[Hopeful5]

Hi Hopeful5,

What I'll share below is taken and modified from my personal notes when I was more or less in where you are. So the style etc. may seem bit unusual (but it does prove I am a very systematic thinker, LOL).  Any extra additions/comments just for you I have placed inside parenthesis below.

It will get better. But it requires you to focus on you and your behaviour instead of responding to her crazy stuff.
 
Alvin

Alvin, Wow, I really appreciate your incredibly thoughtful response.  There are many of these things I'm doing, and some that I haven't stepped fully into yet.  I'll be referencing your list regularly. This is invaluable - Thank you!

I'm not sure what stage I'm in, but I think I'm finally coming to full acceptance that my marriage (as I knew it) is over and that my W is not interested in any form of reconciliation.  I spoke with my D lawyer today and he mentioned that it seems like there is a giant wound in our family and it just keeps filling up with puss and popping. And since my W doesn't want to deal with the root issue and fix it, the infection just continues to go deeper the longer things go on.  He mentioned that there are many kids who end up resenting a parent who lets toxic situations like mine go on for longer than necessary. He said someone has to cut the head off this snake and deal with the issue. If D is the only option, the quicker the better.

Maybe I'm too cynical (I know I am), but since he's a D lawyer, I just assume his goal is to sell me on a D.  Regardless, what he said rang true.

As we've discussed before, I do know that a D will not solve all problems, and that it will create some new ones.  I'm not ready to take that step until I've become more financially independent.   I'm currently focusing on total detachment and creating a new life , focused on independence and being a great father.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Maybe I'm too cynical (I know I am), but since he's a D lawyer, I just assume his goal is to sell me on a D.  Regardless, what he said rang true.

You're definitely not too cynical.  Your D lawyer was selling it to you.

As far as kids and their possible resentment goes.... Its not if but when, regardless of what happens with your marriage. This has been massive traumatic experience to you, and it is even bigger for your kids.  Their primitive/undeveloped mind will create very bizarre theories  and solutions when trying to understand all the mindfiretruck, and it will also create selfblame and anger just like you have gone through. The same way you have received help from this community and therapist to get your thoughts sorted, your kids too will need some proper guidance. Or else they will make some bad choices.As parent, as father, you need to be there and give them both tools and answers... It's not gonna be easy, but hopefully it will give them solid foundations for future life.

All in all, you are on good route. Becoming independent, building acceptance, taking care of family, and doing mindfull decisions are all essential first steps in securing your future regardless of what happens with your marriage.  Now just go slow (and then even slower).

Alvin

[Atari25]

I'm not sure what stage I'm in, but I think I'm finally coming to full acceptance that my marriage (as I knew it) is over and that my W is not interested in any form of reconciliation.  I spoke with my D lawyer today and he mentioned that it seems like there is a giant wound in our family and it just keeps filling up with puss and popping. And since my W doesn't want to deal with the root issue and fix it, the infection just continues to go deeper the longer things go on.  He mentioned that there are many kids who end up resenting a parent who lets toxic situations like mine go on for longer than necessary. He said someone has to cut the head off this snake and deal with the issue. If D is the only option, the quicker the better.

Maybe I'm too cynical (I know I am), but since he's a D lawyer, I just assume his goal is to sell me on a D.  Regardless, what he said rang true.

As we've discussed before, I do know that a D will not solve all problems, and that it will create some new ones.  I'm not ready to take that step until I've become more financially independent.   I'm currently focusing on total detachment and creating a new life , focused on independence and being a great father.

Take your time. I've spoken with a lawyer and I'm aware of what will happen if I go forward but I know I need time and my wife needs time also.

So far zero indication she is coming back or even really misses the kids and I. It's so bizarre.

No rush. Slow is my advise and that's the advice I was given. So far that was sound advice.

[Hopeful5]

>>> Go Slow -- Take your time <<<.  Good advice. When emotions run high, I so badly want to file for D. I know that won't solve anything in the moment, and I do need this time to begin to rebuild without the pressure of a D.  Both me and the kids need some sense of financial stability and a clear path forward once a D is on the table.   Right now, a D would just be setting off another bomb. We've had enough of that already.  From here on out it's about clarity and making good, healthy decisions that build a better future.

[AlvinTheMaker]

When emotions run high, I so badly want to file for D.

That is your primitive lizard brain having an anxious knee-jerk reaction. Sadly the lizard brain is always gonna be much faster than your adult brain. The only way out of it is to learn to go slow and be mindful. In the beginning your body will feel anxiety of it (awaiting for beasts to kill you) but it is like a muscle - with discipline and few months of repeat you can reach a state where you can act with sanity and detachment without anxiety. It is good place to be.

Not sure if you are familiar with mindfulness, but it can be really helpful as "cheat sheet" to fight off lizard brain. For example one thing that worked for me was "counting to five" before responding. Another success for me was rule of three - before making any major decision, I paused for 3 minutes, then 3 hours, then 3 days, weeks and ultimately months. It did a world of difference, and often times I discovered major faults in my original thinking. Time is your friend, use it wisely.

You might also check various breathing techniques. They help controlling physical anxiety, which is part of reason why your lizard brain is so reactive.

There is lot you can learn of yourself. And it is not for her or your marriage, but for you and people around you. When you learn about this stuff, it will make your life better day after day for rest of your life, regardless of what happens with your marriage. 

Sorry for pouring more "new stuff to learn" for you, LOL.

Alvin

[Atari25]

Not sure if you are familiar with mindfulness, but it can be really helpful as "cheat sheet" to fight off lizard brain. For example one thing that worked for me was "counting to five" before responding. Another success for me was rule of three - before making any major decision, I paused for 3 minutes, then 3 hours, then 3 days, weeks and ultimately months. It did a world of difference, and often times I discovered major faults in my original thinking. Time is your friend, use it wisely.

You might also check various breathing techniques. They help controlling physical anxiety, which is part of reason why your lizard brain is so reactive.

There is lot you can learn of yourself. And it is not for her or your marriage, but for you and people around you. When you learn about this stuff, it will make your life better day after day for rest of your life, regardless of what happens with your marriage. 

I didn't think any of this would happen but it's all happening. One day at a time I appreciate my new life and all the amazing people and family I have, my beautiful children. Breathing helped a lot at the beginning also, less so now as my anxiety has dropped off for the time being.

I am bracing for the next BD but I do so with more confidence I can handle it.

[Hopeful5]

Well... I just discovered via our states online court search that W (now STBXW) filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago.  My hunch is that I'll get served papers next week.   Strange because I feel like I'm in shock a bit, even thought I've known this would be coming for several months now...  I'm not sure if she's told any of the kids yet. She blew up and said some stuff to my youngest 2 several days ago  (while I was away) that really made them upset, but they didn't want to tell me, which isn't normal.

She's been acting extra angry / moody since she filed the D, making even more rude comments to me every chance she can get.  It's really a treat. 

Bad news - My STBXW and marriage collapsed after 23 (what I thought to be) great years of marriage.

Good news - She initiated the D.  I really needed this.  I don't want anything to do with all of her destruction and inner rage and when my kids are older and the smoke clears, she'll be the one responsible for all of the wreckage left behind.  Had this dragged on, I would have initiated the D, but I'm glad I didn't have to.

I'm not sure what to expect moving forward. I'll be retaining my lawyer next week for what lies ahead.

I'm doing my best to keep my mind at peace and know that much of what lies ahead is lawyers work. I'm taking it one step at a time and hope to be a person of joy and stability for my kids through it all. This is a defining moment in my life and my kids. What they remember of me through all of this can be a huge opportunity to show them how to navigate through seemingly terrible situations.  Onward!

[AlvinTheMaker]

Hugs🫂 And definitely onwards. Life will become good some sunny day.

Your next big hurdle is gonna be about kids and parenting. Do you have any ideas what she has planned?

Be prepared that there are no winners in what's ahead.

And don't trust the system too much - as sad as it, as a male you often need to take extra steps to get good deal out of it.

Alvin

[UrsaMajor]

From here on out, there is one thing to keep in mind with regards to your STBXW......



This is why you have retained and are paying a lawyer

[Hopeful5]

Hugs🫂 And definitely onwards. Life will become good some sunny day.

Your next big hurdle is gonna be about kids and parenting. Do you have any ideas what she has planned?

Be prepared that there are no winners in what's ahead.

And don't trust the system too much - as sad as it, as a male you often need to take extra steps to get good deal out of it.

Alvin

Thanks Alvin, I have no idea what she has planned.  If you want an Idea of what she's like, think of Kathy Bates from Misery. All chipper and charming on the outside, to everybody else. But underneath it, to me -- She's a surprisingly hateful & angry person.  There really is no telling what she has planned.  I'll certainly be interested to see what her demands & plans are once I'm served papers.

I did notice something interesting... In searching her and my lawyer's court history, I see an overwhelming number of divorces initiated by women. I know the current consensus is that divorces are started by the woman 70% of the time, but from these two lawyers history, it's easily 95% initiated by women.  This is coming from one female and one male lawyer.