[midlifecrisis50]

marvin4242
As they say there are as many stories of MLC as there are people. While there are many overlapping things with most or even all MLC, indeed the story of each MLCer is their own. How we navigate it will look different.

AlvinTheMaker
Many LBS must undergo moments where common happy past (say 10-20 years of loving marriage) is blasted to oblivion (we never had loving or joyful moments) regardless of physical proof (photos, letters, families etc). What's your personal take on this "memory loss"? Between the detachment and the jumbled mess now in our heads, this will affect how we view our past. Aside from denial, which many MLCers use, we view our past, our memories, differently than we did before hitting that wall. I had the memories, the pictures were in my mind, but I somehow didn’t relate that to a life that I had actually lived. I couldn’t remember how those things felt, I couldn’t FEEL those memories. Like they were the memories of someone else. This puts a lot of distance between yourself and those memories, including the people in them. I think because I didn’t go into denial, I was able to admit, to know, that I was pretty happy in my life before I hit the MLC but I couldn’t attach to that, I couldn’t FEEL it. I tried. I just couldn’t understand why I had been happy in that life. For a couple of years or so, I just couldn’t understand happiness. That was part of that jumbled mess in my head.

At the end of the day, you are either dealing with that "jumbled mess" in their head or their denial, neither of which you can win.

Did you deny your past, and if so did people around you try to share positive memories and experiences from the past that highlighted your former emotions, traits or behaviors. I don’t remember anything specific being pointed out to me by anyone. I just remember being told that I was different, they didn’t know me anymore, and general things like that. Now, just because I don’t remember anything specific being pointed out to me, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Perhaps there was some things and I shifted it in my mind as something more general.

WHY
But the way you spoke about your own kids.  And how you would be prepared to move on without them in your life.  For that level of detachment between a mother and her kids....  MLC must be such a massive psychological event to create this detachment.  Us LBS dont stand a chance. Ya! They were my LIFE! My reason for breathing! My greatest joy, even when they were being a pain in the back end. I could never imagine my life without them. I told them for many years that they can never move out or that I would buy the houses on either side of mine and I would allow them to move there. I can’t wrap my head around the idea of how detached I was, especially with them.

I think you're right, the LBS don’t stand a chance. You were together how long? A decade? Two decades? More? Then YOU certainly were their life too. You were the one they CHOSE to go through life with, the one they TRUSTED with all aspects of their life. The one they WANTED. You were that important to them. But that detachment…changes everything. It’s like going from full to overflow to completely empty.

That’s why the LBS need to do their own healing and find a way to live their life in a way that is comfortable to them and brings them joy. You can’t change them, you can’t change what happened, but you can heal yourself and your life. I believe that's where the focus should be and does the most good in this world.

I think the vast majority of MLCers flat out deny it and 100% think there is absolutely nothing wrong with them. I didn’t think there was anything “wrong” with me, I knew I changed but I would say, “I’m not crazy”, “I didn’t loose it” Nope, there was nothing wrong with me. When I watch my vids now, I sometimes wonder how could I say that or how could I have believed that?

There are many MLCers that don’t deny something happened or that something inside changed. If they deny to others, then they are in denial inside too. Who wants to admit the person they knew themselves to be their whole life is suddenly gone, without a trace? Denial is a defense mechanism many use perhaps because it is almost impossible to reconcile what happened.

And for those of us that do not go into denial, we know we changed but we really don’t know to what degree as we have little to no attachment to the person we were before. Our memory of that person is skewed. “I put up with a lot of sh*t from others before my MLC that I won’t now in my MLC”. But did I really put up with a lot of sh*t from others before my MLC? Looking back now, I can say no I didn’t. Those memories were very skewed.

It didnt sound from your vids that anyone or anything or any act of god would have changed your chosen path.  You were going to do what you were going to do. This is a bit amusing to me because how my idea of God changed. There were several big things that came up the month I was getting ready to leave. Prior to MLC, I would have seen that as God telling me to NOT leave and I would have stayed, I would have trusted in God and somehow made it work. But in my MLC, I saw those wrenches in my plans as God asking me, “are you sure?”. This was a massive change for me. This was one of the things my family pointed out to me.

Given how self aware you were, do you think other MLCers could benefit from talking to you while in their crisis? Maybe to the degree that there are others out there who understand what just happened to them and can validate their experience. It may also help them to put their finger on what happened to them and be able to put their experience in words. Perhaps the stigma of a MLC or something happening to them at this point in life will lighten up too. But I’m sure that if I tried to get them to see the hurt they are causing, they would count me as an enemy. The focus would have to stay on them considering the detachment going on inside.

But do you think MLCers could be taught to understand that the LBS is not satan and that there is a way for them to go on their path without inflicting maximum torture and pain?  I really do not understand the need to twist the knife when the LBS is already decimated. The first thing I want to say here is that in my MLC, I couldn’t understand other people’s pain, including my family and even my kids, although I did before and since coming out of it, I just couldn’t while I was in it. So the hurt I inflicted, didn’t mean much to me at that time in my life. I didn’t think what I was doing or saying was hurtful, I couldn’t understand it. I don’t think that someone who is so detached can be taught empathy, an understanding of feelings is needed for empathy and since we are so flat or numb, we can’t understand those feelings.

There is a lot of irritation and even anger in a MLC. I didn’t know at the time that I had directed any anger at my family. I knew they irritated me at times and I reacted to that with them. Coming out of my MLC and looking back, the things they said or did wasn’t something that would bother me prior, nor would I have reacted in irritation the way I did in my MLC.

Certainly, I had been irritated at times through the years but the way I handled it was vastly different in my MLC. I couldn’t understand why they would get so hurt but I do now. OMG!! I would never have believed in my life that I could be so distant and cold. But there it was. I knew I was different but I am amazed at just how different I was.

At about 1.44 minutes into this vid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u05OG2ipI88 , I mention…for the first time at about 2 years in…the guilt associated with MLC because the things that were once very important to us change. I said that the only things that were important to me at the time I hit my MLC was my kids and surviving. Make no mistake, between the two, surviving took precedence for me. But somehow, my dad wasn’t important to me. WTF? That was MY DAD! Why wasn’t he important anymore? Why weren’t my sisters important to me anymore? And the list goes on.

The MLCer, who probably would NEVER admit it, has a lot of guilt. One defense mechanism for this unwanted feeling is projection. To relieve them from that feeling of guilt, they will throw blame. If they are feeling guilty for hurting YOU, then YOU are the one that gets that blame, you are the target. I think the only thing that could change that is introspection and acceptance of ones wrong. I don’t think that is possible in a MLC.

Perhaps if this phenomenon was more well known and accepted as a real thing that happens to some people, the MLCer might handle it differently. For many things, education is key. I think that’s the case for MLC but there is still so little known about it.

FrenchHusband
And in the world where we live, a lot of people are benefitting from MLC : lawyers, real estate agencies, salesmen, seduction coaches, fortunetellers, healers...  There are even salesmen who are trained to recognize people under MLC and take advantage from it. That last one disgusts me! It’s like being trained to help someone destroy the lives of their spouse and children just to turn a buck. WTF!

On the other side, we have the rising cost of healthcare due to so many people needing therapy not to mention how it affects the physical health of the spouses and kids. And let’s not forget the bankruptcies caused by the reckless spending in a MLC.

Policy makers look at the overall economic impact and like you said, a boatload of money gets circulated from MLC, so where is the incentive to change it? SMH.

Regarding chemical imbalance, I am not sure that I would like a world where we prevent or fix human behaviour with drugs (not what you write). There are already a lot of "happiness pills". When I think about teenage crisis (my best analogy), thanks God for the main cases it is not "fixed" by medicinal products : teenagers have to "go through". And yes, professional acknowledgement would help a lot ! Even without fixing it with medication (which I know I would have flat out refused in my MLC), if you were told that your spouse suddenly had a chemical flip in their brain, it would be much easier to see that it wasn’t anything you said or did and that you can’t fix or help them. The whole experience might still be as painful, but you won’t have that self-blame that I know so many LBS have. Plus, it might be sooner for you to get on a healing path, knowing that you can’t do anything about a chemical imbalance.

For those of us in it, we could at least know “why a MLC happened to me”. That was a question of mine, why me? Also, maybe how we handle it might be different, maybe not. But there is always that chance.


I have to forever believe that something somehow could change, that there might be a way for people to get through a MLC without causing so much destruction in their wake.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Just curious, did you get yourself a new home, new job, travel to new places etc after MLC kicked in? Or did you stay in your  previous lifestyle? And again, was there any special reason behind it all.

In this forum (and IIRC on few others) there is a split between stay-at-home MLCr, low-energy wallower,and high-energy runner. Some progress through all types, some stay the same from start to end.

Alvin

[WHY]

Thank you MLC50.  I think you're incredibly brave for posting all this and helping us LBS.  We sincerely appreciate it. 

The founder of this forum, RollerCoasterRider, has a blog which is a survival guide for LBS.  You may find some of the info helpful.
https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

I'm also curious about Alvin's question.  After about 6-9 months post bomb drop, our MLCers settle into two different "energy patterns".  High energy replayer, or low energy wallower.  Where do you think you landed and did you notice a change after about 9 months?

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/2012/04/16/low-energy-wallow-lifes-pity-party/
https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation_replay.html

[WHY]

Gosh I'm sending you down a rabbit hole with all this info!  I've spent HUNDREDS of hours combing through all of it.

Hearts Blessing, another LBS, who had a MLT herself, wrote what us LBS consider the bible on MLC.  I had to strip out her religious views and focus on the underlying, but it's extremely valuable info for those searching for answers.  I wonder if this info is helpful to you or your family at this point?

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/sitemap/

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-six-stages-of-a-mid-life-crisis/

[WHY]

And here's one more, the "Shocksis" thread.  A recovered MLCer that was kind enough to post about her experience on Hero Spouse.

Her writings are in blue font for easier navigation:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10914.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=profile;u=8113;area=showposts;start=675

[midlifecrisis50]

Just curious, did you get yourself a new home, new job, travel to new places etc after MLC kicked in? Or did you stay in your  previous lifestyle? And again, was there any special reason behind it all.

In this forum (and IIRC on few others) there is a split between stay-at-home MLCr, low-energy wallower,and high-energy runner. Some progress through all types, some stay the same from start to end.

Just curious, did you get yourself a new home, new job, travel to new places etc after MLC kicked in? Or did you stay in your previous lifestyle? And again, was there any special reason behind it all. I have a video of comparing my two lives, before MLC and while I was in it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJzpih-H0x8 There was absolutely no way I could have stayed in the lifestyle I had before MLC! That would have been a fate worse than death to me. I was quite domesticated before, happy to be in the same home for many years and taking care of that home. After hitting my MLC? NO WAY! I was NOT domesticated any longer. The idea of staying in one place forever took my breath away. Why would I choose to spend my time doing yard work? Home maintenance and repairs? Or anything that I considered as sucking my energy and depleting me of life.

I took off, I left the state. I went to Florida with no plans as to how long I might stay. I rented a room from my aunt who insisted I come here when she learned I hit a MLC. But I did have to generate some money to go beyond since I gave away all but $1,000, so a job was in order.

I thought I would spend about 2-3 years working and saving, then stop by California to see what they have going on out there, then take off to Africa. That was what I thought I would do. Why Africa? IDK, I thought I could spread a little joy over there, I thought they needed it. I talked about going to Africa quite a bit for the first year or two. Everyone in my circle, old and new, knew about the Africa thing, lol

In that vid, I said that I was starting to make plans for my future and staying still is not my plans for the future. But as time passed, I began to settle down a little. THANK GOD!

As it turns out, I’m still in Florida with my aunt. The person who validated me and helped me through my MLC I am now helping through the difficulties that come with aging, like a hip replacement and diminishing memory (not to mention the simpler things like changing light bulbs she can no longer change herself and bending down to get something for her so she doesn’t flare up her arthritis in her back). I’m here for her. She doesn’t want to ever go into a nursing home and as long as I can keep her happy and safe, she won’t. And this is the reason I am still here in Florida. A vastly different outlook from when I was in my MLC.

Currently, I am trying to figure out how I can be a digital nomad and make it work for me and my family. I already make my money online, so I have that part down. Now, getting my aunt to come with me to another country for 6-9 months…..… That might be far more work than generating the funds to do so, lol.

In this forum (and IIRC on few others) there is a split between stay-at-home MLCr, low-energy wallower,and high-energy runner. Some progress through all types, some stay the same from start to end. I was quite high-strung for me the first two years. I personally can’t understand a person in a MLC staying. I would think that would be torture for someone in a MLC. Like caging a wild animal. But we are all different. NY state was the abyss for me. I couldn’t even go for a visit there for more than 2 years. The thought of going to visit had me feeling like NY would utterly consume me. For some in a MLC, the abyss is the home they lived in. For others, it might be their spouse, a parent, their career, or even a hobby. Something represents a fate worse than death and we desperately need to escape that.

I had to leave because if I stayed I would be obliviated. I was desperately looking for something I could grab onto to keep from falling forever. The things we tend to grab a hold of for dear life are usually things we would have NEVER touched before MLC…Like leaving my kids and grandkids to move to a state I never even had a desire to go to.

What we do is driven by survival. At the end of all my videos on my MLC, I always ended them with saying, “let’s see if I survive”. I was pretty serious. I really didn’t know if I would get out of my MLC alive. A few people in a MLC knew I was serious. They watched for my videos. They told me that if they see that I survive mine, then they might know that they can too. That maybe the rest of that ride for them won’t be so scary.

[Standing Strong]

Hey MLC50 

I was reading the thread for the 1st time tonight and was thinking "I know who this is"...... and once you put a video link: I was right. 
I'm glad you're doing good - was wondering what happened to you.

There's one thing which is special and different about you: You could identify that something was going on with you. That's huge, and extremely unsusal.

I have one question for you, and I realize you may not be able to answer it:
A hallmark of an MLC'er is the loss of memory about happened during MLC after they come out of it. The fog lifts and takes memory with it - loads of it.
Are you aware of memory gaps from the last several years? If so...... what is it like to experience this? Blanks? Gaps? Or just don't think about it, so what's there to miss?

Ok, another question (if you don't mind) 
The end point were MLC is over: the MLC'er has reconstructed themselves into something different..... normally a meld between what was before and what is learned/discovered. What percentage of yourself would you say is "new" following your experience?

Bonus question (I should have just said three questions to begin with... HA!!!  )
As you were in MLC...... and doing whatever you were doing....... were their points when your perspective was of watching yourself? Like watching a movie? It's you, you're the star, but you are watching it..... totally captivated. Did this happen for you?

Thanks MLC50.... and I'm really glad you're doing well.
Oh darn.... there's another question..... what's next for you? What's on the horizon and plan for the next part of MLC50's life?

-SS

[AlvinTheMaker]

I thought I would spend about 2-3 years working and saving, then stop by California to see what they have going on out there, then take off to Africa. That was what I thought I would do. Why Africa? IDK, I thought I could spread a little joy over there, I thought they needed it. I talked about going to Africa quite a bit for the first year or two. Everyone in my circle, old and new, knew about the Africa thing, lol

Interesting.... The reason I asked about moving around relates to few questions I did before. But in a way I am happy you had the behaviour I was looking.

I'm not medical professional, but I have educated myself a lot (like most here, LOL). So I'm gonna give you a probable cause based on what you have told so far... dissociative fugue (https://psychcentral.com/disorders/dissociative-fugue-symptoms)  ...  It even relates to what SS below asked about memory loss.  How do you feel about possibility of having another name, other than MLC, for what you went through?

I'm not saying you did not have MLC. I'm  saying that most likely what you and other people with MLC have gone through could be identified using medically acknowledged terms and conditions. The problem with MLC itself is too vague, being similar to bigfoot or snowman.  Everyone knows the term and it attracts big audiences (a forum or youtube channel about dissociative fugue would likely get zero subscribers, LOL), but science does not recognize them.

When you originally asked what makes us believe our partners had MLC, my response was that to me MLC is umbrella term for any kind of crisis happening at midlife that significantly affects main relationships. What I left out was that I believe there are as many reasons as there are MLCrs. That is why there is no single solution to fix it IMHO. I believe MLC can be FOO (family-of-origin) induced mental health induced (severe depression and anxiety being most common caused), physical health induced (this includes chemical inbalances, cancers etc), or most likely mix of many causes.

When I asked you about did you see a professional I was curious about your behaviour too. When people with "healthy mind"  encounter something alarming with their body or mind they seek professional help. On the other hand, as even title of book I referenced on earlier post, if you have got mental health issues you likely feel you are not sick and opt-out or even refuse professional help. It's all about human mind gaming our perception.

I hope you don't get offended by any of my analysis (I'm just sample of one), but we all come here to learn and share. All the above is what I've learned from your story so far.


Alvin

[midlifecrisis50]

Standing Strong
Are you aware of memory gaps from the last several years? If so...... what is it like to experience this? Blanks? Gaps? Or just don't think about it, so what's there to miss? This sounds a little like what Alvin suggested about dissociative fugue. I dug into this but it doesn’t fit my experience. There was no memory loss of my life before MLC nor was there a memory loss of how I ended up in Florida after coming out of my MLC, which was a gradual process.

But I have heard of people coming out of MLC who do have gaps in their memory of things during their MLC. Maybe my story is a bit different from most since I did those videos during my MLC that allow me to be able to look back at my time in it. As far as anything major, the memories of those things were and are still there without the need for prodding. For instance, I remember forming all the new relationships while in my MLC. In one of my vids, I said that I had a new hobby, but I didn’t say what that was. I know what it was, shooting at the range with my new Glock which is not a thing that I do now. I remember for a while in my MLC, in the very thick of it, I wanted explosions….something to wake me up. I think shooting helped with that need but isn’t a need I have now since I can now feel the world around me.

Which brings me to what Alvin suggested, dissociative fugue. I fully remembered my life before hitting that wall, I was just detached from it. The feelings that come with a memory were not there so it was like the life of someone else. But I knew it was the life I lived. And I remember how and why I ended up in Florida.

There was no real memory loss from before MLC or during.

The end point were MLC is over: the MLC'er has reconstructed themselves into something different..... normally a meld between what was before and what is learned/discovered. What percentage of yourself would you say is "new" following your experience? There is a merging that happens. I know there are some things about who I was before MLC that didn’t return and some things I learned from my MLC that stayed. I did morph into a new person. But there are things that are different from both. The detachment I had in MLC is completely gone and there is no ability in me to detach when I want or need….I feel whether I want to or not. This is different from me before MLC and during. Before, I had the ability to turn my feelings on and off when needed. In MLC, I couldn’t turn it on. Now, I can’t turn it off.

Much of the identity from before MLC came back but not all. Parts of a different identity emerge and meld with that which returns.

As to the percentage, IDK. I know much of who I was before MLC came back but there is also a fair amount of what was learned/discovered during my MLC. Not that I have parts of who I was in MLC as there was no identity in MLC, but I do have new parts that come from those experiences. So while I can’t say what percentage of me is NEW, I believe that about 80% of who I was before returned.

As you were in MLC...... and doing whatever you were doing....... were their points when your perspective was of watching yourself? Like watching a movie? It's you, you're the star, but you are watching it..... totally captivated. Did this happen for you? Oh yes, like I was on the outside looking in. And I was curious. Who is this? What will she do? There was no attachment to this person, just a curiosity. Like, grab some popcorn and get comfortable, this is quite interesting!

what's next for you? What's on the horizon and plan for the next part of MLC50's life? When my feelings slowly came back, they ultimately returned in spades! One of the new things of the new me was a connection to a group of people that in my life before MLC, I didn’t really connect with. Meh. For some reason though, after or coming out of my MLC, I developed a real strong heart for them. I really felt their pain. It was overwhelming. I asked God how can I help? It seems that I got an answer. Through a series of strange events, I created something that was pretty helpful for that group of people. I have been focused on that for about 2 years now, helping them as best as I can through their tough journey.

I feel like I have a purpose in this world and that I am now living it. I mean, I had a purpose while I was raising my family, but that changes some when the nest empties. But now I have another purpose that contributes to society in a bigger way. And I am VERY grateful for it.

In the future? Maybe one day, I’ll write a book or something on MLC. I don’t know what that would look like but perhaps I might be able to help lift a little confusion or pain or something for some of those affected by MLC. It’s real, it really is!

AlvinTheMaker
I hope you don't get offended by any of my analysis Absolutely not, in fact, I have read much, if not all, of the suggestions. I don’t assume to know everything around this topic. Maybe there is plenty of study in it but using another term. While I don’t think my personal experience fits the things suggested so far, feel free to keep shooting them out there! And I’ll keep reading!

WHY
And here's one more, the "Shocksis" thread.  A recovered MLCer that was kind enough to post about her experience on Hero Spouse. O.M.G. Hers was a very interesting read for me. Especially since I was NOT in a relationship when I hit mine so I got to look inside MLC from a different perspective, that of one in a long-term relationship. Still, there are so many parallels between her experience and mine. Very curious. And she has great clarity too!

Interestingly, a piece of her story turned out to be a BIG trigger for me. It opened my eyes to a couple of the things that caused the internal pressure inside that exploded in the form of my MLC. I had myself a good cry last night as those things surfaced inside of me. I know I have to address these, but I’m not sure how in this moment. I know it will come to me now that I am aware of them. After all, we cannot fix something if we don’t know it’s broken.

[WHY]

From the outside, if I didnt understand MLC, hearing that you were single, and wanting to up it and travel to Florida, California and Africa, to work and have an adventure, and do something for yourself while you're still young.  Honestly that sounds pretty amazing.  Why not do it?

But I guess the MLC component comes into play when you were prepared to write off your own father and children to do it.  That's a dramatic shift.  Like why not do the adventure and leave your family in tact?  Thats the part of MLC that I dont quite understand.  The need to inflict maximum pain for the people that love you most. 

However for a married MLCer, clearly the LBS is standing in the way of their happiness and immediately gets vilified and hated.  I totally get this.  And its the sad reality that the LBS doesnt stand a chance. 

Oh and Im with Alvin on my other question.  Whats next for you!?  You're still young and have plenty of years for adventure.  What do you think comes next?