[Hollie220423]

   I hope you rolled your eyes and got on with your day. An emoji is much easier than showing up and being a decent adult, after all. Grrr on your behalf.

But I hope you are having a lovely day with the small humans that came from that initial day, that’s worth celebrating x

I am I have brought them to a zoo somewhere completely new where we have never been as a family.. and your correct I was just like wtf.. and not replied I was gonna say thanks but I just don’t see how I could reply - because it’s either a thinking of you today because this is our wedding anniversary that I firetrucked up, or thinking of you today because I know it will be hard for you whilst I’m on my high horse with the ow.. I’ve been ok today - just had two moments where it hit me like a train.. last one as his wife and all that

[Treasur]

Well done you!
I tend to think of LBS healing as being a bit like building an old fashioned dry stone wall. Slowly, those individual good ‘stones’ - like your zoo day today - build something good and sturdy and even happy.

[Hollie220423]

Well done you!
I tend to think of LBS healing as being a bit like building an old fashioned dry stone wall. Slowly, those individual good ‘stones’ - like your zoo day today - build something good and sturdy and even happy.

This is so true. I’ve had a really rough few weeks I know it ebbs and flows but Jesus I think the reality of my wedding anniversary hit me! And then I went into questioning why would he do that etc - anyway long story short a few days after this event we had a massive row.

My solicitor sent him a letter basically saying they understand he has some things he wants to put on the conditional order and whilst we want to consider the offerings we need full financial disclosure from him before we do this.. he went crazy saying he’s not giving us that he doesn’t have to 🤣🤣 (hasn’t done his homework) told me my legal advice was wrong, that I’m gonna be the one costing us a fortune, but that’s fine we will do it my way as we always do I’m so controlling..

I then stupidly felt bad like I’m doing it to spite him an realised the gaslighting and the fact I’m just doing the steps that is necessary I’m divorce he hasn’t looked into this and has just filed quickly maybe to make her feel more secure who knows.

Then this week more confusion - I basically nearly died five years ago  suffered several cardiac arrests in my sleep - on the anniversary of them I get a text saying to me to enjoy the day and he hope I have a nice time celebrating etc - yet last year I heard nothing.. 

Then the next day get another text saying that he hopes I had a good time.. now this is all happening whilst he is on his two week holiday in Mexico with his gf!! Which has given me the rage.. Wtaf are these people on - you don’t want me so leave me be stop confusing my head..

[UrsaMajor]

Treasur (if I recall correctly) also had an MLC'er that would send her messages, sometimes raging, sometimes nice. She finally created a special "folder/filter" if I remember so all of his messages went there and she basically opened the folder when SHE felt like it and had the mental fortitude to do so rather than reading things as they cam in. This helped her peace of mind as she wasn't getting randomly bombarded with diametrically opposing messages in a single 24-hour period.

Might be something to consider..... Unless there is a real good reason that you need to keep communication channels open 24/7 (like kids), I'd suggest something similar to a filter/folder, if for no other reason than to protect your own peace of mind.

As far as his ranting about the conditional offer, typical Mid-Lifer - "Oh!  Consequences! You are so mean making me accountable for my actions. I think I'll throw all my toys out of my pram. THAT will teach you.... "  He is expecting everything to go exactly how he wants it... That is NOT how real life works.....

[titleholder]

Pff.. a week with a lot of memories Hollie, but you're handling everything really well! You should be proud of ourself! Keep on going!

My solicitor sent him a letter basically saying they understand he has some things he wants to put on the conditional order and whilst we want to consider the offerings we need full financial disclosure from him before we do this.. he went crazy saying he’s not giving us that he doesn’t have to 🤣🤣 (hasn’t done his homework) told me my legal advice was wrong, that I’m gonna be the one costing us a fortune, but that’s fine we will do it my way as we always do I’m so controlling..

I then stupidly felt bad like I’m doing it to spite him an realised the gaslighting and the fact I’m just doing the steps that is necessary I’m divorce he hasn’t looked into this and has just filed quickly maybe to make her feel more secure who know

They are champions in gastlighting! Don't let him make you feel bad! He's the one that's stupid and didn't do any research.. I had the same with my xH. He wanted a divorce but didn't do any legal research before hand, for him divorce was only the magic word of FREEDOM! Me being the sane one and saw the divorce coming for months did al the research beforehand. The week after he said he wanted to divorce I had an appointment with him and a mediator and already had a proposal made up on paper. He didn't even counter proposal, he just signed at the dot. These people are weird.. Use it to your advantage and try to get the best deal for you and your kids. (and to make clear I gave my xH a fair proposal, if he did his research he could've got something a bit better, but he didn't, that's his loss and at that point it was also not my responsibility anymore)

[Hollie220423]

So I have had one hell of a week - RH is in Mexico with his girlfriend - I have been keeping communication to a minimum only about the kids - we have SEN child together. Who in all honesty has been in crisis since Dad is away - long story with him but he suffers attachment trauma from when I was poorly when he was 2/3

The whole time he’s been away he’s been loosing his Sh*t the meltdowns have been insane and I’ve had problems with him at school - he’s only 8 again long story won’t go into it.

So school contacted him during said meltdown not realising he was 7 hours behind us - then contacted MIL (who has very much been on his side in all this) doesn’t want to see me as if I get upset she doesn’t like how it makes her feel.

They asked her to call me to check I was ok and safe as they were worried about how physical my child is with the baby around and wanted some support for me- she said she was unable to help as he husband FIL was ill in Hospital is fine now and home safe and well - made me feel like I should just be coping and how dare I need to call him as they haven’t told him about his dad and now they will have too and they didn’t want to ruin his holiday blah blah blah 🙄

Anyway she contacted him I didn’t and waited for him to contact me, he did and asked if he could call me - where he broke down on the phone told me he’s so sorry I’m doing all this on my own, like he shouldn’t be on holiday away from his family with her, that he wants to help me more when he’s home. That he misses the family unit and it was so quiet there he hated it. We had an hour long very open and honest convo - and I saw him my husband for the first time since this sh*t storm happened.

He asked if he could come over as soon as he got back, he wanted us all to do for a little walk together then he wants to cook dinner and help me etc - I have agreed.. but now am feeling a bit stupid. Think he’s cake eating.. as when I said during convo today about plans when he gets back - hope you have had a nice time - he said it’s been nice - but just want to get home I’ve missed the boys..

I was hurt he had a nice time.. so I questioned him and said. Do you want me to step out on Sunday and you can take the kids with her - he said no. I think it will be good for us and the boys to spend some time together..?

So he’s had a nice holiday with the gf - but wants to spend time with me and the kids..? And me first.

Have I just set myself up for heartache..? I think I already know the answer to this 😢

[KayDee]

So he’s had a nice holiday with the gf - but wants to spend time with me and the kids..? And me first.

Have I just set myself up for heartache..? I think I already know the answer to this 😢

So sorry Hollie, I think you know the answer to this.  His entitlement is through the roof. I imagine, like so many of us, you are hoping to hear something meaningful from him on this walk. So many times in the early days, when I was really struggling, I would instinctively think 'oh, I really want to talk to H about this', and literally a nano second later being hit by the fact that he was the cause of this pain I needed to speak about. You are already in extreme heartache, IMO, the question could be 'how do I limit my exposure to the source of this pain'. I can only imagine how hard that is when you have young children though. But here's an idea - take him up on his offer of taking the kids out, say you have now got plans. Make yourself look amazing and go and see friends/family/a matinee - or heck, go and have high tea somewhere nice. Tell him nothing. Go and enjoy yourself. If/when he wants to talk to you in a way that is not all about his needs, it will be clear to you. You will know. For now, yes, he wants it all. And he wants to employ you in the job of alleviating his guilt. But it is his guilt. Not yours.

[Treasur]

As KayDee says, it’s ok to change your mind. Or your plans. That’s normal in normal life.

Right now I think you might be falling into the common LBS trap of asking rather than deciding and informing/offering, still trying to please him or at least not make him angry?

I think you know that agreeing to ‘family time’ given the situation is not going to work well for you. Let’s be blunt…he’s just come back from his loved uo vacation with ow - you are not a fill in Plan B to be thrown a scrap of dinner and a few BS platitudes. If he wasn’t ’happy’ with his choice to vacation with ow’, that’s really not your problem. And again to be blunt, look at what you had to deal with solo while he was topping up his tan.

Tbh sounds as if you could do with a small break from childcare anyway. He says he’s missed the kids. Fine, let him spend time with them while you give yourself a break to do something else. If he doesn’t like that, or has a tantrum, or says no, well hey ho….just go about your normal day. This is what reality looks like when you choose to move out and leave your wife and kids. It’s really not your responsibility to sweep reality under the carpet for him and imho you are doing him, you and your kids no favours if you do.

[xyzcf]

He asked if he could come over as soon as he got back, he wanted us all to do for a little walk together then he wants to cook dinner and help me etc - I have agreed.. but now am feeling a bit stupid. Think he’s cake eating.. as when I said during convo today about plans when he gets back - hope you have had a nice time - he said it’s been nice - but just want to get home I’ve missed the boys..

I was hurt he had a nice time.. so I questioned him and said. Do you want me to step out on Sunday and you can take the kids with her - he said no. I think it will be good for us and the boys to spend some time together..?

So he’s had a nice holiday with the gf - but wants to spend time with me and the kids..? And me first.

Have I just set myself up for heartache..? I think I already know the answer to this 😢

I will share my testimony of how I determined that the right thing to do for our daughter and his relationship with her was that he could be with us. This has helped her to heal, and to spend time with him, even though he has changed so much from the father she knew.

I understand that his crisis has and continues to create chaos in him, I have empathy for this man...once I was able to accept that regardless of the cause, he needs to live the life he is living, and that MLC is not about me, our marriage, our family or our daughter...it's his crisis.

Have I just set myself up for heartache..? I think I already know the answer to this

The heartbreak is already there. It always will be. It wasn't easy to accept but I see the benefits many years later, there is still a family, albeit a broken one.

I don't consider it "cake eating" or being a doormat.....it is more about agape and unconditional love and unselfish consideration for my family.

I am reading a book by Kristen Hannah called The Women about nurses who served in the Viet Nam war. The soldiers died or came back wounded and perhaps more than the physical wounds, were the mental ones. When they returned to the US, they were treated terribly, called baby killers, spit upon and very much misunderstood.

MLC is their war.

I ask this question...on top of suffering a MLC, is it necessary to treat them as an outcast?

Yes, some will say this is better for the LBSer, easier and they do not deserve our consideration. Most will be encouraged to turn their backs and do nothing to make things "easier" for them.

There is a fine line between attempting to "fix' things...which we cannot do, and creating a place of peace for our children and indeed for them to find a bit of calm in the storm they are in.

asked if he could call me - where he broke down on the phone told me he’s so sorry I’m doing all this on my own, like he shouldn’t be on holiday away from his family with her, that he wants to help me more when he’s home. That he misses the family unit and it was so quiet there he hated it. We had an hour long very open and honest convo - and I saw him my husband for the first time since this sh*t storm happened.

I have read similar words from many many MLCer's and it is in these moments where I can see the storm that is within......

We have often stated that the LBSer gets to decide, and we do. Each situation here is different.

I listened to my heart, I prayed and cried out a great deal to God and I found peace in being the person that I have always been rather than listening to the world's view that I should find someone better and that he did not deserve anything from me.

When he had two surgeries last year, I was there to take care of him...not sure where all his other "friends" were.

I don't ask him about his life, I don't want to know how he spends his time so this is a very "superficial" relationship as I expect nothing from him.

My last thought, what we have always said on HS...when you see him, when he speaks to you...do not have any expectations. He will cycle, over and over again so unless he is out of his crisis, you can't believe anything that he tells you.

Over the years, I have done a lot of work with children whose families are fragmented...the damage to these kids is immense.  I questioned, what can I do to limit the damage to our daughter? My decision isn't right for everyone, the main thing it is right for me.

[Hollie220423]

I woke up this morning - and I just didn’t feel right with us all having a family day tomo - I am juts not strong enough to do it and have the best time then for him to leave again. He said he was gonna come and cook dinner help bath the kids to give me a break so I did say

I think you should take the kids out for the afternoon I don’t think
It’s right for me to come - that it’s continuing to hurt me when I’m
Suddenly reminded that he’s just had a lovely - loved up holiday with his gf and I don’t like how it makes me feel. When he leaves I will be on my own again whilst he returns to her. And I need to protect myself and my heart.

He replied with he understands and that tbh he only just got back and has only had 45mins sleep so will pop in for an hour to which i responded with I don’t think that’s enough quality time for rhe kids after not having seen him for 2 weeks.

Then he basically said he still wants to come he wil stay longer but in the morning - so where has my help gone then - because it’s not what he wants to do he’s pulled back all his help because he’s tired..

So the right decision making was made this am - I feel rejected and heartbroken again that he didn’t say what I needed him
Too.: but it’s better today than tomo spending the time then him
Not saying anything and going back to her..

Just wish he would stop telling me what he is it’s so hard