[Reinventing]

Songanddance, there was a female LBS who had a short name that started with an "E" who also reconciled. Her H returned in a relatively short period of time. It seems like she would have fallen between 2016 and 2022.

[FrenchHusband]

And I think there are far more female LBS's on HS than male too, at least it feels that way? Maybe a mod would know?

I will say around 10% - 20% are male overall. It looks to me the trend is more balanced in the last years.

In the stories I read, many are interrupted brutally. So I try to classify in 3 main groups : uncertain - divorced - under reconnection/regrets (last group includes reconciliation/rebuilding stories)

I don't take in account the stories that are "ongoing" like yours or mine, Biscuit, unless divorce papers signed or "recognized" Reconnection.

Partial results with 50 stories from 3longyrs to FacePalm
8 are "under reconnection"
21 are "uncertain"
20 are "divorced" (including 1 reconnected)
1 is dead (RIP  )

[WHY]

French are these 51 separate stories from 2016 over the 35 pages?  I thought there would be way more, maybe 100?

If so, 8/50 is what 15% reconnection rate.  Sounds higher than I thought?   And that excludes the men who may be reconnecting but don’t update?

[FrenchHusband]

French are these 51 separate stories from 2016 over the 35 pages?  I thought there would be way more, maybe 100?

If so, 8/50 is what 15% reconnection rate.  Sounds higher than I thought?   And that excludes the men who may be reconnecting but don’t update?

Actually I do not check the pages from a specific year, my entry point is the member list. I don't check the years, some stories are from 2010. I have done almost 25% of the total so at the end I expect around 200 stories with my criteria (male LBS, more than 10 posts, relevant story)

Yes it is right the reconnection rate is not taking into account the ones reconnecting but not updating, unless I have a hint that the reconnection has been done only 1 e.g. : bennhurr

[WHY]

Ooooh.  Yeah if the stories go back to 2010 then I’m not sure it’s gonna be a good reconnection rate at all….    I’m guessing the more recent ones will be so much lower dragging down the overall %. 

Thanks for doing the crunch.   It’s really interesting. 

[Songanddance]

And I think there are far more female LBS's on HS than male too, at least it feels that way? Maybe a mod would know?

Yes there are although the number of men signing up is growing. 

No matter how you look at the stats - the odds are clearly pretty low for reconciliation.

Not necessarily.  Many of the members on here stay for just a very short while preferring to go to other forums or websites. Hearts Blessing for example who did reconcile and posted on here then set up her own website. 

What I'm getting at is this:

Out of the 6006  signed up members of this forum
only 660 have posted more than 120 times.
 661- 1440 have posted more than 10 times and 
1441 -2071 have posted between 1 and 10 times. 

This leaves 3029 who have simply registered but not posted. So their stories will never be known.

Logically, we can assume that the 660 who have posted more than 120 times are the ones who will possibly have charted reconnection or reconciliation.

However a few of those 660 were asked to leave the site for breaking code of conduct, a few are no longer with us and a few were "done and divorced"  even before they registered.
Some have also gone on to newer and happier relationships and that's wonderful.

Here are another few that have dark purple and therefore considered reconciled:  Forever Standeer, Wondering, Patience, Crazy for Him, Hyperglad,Resilient, Evas, Mamma Bear (amazing threads), Marriage Recovery and Sassyone

So in total 32 reconciliation stories - even though there may have been more but they chose not to journal it.

So yes the odds of reconciliation are low - this forum doesn't ever pretend that they aren't.  However the chances of reconnection seem higher as there are quite a few light purples too.....

However if you want a good reconciliation story/ thread to connect to then I highly recommend Stayed.  She no longer posts and speaks from the hip but this is a really interesting thread. Happy reading!

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4955.0

[KayDee]

If you go to the old story threads, there used to be a way to select the pink and purple stories, like here

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?board=37.0;p=10

But after 2015, it seems like this function was removed.

In my early days, I confess to a lot of reading of people's stories. Wish I had kept notes for you Why because I was actually surprised by how many MLCr attempted a return or did indeed return. But then, we have no way of knowing the longevity and sustainability of these reconnections - as everyone has said. What I know is this - the crisis creates a lot of damage. Often, so much that the non-crisis spouse cannot move beyond it. Honestly, 18 months in, I think I am there. I suspect I am not alone. I used to think it was a bit of a platitude that the 'LBS gets to choose' now I know that is more likely true that not. If only there was some sort of Crisis Hut that the person in crisis could disappear to for the duration, you know, for damage limitation. But there isn't, and we get all kinds of hurt and abuse. OK, off my soapbox now...

Evas was the name someone was looking for I think.

[WHY]

100% agree.  The LBS is the one that chooses. 

It does seem though that the vast majority of MLCers do want to reconnect and possibly return.  I don’t have data.  Just a gut feel.  From the 3 people I’ve spoken to live and from Hearts Blessing and teachings here. 

But it seems like reconciliation rates are extremely low, 5-15% maybe, who knows. 

So if 90% of MLCers want to return but 10% reconcile.  That difference lies in the hands of the LBS.  And it’s clear that LBS in general decide to move on.

There are just so many things we don’t know about MLC.  I mean to me it’s a massive psychological event.   The MLC has psychosis and does not view the world around them for what it is.  They live in their own alternative version of reality.  That sounds like mental illness to me.

But my biggest question is why does it take so long to work through?  I mean sometimes 10 years???  That’s half the time a lot of us have been married.  I mean that’s crazy.   That not a “phase someone grows out of”.  That’s a rewiring of your entire brain and way of thinking overnight.   Why we don’t understand more about this event is beyond me

[KayDee]

Maybe it's like anything - we don't recognize it or understand it until it happens to us. My therapist knows about it. She doesn't exactly call it MLC, this is how she describes it 'H has spent all his life pushing down his trauma/shame/shadow that it is now seeping out of the sides and bubbling up over the lid'. She sees it regularly in her therapy room. She nodded along when I mentioned the rising up of the shadow, but she frames things around trauma and what has to be buried to survive. How people with childhood trauma have to adapt early on at the expense of their own needs. So I think all of this is actually known in therapeutic and medical spheres. When we don't deal with our past trauma, it will likely start spurting out all over the place. Especially when we haven't the coping skills acquired through stable parenting. This is also a 'known' - part of our maturation can get stunted at the point of trauma. AND we can regress to the point of trauma under extreme duress.

IMO, the timing of it is because at midlife, we experience a lot of pressure - aging parents, children going to college, empty nest etc - add to that our middle years can be our most successful if we have a career. So, we are busy, and under pressure.  Maybe yes, the reevaluation, the aging angst, but personally I think that is more part of a transition.

You are right, we are all right here on the forum, this is some sort of major psychological event. The duration of the crisis, I suggest, is due to how the person who experiences it manages it. Or not, as is often the case. It is a truism, that if we do the same things we get the same results. So, if someone is avoidant (which most MLCs are) then this is what they do - avoid. Only that is what led them to the crisis in the first place. Thus we can see why it takes time. How many times do we need to get hit on the head by a coconut before we move from under the tree that is giving us shade (this is a weird analogy, but it kinda works). Some people seem to add layer upon layer to their crisis. The damage keeps on growing and I guess that's why the refrain 'MLC gets worse before it gets better'.  It gets better when they/we don't want to get hit with the coconut anymore.

I've come to understand my H's crisis through the lens of bipolar. It really maps onto that condition at the moment. The high of replay activity, followed by the low when it all folds. It is somewhat helpful, but ultimately, giving something a name only takes us so far. I think we can all agree, some people fracture under the weight of life, and that time is often midlife.

[WHY]

I watched the finding never land documentary.   Both the guys that were abused went into meltdowns when their kids were born.  That was their trigger.

The one wife was saying her H was going out, partying, drinking, leaving his family.  She didn’t mention affair but given what I know, I’m pretty sure that was part of it.  He was high energy. 

The other guy withdrew.  Depression.  Low energy.  Both had an identity crisis. 


But they managed to work through their trauma and kept their marriages in tact.   It’s just made so much sense to me what they experienced.

You have this blueprint for life.  One day you wake up after a trigger and that blueprint no longer works.   You detonate.  And destroy everything around you.  LBS actually go through some seriously brutal trauma being the collateral damage.  Without ANY warning.    Not to mention the kids suffering. 

I hate MLC…