[Biscuit]

The school fete today was really good too.
We hung out as a family again with our friends that are parents at d13’s school for a few hours then I brought MIL home and went out for a friends birthday.
Again, effortless really.
I’m not sure if should bring up with W where this is going or just leave that conversation for another time as I don’t want to jinx what has been great progress recently

[Helpnewc]

Biscuit,

I am nowhere near where you are so I can’t help. My wife is still stuck in limerance and thinking I am the devil.

My gut would be to keep building and let her raise it with you.

Help

[UrsaMajor]

I’m not sure if should bring up with W where this is going or just leave that conversation for another time as I don’t want to jinx what has been great progress recently

You sure you wanna do that?

[Biscuit]

proper lolling at that UM

[KayDee]

It's hard to answer this without knowing more details B. Is there a 'mood music' that she wants more? From what you have written in the past, it seems like you have a friendly and warm relationship. I have that with my friends - male and female - and am not looking for mmore. I know it is different, as you have had a past relationship and have kids, but it may be that you are her safe zone because of this. In fact, I think you are her safe zone. But she is not yours at this time, and that involves some sacrifice from you. How long will you be able to do that? In your shoes, I would want to know the same. 

That's the difficulty of looking at things through an MLC lens I suppose - one way or another, we blame the depression. We hope they will come out of 'it'. Subconsciously, we may be waiting for something. I am not saying your W didn't have a major episode, but you can only really deal with what's in front of you now.  I know this is not a particularly helpful answer. I guess only you can decide if you wish to keep the ship steady and wait for something more definite from your W.

Hypothetically, how do you think she would react if you decided to date?

[Biscuit]

Thanks KD,

Yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I'm definitely her safety - she knows she can rely on me 100 percent in all aspects and I do not have that with her at all.
The mood is changing, very slowly, she is opening up more (but not talking about anything that happened when MLC whirlwind was in full flow).

I think, but obviously this is a guess, that she would be gutted if I decided to date. But you never know, she may feel relieved - or any other feeling. But my gut says she would be upset.

B

[OffRoad]

My thought is trying  to have a "conversation" would be construed as pressure, so not probably a good idea. I agree with Helpnewc, let it ride and if she wants to bring it up, listen a lot. Otherwise. Don't go there.  IMO. 

[Biscuit]

Wow, I just read Baxter's post and thought I haven't updated in a while - but I can't believe it was last July when I did!

So, what to report? I suppose probably loads, but really to summarise the trajectory has been continuing as it was for the last couple of years. We text many times daily, speak most days, and W is, very very slowly, becoming more recognisable as the person she was before this all started a little over 4 years ago. She treats me with great respect, never monsters at me, and often will ask my opinion or advice - and actually listens quite a lot to what I have to say.
She lost her dad at the end of last year, it was very traumatic for her, but she did get to spend his last days with him, for which he and she were thankful. She was already softening with me, but I think that was maybe a bit of a sea change in her. We haven't spoken about the awful crisis times at all yet, I don't think she's ready yet, but there has been some gratitude for my constant and continued support through all this.
Our kids are doing well, they have a good relationship with their mum, and with me too. They are 19 and 13 now and our son has started working with me, which is wonderful as I get to see him almost everyday and hopefully steer him in the right direction both personally and professionally. D13 and I have had a few tough times in the last year, but I'll put most of that down to adolescence rather than anything else.
The 4 of us spend time together, and it's pretty good and fairly easy for us all, and I think it's beneficial to the kids to see that we are all still a family, despite the tough times we have had.
Personally, I'm good. My work has been very good in the last year or so, dream projects, lots of success and lots of fun times with my work crew. I've continued to have a really good life outside of work - my social life is full, I have lots of friends and fun stuff to do in my life.

All in all I'd say I've made the best of a very hard and bad situation - which wasn't of my making. And I'm proud of the way I've handled myself throughout, I've maintained my positivity and sense of humour - which is something! Ha.
No dating, I'm just not interested - it takes a long time to get over something like this - and it would have to be someone incredibly special to tempt me back into a relationship - and even then I'm not sure that's what I want.
Anyway, I'll try and not leave it another 8 months before another update! lol

[Helpnewc]

Biscuit, great update. I love that you are able to spend time with each other.

My daughters really struggle with our 60/40 arrangement. They worry about the parent they are not with even though it is not their job.

I really struggle with who chooses this but I recognise that my ex-wife had this overwhelming desire to run. She genuinely felt trapped and unheard. You learn through this journey that you can’t change how others think and truth is hard to nail down.

It is great to read you are doing so well. I admire your ability to hang in there and remain friends with your mid lifer. I have none of that.

[xyzcf]

Hi Biscuit,

It takes so long..much longer than we once thought...I remember in 2009 being told on Hero's Spouse that it could take 2-3 years and I freaked out by that..little did I know.

Something is wrong with them. They leave, they do all kinds of crazy things but they remain connected to us...and there in is the difficulty...because we have "hope" that one day we shall see them again as our beloved spouse.

So few actually see that....many LBSers make the decision to close the door..and sometimes this is the best decision for that individual.

But there are others who kept the door open and that is hard and heartbreaking at time.....but inside ourselves, it's really the only thing that we can do.

As for dating, I have never felt that I wanted to date...now that he has died, I would be open to finding love again..indeed I yearn to love and be loved after so many years...but....that doesn't seem possible.....the world has changed, I am leery of all the romantic scams and it seems that meeting someone is done via dating apps..I guess I am old school as there wasn't such a thing many many years ago when I was dating, before I was married.

Right now, I feel incredibly alone since he died...as there was always contact between us. Family times together and of course the intensity of the last 6 months of his life. I am surprised by this feeling so "alone" since I had lived alone for many years but this is what it is.

You have done well, you continue to grow, to experience life, have a good social network and are a good dad and support to your wife.

My therapist told me....I am always going to be the one who gets to choose, to have the final say....I knew that at any time I could shut the door on him...but, my heart always stopped me...and love prevailed. I knew that there was something wrong with him and was always grateful that I was not going through what he went through...for I did not see that he "found" what he was looking for...and somehow, he decided that what he had been looking for, had always been right here.

I don't regret how I made the choice to continue to love him as I continued to take care of myself. I created a good life and am in the process of finding that again.

Good luck and do continue to post..and do continue to live life to the fullest!