[Flummoxed]

Thanks, UM! Starting a new thread with the title of “Trusting the Process” to help me level set. First thread took about 3 months to fill; I’m hoping this one takes a bit longer.

Thread 1: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12210.0

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching - and following along

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

And… I’m already back to journaling. 😅 Going to try to keep it short and sweet.

Today was a heavy day. For all my efforts to stay grounded and present, my heart hurt and I went back to thinking about my STBXH. Physical comforts, like a hug, a kiss, holding hands. Feeling safe. The feeling of contentedness, of home.

And then I forced myself to take a nap because I’m still under the weather and I woke up reaffirming that the past 2 years (3 if you count his depression prior to BD1) were straight up out of the emotional abuse playbook. A cold hard dose of reality to get me back to the present. Which isn’t great, given how unbelievably charged the air is here politically, on top of the gloom in my own bubble, but it’s better to be aware.

Reminding myself it’s not personal. Reminding myself he’s not ok- I’ve spoken to at least two of the “children of his issues”- this is real. Reminding myself I made a commitment to let go, to make room for something better.

Remembering the lesson that sometimes what you think you know needs to be destroyed to make room for something better to be built in its place. It’s been a struggle today, but I’m choosing to have faith. Funny how it takes me a full day to pump myself up to start fresh again the next morning. Hopefully, with all this practice, it’ll take less and less time until it becomes a habit.

[KayDee]

What you have written, Flummoxed, I recognize. I expect others will. This process - it's not so linear. I think of it like having lots of circling planes in the air, and one by one, they eventually 'land'. Sometimes you think one is about to land, and then a nasty side wind comes in and it takes off again.  But it tries again, and succeeds. I believe, eventually we land all our planes (and now I will 'land' the metaphor  ). When you trust the process, trust your process. Your H's process is his own. I know you know that, but I just want bring it back centre. I have been amazed, in hindsight, by my own changes and how differently I feel about things now than when I was first hit with the proverbial emotional hammer. For me, if I have a particularly painful spell, I know now that it is likely part of a new phase - a step forward, after a period spent backwards. You are doing amazingly. Get well soon.

[Treasur]

I agree with KayDee.
In hindsight, the process of recovery was less of a doing thing than I thought and more of a being thing. Some bits were intentional, but a lot of it just seemed to follow its’ own rhyme and rhythm. I couldn’t chase it down or timetable it, but I could learn to observe it and acknowledge the ways in which I/it evolved if that makes sense?

[xyzcf]

Living in the US, if the party we wanted to win did not is incredibly hard and concerning.  Yesterday, I wanted a hug from him, reassurance that it will be ok. Those are my stored memories of how it was with us, the comfort of knowing that I was safe because we had this, together.

My therapist shared a quote from Viktor Frankl and it is a good one to meditate on :

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In  our response lies our growth and freedom."

Reminding myself I made a commitment to let go, to make room for something better.

Remembering the lesson that sometimes what you think you know needs to be destroyed to make room for something better to be built in its place.

"to let go"...so often I hear this and we "work" hard on this concept and chide ourselves if we are not successful...measured by moments when the pain and hurt slaps us in our face for the multitude of memories and events that will trigger the sense of loss and grief.

What if there is room for both?  Acceptance of our feelings and emotions, both good and bad. That in our lives, we live with positive and negative things at all times, allowing ourselves to work through these "dark emotions" until they sit easy with us...no judgement, no condemnation because we have failed to "let go".

Remembering the lesson that sometimes what you think you know needs to be destroyed to make room for something better to be built in its place.

What is it that needs to be destroyed? Can not something new be built even when there are still remnants of the past which can include care and concern for our spouses and indeed even connection with them...understanding that what we had was gone and we will continue to grow in our life...for some that means never looking back....for me it means that he's still an important part of my life and my family but hat doesn't stop me from building something new.

Presently reading a book called Healing through the dark emotions" The wisdom of grief, fear and despair By Miriam Greenspan...giving me permission to feel without blocking emotions that are difficult to feel, working through them to experience joy, peace and calm.

[Flummoxed]

Thank you, KayDee, Treasur, and xyzcf! Your feedback means the world and I ran through it all a couple of times to really get it to start sinking in.

KayDee, I loved the analogy and thank you very much for the reminder. Intellectually, I do understand that our processes will be separate- I need to keep my eyes on my own paper if you will. Emotionally, I'm still making progress and appreciate the subtle redirects back to my primary focus. It helps when I focus on being present, rooted in my body, reminding myself that this is how I interact with the world and all I can control is myself. I remind myself this more times than I care to admit, but the reminders are very much necessary at this point in time and may need to be repeated more frequent too.

Treasur, 100%- that makes absolute sense. I'm in the process of reminding myself that I'm a human being and not a human doing- that sometimes things don't need action to change, rather I need to accept and simply be. And I definitely lost track of that for a very long time, so it's a process, but the little steps toward being authentically myself and embracing that have been a slow but welcome acceptance. And I look forward to seeing how this process unfolds and where this healing takes me.

xyzcf, absolutely- I think we shared a similar experience yesterday for sure. Thank you so much for sharing the Frankl quote- that's so true. Practicing the rule of three, focusing inward and on mindfulness, practicing responding versus reacting, really working on creating and embracing that space has been so helpful and truly freeing. Thank you for sharing with me and I'm thankful for the forum for sharing these guidances. That it's ok to take time; there are no points for speed.

I completely agree with your feedback on letting go- I definitely feel there can be room for both. It doesn't have to be a black and white vision; we can and honestly should embrace the duality. You're right; it's a part of life. I'm still learning on how to sit with the more "negative" emotions rather than running away from them or pushing them deep, deep down. Still a work in progress on the judgement piece, as you can see. All emotions have value and we learn as we process and let go.

Regarding destruction, I definitely agree that it may not be necessary in all instances. I also firmly believe we can still retain the care we have as we proceed forward. My statement was more so linked to my experience at my plant medicine retreat, which brought me comfort. Personally, I felt like I had to completely let go of who I felt I was (the story of me, the framing of my ego) to truly let go of the hurt and pain that I had held on to as it was holding me back. I had to let it all go and then build myself back from the ground up. I know what I'm capable of and I know I will be just fine however this all plays out- truly, I feel like what is on the other side will be better. If anything, as I continue on my path, I will be aligned with my authentic self, which simply wasn't the case previously due to years of self-sacrifice (It was a coping mechanism I developed in childhood that had reached its expiration).

But I had to embrace the destruction, the total dismantling of who I was so convinced I was, to allow for this strong and assured version of myself to develop and shine through. The me that was, she got me through an insane number of terrible things. She was my Katniss; she knew how to fight and keep me alive and I am beyond thankful. I wouldn't have survived without her being who she was. However, having grieved, I feel more at ease (not completely for obvious reasons), less reactive, less emotionally bonded to my childhood trauma. It happened, I released it, I'm focused on moving forward.

And although it is not within my control, I can't look at his paper, I hope that he makes his way through his process to find this version of himself too. In my heart, currently, I would love it if we can find each other again someday. But I'm doing my best to hold on to the feeling that I will be perfectly fine, even more than fine, no matter which direction this goes.

And that sounds like a fantastic book- please let us know if it's a good read!

[Baxter1]

F-

Can I ask about the ‘children’ of his issues? I know I talked to one of them, I came into kitchen and she was talking like a 9 year old. It freaked me out at first but then I realized that others on here have had the same experience. What was your experience? Mine was like that for about a minute, she left the room and came back with the angry eyes as per usual.

[Flummoxed]

Baxter1,

From my limited experience, I feel like I’ve spoken to one in their mid-teens (I feel this must be the most common experience) and one maybe around 10 years of age? It’s hard for me to tell as I don’t have as much experience with children.

He came to me to chat when I was working, was very soft spoken and shy, acted like he didn’t want to bother me. I told him it was no bother- he was barely speaking to me at that point so I wanted to get as much face time as I could. He told me about a job he was applying to and the salary associated. He then asked if he should tell the interviewer that he would work around the clock for them so that they’d hire him. This was coming from a man who used to interview regularly to keep fresh. I calmed him down, advised him not to share that with the interviewer, and he settled in a bit calmer. We spoke another minute or so about general job-type stuff and then he had to leave the room, I guess. Couldn’t stay for who knows what reason. May be totally out of left field but I think they leave because they can’t handle the feelings. My STBXH stayed out, but perhaps for you the teen/monster mask was put back into place. To wrap up, he thanked me as he was leaving, said I was nice, and I thought we were good- this was a few days before BD2.

It is a very strange experience, isn’t it? This whole whirlwind of a deal. But I feel like it’s these experiences that help to cement down that they really are going through it.

[OffRoad]

All emotions have value and we learn as we process and let go.

If there were a like button, I'd mash it to oblivion. IMO, this is the key. Feel the emotion, process and let go and that applies to everything in our lives. Jobs we didn't get, elections that didn't go in a person's personal desire direction, kids who are a challenge, divorce, death...everything. If you don't let go, you can stay stuck. If you don't process you can't let go. If you don't feel it, you can't process it.

At the end of every day, we can only control ourselves and how we deal with things that don't go the way we want them to. We can end up angry or bitter if we are not careful. We can also take what we have and figure out how to make the best of it. I can guarantee in my life I was put in many a situation that seemed no win, but there was always, eventually, a way to work towards something that would result in my own personal path to a win for me. It doesn't mean I wasn't sitting on the floor bawling my eyes out wondering how I was going to manage many nights when things went wrong, just that at some point I  processed the feelings and looked for alternatives. It's easier for a "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" personality, but not impossible if you don't happen to have that personality. And it will take as long as it takes for each person.