[OffRoad]

What MadLuv said. People don't always know how to handle a person in the kind of pain an LBS can be in. Heck, WE can't always handle it and we know what we feel like.

Your mom seems like a peach /sarcasm. Sadly, I get that to a degree. The only way out is through. I also started to feel more normal at about 2 years (I had an 18 month live in, and could not heal at all while he was here). As you begin to heal yourself, people will notice and be more comfortable around you. It constantly amazes me how many people cannot stand to be out of their comfort zone.

As a note be careful of assuming people do x y or z because of a b or c. Your D might be distant because she feels useless, not because she doesn't know what to believe. Or because she feels bad about something. My S fills in his own thoughts and feelings and assumes things about me that are not true. I have to use a lot of extra words when I talk to him. I mean a whole lot. Never assume you are having the same conversation.

I am very sorry about your kitty. 20 years is a good life. The two new cats got very lucky you adopted them and I wish you all joy and happiness.

[AllieKat]

Thank you!! Im struggling as time gets closer. Im afraid he won’t come out of this or even to regret his decision to file before “D “ is final! Im still just as heartbroken a d confused as I was at BD in July. I haven’t heard from him at all and that is crazier part. We we’re inseparable prior so that makes it still hard. I guess I had hoped he’d start regretting it but it doesn’t appear so! I don’t find any hope in the “D” is just paper either.

[UrsaMajor]

Allie,

This is where doing your own work for healing and growth becomes so important. We can it in cute little catch-phrases like "Getting  Life" or "Living like they are not coming back" but that really is a velvet-covered way of saying that we (the LBS) needs to put the priority on themselves growing forward. We (the LBS) can not control what the Mid-Lifer is going to do and it is 99.95% of the time stuff that we would NEVER have thought them capable of doing but there they go doing it.

As far as the "D" being "just paper," that too is out of your control in terms of the Mid-Lifer. You get to decide how YOU want to consider it (the ultimate red line, a brick wall or just a "piece of paper.") but the Mid-Lifer also has their own will and their own choices to make. With those choices come consequences that they  (and ONLY they) can be responsible for, just like we (the LBS) are responsible for the consequences of our actions/choices.

You have as much of a chance of knowing whether he will "come out of it" or "regret his decisions" before his D is final as you of tasting green with your elbow and it is about the same usefulness to use your own precious energy and time letting his decision (which you have ZERO influence or control over) occupy your brain/life. He is going to do whatever it is he is going to do.

What concerns me/us is what are YOU going to do? How do YOU see yourself moving forward, growing, getting back on your feet and recovering YOUR equilibrium, regardless of what he does because, in the end, THAT is what truly matters - NOT what his decisions are, not what path he chooses to take. His actions and choices do not need to necessarily dictate YOUR actions / choices except as far as it goes to secure your own financial stability.

Last but not least, hope is one thing. Expectations are another. We can hope that the Mid-Lifer will someday pull their head out of their ..... fog.... but if we are expecting it, we are setting ourselves up for further disappointment in the event it doesn't happen. So hope for it, yes. Expect or wait for it? No.

AllieKat has better things to do with her life than to waste it sitting on her porch in a rocking chair surrounded by a pile of snotty tissues and crocheting lace doilies while waiting for her Mid-Lifer to finally "see the light," which may or may not ever happen.....

UM

[Treasur]

Im afraid he won’t come out of this or even to regret his decision to file before “D “ is final!

And he may not.
So, practically, painful as it is, you need to seek legal advice.
Plenty of us here ended up being divorced with little or no communication from a spouse with whom we were once just as close as you describe. That’s a very painful and rather bewildering thing, a bit crazy-making tbh.
But wishing it were different does not change how it is.

When people behave this way - and my xh was pretty much a vanisher after 20 years - it REALLY says nothing about you at all. It just says that this is their way of dealing with the situation they have made for themselves. To them, it either makes them feel better if they decide to blame you or they avoid something that might make them feel bad like talking to you and seeing your distress. It isn’t fair and it’s very cruel, but still not your fault.

Like most shocking and unwelcome things in life, you can get to the other side of it. There is a life worth having but it will just be very different than you imagined it would be. I’m not saying the hurt magically goes away but it becomes more possible to find ways to live round it. To find small pleasures and things to appreciate regardless.

Like your new felines. How are they doing?
Last night I was chuckling to myself bc my little cat Gracie decided that I had to stop trying to sew something bc she wanted to sleep with her head tucked under my chin. No idea why lol…just a cat thing. But it was a nice thing and I was grateful for her, even the annoying bits bc she is a bit of a cat diva! I was content…and that was unimaginable a few years ago post BD bc life was quite awful for quite a long time. It was hard to see a reason to keep going but someone asked me to borrow their faith that it would be even if I couldn’t see it then. And they were right. These are times to endure and survive even when you can’t see what the other side might look like. A lawyer can help ensure there is something to build with. A decent therapist can help you figure out how to keep moving forward step by step until you see it. I needed both and I suspect you might too bc this s$it is hard. Go see your lawyer even though it’s painful. And find a decent therapist if you don’t already have one. And when a day feels really dark, cuddle one of those kitties and listen to their purr - cats are very good at living well in the moment 😝

[AllieKat]

Ok I have a question please don’t beat me up too much! My husband recently changed his profile pic on fb. He hot fb in aug same month he filed. He had 9 friends for months till around Xmas then added more mostly co workers childhood/high school friends and military buddies. His profile is private but his profile pics are public. Why do mlcers use old photos? His first profile pic was one I sas in but he cropped me out! Than he put up new picture aftee few months. Than his Military photo when he was added his military buddies probably so they would recognize him. Recently he put up photo I took of him like 7 years ago on a date night axe throwing with his wedding ring showing. I figure he probably didn’t even notice ring on his finger in pic. He was very detail oriented before but who knows what he is now. Anyway my only thought was if he had a girlfriend I think she would notice the ring and not be thrilled about it. I feel like we notice stuff like that and she would probably say something and hed take it down and hmm I dunno maybe use a new picture with that smartphone you got!! Lol  thoughts?? Besides I’m crazy?

[MadLuv]

So is your question why he changed his FB profile to an old photo? Does it matter? It still just of him. I assume that is what was there in choices. Maybe he thought he looked good in it. It means nothing. You’re not crazy. You are however looking for anything to tell you where he is and that’s a fools game right now.  Nothing he does means anything. He is trying to find himself in this new life he thinks he needs. He is just doing whatever, but there is nothing to read into a profile pic change. You cant figure put where he is. He doesn’t know himself, unfortunately

[AllieKat]

I just wondered if it was weird he used a pic with his ring on when hes running from marriage and divorcing me! I guess I was looking for hope my thinking was right in maybe he isbt with someone or he would not of used that photo. Not that he is paying attention but I think most women would not like their men posting a photo with his wedding ring on.

[AllieKat]

He also has a instagram where it says rebuilding…

[UrsaMajor]

I just wondered if it was weird he used a pic with his ring on when hes running from marriage and divorcing me! I guess I was looking for hope my thinking was right in maybe he is not with someone or he would not of used that photo. Not that he is paying attention but I think most women would not like their men posting a photo with his wedding ring on.

How does that green taste after dipping your elbow in it?

MadLuv is correct in this regard.....

So is your question why he changed his FB profile to an old photo? Does it matter? It still just of him. I assume that is what was there in choices. Maybe he thought he looked good in it. It means nothing. You’re not crazy. You are however looking for anything to tell you where he is and that’s a fools game right now.  Nothing he does means anything. He is trying to find himself in this new life he thinks he needs. He is just doing whatever, but there is nothing to read into a profile pic change. You can't figure out where he is. He doesn’t know himself, unfortunately

[Reinventing]

Alliekat,

Agree with Madluv and Ursa. We know what it is like to be looking for any sign, believe us we do. We have been there and with hindsight have come to appreciate that the MLCer, especially at the beginning, is very very unstable.

That is why we advocate that you don't hook your wellbeing to a ship listing at sea, then storming full ahead in one direction, then another, then listing again, and then full steam in yet another direction.

You have had the rug pulled out from underneath you and are in extreme pain. Instead of focusing on him, we are advocating for you to find stability by focusing on you. What helps you feel calm? Do more of that. What sends you into a rabbit hole and focused on him? Do less of that.

A stable you is better for you and also better for reconciliation if that happens. The damage has already been done, there is no going "back". So go forward with focusing on getting you as healthy (physically, emotionally, and financially) as possible. You're going to need that no matter what happens.