have access so her earnings also on the financial order even though he is living with her already. He's not on a tenancy or utility bills etc

[mcm64d]

Hollie....

I am so sorry to hear all of this. Children nor spouses should be subjected to what you are going through.

Treasur and the rest give some of the most sincere, amazing advice. I am truly blessed that I found this site.

As difficult and confusing as all of this is, please do not think any less of yourself because of what has transpired...in fact try to think very highly of yourself for being a mom in this despicable situation. All of this happening during pregnancy, child birth and after is truly vile, but one thing is certain- you are amazing!!!

Please try to be as well as you can and take extra good care of yourself. I found guided meditations on youtube quite helpful to slow the mind down.

You are in our thoughts and therefore you will never be alone in any of this!!

[Nas]

I’m so sorry, the timing of this adds an extra layer of cruelty.

I know it’s hard right now to think about five minutes ahead, let alone further into the future. I don’t want to overwhelm you with advice from my own experience, so I just want to mention one thing that you likely haven’t thought about that may or may not apply. I also was married outside of my country of residence. My former husband actually took our marriage license, never filed for divorce and claimed to have lost the only copy of the certificate, or it was destroyed in flooding rains, or he ripped it up and threw it away… Depending on the day he told the story and how much he had to drink and whatever other factors were at play. My point is, he took the only copy because it gave him control.

Please retain that attorney you’ve been talking to, take that copy of your marriage license and give it to them for safekeeping and get the finances squared away to make sure you and your children are safe and have a foundation under your feet. You can choose to file later or give it to him to file, but giving it to him now with no financial protections could put you in a very bad position.

[Hollie220423]

I’m confused as to if I give it to him now how does it leave me financially unprotected? Because I can contest stuff can’t I? I have three copies and I won’t be giving him the original none of them are in the house luckily. Spoke to the solicitors receptionist today she’s gonna call me tomo. As to what I need to do now - he will have to apply I guess then I can to recognise it? But I’ll speak to them before I do anything anyway. 

I know I am only just feeling better post partum - he has drip fed me info over the last 10 months I knew from the beginning there was OW but he waited until baby was two weeks old to tell me he was starting to think about dating; then two weeks after that it was early days, 4 weeks after that he wanted to introduce her to the kids.. they had been together just 6 weeks (apparently) at this point - now they are moving in together going on holidays etc been together only 4 months..?

[Nas]

I’m confused as to if I give it to him now how does it leave me financially unprotected? Because I can contest stuff can’t I? I have three copies and I won’t be giving him the original none of them are in the house luckily. Spoke to the solicitors receptionist today she’s gonna call me tomo. As to what I need to do now - he will have to apply I guess then I can to recognise it? But I’ll speak to them before I do anything anyway. 

I know I am only just feeling better post partum - he has drip fed me info over the last 10 months I knew from the beginning there was OW but he waited until baby was two weeks old to tell me he was starting to think about dating; then two weeks after that it was early days, 4 weeks after that he wanted to introduce her to the kids.. they had been together just 6 weeks (apparently) at this point - now they are moving in together going on holidays etc been together only 4 months..?

I don’t know the laws where you are but where I live a certified copy of the marriage license is the only thing that will be accepted, a photocopy will not  It had never even occurred to me to make a copy of it at any point during our marriage, but I only had one certified copy. My former husband disappeared with no financial agreement in place and he took that original marriage license with him. I expected him to file immediately. He decided vanishing was a better, or at least far cheaper, choice for him.
As of now, you have to protect your interest and the interest of your children as if literally anything could happen. If you have one certified copy of your marriage license, and if copies are not accepted in divorce filings where you live, it is in your best interest to be the one in possession of it, and to keep it safe, I would put it in the possession of your lawyer. He has blown up your world and has proven that he has no one‘s interest at heart but his own. Obviously your lawyer is the best source for advice on this, but from experience, you would be doing yourself a big favor by holding onto that document until your financial security is legally settled.