[Flummoxed]

Thank you, xyzcf and Couragedearheart! 💗

xyzcf, I’m experiencing a very similar response 😂 but that’s exciting about Novavax! I hope you have a better experience with it as well- I’ll give it a shot next year! (Hehe puns.)

Courage, you’re right- I need to sit with it and experience it to process and grow. It’s been a habit of mine to tuck the discomfort away to sort out later and triage the issue at hand. So my “rational” brain is thinking “well, I know my worth and in his state he clearly doesn’t. Time to move on!”, which triggered the whole “To hell with my stand, I’m standing up for me!” post.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience with uncertainty. I’m going to have to take some time to unpack it and really deep dive.  From a preliminary perspective, I think my need to push my way out of the discomfort and uncertainty is to forge a path forward out of the muck. I don’t want to feel like he has any kind of control over me anymore. I don’t like that I still have love for a person who isn’t capable of showing love back to me; it makes me feel a bit of a fool. And feeling like I am moving forward with my life, with a sense of purpose, totally free feels intoxicating- but also a little silly now that I’ve written it out because emotions don’t work like that. It’s my own rendition of running behavior, isn’t it? (facepalm)

Let it be messy, and incomplete, and uncomfortable. Allow this moment and the next to be what it is.
One of the best things my friend told me when I was panicking about an overwhelming situation was that discomfort doesn’t always mean you did something wrong, growth is uncomfortable.

I love this- thank you for sharing. 100%- growth is uncomfortable. I’m learning to embrace living as my authentic self and it’s weird and hard but it’s also incredibly satisfying when I don’t hold back. It’s like I’m connecting with the world in a brand new way, if that makes any sense? As a recovering perfectionist, the “messy, incomplete, and uncomfortable” are a bit daunting  but also experiences to be lived through and embraced for what they are. Just need to remind myself once in a while.

[Reinventing]

Flummoxed,

As you mull this all over, one part I think most will agree with is that "I'm going to stand for me" is a good idea.

You can only control yourself. And you have this time as you heal. So stand up for you and put energy, time, and effort into things you can control.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Reinventing 💗 100%- it’s just scary to be in a place where you feel so close to throwing in the towel. And so early, honestly. I’ll absolutely move forward with focusing on myself and my growth and healing.

I guess I’m having a hard time remembering this isn’t personal. To have empathy. Because it’s really hard to remember they’re struggling when the blame is only on you. My MLCer, from my understanding, has only cut me out of his life. He doesn’t seem to have an issue with anyone else. He’s severed all he can aside from legal ties, and that’s just as of writing this. I’m just tired.

[zartheit]

I don’t like that I still have love for a person who isn’t capable of showing love back to me; it makes me feel a bit of a fool.

I can really relate to this. I felt like the biggest chump in the world. I found that being unkind to myself didn't dissolve my love and only added to my burden. It was, however, part of my process. I would crave release and hunt around for external means of obtaining it so I need to forget her, I need to hate her, I need her back. I would bounce around the entire spectrum and then I saw that even by experiencing all of those aspects I was ok. There was space for all of it. I shrunk myself to fit into each of those little crevices like a hermit crab. Was this shell my home? Maybe this one? But I'm so much more than just that longing, that hurt, that compassion, that confusion. I can be all of them and am diminished by none of them.

[Flummoxed]

This is really beautiful, zartheit; thank you so much for sharing. This is so incredibly true. I fear I’m still sifting through shells. But one day!

[Flummoxed]

I was facilitating a meeting today when it hit me- I have made progress in the past three months since BD2. Yes, I still cycle- the distance makes it harder for me to remember the MLC context behind current events. But I thought I’d take a moment to document improvements that I see and that I am thankful for:

• No more panic attacks during meetings.
• No more feeling like I’ve been shot point blank in the chest. Today, it feels like a bit of an emotional bruise- it really only hurts if I push it.
• I’ve gotten a stronger handle on my racing thoughts. Not complete control yet, but I’m better able to redirect and my ability to focus my attention has increased exponentially.
• I’ve started expanding outside my comfort zone to learn that I’ve been the one holding myself back from being all I can be. And magical things can happen when I stop.
• I’m thankful to have plans with loved ones, weekends booked solid, for the next five weeks. And I have backup plans should they fall through.
• I’m able to sing holiday jingles without feeling down… I’m able to sing period.
• I’m making progress with sitting with my emotions, feeling them, and letting them go. Punching pillows has been my latest saving grace.
• Making plans for my birthday didn’t bring me down- I enjoyed the brainstorm of how I’m going to treat myself.
• I’m ultimately thankful when I don’t hear from my MLCer (at least for the time being). I had inadvertently let him cake-eat for a year and a half; it’s time for him to see what it’s like without me there to catch him. I still get anxious, but I really am working hard on reframing my perspective to believe this is for the best. Like he’s focusing on himself, I need to focus on me.

[Baxter1]

That last part sounds right…I need to focus on me.
Great Update!

[Flummoxed]

You’ve got this, Baxter1! It truly is one day at a time, and sometimes minute by minute, but we course correct until it’s a habit!

Trying to take more time between entries, but just wanted to share a couple of things that I found via Reddit that have been proving to be quite handy during this recovery process:

• Think of the things you really appreciated about your partner and try to bring that in to your relationship with yourself. For example, I loved my STBXH’s playfulness. So I’m doing the best I can to bring more play into my life- no judgement, just silliness and joy. I think it’s even doing a lot of good for my inner child too so win-win.
• When listening to a love song (and if you know the lyrics), sing it to yourself. It actually does make you smile and feel appreciated, showing yourself that love.

Little things that have brought joy to me this week- I hope they bring joy to yours too. Hang in there and stay warm, all! 💗

[Reinventing]

Flummoxed, I really like both of those. Thanks for sharing.

[Flummoxed]

Of course, Reinventing! 

Journaling:

Not much to report from my end, but trying to stick to weekly posts unless more frequent touch bases are needed. You never know, but I also don't want to hook onto the forum too tightly- I know I'm supposed to be GAL-ing at present and I intend to do so!

I had a trial dogsitting run yesterday and we had a great time together. I'm even more inclined to foster or even adopt my own at this point. He got me out of the house and we went for a fantastic walk. He took in the new sights and smells and tried to make new friends- sharing reminders that I should very much be doing the same. He curled right up next to me until my friend came to pick him up. He's a sweet little guy; I didn't realize I'd feel so lonely after just a couple of hours with him. I don't know if that's a sign I should unpack and address that first or if I should leap into adding a pup to my life. Probably the unpacking bit, huh?

I'm feeling a bit more on edge today, but can't say why. I'll meditate in a bit- that usually helps. But I bought some flowers, some new paint, and a book on building resiliency by getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. I forget how loving used book stores can feel- I used to sit for hours in the fiction stacks but I couldn't bring myself to explore any novels this time around. I'm still not there yet. The only sections I felt comfortable reviewing were the self-help, philosophy, and cooking ones. Time, time, time. I had every intention of picking up a beach read novel for my upcoming plans but I just wasn't feeling it yet. Maybe I'll grab one later in the week.

I'm meeting an old friend for dinner today. I haven't seen her since my bridal shower, so it's been a while. She's a sweetheart, but I'm still somewhat in that stage of forcing myself to do things even when I just want to stay home. Because that's truly the alternative- staying at home and doing what I have been doing. So even though I'm grumbling, I'm going to eventually get up, get ready, and have an actually fantastic time with a dear, dear friend.

No updates from the MLCer side of things, for which I am thankful. Cook away, cook away. I know this may be the initial calm period after the MLCer has made their choice, but I am still thankful for the breather.

Before BD2, he was seeing a therapist. I wasn't sure if it was the truth or a lie, but he did admit to a third party (of course, not to me) that he was speaking to someone and they started targeting his FOO issues; he finally learned that he was allowed to have needs as a member of his family. Which is probably why none of our previous talks about boundaries or sticking up for himself clicked- he truly did not believe he was allowed to have needs. He just went ahead and behaved subserviently toward his family (and likely others given that it all stems from the FOO) to his constant detriment. It truly breaks my heart, that he lived his whole life thinking that's how he had to live to be loved and accepted. But I am thankful he finally was in a place to open his eyes and learn this about himself. Since his move back to our property, he's had to find a new therapist. I believe he is looking, though it's impossible to know for sure if he's found one and is still going. I sincerely hope he has found one, a good one, and is going routinely. Although it won't be the end all be all, I feel like it can only help if he's in a place to be diving in so deep.

I feel like I have my work cut out for me on my end: GAL-ing, addressing my issues with codependency, and strengthening my self-trust. It takes time for habits to develop and muscles to grow, but I'm excited. Every step is a conscious one, and I keep veering away, but what I keep learning from various places in my life is to stay present and be patient. There is no need to rush. Everything will work out once you trust and let go.

I'm slowly getting rid of all my furniture from the old apartment; thankfully, work is reimbursing my replacement office furniture costs. I'll be trading in my guitar soon too- it had gone missing for months and I'd rather not wonder whenever I play. I'm doing my best to stay budget-conscious, but I did make a couple of updates to my wardrobe since I'll be out on the town more. Workout clothes and sweats aren't going to cut it anymore. And I do plan to start running again- I have a 10K fun run in a couple of months to look forward to.

Oh, by the way, I found my first white hair yesterday. There is no premature greying in my family (that I'm aware of), so I'm attributing it directly to stress and this MLC experience (likely BD2 by the length). When asked what X-Men character was my favorite, I'd always picked Rogue but I didn't mean it in this way. I'm taking this as a sign to up my self-care practices: increase the meditation, the yoga, and the epsom salt baths. More dancing, more walks outside, more taking in nature. I have no intention of letting the stress of this experience get to me- I've been impacted enough thank you very much.