[midlifecrisis50]

It seems that I didn't journal through my midlife crisis like I had done all my life. But I did find a few random notes of what I was feeling or thinking in a document I kept for my Channel. There are only a few short notes but I'll share them with you all:

I just don’t want to be found by anyone sometimes.

My emotional experiences-Feeling flat except driving from NY to Florida even though I didn’t have any expectations.

I still sometimes feel like I’m just going through the motions.

NONCONFORMIST IN a MIDLIFE CRISIS!- I think that a midlife crisis causes us to stop conforming. Not only do I want to stop conforming to the expectations of my family and friends, but I want to stop conforming to society altogether! How can I become a nonconformist without going to prison?

HOW DO I GET OFF THE GRID? How do I get off the grid and still be able to live in a city? I don’t want to become a nomad in the wilderness but I want to get off the grid! I already drastically changed my life because of this midlife crisis but it seems that isn’t enough. I just don’t want to live my life in a way that society dictates anymore.

I WANT TO DIE BUT NOT REALLY- A midlife crisis feeling. I don’t really want to die; I just want the world to think I did so I can fly without anyone holding me back.

I WANT TO BLOW THINGS UP! - In a midlife crisis, we feel the need for some drastic change or for some excitement in our lives. Something that will shake us. Maybe even to our core. I think blowing something up would satisfy that desire for excitement! I really want to blow something up!

FEELING TRAPPED! Could this feeling trapped be a cause of a midlife crisis or caused by it? Does it trigger a midlife crisis or does a midlife crisis trigger feeling trapped? Is feeling trapped or in a prison a major reason we make drastic changes even though we know we will lose something big that we have worked our whole life for?

[sachertorte]

Thank you so much midlifecrisis50 for answering my question. It's so incredibly generous of you and helps me a lot.

These notes you jotted down while in MLC are very illuminating for me to read. I came across this account from a man years ago. I hope you don't mind my sharing them, since I seem to spot some parallels, even though of course everyone's experience differs.

***
I don't know why I'm writing this. Not for sympathy. Random thoughts from a midlife cricer? I don't know...
Almost a year ago now I woke up felling strange. Something I've never felt before. Like depression mixed with uncertainty wrapped in a knot in my stomach. I brushed it off and went about my
 day. Little did I know that life would never be the same again from that moment on.
I started doing weired things. Stuff I'd never done before. Allwith a sense or urgency that rushed me to get them started. Hair plugs, new truck, working out, wanting to leave NOW! Leave! Leave! Hurry!!!
I remember looking on the internet for something to explain my feelings and actions. I looked for male menopause, cancer, brain tumor, etc. I ran across an article on WebMD that dropped me into a fetal position uncontrollably sobbing like a baby. Midlife crisis!! Thank God I wasn't loosing my mind. There's a title for this madness. I'll just take something and be done with it! WRONG!!!

I started systematically ripping my family apart. Finding anything to justify anger. The people I once cherished and protected were victims of my wrath. They trusted me! I can only imagine how they felt when I did something only their enemy could have done. Man that hurts.... They trusted me. Leave! Hurry!!!

And then there's calm...

I see myself in the mirror when I'm raging and I look like a demon. My eyes are black like one big pupil. I don't know that person. I don't like that person.

This happens very subtly. In the beginning you fight against things that now have been embedded as truth. Thoughts enter your mind as impossible. Then you find yourself doing them months later. And you've justified your every move. At first you scold your mind for telling you to "just look into something". Months later you're doing that with ease. It's like seeds planted and sprouting.

And then there's calm...

You wanna know what hurts the worst? You'd think it was the fact that you've lost the people you've loved. You'd think it was because you've ruined yours and their lives. It's not. What will make you contemplate suicide is seeing their faces in pictures when they were your family. You see them trusting and loving the old you. Man that hurts!
What's up with the spelling of words in your head? Say a sentence in your head and then spell out an arbitrary word. Like this: "I really like Starbucks coffee." "s-t-a-r-b-u-c-k-s". It'll drive you nuts! Maybe it's a clue.

I've fought every aspect of this as hard as I could. I've lasted longer that most of the guys in the group. It took me almost a year to call another woman when they did it in the first few months. I guess I'm "better" than them.

There are four days of calm for every sixteen days of anger. That's an average I've noticed. And all it takes is the slightest confrontation to set it off. Do the math and you'll get a feel for how my poor family lived.

And then there's calm...

I didn't ask for this. I didn't wake up one day with aspirations of ripping my family apart!

I've reached the level of anger recently that had me envision what I was about to do. Like a third person view off my actions. I proceeded to accomplish my thoughts only to catch myself at the last second and do something else just as vicious. I sometimes think that's what it set me about to do in the first place but knew I had to be tricked. I would have never thought of that. One things for certain - This was D-Day. The day that it really ended and I graduated to the next level with honors.

Here I am now. I'd like to think that I've sunk to the bottom and the only way now is up. But I've been here before. It'll get deeper. One things for sure, I hurt my wife and child more than I ever imagined I could. More than I can stand anymore. But I can't end it here. I'll have to watch as they suffer now. It's unbearable!

I know this for sure. 100% of the men that go through this do recover. The men I personally spoke to that have went through this say the first year is the worst. You start to see daylight at a 18 months and can live fairly normal after two years. TWO YEARS!!!!

I'll heal. Eventually. I'd like to think I'm better that the others and can get "normal" faster than the average man. I don't know. I'll keep trying. I've probably lost my mind and I'm the only person that doesn't know it. I wonder if crazy people can tell their crazy?

And then there's calm...

I thought people knew me. I've learned that, with some, it was no problem forgetting everything I've done and begin hating me. I understand though.

You think there's pleasure in ripping the heart out of the person you've sworn to love, honor and protect!!!? You think there's comfort in hearing your son say "don't talk to me anymore"!!!? Let me tell you something - I'm in the fetal position while everyone thinks I'm chasing wh*r^s and having fun. It's madness!!!

Please stop! I can't take any more! My words don't even mean anything! LIAR! LIAR! CHEATER!!!!! Please stop... Dear God make it stop!

As of this day I have never touched another woman. I can't bring myself to that level. I know everyone doesn't believe that but it's true. It's probably just a matter of time. I'll keep fighting because I'm afraid of what's behind the next door if go there. Total implosion? Drugs? Disease? Living on the street? I need sit still and let some time pass now.

All I can do is work now. I can't hurt anyone or do anything stupid where I'm at. I need to put some time between then and me. That's all I can do now besides watch it explode.

I know I'm in here somewhere. I feel the old me from time to time. Soon I'll grab hold of him and have him pull me out. He just won't get close enough. Maybe later?

I'M SO SORRY!!

I'M SO SORRY!!

I'M SO SORRY!!

I'M SO SORRY!!

I'M SO FREAKING SORRY!!

You wake up everyday having to really think about how you left off the night before. I think that's because your old mind wants it to be a dream.

How's my son going to learn to be a man if I'm not there to teach him!!???

t-e-a-c-h

[midlifecrisis50]

sachertorte
There are such parallels! OMG, I can see in his mind. The tornado that rips through it! What chaos! This brought me to tears, I can feel his pain.

"I woke up felling strange. Something I've never felt before."
Most of the MLCers I communicated with said they just woke up one day a different person. One even left that in a comment on one of my vids. It struck me as curious as I was awake for it, it happened at 2 AM. No one else had a time on it because they were all sleeping at 2 AM the night it hit them. I seriously wondered for months if this "thing" comes and takes us all over at 2 AM.

"I started doing weired things. Stuff I'd never done before. All with a sense or urgency that rushed me to get them started."
"In the beginning you fight against things that now have been embedded as truth."
"I didn't ask for this. I didn't wake up one day with aspirations of ripping my family apart!"
"I'd like to think I'm better than the others and can get "normal" faster than the average"
"You think there's comfort in hearing your son [daughter] say "don't [ever] talk to me anymore"!!!?"
"I think that's because your old mind wants it to be a dream."

Thank you so much for sharing this with me!!!

[sachertorte]

Thank YOU for everything. You have been an act of grace.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Treasur
Did you hurt people who cared about you or were invested with you? I didn’t hurt anyone intentionally.

I think this here applies to most people, even MLCrs.

Not sure if you have familiarized with Freud's theory about ego, superego, and id....  But you might find it useful (such as having terminology or "names") when trying to analyze what happened.

In normal life there is balance between the three, but during crisis one often takes control. MLCr driven by the id may see LBS as overly rigid or controlling, while the LBS driven by the superego may see MLCr as irresponsible or selfish... Just one way of looking at things.

Alvin

[WHY]

I think the pain towards the LBS is way more complicated and has something to do with the MLCer getting their narcissistic supply. 

The pain and trauma inflicted is just so completely out of proportion to rationalize anything else.   

[Atari25]

Did you hurt people who cared about you or were invested with you?
I didn’t hurt anyone intentionally. And I only know that some of my behavior hurt them because they told me.
I didn’t understand while in my MLC.
That understanding only came to me after coming out of it, when I was able to feel, use retrospection, and empathize.

If by learning about MLC, the LBSer is able to understand the "pathology" it may make it easier to let go and heal.

Many MLCers have also said they do not remember things that happened while they were in crisis. A "fog" so to speak.

I am of the opinion that  many do not purposely do things to hurt us. It seems counterintuitive, because the things they do hurt us immensely. And there are some perhaps who are really nasty and abusive.

My perception is they want to go, they need to go or they will die..and we are in their way, because we cannot go along for the ride. They don't feel much of anything, they have no empathy for our plight and we take that personally...how can we not?

But, placing "blame" on someone in a crisis puts us at risk of never fully accepting that what happened really was not their fault, nor ours. It would have happened regardless who they had married...that was key to me......and of course, not all MLC occurs in married people.

Thanks again for sharing your insight. I know it will be helpful to everyone who has gone this way...looking back, it was so confusing...how could this be? How could this happen? So many questions and no answers. Your insight gives us some answers.

Well said - I do wonder though if my wife's mother didn't pass away and her business didn't die during covid if things would be different. Will never know of course.

Atari25
Did you have sleeping issues or wake up from dreams /nightmares regularly during your MLC? I didn’t have dreams (that I recall) but my sleep went haywire about 6-8 weeks prior to hitting the wall. That persisted every night until a couple of weeks after I got to Floria. Not being to go to sleep, not sleeping long enough (2-3 hours in a night), sleeping too long, and not feeling rested when I woke up. I attributed that to winter blues but clearly, something else was a brew.Have you seen a doctor about your sleep disturbances? You really have to get a good night’s sleep, even if just a few times a week.

I do sleep but I wake up at least once a night from the dreams. I usually fall asleep again in 20-30 minutes but sometimes like Friday, I'm completely freaked out from the dream and I have to read or something to clear my mind.

I often wonder how my wife sleeps these days. She was a very poor sleeper before she left. Wonder if she dreams of us, the family. She seems so detached. Thanks for the post.

[Atari25]

It seems that I didn't journal through my midlife crisis like I had done all my life. But I did find a few random notes of what I was feeling or thinking in a document I kept for my Channel. There are only a few short notes but I'll share them with you all:

I just don’t want to be found by anyone sometimes.

My emotional experiences-Feeling flat except driving from NY to Florida even though I didn’t have any expectations.

I still sometimes feel like I’m just going through the motions.

NONCONFORMIST IN a MIDLIFE CRISIS!- I think that a midlife crisis causes us to stop conforming. Not only do I want to stop conforming to the expectations of my family and friends, but I want to stop conforming to society altogether! How can I become a nonconformist without going to prison?

HOW DO I GET OFF THE GRID? How do I get off the grid and still be able to live in a city? I don’t want to become a nomad in the wilderness but I want to get off the grid! I already drastically changed my life because of this midlife crisis but it seems that isn’t enough. I just don’t want to live my life in a way that society dictates anymore.

I WANT TO DIE BUT NOT REALLY- A midlife crisis feeling. I don’t really want to die; I just want the world to think I did so I can fly without anyone holding me back.

I WANT TO BLOW THINGS UP! - In a midlife crisis, we feel the need for some drastic change or for some excitement in our lives. Something that will shake us. Maybe even to our core. I think blowing something up would satisfy that desire for excitement! I really want to blow something up!

FEELING TRAPPED! Could this feeling trapped be a cause of a midlife crisis or caused by it? Does it trigger a midlife crisis or does a midlife crisis trigger feeling trapped? Is feeling trapped or in a prison a major reason we make drastic changes even though we know we will lose something big that we have worked our whole life for?

All very interesting. My wife used words like free, freedom and smothering many times. If I was nice to her or brought her some flowers or a nice desert for later I was "smothering" her. It's hurt me a lot but I slowly realized I could not make her happy anymore. She was in another world. She blew everything up and said to my daughter that "she had screwed everything up and everything was a disaster". When she left it was like a stake in my heart but she had to leave and it was a relief when she was gone.

[WHY]

MLC50 - have you ever thought of making a final video with “what I learned” through my MLC?   I think it will be very interesting to LBS (and maybe MLCers who knows), to have the whole timeline of vids. Vids showing you deep inside the funnel.  And vids when you came out on the other end. 

[midlifecrisis50]

MLC50 - have you ever thought of making a final video with “what I learned” through my MLC?   I think it will be very interesting to LBS (and maybe MLCers who knows), to have the whole timeline of vids. Vids showing you deep inside the funnel.  And vids when you came out on the other end. 

I'll tell ya, you all have had me thinking about it here recently. I almost did one day then I got my head into work and there I was for 15 hours. 

It would have to be more than 1 vid for what I learned! I'm pretty sure those currently in a MLC would find it useful too, I know I would have.

One format I was thinking about was a Q & A from LBS to a recovered MLCer. I now have plenty of content for that 

I also was thinking of one encouraging a MLCer that it really does get better. I met someone some years after she came out of her MLC and that was one of the first things she said to me when she learned I was having one at the time. I really needed to hear that as I was giving up hope of coming out of it.