[Flummoxed]

xyzcf:

Thank you so much for sharing your slinky analogy! I love it- you were so right. The day after my last post I definitely felt a pull back. But it's nice to know that that doesn't mean I'm falling all the way back. It's just a little bounce back as I make my way forward.

  Yeah, I definitely wouldn't be stepping in any grass if there were potential snakes either- yikes! 100%- I'm looking forward to spending time outside today and recentering. Thank you so much for sharing the vagus nerve reset! I tried it a couple of times, but I haven't gotten the hang of it yet. However, I'm excited to add the technique to my toolbelt and will keep trying.

Yeah, I think the gym was a very ambitious goal to set at the time. But walks are doable now, so that is exciting. I love yoga nidra! Thank you so much for sharing the link with me- I will give it a try. I've tried a few by Ally Boothroyd on YouTube, albeit before BD2, and highly recommend those as well. Such a great way to fall asleep.

Oh my goodness, sending virtual pats to your lab! What a sweetheart; I am so happy for you. I love dogs as well though was never in a position to get one before. Maybe someday when I am in a more solid space.

I'm definitely impatient- I just want to be fine again. Not like I was completely fine before, but I was what feels like further along than I am now. But, you're right; I have to just remind myself that this is now and that was then. Comparison is the thief of joy. I will have to remember to keep trucking along with determination and be ok with the small steps forward- embrace my inner tortoise!

Journaling:

I conducted a deep dive into the archives and came across lawprofessor's old posts. At first I wanted to learn more about J's journey, to better understand the MLCer mindset (all full knowing I need to turn my attention inward). But then I read more about FOO issues and parallel journeys. And, of course, these items are touched on in Hearts Blessing's book, but I feel like LP's words really stuck with me. So I had a bit of a think and dug into my memory to try to see if I could find any patterns.

H and I both have siblings that required a lot of support as children and continue to require support to this day. Both our fathers were generally absent; I am sure they were just both working hard. His father did bond with the kids during time off, though my dad is another story for another time. Lots to unpack there through IC; lucky me.

Although our mothers were our primary parent, as they were largely busy with work and the other sibling, we both fundamentally had to raise ourselves. That being said, his mom is a typical boy mom where her son can do no wrong. She even said as much to my mom on our wedding day; I only learned about this recently, and although shocked am not surprised. He wouldn't have to do a thing at home- everything would be handled by her. To me, it feels as though there are no boundaries in place.

My mom, who I love wholeheartedly, did not have the bandwidth to take on two kids. She was a single parent and I saw her struggle, so I did my best to pick up the slack to lessen her stress. From an early age, I took on more and more, having to grow up faster than I really should have. I became more of a friend than a dependent. I love her to pieces, but my mom has a habit of helping every person she meets who seems to  need a little support. And until I collapsed from BD2, her focus went from child to child, focusing all her efforts outside without really ever turning around to check on her kid that went without.

Referencing LP's words, I think it really was the build of the perfect storm. The pandemic hit and we moved across the country to his parents' place to help them out. I could feel him regressing in the months we were there- he went from a previously independent man to an overgrown teen. He'd leave his used dishes by the sink and wouldn't care for the house unless asked directly by his parent to complete a chore. He just dove into his laptop for hours on end, on and off work hours, and no one questioned it. But I could see the change.

Eventually, we moved to a nearby city, thankful to have our own space again. However, I noticed he did not bounce back to his previous levels of independence. He carried on with the new status quo and allocated his time to either work or the support of his local friends (I was relegated to last priority). And me, with my history, began picking up the slack to lessen the stress. And we continued on this trend for at least a year with resentment starting to build from both sides. I was getting frustrated by having to take on the load of two people and getting barely a thanks as acknowledgement. He was getting frustrated that our intimacy was decreasing (because who would want to sleep with someone when they feel like a mother, maid, and hole?). He dove deeper into work/"work" and friends, while I continued to manage our lives as if on autopilot. We were both getting frustrated, but I think we both felt the other should change.

The depression/anger stage began shortly after and I think the rest is history. After BD1, I dove into self-help and listened to everything Brene Brown had published. I realized I hadn't enforced boundaries of my own; I just did everything I did in the name of compromise for the relationship. But somewhere along the way, I had lost myself. So I started enforcing boundaries, being kinder to myself, and finding joy in my life. He was still at home back then and when he came back from his trips, I think he saw a happier me. Who knows, but I'd like to think so.

Granted, BD2 was a shot to the heart. But I've found a trauma IC to work with and I'm looking forward to unpacking my FOO issues, learning how to hone and strengthen my boundaries, and resolve my codependent tendencies once and for all.

I'm scared of aftershocks of monster, but I am looking forward to developing the tools to hold my own and grow from this experience.

Thanks for listening.

[Flummoxed]

Finally felt anger. And it felt really firetrucking good. To processing!

[Flummoxed]

Does anyone have any tips on thought switching? I feel like no matter what, I keep thinking about this subject and I would really like to focus on centering my mind on the activity I’m engaged in. Meditation has seemed to work for brief periods of time, but any other recommendations that have worked for you all? Thanks!

[Treasur]

I found counting backwards was surprisingly helpful (uses a different bit of the brain). I also picked up some old hobbies like embroidery and knitting that needed the attention of my eyes and hands. Listened to a lot of podcasts too on things like history and scientific subjects that were engaging enough to take some of my mental attention.

In a more immediate way, the most effective in the moment thing I found was to physically move my body to move my mindset. I’d just get up and go for a walk or dance in the kitchen or clean a toilet….anything that just involves moving my body really. 😝

[Flummoxed]

Treasur:

Thank you so much for sharing! I’m going to try it all- I’m definitely getting sucked into thinking about this way too much and just need to stay truly occupied. Maybe I need to start scheduling out my days so I’m always on the move.

Kind of a random question, but have you experienced some of your things going missing after BD? I’ve noticed small things of mine have been turning up lost- I’m pretty organized so I don’t believe they’ve been misplaced. I tried to ask H back then, but he denied knowing anything- I now know he can’t be trusted. I’m not sure if it’s a mind game or something… as you can see, I’m getting quite tired of this. I just want to get back to some kind of “normal”.

[BurnedBridge]

Hi Flummoxed,

A thing that has really helped me is the 5,4,3,2,1 technique which is more about grounding yourself in the moment instead of getting carried away with thoughts.

Identify 5 things you see around you
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste

It is meant to bring you back to the present moment. Also, something that really helped me was scheduling time to worry. Basically setting an alarm every day at a particular time and giving yourself 15 minutes or more to worry about anything you feel you want to worry about. Then after that time is done, if you feel a worry or thought come on, you can say, "I'll worry about that during my worry time".

I'm right there with you, though. This subject has taken over. I've tried to give myself grace and hopefully you are doing the same because this is traumatizing and incredibly confusing to go through. Our worlds get shaken up, one person walks away different than we remember them but like nothing happened meanwhile we are still our same selves on wobbly legs not knowing which way is up. It is a theft of your reality.

Maybe dive into a hobby you really enjoy that you find you zone everything out during. Drawing is one of those things for me.

[Flummoxed]

BurnedBridge:

Oh my goodness, thank you so much for sharing these with me as well! I will be adding them to my arsenal. Especially setting a designated time to worry and research- I definitely get sucked down the rabbit hole but by setting limits, I can bring myself to think and do other things (hopefully)! I love it- thank you again.

That’s exactly it! And it leaves you questioning if anything was real. I mean, nothing is ever perfect, but it was still something great… I think? Which then triggers a spiral and more research. *Sigh*

I’ve been coloring! I tried to draw as well but my mind was just blank outside of positive affirmations and advice. Maybe I’ll start making amigurumi again-  my nieces will get a kick out of that. I’ll give reading another go as well- attempt to get lost in fiction.

I had taken some notes when he wanted some space- I wanted a place to put down my questions and feelings during a time of no contact.  Just about a year ago, about 7 months after BD, he had told me his greatest fear was losing me. And I didn’t get it at the time because the AD wasn’t out in the open and I didn’t know much about MLC at the time- I thought he just needed time to get his mind right. So now my mind is spinning wondering if this was a lie to keep me hooked or if this was the real him in the midst of it all trying to make a connection before getting lost again. I really want to think it’s the latter, but I understand I may never know. I have a feeling he’s finally into the darker parts of the tunnel now and the rest is up to a higher power.

[Flummoxed]

lol maybe it was never real. I’m spiraling, all. Off to further distract. I don’t know how ya’ll do it- this is madness.

[Flummoxed]

I spoke with a friend today, working through the issue. He advised I just take the actions at face value, that H has been an @$$hole, and move forward accordingly. And I think he’s right. Because, as much as I would love to believe this is MLC, as much as I see him following the script, that doesn’t change the reality of the situation that I find myself in now. I have to pull myself up, fight my way back to the forefront, and live my life for me.

And I know this advice has been shared a million times in this forum, but for some reason I think the way it was delivered this time really hit. At least, here’s to hoping. So I’ll be taking longer steps away to just focus on myself- will be sharing periodic updates as I can. At this time though, it looks like I’ve got a Vanisher and who knows if he’ll ever come back around.

Sending much love and hope for you all. You all have been nothing but a source of light and love and I send nothing but positivity and faith your way. Thank you for being such an amazing group; I do hope things get better and better with just a smidge more time.

[Treasur]

I must admit that I found this lens on what happened, practically speaking, worked for me too. Eventually lol bc it took me much longer than you to see that the reality of the What was not changed by my exhausting earnest speculation about the Why.

That’s not a ‘good news’ take so it makes me careful in my posts to newbies tbh. Again jmo but I think the value of MLC as a Why was not about what had happened or even was happening, or was going to happen next, was more about finding a shorthand to explain things I just found inexplicable without losing my marbles! And I think to underly the principle that, whatever the cause, it really had very little to do with me and I had very little effect  on (or responsibility for) my former h’s actions. Bc it really was a very strange and painful life experience.

On your question of what was real. Or not. (And most LBS spend time circling round that one, it’s normal). Again jmo, but my best take ended up being a percentages game. My 50% of our relationship was real.. I felt what I felt and I did not imagine the relationship as I experienced it. It was real to me and I was real in it. The 50% that was my husband? Well, I can’t know that but rationally the answer probably lies in the middle somewhere. Bc I am not delusional and I didn’t imagine a fantasy h for twenty years lol, not did anyone else who knew us. At the same time - which is why imho direct and indirect lies are so corrosive not the easy escapes that MLC types seem to treat them as - what was real to me must have been part but not all of the truth of my then h. Bc if he had loved and respected and valued me as I believed he did, he simply would not have been able to do some of the things he did in the way he did it. I could not have done them to him certainly even when his behaviour was awful. So let’s say 25% of his 50% was real, maybe on a declining scale over time from 50% to 1% post BD? If I play with the maths, that probably evens out at something like 20% overall of his 50% so about 70% real overall including his reality and mine say.

And 70% is not nothing, is it?
I think MLC types create a narrative of 0% to themselves and maybe others to justify their behaviour. They use words like never and always. They blame us for things that are normal human failings while avoiding owning their own rather more dramatic contributions to the end of their marriages. To seemingly expect perfection while being extraordinarily imperfect themselves. Largely I think bc that is how they make it feel comfortable to do what they do and how they sell themselves in a new relationship. It becomes their truth probably but that does not make it THE truth. Bc the alternative is messier and sadder and harder, not so shiny at all and not so absolute.

Which is why I think it’s important for LBS to not rush to embrace the same extremes in judging their own past reality but to let it unfold for them over time. To reach their own instinctive judgement about what was real to/for them until it wasn’t as part of finding some kind of acceptance about where you are now.  Bc that reclaims your right to own your own past life, doesn’t it, and that can feel terribly important in one’s own recovery.

Imho it is self evident that my xh did not love and value me in the way I thought he did or in how he looked like he did for twenty years. That perhaps even what we mean by ‘love’ is different. But I am not stupid and I am not delusional so I am confident (now lol) that I did not create an imaginary life and marriage. And I would have felt rather blessed to have been loved as I loved my h, so if that’s true, it’s a big loss for both of us even at 70%ish. But it was his choice to discard it all, and even if owife is a goddess of perfection, those twenty years can’t be recreated for either of us. And my former h took his mindset on these things with him into his new life, for good or ill. But that does not mean I have to carry it with me into mine.  I refuse to throw my version of the baby out with the bath water just bc he did 😝