[Helpnewc]

Thanks Ready,

It is so odd. I pushed and the girls rang me today when they came home after I pushed and asked if there was an issue with service still. It felt a bit cheeky but I have had it.

It was lovely to talk to them. It is clear they are worried about their mum and that is why they don’t contact me. They said they missed me.

She lectured me about how nice it was not to hear from me and have messages that make her feel terrible. The lack of any accountability is extraordinary and I just said I did not think make was terrible just mistaken about our marriage.


Obviously, on some level they do know what they are doing is terrible but they need to run run run.

[Helpnewc]

It is nice to be home. To sit with the cat. To trim some hedges.

And to realise that the madness that has descended upon you can simply be checked out from. It is such a journey to let go. To realise that the story that is now being told is untrue but immovable. It is quite challenging to let go of rationality and to realise that when your wife says the sky is purple no amount of discussion will turn it to blue. Indeed, in arguing the toss you must prove to your wife you are the controlling, non listening monster they desire.


The what the moments are powerful. My youngest has a disorder that has some cosmetic surgery done when she is 8. She is now 7.5. I have been speaking to her about it and she is not keen but I thought we should go to the specialist clinic so she can make an informed decision.


When she was 4, my wife was worried about her going to school and being bullied. She found some crack pot surgeon who would do it when she was four. It was a really difficult conversation as she was being a loving mum but medically it was too soon. She really got angry with me about it when I suggested we should delay.

Anyway, today she denied that she had ever wanted to have the surgery. She said I had categorically lied to her in suggesting that she had wanted it.

In a way, it was a kindness as it made me realise she is not all there. But it is disconcerting and I was grateful for my journal that confirmed I was not misremembering a difficult time.


But saying goodbye to the person you loved is really hard when the body they inhabited is still alive. But she is not there. And there is still the rage even though she has left, got the money and most of the kids.

It does tell me that it is not me. There is something wrong. There is also no will to look at yourself and all the problems are external. It is terribly sad but the advice to withdraw, look after yourself and leave them to the crisis is very sound.

And as hard as it is, it does take a very long time. I railed against the time lines of 5 to 7 years. But I am 2.5 years in and we are in a milder replay (or running away) but it is still going on.  And the hardest part there is nothing I can do.

Nothing but look after myself. Realise it is who she is right now and look after myself.

I am not ready to give up hope. But perhaps there is a more neutral position of just getting on with things. But it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I accept I have probably also been a bit mad at times but this person has a very low capability to deal with the real world.

[amazinglove]

“But saying goodbye to the person you loved is really hard when the body they inhabited is still alive. But she is not there.”
— I felt this in my soul. Thank you for saying that,
As awful as this is it is comforting to know that we are not alone in this. In addition to alll that you said- My H seems to have mentally deteriorated too: spelling words wrong/ becoming overly angry and irrational with anyone and everyone/ forgetting every single conversation - genuinely surprised to hear things he’s been told 2 or 3 times before.
I don’t know how that piece fits with their change in character but it’s there at least in my case. I wonder if you (or others) have seen that too?

[Baxter1]

H-

I’m glad you are not giving up hope. I agree, it’s like a shell of who they were. I get an occasional glimpse of the original her, then a couple days later monster comes out. It is nice to have milder replay. Mine is home now, this time a year ago she would have been gone for days.

Keep on keeping on, Happy New Year 2025

[forthetrees]

Your words:  But saying goodbye to the person you loved is really hard when the body they inhabited is still alive. But she is not there. And there is still the rage even though she has left,...

This so true. I just don´t get the rage part bc they have gotten what they want- to ditch the spouse and yet their anger carries on. I am relieved that you now see that it isn´t you but oh my it takes so long to reach that point. Not saying that the LBS has no flaws but am saying that the LBS flaws do not rise to the level of meriting this situation.

Even though time is a human invention, take advantage of the psychological space for a new start in 2025 and allow it to be a year of healing and growth.

[xyzcf]

The beauty of this website is that we can all relate to what you are saying. Somehow, it comforted me to read other's talk about the complete change in the person they loved and also, even though we could see this change as being real, how difficult it was to actually accept this new reality.

It's not fair....you have children and are not given the chance to be involved much in parenting them...all this loss, loss of spouse, of family of time with our children destroying what was once a good life, one that we enjoyed and loved.

Yet, we must move beyond but we are also allowed to grieve what we lost...for as long as that takes.

I used to think that if they could change so drastically and so suddenly into this new persona, that they could also change back...I did not think it could be "permanent" so there was always hope for the person he was to return. Eventually I was able to accept that this is who he is now and in my case, am fortunate that we remain in contact and can have family time together.

The healing for me came when it was recognized that I was suffering from "trauma"..our whole lives were blown apart and we did not get any say in any of it...so it is reasonable to look at PTSD as a possibility of the awful feelings that we have as much as we try to move forward.

A  therapist that specializes in treating trauma is what I needed to become "unstuck" and to feel joy again...for many years I knew what joy was but could not feel it.

Continue to share your thoughts and feelings here..in this strange cyber world, you are among friends.

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Amazing,

Yes, she is quite low functioning. But it tends to be compartmentalised and mainly be with me. She manages better at work and has reconnected with her family. They have been forced to support her as she was cutting them off. But she forgets things. And I have asked four times and then she drops off the wrong thing.

Xycf, I agree. I spent ages thinking she ‘was in there somewhere” but I have come to realise that is no longer the case. I don’t think it happened as quickly as it appeared. I think she withdrew, internalised, started to view me in a way and this new person grew internally and developed up until bomb drop. I think that is why she finds it so difficult when  I do things that are kind and demonstrably do not fit with the story that is being told about me. I do believe that she knows what she is doing is wrong in some level and that it makes it hard for her.


So that is why she runs. Facing it all is too hard. It is easier to run from your husband or partner. But the problem is it isn’t. The problems are still there.


Which is why I agree that the best theory is to let them get on with it. Most won’t come back because of pride and shame and the damage they have caused. But any intervention by you is a waste of time. There is nothing rational going on.


And I also accept that I have been irrational in my love for wife. But I have decided to be rational and just focus on getting things right so I can get my kids as much as possible and create a stable life for them.


But how I wish she had not withdrawn, created this version of me and talked to me about how she was feeling.  Unscrambling an egg is a hopeless task.

But trying to understand it does not make it easier. Acceptance is the key.

[Helpnewc]

And Baxter, hope you are doing a bit better since you moved out.

I find it harder but easier.

Help

[Flummoxed]

I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing your updates- they are so relatable. It truly is such a journey letting go, to accept that the person we loved is not operating the physical body we associate with them. So thankful for this forum and for reading updates from folks going through the same thing. You’re doing brilliantly.

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Flummoxed.

I do not feel like I am doing well really. But slowly I am realising this strange existence of handovers and counting days is our how my life will be.

I over 2.5 years later I am still in shock. And that anyone would choose this life rather than work on repair is still difficult to comprehend.

But I just accept it and make the best of it.