[Happylight]

Well, here we are in February --staring down at the 2 year mark of when the Atomic Bomb Drop happened.  We are still married.  It has become rare for him to be away from the house more than a night or two a week, and usually not for more than 24 hours at a time.   

I am still mostly dealing with a wall of silence.  There is a new component though.  He has been sober (as far as I can tell) since New Year's.  I am not sure if this is just a cleanse of sorts (sober January), but we are a couple days into February now, and I don't think he's had anything.  Alcohol has been a daily thing for him pretty much since I believe crisis started-- near the beginning of Covid crisis.  In the last several months, the alcohol intake has been much more controlled than it was--maybe he was preparing to stop...Anyway, it wasn't until he quit, that I became aware of how much it impacted how I interact with him.  Now, I am having a harder time with reading him.  I had become so used to dealing with him in that state, and didn't realize how much it impacted my interactions.  I have read that being sober after drinking as much as he did, can cause a period of anhedonia (lack of ability to experience pleasure or joy) so basically depression.  If anyone has experience with what a person goes through during the first month of sobriety, I would be interested in hearing experiences. He has spent a LOT of time playing video games.

In the last month he spent a LOT of time fixing up my car--installing a new stereo, backup camera, and hands free controls.  It took him a long time, and I kept expecting him to get frustrated when he hit bumps along the way.  These were not things I had asked for, but I did let him know they are greatly appreciated.

I have realized that A LOT of his moving out is window dressing.  He hasn't ever moved his computer, most of his clothes, cleaned off his dresser, or even gotten mail at the RV park. 

I have been doing the HRT for almost two months now, and blissfully, am sleeping through the night again.  In terms of exercise, I did find out that my shoulder pain was caused by a torn rotator cuff and labrum. The pain and impact on my workouts has been frustrating, but I am trying to work on a new workout plan that incorporates my PT and avoids the things that aggravate it. 

I finished crocheting my 3rd big blanket this year, and a couple of scarves as well.  I am starting to try new patterns and stitches, but I like things that are repetitive.  Continue to work on learning piano.  Moving into pre-advanced lessons and my progress is getting much slower despite daily practice. I've only been playing about 19 months though, so not too bad. 

All in all--still trucking along.  Still standing.  Still putting one foot in front of the other to figure it out.  My kids are struggling with life--hard to tell if it is all related or just their ages etc.  I fear that this experience could set them up for their own crisis in the future.  All I can do is be my best me, support how I can, and PRAY. 

[FaithWalker]

That's good that he's been sober.  Hopefully it continues!

Love that last sentence, that about sums up what we need to focus on.

[UrsaMajor]

If anyone has experience with what a person goes through during the first month of sobriety, I would be interested in hearing experiences. He has spent a LOT of time playing video games.

He has traded one addiction (alcohol) for another (dopamine) via Videogames. Dopamine is also released when we do things for other people that are appreciated. Dopamine is the only Neurotransmitter that humans have figured out how to "hack" unlike Endorphines (coming from physical exercise/exertion) or Oxytocin (released when we have physical bodily contact like hugging). Dopamine is released with swiping on your phone, the short 20-second video clip, playing video games (getting lost in a virtual world) or doing things that earn us praise.

Take that as a piece of information in your arsenal of knowledge.

UM

[Happylight]

Thank you for this insight...it does make sense. 

If anyone has experience with what a person goes through during the first month of sobriety, I would be interested in hearing experiences. He has spent a LOT of time playing video games.

He has traded one addiction (alcohol) for another (dopamine) via Videogames. Dopamine is also released when we do things for other people that are appreciated. Dopamine is the only Neurotransmitter that humans have figured out how to "hack" unlike Endorphines (coming from physical exercise/exertion) or Oxytocin (released when we have physical bodily contact like hugging). Dopamine is released with swiping on your phone, the short 20-second video clip, playing video games (getting lost in a virtual world) or doing things that earn us praise.

Take that as a piece of information in your arsenal of knowledge.

UM

Just a quick update.  He has spent most nights at home, but still withdrawn, playing video games, but also calm and kind when we interact most of the time.  It just seems like it is hard for him. 

He surprisingly asked me if I wanted to meet him for lunch tomorrow.  My guess is that he doesn't remember that tomorrow is Valentine's Day (we never really made a big deal out of it in the past either).   I am a teacher, so it doesn't usually work for my schedule to meet up, although we have done it on occasion pre crisis.  I told him I had a meeting at the original time he proposed, but said I could meet later and he agreed.  I am somewhat stressed about it.  Would he want to meet for lunch in order to give me unhappy news, or is this an attempt at reconnection?  I never would have thought him to be a guy that would meet me in a public place to give me bad news and then send me back to work, but there are lots of things that I had thought he would never do.  I guess I will find out tomorrow.  I took the afternoon off, just in case it goes South, but I didn't let him know that.

He seems to have now been sober about 6 weeks.  He has still not mentioned it at all, so I am not sure if this is temporary stop to drink or he means to not drink again.  He might not know right now.  I have refrained from bringing any alcohol into the house, and I have only had a couple of drinks while getting my nails done during that same time period. 

As I have said before since he has never really left, I have an up close view for the changes he's been through.  I do feel like he has moved out of replay--we are now past 2 years since the bomb drop that blew everything up, but 2.5 years past the bomb drop that he walked back, and almost 4 years since I started seeing signs of the crisis.  He is much more still and quiet.  He's sometimes irritable, but monster hasn't shown his face in over a year now, and he had been around for a good year to 18 months before the bomb. 

I am trying to stay balanced.  Do self care.  I am much more back on track and focused at work in general, but I am finding myself very tired lately.  I am trying to focus on self care, progressing on my piano playing, and starting a new crochet project. 

[Helpnewc]

The one thing I have learned is it is rarely as bad as we make it in our heads.

I suspect lunch will be ok.

[UrsaMajor]

The one thing I have learned is it is rarely as bad as we make it in our heads.

I suspect lunch will be ok.

Yep.... Once bitten, twice shy as the saying goes. We can become our own "Prophet of Doom" because we have been betrayed so badly so we are on guard and being to "expect" that things will go to Hades in a handbasket when we are dealing with the Mid-Lifer...

[Happylight]

The one thing I have learned is it is rarely as bad as we make it in our heads.

I suspect lunch will be ok.

You guys were right.  Lunch was fine.  I feel a little stiff with him because I really don't have any idea where he is mentally or emotionally right now.

Observations from the cheap seats....
 He continues to stay at the house about six nights a week. He goes to work and comes back home-nothing in between.  On weekends he doesn't go anywhere.  He continues to to be sober.  He plays video games, and stays up late most nights.  He seems withdrawn in terms of affection and his libido seems to have dropped off a cliff, but he is not cold or angry.  He is usually calm and sometimes seems far off, but will help with things that I ask for help with, and doesn't reject hugs or pats of affection. 

He continues to take a back seat with parenting although he connects with our youngest more frequently.  He seems to be giving our oldest two a lot more grace during discussions than he used to.  He will say things like they will get it figured out, or they may mess up, but we will just have to support them (which has usually been my stance), while he has usually been a lot more harsh.  I find that very interesting from a psychological perspective.  I was a kid who pretty much did "the right things." Was a pretty good student, was driven, participated in extra curriculars, stayed out of trouble, had a job, went to college, etc.  I had a few stumbles along the way of course, but he struggled a lot more on his teenage pathway and choices.  Our kids got his ADHD, and have struggled a lot more along the path of entering adulthood (we have a 21 year old and a current high school senior).  I wonder if he was judging them as himself, and now he is trying to give himself more grace and room to make mistakes (which I guess I have done for him).  He has also mentioned ways that he broke their trust in the past--like not showing up to performances or games (which was something that I had always emphasized as being important). 

He seems to be more focused on work and spending more hours working.  He is not a federal employee, but his work has been requiring more time spent in the office and not working remotely.  They have been pushing this for several months now, but for a while, he still would work part of his day remotely and then go into the office for a minimal amount of time.  During heavy replay, I was worried his job would be impacted because of his attitude and amount of time spent with other activities. 

He does not seem to be associated with the motorcycle club any longer.  He hasn't spoken of it in months, his motorcycle has mostly been in the garage for the last several months.  This is also interesting because he had actually been voted President of his chapter last year, and he previously had activities multiple times a week. 

As for me, I finished my 3rd big crocheted blanket for the year.  I also did a few scarves since picking this up a year ago.  I have struggled with some injuries due to working out --rotator cuff tear and tendinopathy in my hip and glute.   This has resulted in regaining about half the weight I had lost--which has been frustrating.  I had hoped cutting out alcohol would benefit me with weight loss, but it has not.  I continue to walk regularly (91 miles in January and 40 so far in February), stretch regularly, do bodyweight exercises and do rehab exercises for shoulder.  I have also continued to learn to play piano for the last two years.  I have used an app and a keyboard to learn, and am now moving on to pre-advanced.  Progress is a lot slower than it used to be, but I do enjoy it, and it is something I have wanted to learn most of my adult life.  I seem to be more focused and on track at work, but also at balance with work.  Previously I may have spent too many hours trying to do everything at work.  I am getting back to reading a bit.  For a while I was doing really well with cooking, but now I am struggling a bit to feel inspired to cook again.  I think some of that is just because I am still carrying a lot of the day to day tasks for the whole family as well as working, trying not to strangle my teenage and pre-teen daughters,  and trying to keep my own mental health together.   I really struggle with allowing myself to have "lazy time," and I find that it is worse when he is at the house all the time. 

I write some of these things in case others are seeing the same things, but also for me to go back and see where we were. 

[UrsaMajor]

Ah... Living with teenagers......

You can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either....

I have 2 at the moment when they come to me for their "dad weekends."

[Happylight]

Another month or so has gone by.  I am just so tired. My sleep has been better since starting HRT, but I seem to need more of it.  I have been reading lots about cortisol and stress and I wonder if my body is just exhausted from being under stress for so long at this point. 

More updates from the observational cheap seats....

We are now about 10 weeks sober.  He still hasn't said anything about it.  I have not quit drinking completely, but am only drinking occasionally in very limited amounts when he is not around.  As for being around--he has been at the RV about 1 night a week, but sometimes it is 10 days between the times he goes.  He as at home pretty much the rest of the time. He is calm, and a few times irritable, but nothing at all like the two years leading up to the bomb drop.  Sometimes, I am wondering if this was what he was like before this whole thing started and I just don't remember anymore, of if is he is just different now.   I keep wondering when/if he will decide that he doesn't need to keep the RV at the RV park (as opposed to storage) anymore.  I used to LOVE camping in the RV, but I don't feel like I could enjoy it for family vacations anymore, so I don't know what will happen with that in the future.  He still hasn't broken the silence, and has said even less over the last 10 weeks than he did over the past two years. I feel like it is possible we could be dealing with something referred to as PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome), which is a period of withdrawal after the acute symptoms have dissipated, but body hasn't returned to a normal baseline yet.  Symptoms include: Foggy thinking/trouble remembering, Urges and cravings, Irritability or hostility, Sleep disturbances—insomnia or vivid dreams, Fatigue, Issues with fine motor coordination, Stress sensitivity, Anxiety or panic, Depression, Lack of initiative, Impaired ability to focus, decreased libido, and Mood swings --MANY of these things overlap with MLC to begin with.  He has been playing his video game nonstop.   I did think he quit his motorcycle business because he hadn't done anything in months and he had been doing things with club continuously, but apparently he is still involved, just seems a lot less.

Even though he is basically living back at home, in many  ways he is still separate--like living parallel, and it doesn't feel like he is fully re-engaged, so I just keep giving him space, and trying to continue on with my life.

I keep going with work (STEM teacher), mom stuff, and trying to better myself (workouts, piano, crochet).  It's hard to do all that stuff and not be exhausted all the time.  During spring break I did a mini redo for my daughters' bathroom--painted cabinets, walls, doors, trim, added new cabinet hardware, deep cleaned, and organized drawers.  We also took a trip to Ikea and got some new yarn for some future projects. The weather has been gorgeous here and I have really enjoyed having the jeep top off--its a thing that really makes me happy!

[zartheit]

Who is this "we"?

I don't mean to come across as heartless, but I see a lot of predictions. For example, the location of the RV, and anticipated family vacations. This is on top of your adoption of the role of observational therapist. I imagine having a firm sense of knowledge feels empowering, but knowledge without action is a forgotten book, and the action necessary is entirely NOT yours to take.

I don't mean to chide you or even give you advice, but did want to note those aspects as they really stood out to me.

Another month or so has gone by.  I am just so tired. My sleep has been better since starting HRT, but I seem to need more of it.  I have been reading lots about cortisol and stress and I wonder if my body is just exhausted from being under stress for so long at this point. 

I can relate to that almost bottomless tired. I would only be able to sleep for a few restless hours a night, in between rounds of night sweats. It was insane I ever managed to do anything during the day.

During spring break I did a mini redo for my daughters' bathroom--painted cabinets, walls, doors, trim, added new cabinet hardware, deep cleaned, and organized drawers.  We also took a trip to Ikea and got some new yarn for some future projects.

And nice work improving the house! The satisfaction of boxchecking is always great, plus I imagine future you will be quite grateful for the upgrades.

The weather has been gorgeous here and I have really enjoyed having the jeep top off--its a thing that really makes me happy!

This is great. I also find myself rolling down the windows and bumping some tunes during the transition from winter to spring.