[xyzcf]

I am often dismissed by people who say I am being too nice and understanding about where my wife is and what she did. My mother so angry with her even though I explain MLC to her. But my never ending quest to understand things like this have led me to not be angry, just sad and sorry this happened. My wife was dealt a lot of band hands and also made some mistake that likely caused her MLC.

I wonder now if I will still be there for her when she comes out of her MLC (if she does). I am now but in 2-3 year, who knows.

Atari, the more I learned about MLC, the more patterns and similarities I saw, the easier it became to get out of the way and accept the way life had turned our for me. I have been very vocal expressing my views that they did not choose to have a crisis. Indeed, it is the worst pain I have ever experienced, his rejection, betrayal and abandonment but, once I found out about MLC (for I had absolutely no idea except for a vague term that mean buying a red sports car), things started to make sense.

Few of my family or friends understood. One verification for me has been in photos..because we do have contact and have always had over the years and his eyes are dead, his body language is like a corpse on steroids...there is such pain in him still, and because I love him, because of the connection that is still there after 15 years, I hope that one day he finds peace within himself..because I am not sure all that are in crisis do.

[WHY]

MLC50 - no offense intended and I didnt mean my comments to be so personal!  I was simply referring to common traits in the majority of MLCers we've seen here which I wrong assumed applied to you too.

And my thoughts come from a good place.  Trying to understand the "why" in things (look at my username haha). 

Why does MLC happen to certain people and not others.  It is such a massive, psychological event, a destroyed of worlds, that I just have to believe there is some underlying cause for it.  Because people dont just blow up their lives for no reason.  I wish I could just understand why.  And what causes this to happen.

[Dragonfly33]

Why, I’m on my  5th year now since BD. Through intensive therapy, I learned to understand that all those Whys will never be answered and I learned to accept it. In the beginning, like you I struggled to accept it and I was so obsessed getting my questions answered. As the years passed by, I realized it’s just the way it is. Some people go through midlife crisis and some don’t irregardless of their FOOs. I had a traumatic childhood, my parents leaving us but I didn’t go through midlife crisis. In fact it strengthened me as a person. I became very resilient. My xh had a happy stable family with stable parents and yet he went through the crisis. In my humble opinion, it’s useless trying to understand the cause because it doesn’t change your situation. We cannot influence them or convince them to see your point. This is something people have to go through. We have to accept that what we had before is gone. And we have to focus on our own healing. Thank you though midlifecrisis50 for sharing. A lot of the things you said were exactly what my xh said to me at the height of his mlc.

[WHY]

Agreed Dragon.  And just to clarify.  My need to understand the "why" comes from an altruistic place.  Because my stand is over.  But if somehow we could ever figure out why MLCers do what they do, then we could potentially help thousands of people.  And save tens of thousands of children from growing up in broken homes. 

For this reason alone.  I dont think we should ever stop asking "why". 

[midlifecrisis50]

WHY
MLC50 - no offense intended I actually hesitated for a while before posting that because I knew it looked like I was blowing some steam or smethng, which I really wasn’t. I just wanted to shed a little light. But sometimes, text can be monotone or even misleading as there is no verbal tone, facial expressions, or body language to go with it, which could be half the message. Soooo. Somethings get missed in translation. But we’re good 😊

I just hope it doesn’t stop anyone from shooting questions and spitting out theories. I am just as interested in what happened to me as you all are in what happened to your loved one. And the questions you all ask come from outside a MLCer whereas mine come from within. So it allows me to see differently if it wasn’t for this discussion. If that makes any sense. Like you said earlier, I am healing as we speak. And I AM!

I wish I could just understand why That has driven some people to insanity.

It’s extremely difficult to understand anything that doesn’t have a “cause”, especially for those of us that are analytical (which you seem to be). Certainly, there must be a cause, a reason. After all, nothing manifests out of thin air. Right? But maybe some things do. How do we wrap our heads around that? The idea that it IS possible for some things to manifests out of thin air for no reason is pretty scarry for that means we don’t have any control over anything in our world. That’s pretty scary. But being analytical myself, I do believe that there is a cause but it may be decades or even a century before we discover what that is.

I think we might be better served if we come at this from curiosity rather than need as we may never know, but it could be fun and interesting to ponder. Like the building of the ancient pyramids. We may never know how it was done but it is interesting and fun to ponder.

My need to understand the "why" comes from an altruistic place.  But if somehow we could ever figure out why MLCers do what they do, then we could potentially help thousands of people.  And save tens of thousands of children from growing up in broken homes. For this reason alone.  I dont think we should ever stop asking "why".
And I want to add, it's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. I had a MLC myself and I am curious about the "cause" as well as how we can avoid the destruction of whole families. So, I think we might have to get loud about this topic. If we get loud enough, it might one day force some funds to go into real scientific studies on it.

Dragonfly33
And we have to focus on our own healing. I couldn’t agree more. I think that is the best thing any of you can do for yourself, your MLC spouse, children, parents, and everyone else that' you are important to.

Atari25
I wonder now if I will still be there for my wife when she comes out of her MLC (if she does). I am now but in 2-3 year, who knows. The journey continues. Maybe you will be there for her, maybe not. It depends on your own journey and where that takes you. But after reading all the things you posted here, one thing’s for sure to me, you will still have a heart for her. She was a pretty lucky woman.

I know your journey has been kind of short (2-3 years) so far and you might still have quite a ways to go, but I really think based on your posts that you are processing in a pretty healthy way. Learning how to accept is so extremely hard, but that seems to be the path you chose anyway, even as hard as it is. The healing takes quite some time but I think that you really are doing everything that you can for all involved and everything that I believe you should do. Keep showing up for yourself like you have been, you’ll get there.

AlvinTheMaker
Having the experiences and tools you had from your past might explain why you were so aware during your MLC experience. It might. One thing I have learned here recently is that while nearly everything about me changed, there were a few things that didn’t. Very few. Like I was perfectly comfortable with putting up those vids and talking about my MLC. Most MLCers would NEVER do that. But that WAS something I would have done before hitting the wall. I don’t know why there were a few things that didn’t change when most did. EVERYONE in my life noticed the change in me. So this is curious to me and has had me thinking about it.

And maybe it was not psychological issues that caused MLC with you, but physical ones. That’s why I truly wonder if it’s a chemical in the brain that goes haywire. For me, It’s the only thing that makes sense. It simply didn’t make any sense to me, that I, of all people, would have one.

xyzcf
I hope that one day he finds peace within himself..because I am not sure all that are in crisis do. This is an anomaly. And it is very sad. Most of those who come out of their MLC are able to find peace even while accepting their wrongs. I guess we find a way to forgive ourselves.  Maybe the inability to find peace within themselves for those who come out of MLC might be a lack of that self-forgiveness. I am very grateful that I did find that peace. In that, I am able to help others through various things. A lot of MLCers turn to helping jobs or volunteering after coming out of it. Just helping in some way. I know I did. Maybe it's my way of giving some healing back to the world since I recognize that I caused some of its pain.

they did not choose to have a crisis. No siree, we did not! I was going along in my life, just minding my own business. Then, out of the blue, I was abducted. It was like in an instant, my life was gone along with my identity. It is so difficult to put in words. I sometimes wished I could put my family in my head so they could get it. So they could understand what it’s like to suddenly find yourself in a mind that wasn’t yours. So they could know that I wasn’t lying because, who can believe such a thing happens? Surely, I had to be lying. But I wasn’t.

It's also extremely difficult to get anyone to understand that you can’t stop it. I couldn’t stop it. I tried! Why would I want to blow up my world? I thought it was great! But as WHY pointed out earlier, even an act of God wasn’t going to stop me. No truer words have ever been spoken.

I spent a lot of time in the thick of it searching inside, looking for me. I didn’t find that person anywhere. She simply disappeared without a trace. We really don’t have any control. That is one of the things that disappears in the wind. It’s also one of the things that seems to be hardest for outsiders to understand. And I get it. I have always believed that behavior is a choice. And I still do to a degree…as long as the person is in their own mind. An MLCer is NOT.

[AlvinTheMaker]

And maybe it was not psychological issues that caused MLC with you, but physical ones. That’s why I truly wonder if it’s a chemical in the brain that goes haywire. For me, It’s the only thing that makes sense. It simply didn’t make any sense to me, that I, of all people, would have one.

Medical history has got plenty of bizarre stories on how even small things, like infected tooth or dietary changes, might change persons behaviour overnight. So it body bizarre literally.

As far as "hunting for why" goes I have personally reached acceptance with belief that there are as many reasons (physical or other) as there are people. So I no longer have the need to travel down the rabbit hole for reasons other than personal education and curiosity.

My personal opinion is that the only "prevention" advice is learning to take good care of oneself - physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. And being educadet. It's not gonna prevent life happening, but it can help overcome crisis with lesser damage. It's not only the MLCr that makes mistakes, but also the LBS.

What I do find interesting is that MLC/LBS are often two sides of a coin. The MLC journey usually kicks of with physical and emotional changes, and only later they dive into spiritual and intellectual aspects. With LBS the order is often reversed. Maybe it is mother nature telling us something, maybe we are not just seeing the silent transitions, maybe it's about the transition source being internal/external.... Likely all are in the mix, LOL.

Just my 5 cents worth,

Alvin

[OffRoad]

This has been so fascinating. Thank you so much, mlc50. And everyone else, too because most of my wonderings have already been answered.

I do have one maybe multi layered question. The feeling of being consumed or obliterated or like a person would die if they did not leave. I have heard this from several people who had an mlc. This absolute NEED to escape. But no one has ever been able to tell my what that need stems from, just that they must leave. The situation, the area, the life as it is, etc. I'd like to know where that need comes from. Like, was there something in life that you thought was missed out on, some reminder that you didn't know how to deal with, some reason you felt like your environment was going to destroy you. As if you absolutely could not stay and fight it off or keep it from happening. In my mind, it's like having to rip off a plastic bag that blew onto your face and for that time you were going to die until you got it off.

Have you any idea of what made you feel like you would be consumed or obliterated? In fact  it almost sounds like something within you intentionally did just that. Consumed the old you to create a new you. (If I got the exact words wrong, I apologize. It's the impression I got from your writings)

[KayDee]

And maybe it was not psychological issues that caused MLC with you, but physical ones. That’s why I truly wonder if it’s a chemical in the brain that goes haywire. For me, It’s the only thing that makes sense. It simply didn’t make any sense to me, that I, of all people, would have one.

When I was about 24, I was hit very suddenly with depression. It was like a flip of a switch. I had no previous history or had it since. The form this depression took was a very morbid and fatalistic view on the world. I became preoccupied with death and most things in my life seemed pointless. Although, a strange manifestation was that I got fixated on things happening to my loved ones, so I would do things like drive hundreds of miles to pick up my boyfriend, as I feared something would happen to him while traveling to visit me. One example. What I can say about this depression is that it's as if a new lens was put on my perception sensor. I saw everything differently. I didn't seek help because I didn't think anyone could change my view, or the way I felt. Fortunately for me, this lasted a relatively short time, less than a year. I think it slowly waned until one day I didn't feel it anymore. What is interesting for me is that this 'flip' it happened when I was at the tail end of a really bad virus (a cold or flu), and I've always associated this depression with that virus. Years later, I was reminded of it again, reading that Covid can attack the brain, and can be the  actual physical cause of depression. I'm sharing this, not as an MLC theory - far from it - but it was the first thing that struck me when I read your story - the sudden 'hitting of a wall', I really understood it. My personality did not change massively, but my view on the world certainly did. I was convinced that was the only view at the time. For a very long time after, I feared this depression would return and endure.

[midlifecrisis50]

AlvinTheMaker
My personal opinion is that the only "prevention" advice is learning to take good care of oneself…And being educated. It's not gonna prevent life happening, but it can help overcome crisis with lesser damage. I think that’s the best we can do, take care of ourselves then trust the process. Yes, life happens but it is easier to deal with life on life’s terms if we have the right tools, our good health all the way around.

KayDee
I'm sharing this, not as an MLC theory - far from it - but it was the first thing that struck me when I read your story - the sudden 'hitting of a wall', I really understood it. My personality did not change massively, but my view on the world certainly did. I was convinced that was the only view at the time. For a very long time after, I feared this depression would return and endure. As I read your post I thought maybe you had what is termed as the “quarter-life crisis.” IDK how long those last. I only learned about this while posting my vids. A few people reached out to me who were confused as they were able to relate to much of my story but they were only in their 20s. Just a thought. Personally, I think if you had some intuition that the illness had something to do with it, then there’s a good chance it did.

I didn’t have any illness that I was aware of for at least a year before hitting the wall. But I had been struggling with severe sleep issues for a couple of months prior and until shortly after I got to Florida. Those dang peacocks MADE SURE I woke up every morning! 

OffRoad
Have you any idea of what made you feel like you would be consumed or obliterated? I really don’t know where that fear came from. It’s like it appeared from thin air. I didn’t question why I felt that way at the time, I just had to act on it. Looking back, I still don’t know where that comes from. If it was a case of needing to get away from my family, then why the whole state?

A lot of the internal questioning comes only after the change. I think it may be because we don’t know who this “new” person is now. We ask questions like, “Why would I have done that? Why was that important to me?” (I even say this in at least one of my earlier vids) and “Why am I here? What am I doing?” This is also when we look at our old dreams and lament that we didn’t chase them. “Why didn’t we?” We question all our decisions, especially major ones like career, marriage, children, college. So I don’t think these things CAUSE, but rather, are CAUSED BY, the internal change.

It’s like the whole person was literally swapped out for another. I think that’s why we question everything, because this person doesn’t know the old one. Memories are there but no attachment to them. This is kind of like watching only parts of a movie of the life of the old person without knowing anything about emotional attachment then stepping into the body. So much is unknown which causes so many questions!

In fact  it almost sounds like something within you intentionally did just that. Consumed the old you to create a new you. The psyche is an amazing thing. It can work in the craziest ways. And it’s #1 priority seems to be the preservation of self, survival. I sometimes wonder if it was my psyche (something inside me) that “evicted” the old resident to propel it (psyche) to where it should be? If it was intentional, it didn’t knowingly come from the person I was. But yea, the old me was consumed to forge a new person. But from what? We know very about our subconscious mind. It very well could have come from that place.

[Biscuit]

MLC50, thank you for all your posts, I know you're helping a lot of people here understand better what their loved ones are going through. That understanding, I think, draws compassion for our spouses situation and also helps us LBS's process what has happened to us.

I have a question for you about how you felt about your family as you came out of your MLC. Me and my eldest child have tried to be there for my W throughout, non judgemental and just letting her do her thing and stepping back. Is that the right approach in your opinion? I'm not sure how you viewed your children through MLC  and as you come out of it but is there any more we could do for her apart from stepping back and giving her space to do her own thing? Would you have appreciated your kids support or viewed their concern as a another pressure?