[LBSinUSA]

Hello all, I am new to this forum.  I (39) have been married for 7 years with W (35) and we have a son (2) together.   We were together for ten years almost.

W is from a different country where she got an advanced degree.  She couldnt do much with it there so she immigrated to US about 12 years ago.  We met a little bit after that. 

Anyways, we both started off rather low in our professions and it took awhile for us to get situated in our careers.  I was working temp jobs and she was working just above minimum wage.  We also moved with my dad who had suffered a stroke and was incapacitated to some degree.  This was not my idea as W came from a large family and felt it was our duty to take him in.  He had been very difficult to be around and was quasi-homeless at the time and I really admired how she was insistent we take him in.   He never got better though and sort of wasted away.  He passed away 3 1/2 years ago.  During this time her mother moved in as well and has been living with me for 6 years now.

Anyways we eventually moved back to where we started in a larger city.  I had success and was doing well at my job.  She had worked herself into a decent position but I figured she kind of wanted to do more.  I encouraged her to go back to school but she always had a reason not to.  We eventually had a child (which she said was her dream) and things seemed to be going well.

Fast forward to last March and we were on a trip to CO with her mom and family and her mom fell in a ski town.  She was in pain and eventually they took her to the ER once we got back a week or two later.  It was discovered her mother had Stage 4 cancer that had spread into bones.  They have treatments for it and they can prolong life considerably now so it wasnt imminent but it was still hard news. W also works where mom got treated.  At this time FIL had moved in.  Him and MIL were divorced apparently after W graduated college. 

Its at this time I began to notice a change.  W became distant and cold and I could see just looking at her she was in turmoil.  A few months go by and she seems to be improving.  I chalk it up to her moms illness.  My mom died when I was young of cancer so I know alot about it and figure I can be her support since I know what its like.  Then I see this "monster" come back about a year ago (July) and I ask her whats up.  Thats when she says 'I dont think I can do this with you anymore."  I was shocked.  "What about our son?"   She doesnt believe in D and her entire value structure was set on multiple kids and having a big family.  She dismisses my concerns about the effect on our son and I cant believe this monster is the same person I married.

We decide to go to MC.  We went to him some years before for issues involving living with my dad and the conflict it caused within me.  We seemed to have success.  When I ask her about the issues with the M,  she obssessively focuses on cleaning around the house.  He suggests I do more help clean around the house.  Ive always done chores around the house so I find it odd.  Maybe Im not doing it good enough and she never notices?  MC thinks this is the case so I start cleaning more.  This seems to make her more angry and she blurts out "Its not about the cleaning!" several times.  We go back to MC one day and its just a litany of nonsensical grievances over the years of everything Ive ever done wrong.  What really scares me is she says I never held her belly when she was pregnant which is obv a lie.  I can remember the feeling of sons kicks in the womb and its something I will never forget.  Furthermore I have literally hundreds of pictures of me holding her belly when she was pregnant.   

Its at this point that I see huge issues.  I go to a lawyer (I am one btw) and get advice.  After running through everything, lawyer says to try and work things out because it makes no sense she would want this.  Custody will be 50/50 and she actually owes me money in CS because I pay for daycare and insurance.  I do make more money than her but not by alot.  She gets no alimony, etc.  Lawyer is worried about what my sons life is going to look like living 50 percent of it in a tiny 1 bed apt with MLC W and her terminally ill mother. 

W agrees around September to work on things with me.  She decide she wants to study for this exam for her career and one that she could allow her to do what shes always wanted to do career wise.  I encourage this.

We take some vacations.  We continue with our plans to buy a home.  We actually prequalify for a brand new construction in a great area.  She apologizes for her behavior at one point and I think "well things are looking up".  Then the holidays come and she turns back into the monster.  She gets no presents for anyone for the holidays.  She causes us to be late and miss our flight to meet our friends in the Smoky Mountains and gets mad at me because I was upset.  She gets a tattoo (which is something I have always hated, just a preference of mine) and I look up what that means and up pops MLC.   I read more about MLC and I begin to understand.  When she gets the tattoo I immediately tell her theres no way I was buying a home with her and that her behavior is bizarre.

She has her test in January for her career and I notice that she always at home studying and went about six months without ever taking our son out to do anything.  I keep encouraging her to study while I get to do cool new stuff with son.  But by now my alerts are off for MLC and I want to see how she does on exam.  Two weeks before her big test date she comes downstairs and says "Im tired of dealing with you, Its time for me to focus on me. I want to separate."  I say "Ok" and lay out everything legally and financially for her.  I explain I dont want to be at this home anymore (we rent and have about 9 months to go on the lease) so I go to my family members house.  The entire night W is texting me and begging me to come back.  I come back a couple days later.   She expresses shock that I would speak with a lawyer and how she cant believe what I said to her that night.  She makes several grandiose promises to do better and how shes gonna follow up this time. 

A few weeks later she takes this big exam.  My therapist had said he would be shocked if she did well given where her mind seemed to be at.  Sure enough, she takes the exam after 7 months of studying and fails it badly.  Test has a 90 percent pass rate.  Her score is in the bottom 1 percent and she gets placed on probation for scoring so low.  Most people can take this test multiple times but her score is low enough she can only retake once.  Now having read more about MLC, Im ready for the monster and boy does it come back.  She gets absolutely vicious with me and blames me for her failure.  I was expecting that.  What I was not expecting was MIL who lives with us to also start attacking me and being nasty with me. 

In February I reach my breaking point and I decide I need to clear my head and get out of this toxic situation.  I go to my familys house temporarily.  I stay for a month and clear my head. I dont like being away from my son.   I decide that since lease ends in September in order to break it, its going to cost a fortune.  I try and negotiate a buyout with owner but he wont budge and demands full amount.  I figure I could deplete all the savings to get out now or ride it through to the end of the lease.  Sadly I have nowhere to go to stay free temporarily.  I realize the smarter option is to ride lease out and make sure I have the ability to provide my son his own bedroom and safe stable place in a good area.  This means I need to save as much money as possible from savings which means riding out lease.

While I was out I discover EA with W ex BF from high school.  I see she has been sending him small amounts of money for a year and love letters.  He lives in Europe and as far as I was aware was a drunk.  The fact hes on another continent is the only reason I never thought it devolved into anything physical but by this point I was expecting it.  Im not an optimist by nature and after reading about MLC I was thinking the only thing missing here is the A and here it is.  I combed my mind to think when she would have had time to have an actual physical affair but I keep coming blank.  She is always home and doesnt go out.  But it makes sense then it would be an online thing because she can sit on her phone, something I had noticed she was doing for months.  She of course denies it (and still does to this day) even when confronted with evidence. 

Regardless I swallow my pride and think I need to get things set financially for what comes next and save up and pay off debts.  I come back in and we agree to work on things.  We go back to MC.  I have low expectations and am proven right.  MC devolves into her litany of grievances including the cleaning one.  MC gets her to admit Ive been better with cleaning but she lurches into another "Its not about cleaning!" She says we dont date anymore.  So I take her on a date.  She of course backs out a few times before relenting.  I take her to a very nice steakhouse.  The entire time she is sulking and being nasty.  She says "Was I supposed to be impressed by this?"  I feel like Im back in high school.  I realize I never want to go out with her again. 

Eventually she says shes done.  The next day after this I begin my apt search (This is April).  She does too but comes back one night and decides she has a new plan.  I can move in with her and son and MIL will move to other apt.  I am sure the reality of seeing what a downgrade in her lifestyle was coming was the catalyst for this.  I dont think shes gonna follow through with it, but FIL tries to mediate and save M and says we need to do this for son.  I relent. 

Two weeks later, MIL gets nasty and hostile with me when I go to take son out to watch a hockey game. She had pent up rage about the arrangement I think.  I tell her not to tell me what to do with son.  The next day W (who I sensed was looking to back out of arrangement) says "I cant live with someone who would tell my mother something like that."  I tell her shes full of $h!te and that she was looking for excuses to get out of arrangement.  The truth is I wanted out of the arrangement too because I felt like I had made good headway mentally to get ready to leave and that I foolishly went back on it.  Now I could plan.

Anyways that leads me here today.  Ive got a new lease starting in a few weeks and Ill be free of this madness.  Ill have my dogs and son (50 percent of the time). The place Im moving is a downgrade from where I am now but I dont have much of a choice.   Ive been going to therapy since the BD a year ago.  It was suggested I join this forum as it seems like an excellent support group.  I can say with MLC that knowledge is power.  The more I read on it, the more I know what to expect and not be surprised.

My parents were never divorced.  My mom died when I was young and my dad was a trainwreck of a person in general.  My life has had many difficulties but they have made me tough. 

My dream was always to have a big family with a nice house, a few dogs and loving, caring W.  She was that at one point but thats not who she is anymore.  Ive tried to detach as best I know how.  I worry how shes going to be with my son.  Shes become a little more engaged with him since she failed the test.  I dont think shes doing it out of wanting to be a better mom but more because shes angry at me for doing nice things with him and she feels insecure.  Its become clear shes very jealous and resentful towards me.  She got angry at me today discussing how to divy up the furniture. 

I hope at some point I can forgive her.  I foolishly blurted this out today during her venting.  It just beget more venting.   Shes clearly gearing up to blame me for the impending D by saying it was me who wanted it all along.  Just more blame projection on her part.  The weird part is after her raging at me and following angry texts I felt better.  I just told her I understood and felt sorry for her.  I guess I realized even on my worst days when Im down at least Im not this and my son is going to need me so I better keep it together. 

Anyways thanks for making it to the end.

[UrsaMajor]

Wow! Sounds like someone has been reading the "MLC for Dummies" script - namely your MLCW

OK, first and foremost-
Her sending money to some drunk here in Europe has to either stop or it comes out of her settlement. Her drunken ex BF is NOT your problem.

Second, her mom and dad are also not your problem. MIL has probably heard the entire Litany of Grievances against you for some time now and will support her daughter. FIL is , possibly, a different story but what I don't get is why he moved in too if he and MIL got divorced. It isn't like there is any love lost between the two of them or they wouldn't have gotten divorced in the first place.

Third, the cleaning projection - she complains about it and then says that this is not the issue.... Then what is? She can't tell you because she doesn't know herself. She has her head stuffed so far up her .... fog.... that she is looking out of her bellybutton to walk forward. Unfortunately, there is NOTHING you can do to help or change this.

Fourth, MC is only useful if BOTH parties want to make things work AND it requires an MC that actually understands MLC. From your story here, I think your MC is a charlatan who doesn't know their butt from a hole in the ground (my mother is/was (she is semi-retired now) professional Marriage and Family Therapist).....

Fifth, get your finances locked down ASAP. If MLCW and MIL are in cahoots, they will be looking for a payout somehow. MLC'ers are probably some of the MOST self-entitled people on the planet and the ONLY thing that matters to them is their next shot of "happy." They do not care of the house goes into foreclosure or if the car is repo'd as long as they can get that next fix. If there are consequences that result form their actions, they are always someone else's fault, invariably the LBS (as you are discovering).

MLC'ers are not capable of accepting any responsibility or accountability for their actions and will blame anyone and everyone else for their problems that they themselves created by their actions.

I am really sorry that you needed to find us but at least you are here now among a group of people who "get" what you are going through.  In my tag line is a link to a series of "guidelines" for LBS's recently blindsided by MLC ("Survival Guide for Newbies") . In it, there are several resources that you may find useful.

[Treasur]

Oh my goodness, LBSinUSA - your situation certainly has a lot of moving parts and you’ve had some real challenges in the last few years, haven’t you?

There’s a quote I remember from someone else’s tagline to the effect that you don’t go through hell without acquiring some transferable skills. I can see that in your post about how you’ve responded to the situation so far. A lot of LBS were starting from scratch post BD and it was more of a shock to their world view perhaps. I am sorry for your experiences as a young human but I can see that it has given you probably a pretty useful toolbox for dealing with dysfunctional folks and an ability to call something that quacks like a duck pretty likely to be a duck. I wish none of us had to have (or find) those survival skills but they can be life and sanity saving.

Well done for trusting your own gut and ignoring what seems to me to be rather unhelpful (or uninformed) advice from both the MC and the lawyer to essentially try to appease your wife and make rational reciprocal kind of arrangements with someone who isn’t being driven by the same agenda as you. You tried, it didn’t work, so you changed your approach. That was wise and healthy. Whatever is going on, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and it isn’t about you.

It sounds as if, like most of us, you tried initially to respond to some of your w’s complaints but saw pretty quickly that it was a nonsensical no-win game. Still, I would imagine from what you post that you are perhaps grieving the loss of the kind of family you longed to build and that you have concerns about your little one growing up in a situation you did not want for him.

How can we best support you at the moment?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

So sorry that you are here, but it is a great group to get advice.

When I ask her about the issues with the M,  she obssessively focuses on cleaning around the house.

One thing I have come to learn that despite their obvious shortcomings when making rational decisions, MLCers are still complex. It seems MLC amplifies the pitch of the MLCers actions and mindset. I am not an expert and I am basing assumptions on what you have written. However, I sense that your wife is all about control. She insisted that your father move in with you. She goes to MC and nothing about her, it is about mess in the apartment. Really? Or does she want to control the narrative. MC should never be about being the judge of who is right or wrong in the marriage, but how to communicate for the support she needs. Likewise, you need to communicate your needs as well. That builds the relationship. Monstering is not effective communication. Was that ever brought up?

Once again, monstering is her temper tantrum, and remember, temper tantrums are all about control.

While I was out I discover EA with W ex BF from high school.  I see she has been sending him small amounts of money for a year and love letters.  He lives in Europe and as far as I was aware was a drunk.

They really know how to pick them don't they? Your wife is going back and trying to see if she made a right instead of a left her messed up life would have been better. I don't want to be a bearer of bad news, but be prepared for her to "find" a soul mate. A lot in the world of the MLCer is how things or people make them feel. My ex loved the "falling in love " more than being in love. It was all fantasy but fantasy for her was better than reality.

Whatever is going on, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and it isn’t about you.

This is hard because we naturally want to fix what we have enjoyed thus far. As mentioned, you are doin an exceptional job of responding to her as opposed to reacting. Great job. Other than the financial information, I can offer little to you other than to focus on your healing. While you sound very strong, all of this takes a big hit to your sense of reality, your balance, and esteem. Take time to focus on your mental health and be the rock for your son. You are the only adult in the room right now and he need you as the adult.

Keep posting and remember, this is a marathon not a sprint!

(((Ready)))

[LBSinUSA]

Hello all,

Sorry for the delay but I've been keeping busy and took a trip by myself the last few days as sort of a treat yourself thing.  I enjoyed it although travelling alone again can be sad at times.

As far as the home life is concerned not much has changed there.  The apartment I was going to move has conditions issues and I am probably going somewhere else.  They thought my move in was this month and told me the unit wouldnt be ready.  I explained the move in was next month but its nice to know if I was actually moving this month they would have given me a weeks notice to find a new place.

To answer some questions: financially speaking, our finances have always been separate.  I keep my money I earn and she keeps hers.  I make more and have more in retirement but not by that much.  The only joint account we had was the down payment for the house and I have full control over that.  I pulled the money out of a high yield savings account in anticipation of giving her her portion.  The truth about our finances is that there isnt that much between the two of us.  If she wants to fight over money, its going to all go to lawyers and there isnt much to get.  Were talking about 2-3k at most. 

Since Im an attorney, I have a good idea what to expect on this front and its pretty easy for me to get advice.  The only issue I could see is custody of S2.  I dont think she has any idea what 50/50 actually means and will look like.  I am setting it up so that S2 can have his own room and bathroom with me.  And while its likely to be a downgrade in quality of the apt we are in now, I should be able to keep him in the same daycare.  Meanwhile shes going to be living with terminally ill MIL, her and him in a tiny one bedroom apt.  A court is going to consider this should it come to it. 

As far as FOO and FIL and MIL issues, I wish I would have maybe taken stock of that a little more than I did.  FIL has been in and out of living with us for several years now.  He seems to pack up and leave and find a new job every year or two.  This is the third time hes lived with us and now hes out again.  He was going to move in with W and MIL to help them financially since without me, its going to be extremely hard on them.  But he backed out of it and is gone yet again.  While I do have a good relationship with him, I believe hes been doing this type of thing for years.  W told me they divorced when she was in her 20's and it absolutely crushed her.  My sense is that FIL was doing this well before they got a D and explains MIL's awful attitude. 

W has been more engaged with son lately.  I find this to be relatively positive.  Shes been acting pretty good around the house.   But when I see her packing things, I do get mad as it starts to feel emptier and emptier.  The absurdity of the whole situation pisses me off.  Legally and financially she's essentially blowing herself up but as has been stated theres nothing I can do.  Its just bizarre to watch someone blow themselves up so spectacularly and think everything will work out great because...reasons. 

It reminds me of a South Park episode where these gnomes are stealing underpants.  When the main characters ask the gnomes why they steal underpants, they respond "for profit!"  Then they ask how does stealing underpants give one a profit and the gnomes stare blankly at them and they cant explain.  Its Step 1. Steal Underpants.  Step 2 : ?   Step 3: Profit!  Thats MLC in a nutshell to me. 

I dont engage with her really and if shes in the house I will find something to do outside so I dont have to be near her.  What I know and expect now is that randomly there is these little quivers of light that break through like deep down somewhere in there, there is a decent person.  But its only a quiver of light and inevitably the monster will come roaring back in due time. 

To answer another question, I am here because at the end of the day its hard for me to explain any of this to anyone really.  I dont know if Im young to have this happen to them, but when I tell people "MLC" I can see they mostly think of cliches and their eyes glaze over.  I mean my lawyer couldnt even fathom what kind of stupidity W would be engaged in. 

Im upset about the loss of a family and the effect on my son.  W's family aside from MIL has been respectful, polite and just letting me know that they still care about me.  While I am thankful for that, I dont think I can expect much of anything from them.  I dont want to out and out cut them from my life, but I have no intention of doing any type of events or activities again with them.  My view is they are not my family any more.  Is this a right way to look at it? 

Well thats about it.  I was in a bad move the other day when I see that for the next year or so I am going to be in a tough spot financially and emotionally,  I love my job and the idea I may have to leave it to chase bigger dollars upsets me.  But thats a question for several years down the line once my student loans are paid off.  Anyways thanks for listening.

And I apologize for not being able to quote block.  That would make it easier to respond to all your posts.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Glad to here back from you.  One thing you have going for you is that the marriage is only seven years. Many states consider anything over ten years as long term and that opens up a whole new can of worms.

Just keep up on the bills and make sure you add to any agreement that she can't take your son out of the country without your permission. I don't know if she has any family or support left in her old country, but if you don't have that in the agreement and she does leave, it is a huge hassle.

The only issue I could see is custody of S2.  I dont think she has any idea what 50/50 actually means and will look like.  I am setting it up so that S2 can have his own room and bathroom with me.  And while its likely to be a downgrade in quality of the apt we are in now, I should be able to keep him in the same daycare.  Meanwhile shes going to be living with terminally ill MIL, her and him in a tiny one bedroom apt.  A court is going to consider this should it come to it.

That is probably what you will see as courts try to keep everything equal between spouses. Because he is in daycare, she can't argue that he needs his mom more than you. As far as terminally ill mom, he has been living with her so it isn't anything new. Where there would be an issue is if he moved into a five bedroom mansion with you while having to live in a one bedroom apartment with mom. The court would then have you pay to upgrade her conditions so that the difference was not so great. He is young and may not notice, but as he gets older, he will see the difference.

I am here because at the end of the day its hard for me to explain any of this to anyone really.  I dont know if Im young to have this happen to them, but when I tell people "MLC" I can see they mostly think of cliches and their eyes glaze over.  I mean my lawyer couldnt even fathom what kind of stupidity W would be engaged in.

That's why I consider this more a transitional issue then "mid-age" crisis. We all go through transitions of our lives. I am almost sixty and I don't see the world the same as I did forty years ago. Over the years, I have transitioned from single to married, married with children, divorce and remarriage. Life transitions are expected and can be difficult but we all deal with them. Crisis is when instead of going forward, the person goes backwards-shirking all responsibility and trying to recapture youth or a time that they felt "free". That is why many act like teenagers.

That's why the forum works to provide people with support on an issue that many don't believe even exists. You are right about the eye rolls in real life and even your soon to be ex would deny it. From her perspective she know exactly what she is doing and above all else, she is right.

So feel free to keep posting.

My view is they are not my family any more.  Is this a right way to look at it?

That is entirely up to you. I don't engage with my ex's family at all as I have the same view as you. I have a new family now and I don't want to be involved as it compromises the level of detachment I prefer. There are others on the site that maintain solid relationships with others and some that still meet with their exes especially if the children are involved.

This is a boundary you get to set. Boundaries are set to protect your stability and your well being. They are not to punish or hurt the MLCer of their family.

You are handling this all very well and you need to do what works best for you.

(((Ready)))

[Biscuit]

Hi LBSinUSA,

In terms of family I still have regular contact with my W's mum, I sometimes see her at family events but have also met up with her on occasion to have a drink or see a film. She regards me as her SIL still. I'm fine with this - she didn't blow up our family.

[xyzcf]

Im upset about the loss of a family and the effect on my son.  W's family aside from MIL has been respectful, polite and just letting me know that they still care about me.  While I am thankful for that, I dont think I can expect much of anything from them.  I dont want to out and out cut them from my life, but I have no intention of doing any type of events or activities again with them.  My view is they are not my family any more.  Is this a right way to look at it?

I firmly believe that MLC has nothing to do with me or our marriage. My husband's parents are deceased and he doesn't have any siblings, but I still exchange and receive Christmas cards from his cousins...they live far away so I don't have any physical contact with them, but I know if I ever went to where they live, they would welcome me. They are still family to me and always will be.

He divorced me. His family had nothing to do with that.

I also have contact with him. Sometimes having dinner together, he brings me gifts from his travels and texts me jokes....15 years after BD....we spend time with our daughter and her husband(they live in another country) at Christmas (he stays in my home), during the summer when they come and visit (again he stays here with us) and we take them away in the winter for a beach vacation. This is best for our daughter who he also turned away from for many years.

I have seen the changes that occurred with MLC...as we read here, over and over again, very similar characteristics....and I am convinced that something happened to create these changes...biochemical/hormonal/ FOO/ fear of dying.....this person is not the person I knew for 35 years.

The LBSer gets to choose. We make a decision that is right for us and our kids....and perhaps even for them......we used to refer to "paving the way" which I used to think meant in case they ever returned...but perhaps it can also mean giving them a safe place, a place of acceptance of what happened to them.

It's a radical way perhaps to view this..but it's not a marriage breakup due to problems in the marriage...no...it is a sudden, unexpected explosion of everything that once was.

Just a different view from many here and from the world who strongly feel that we need to kick them to the curb and slam the door..... each situation is different and some have had abusive spouses or have other reasons why what works for me doesn't for them.

Think about what these other family members mean to you? Is there a reason why they also have to be removed from your life?

[LBSinUSA]

Journaling today:

The move out date is getting closer and I find myself getting more sad and angry.   It seems that watching the bags get packed and everything get put away does have an effect on me.  Yesterday what appeared to get to me was seeing my MIL pack the kitchen up and I noticed she was putting away some cooking tupperware that had been my Mom and Dads.  I dont think she knew it but I politely told her she couldnt take it.  She then got defensive and said she didnt want it or need it anyway. 

I work from home most of the time so yesterday I stayed at home and was around MIL all day.  Normally the last few weeks I go in to work towards the late morning to stay away from her.  I do my work downstairs and she has kept away for the most part but lately she just sits in the kitchen fiddling on her phone while Im working.   I think the stress of being here is getting to me again. As I type this she's standing right near me.  (She doesnt speak English as an aside)

Anyways STBXW came home and we did S2 therapy session on Zoom in the afternoon.  He was flagged for behavioral issues from his school for not interacting with other kids about 6 months ago.  Hes doing much better now which has been a relief.  Yesterday I brought him over to the playground and therapist got to see him actually playing with other kids and interacting with them.  We have some sort of session with the program he enrolled in and they are going to make a recommendation over the next few months on the level of care they determine he needs.  Based on what I can tell he is meeting his milestones. Based on what Ive read it seems the program recommends everyone for more treatment but that might mean pulling him from his daycare where he seems to be thriving.  I got very sad thinking of him leaving there especially since it took so long for him to get adjusted.  This would happen some months into the future if it did happen.  I feel like the daycare is a form of stability for him and to pull him might be detrimental in some way. 

STBXW says we should prepare to enroll him if need be.  She says she wants to follow the recommendations of the program.   I dont believe anything she says at this point and I think she wants this because shes aware with me paying for the daycare, that she owes child support and this is some way for her to get out of that.  The program says the school would be free and I think thats what she heard.  (Wed need to pay for aftercare which is about the same cost as daycare but I dont think this ever crossed her mind).  I hate to feel Im being paranoid but I treat everything she says and does with a very jaundiced view. 

Two nights earlier she came in to the room in the morning very emotional and hugging me and saying she wanted to say something.  I didnt expect much but she led off with "Im sorry I didnt have the strength to fight for us.." I immediately shut her down and told her I didnt want to discuss any of this at this point and to please stop.  I have heard some version of "Heres me pretending to say Im sorry but not really" a few times now.   She has been very chatty with me on text message and what not over the last couple of weeks.  Most of it has been about S2.   I havent ignored her but Im not saying much beyond one word. 

Anyways yesterday after S2 therapy session we got to discussing some logistics and I found myself already in a sour mood getting more mad.  I owe her her portion of the house money and I attempted to send it via Zelle but the bank rejected it.  She asked me how much of my portion was left and I explained I didnt have much because i was spending money to pay off some debts and get stuff for our son and pay for his daycare, swimming lessons, activities etc.  She was shocked I had spent that much  money but I told her I had been running at a deficit for almost two years now as had been explained previously.  Again, I should know better than to have to explain this since her mind is so warped she has no idea what shes doing about anything.  As the discussion continued I got the point where I was explaining why we now have two separate households and two costs and even though I felt all of this was very stupid and was going to set me back financially for some time, I had to deal with what was given. She looked at me and said with a smile "You cant blame me for this?" to which I said "I blame you entirely for this."  She did that manaical laugh only a MLC can do as though saying she was responsible for anything was about.    Im a hot head and it wasnt a good idea to say it.  It seems it was more of a reaction than a response I think even if it was the truth.  I left the house at that point and went to my sisters to cool off. 

My sister said it seems like all the packing had sent me into a bad mood so perhaps I should leave for the next week or two.  STBXW is supposed to leave next weekend.   I have two dogs (a father and daughter).  The daughter went into heat so I have an excuse to leave and get her out of the house.  Shes a puppy and keeps making a mess in the house.  I am the only one training her.   

STBXW was the one who wanted her back last year and we bred the dad so we could have another dog for our son and at the time hopefully future children.  This was one of the things I thought was a sign she was planning for the future family last year that gave me hope.  Three days after I picked her up STBXW said she wanted to sell her.  I said No because our puppy was the only one to survive in the litter and the family honored their agreement with us and gave us the girl.   Now Im obviously attached.

Regardless, tonight I think Im gone until they move.  I knew this would be the toughest part but once they are gone and the constant stress is gone, I think Ill find myself in a better mood.   

To answer some questions, Xyzcf, I dont think her family (other than MIL) has given me a reason to remove them from my life.  My struggle is that I get sad thinking how my family has been blown up and my way of moving on has always been to go NC and cut off all sides.  Ive lost both my parents and have had to deal with some tough circumstances in life.  Im torn about it because you are right, they did nothing wrong to me.  But they arent my family.  I think I will end up choosing some middle ground. 

Well thanks for listening.  I often read this forum because I feel like it gives me a good idea of potential things to expect.  I know none of this is about me, but I just feel very bad for our son.  It breaks my heart how even at two I can see he wants to be with both of us at the same time.   Like this morning I picked him up to take him down stairs and he just kept angling to hug her while also not leaving me and wrapping his legs around me.  And I look over at her and shes just this dead-eyed zombie.  A husk of what she once was. 

Maybe its best not to dwell on that.  I took my son out the whole weekend and we have amazing times.  I bought him some stuff for his future room with me.  He loves airplanes so I got him an airplane comforter set and a little airplane tent where he can read.  While it sucks to lose the family I always wanted, I at the same time can see some light at the end here.  At the end, Ive now spent more than half S2's life dealing with this monster version of STBXW.  The family life I always wanted existed maybe for 9-10 months between when S2 was a newborn and before STBXW descended into chaos when he was a little over a year old.  S2 wont remember this horrible year and how awful it has been for me.  I am pretty certain once the move is done and I am no longer coming home to this awful situation the stress levels will drop and Ill feel better.  My work is going well.  I won a big case for my office last week.  And even though I am nowhere near ready to even think of it, it seems Im starting to draw interest from other women.  Thats a question for further into the future.   

Thanks all for listening.  I feel better now that Ive typed all that out.  And I also have to go into work soon so I get the excuse to leave the house.

[LBSinUSA]

Journaling again:

I read my last post and it seems sort of rambling.  I took the weekend and went to my sisters with the puppy and took care of her dog while she was out of town.  I didnt do anything other than take walks with the dogs and exercise.  I felt better and got a couple good nights sleep.  Last night though my sister came back and I did not sleep as well.

My aunt died on Saturday.  She was the last living relative from my grandparents generation so with her passing its kind of like a last goodbye to my own childhood.  She was 92 so it wasnt a shock.  I am glad she lasted as long as she did and got to meet S2. 

We went out a few weeks ago for lunch and I saw she wasnt doing well.  She wanted to know what was going on with STBXW.  I explained as best I could while not trying to blame anyone.  She was very sad and apparently later told my cousins how she worried for me and was upset for the whole situation.  It gave me comfort to know that she was very happy to see S2 and have lunch with him.  According to my cousins it was one of the best times shes had in a long time and was one of the last things she discussed with them. 

STBXW was in trying to keep in contact with me during the weekend and keep informed of my aunts status.  I was mostly unresponsive.  I didnt feel any desire to communicate with her about it nor do I want her around me.  I feel shes engaged in some form of cake eating as she gets set to leave.  She started texting my sister with photos of S2 from the weekend for the first time in a year and the last few weeks she will wait for me to come home and walk with me, the dogs and S2 like were family again.  She comes into the room in the morning and lies down next to me with S2.  It just makes me more sad though. 

S2 had his neurological appt today and I guess it was ok.  He was recommended to follow with a speech therapist but she did not think hes displaying behaviors showing hes on the spectrum.  STBXW took him to the appt and I joined by phone.  The stress of not knowing if something is off with him concerns me at times but Ive made a point over the last year to take him out to do all sorts of things and socialize with other kids.  I feel like MIL and STBXW were keeping him cooped up for awhile watching tv and not letting him outside.  For almost a year I felt like I heard "Oh its going to rain" or "He needs to eat soon" for why he couldnt do anything.  He really loves playing and joining other kids now and the Dr said that is the biggest issue they look for.

As far as the packing goes, Ive built up the upcoming week as probably the toughest time in my head.  Shes packed up most of the stuff and is leaving next weekend.  All the wedding stuff she has packed away too and is taking with her.  It makes me sad but I dont want to see any of it anyways.  Its just a painful reminder she was once a better person.

Some of her family is coming to help her move. I dont want to be there when this all happens.  Id rather come home to an empty house.  In all likelihood I am going to my sisters for the next week.  Ill even sacrifice time with my son if it means I dont have to be at that house anymore with STBXW.  I just dont think its good for me mentally. 

Im debating whether to thank MIL before they leave especially for being a good Grandma to S2.  She did pretty much take care of him of the first year or so until she got sick.  While she has become cruel and vindictive towards me I also feel that forgiveness might be better for me long term.  The truth is she doesnt have much time left and when they move, I dont think I will make any attempt to see her again.   it will likely be one of if not our last interaction and regardless of what she says, I will have kept to my own values and morals.  Thoughts on this?  I know its a personal question as to me and my boundaries but I like feedback.

I read the thread on Radical Acceptance and I think in my head Ive done something similar.  I am second guessing whether I should have just dealt with this all when I left the house in February and maybe Id be ahead in the grieving process.  But I came back mostly to set myself up legally and financially for whats to come.  Im not sure Im in a better spot financially (maybe a little) and legally it was a good idea should custody issues emerge. 

Thanks for listening.

PS- Is it odd to feel weird about commenting on other posts here?  Im new to the forum though I feel I am something like a year post BD now.  I dont know if my advice would be good or not or Im qualified to speak on anyone elses issues.  Frankly some of these stories are so gut wrenching and heartbreaking I feel like I have no right to offer advice.