It's been a long time since I checked in with you all. Last time was the start of a very hectic summer for me, and now I'm at the very end of it. Never have I looked forward to an autumn more.
So, we went on holiday to Antalya as a family. It was both better and worse than you might expect. There were warm, affectionate moments from him, compliments and there were utterly cruel, cutting moments as well. He did better than he's done some years in terms of paying attention to the kids - but there were also many selfish moments that visibly hurt their feelings. The conflicting emotions he once had about us appear to have fled. He has made a very clear choice to pursue a new life with his AP. At the end of the trip I told him the divorce was, in fact final, his response was to (after I'd left the house) sit both the kids down and tell them not to trust what I'd told them about him and that I had lied to them and I was equally responsible for this break up. So basically the one parent you have now, who consistently shows up, you can't trust them either. My daughter (12) wasn't hearing any of it, yelled at him and left the room but my poor 8 year old son was confused and upset.
As for me, I was very up and down the whole time. I felt strung out, on edge and it was virtually impossible to relax. I was counting the days until I left - in fact he was so intolerable at the end that I went to a resort for the last 3 days on my own and left him with the kids and his sisters to go white water rafting. I was so glad to get out of that group activity. I don't plan on ever going there again - maybe if my FIL dies, I love him and he has been so supportive of me through this whole thing, but even from his grave he would understand if I didn't. I realized this trip that I am grieving not just my ex but my life. I loved Antalya, we have hundreds of precious moments and memories there and as I lose him, I lose that special place that felt like home too. He has ruined all those memories for me, at least for now.
One low point for me was realizing that he had had his AP in our home a month or so before we got there. He had told me she had not stayed in our home again since last year, and so I took the master bedroom for myself. But I found her lotions and potions in MY nightstand (one of which was an unmentionable one) and her shoes in my closet. He didn't realize ab the shoes bc my daughter and I leave ours there or he would certainly have hidden them. She left the shoes directly at eye level and next to his. She even left her boarding pass for me to find. I was absolutely devastated that this gross old bag had been in my space, my bed, and our family home. When I LOST it, my ex said to me, 'you knew i was f'iing her in that bed, so why did you want to sleep in it"? It was prob the meanest thing he's EVER said to me. it was beyond cruel, it was abusive. That was the same day we ran around to like 10 different notaries so I could sign over the flat there to him, which I had promised to do - our divorce was final at this stage and everything else was mine.
One note - when I found all of her gear, i threatened NOT to sign over the flat to him out of pique and he raged at me in a way that made my children sob. I saw then how out of control he is mentally. And also that the thing that affects him most is when something he wants materially is threatened or taken away. His behavior was disgusting. It also made me think that whenever this affair ends, if this rich old bag tries to take something away from him that she's given him, and she's as evil /selfish as I believe her to be, there will almost certainly be violence between them. I'm sure of it.
So after all that, trauma really, I went to London on my own with my kids. It was great. We had a super time the three of us reconnecting with old friends. There were hard moments, being asked about what happened by friends who knew and loved us as a couple, running around trying to juggle work (by that time I had hardly any vacation left) and childcare but it was super. One of my closest friends flew in from Portugal with her son just to see us for a few days and we stayed with my best friend in Surrey, who is a gorgeous psychoanalyst, just the kind of wisdom I needed that week.
From there it was direct to NYC for 3 days of all day meetings. I splurged and got me and the kids premium economy from London. It was some of the best money i've ever spent. From there we flew back to Cali where we had THREE DAYS to pack up and move before the truck came and we've been in Thompsons Station Tenn since July 24th. Kids started school Aug 4th.
You know, until you get to a place, you don't really know how it's going to feel. It was like I jumped off a cliff (where should we move to, to start over?) and was figuring it out on the way down - and I was hugely relieved to get here and realize this was home. I have felt at home here since day 1 and i love being here with all of my heart.
The first morning after we arrived I took an uber to pick up a rental car for us to use until my car got out here, and it was tuned to a Christian radio station when I got in.
The VERY first song I heard was called 'Breakthru' by Andrew Ripp.
These are the lyrics:
If you're washed up on a lonesome shore
Soul crushed and tired
If you're curled up on the kitchen floor
And the house is on fire
And if you couldn't feel further from redemption
You're the closest you've ever been
Rock bottom is a firm foundation
You'll see, my friend
This is not a breakdown
It's a breakthrough
This is not a midnight
It's a brand new morning
When it dawns on the dark
This is not the moment
When it all falls apart
It's a beautiful place to start
You'll find yourself thanking the storm
Cuz the floodgates have opened
You'll let go of standing on the edge
For what the future is holding
Hear your prayers turn from begging God
To praising Him
As you're finding He's always been
Much closer than air you're breathing
Breathe in, my friend
This is not a breakdown
It's a breakthrough
This is not a midnight
It's a brand new morning
When it dawns on the dark
This is not the moment
When it all falls apart
It's a beautiful place to start
"A beautiful place to start" I heard that as I was driving thru rolling green hills and fields. I mean, how apt was that?
Also 'Rock bottom is a firm foundation" YES IT IS. I am finding that! Truer words were never spoken. Honestly hearing that, that first morning was so powerful for me. It felt like a little gift from God.
The kids like school, the house we're building is coming along nicely and it looks it will be finished early (!) and the condo we are all crowded up in, is absolutely cozy and perfect. I love it. During our move my ex was calling a lot and I didn't answer. I refused to engage. I wanted to come here and feel like it was a truly clean slate. I was terse, didn't reply or kept things very short and only ab kids and blocked him twice.
Now, a few weeks later, he's given up and vanished entirely. He does not message me at all, even to ask ab the kids. Embarrassed to admit that even tho I was not really speaking to him, this bothers me. I got my son his own phone so he could call his dad and my ex never even messaged a thank you to me for getting it for him. No acknowledgement whatsoever. He acts now as if I do not exist. That also hurts. My 12 year old daughter does respond to his messages now but always short and not always right away - and now he's stopped messaging her too.
I still hurt, I still grieve the man I remember for some reason I'm having some kind of second wave of grief right now. As all the adrenaline of the move wore off and I've settled in, and he's completely vanished, I find myself longing for him. It's painful to look at old photos right now. I still hope he won't be this way (selfish, narcissistic) forever - even if it's too late for us - for my kids' sake -but I worry that after 2 years of being this selfish and fancy free with zero responsibility or accountability he's loving it - i mean how do you put THAT back into a box?
One other note, ydy was a Sat. I had posted a photo of my son on IG and my ex commented 'he is my heart' . I hid the comment. I had spent the day shuttling my daughter to the mall, taking my son for a haircut and an emergency trip to walmart bc his nerf gun was permanently jammed, and then a new shake he wanted to try at Mcdonalds. I wanted to write to my ex 'your 'heart' is walking around with needs. He has an IEP, ADHD meds to monitor, lots of big emotions, real fear about the future, a mean kid at school, and is a beautiful, sensitive soul with a desperate need of masculine energy and strength to draw from. - and where exactly are you?" in fact, that evening my son called his dad and he'd just had an evening swim on the beach near our Antalya home and sat on the boardwalk and talked to my son for 45 mins. he prob congratulated himself afterwards on being a good dad. An evening swim!!!!
This was significant to me -because in the past, when he was home in Turkey he called the kids all the time, it was only when he was with his AP in Barcelona or Moscow that he disappeared into her world. This time, he was at his home, free to call them without observation, and he still did not. First time that's happened. His bond with them or interest in them has lessened to that degree I guess. That hurts deeply.
One day about 2 weeks ago he randomly liked about 50 of my FB photos (i had all these notifications that he 'liked' photos going back even years before we met) not sure what that was about. Maybe it was his way of saying goodbye.
Oh and PS, I joined a dating app.
I Came. I Cried. I Conquered.
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