The one thing I have learned is it is rarely as bad as we make it in our heads.
I suspect lunch will be ok.
You guys were right. Lunch was fine. I feel a little stiff with him because I really don't have any idea where he is mentally or emotionally right now.
Observations from the cheap seats....
He continues to stay at the house about six nights a week. He goes to work and comes back home-nothing in between. On weekends he doesn't go anywhere. He continues to to be sober. He plays video games, and stays up late most nights. He seems withdrawn in terms of affection and his libido seems to have dropped off a cliff, but he is not cold or angry. He is usually calm and sometimes seems far off, but will help with things that I ask for help with, and doesn't reject hugs or pats of affection.
He continues to take a back seat with parenting although he connects with our youngest more frequently. He seems to be giving our oldest two a lot more grace during discussions than he used to. He will say things like they will get it figured out, or they may mess up, but we will just have to support them (which has usually been my stance), while he has usually been a lot more harsh. I find that very interesting from a psychological perspective. I was a kid who pretty much did "the right things." Was a pretty good student, was driven, participated in extra curriculars, stayed out of trouble, had a job, went to college, etc. I had a few stumbles along the way of course, but he struggled a lot more on his teenage pathway and choices. Our kids got his ADHD, and have struggled a lot more along the path of entering adulthood (we have a 21 year old and a current high school senior). I wonder if he was judging them as himself, and now he is trying to give himself more grace and room to make mistakes (which I guess I have done for him). He has also mentioned ways that he broke their trust in the past--like not showing up to performances or games (which was something that I had always emphasized as being important).
He seems to be more focused on work and spending more hours working. He is not a federal employee, but his work has been requiring more time spent in the office and not working remotely. They have been pushing this for several months now, but for a while, he still would work part of his day remotely and then go into the office for a minimal amount of time. During heavy replay, I was worried his job would be impacted because of his attitude and amount of time spent with other activities.
He does not seem to be associated with the motorcycle club any longer. He hasn't spoken of it in months, his motorcycle has mostly been in the garage for the last several months. This is also interesting because he had actually been voted President of his chapter last year, and he previously had activities multiple times a week.
As for me, I finished my 3rd big crocheted blanket for the year. I also did a few scarves since picking this up a year ago. I have struggled with some injuries due to working out --rotator cuff tear and tendinopathy in my hip and glute. This has resulted in regaining about half the weight I had lost--which has been frustrating. I had hoped cutting out alcohol would benefit me with weight loss, but it has not. I continue to walk regularly (91 miles in January and 40 so far in February), stretch regularly, do bodyweight exercises and do rehab exercises for shoulder. I have also continued to learn to play piano for the last two years. I have used an app and a keyboard to learn, and am now moving on to pre-advanced. Progress is a lot slower than it used to be, but I do enjoy it, and it is something I have wanted to learn most of my adult life. I seem to be more focused and on track at work, but also at balance with work. Previously I may have spent too many hours trying to do everything at work. I am getting back to reading a bit. For a while I was doing really well with cooking, but now I am struggling a bit to feel inspired to cook again. I think some of that is just because I am still carrying a lot of the day to day tasks for the whole family as well as working, trying not to strangle my teenage and pre-teen daughters, and trying to keep my own mental health together. I really struggle with allowing myself to have "lazy time," and I find that it is worse when he is at the house all the time.
I write some of these things in case others are seeing the same things, but also for me to go back and see where we were.
Whiplash from clinging boomerang
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