[One day at a time]

Hi all, thanks for your comments, it really helps to see I'm not alone in the way I feel.

Marvin, everything you said made me think quite a bit and you are right.

I too miss that naive almost childlike trust

That's actually a very apt definition.. and while I felt a little bit offended by it when I first read it (and I know that was not at all your intention), it actually made me realize that I looked up to H like a child looks up to his/her parents. He was there, he had my back, he would make things better if something went wrong, no matter what he did, he was still up there in my pedestal.. It was a very nice "safe" feeling but made life a 1000 times worse when he decided to leave. Part of my problem now is that I probably went to the polar opposite and I struggle to rely on or trust anyone, that includes my partner. My work right now is to find a happy medium, it won't be easy but I'm willing to put in the work.

Sachat, still figuring out how I feel as his trip got delayed, more on that later!

Tornup, I have read some threads here where people find themselves in much better relationships and they realize now how wrong their marriage was. So I guess it varies from person to person.. I certainly haven't felt that feeling of security yet.. I will never trust anyone blindly again but I want to believe I will feel more "settled" in my new life eventually.

UM, thank you.. Yes, it's easy to feel like running away when things get hard or emotions are running high.. When I was on my own, I felt more "peaceful" but the fact that i didn't have anyone in my life triggering me made it a lot easier.. I think I would have a lot of doubt and questioning no matter who I was with.. which means I need to work on that rather than blaming everyone else in a very MLC fashion 

Update

H's trip got delayed as H and OW had covid... (I "nearly" felt sorry for them.... Ok, not really  ) I was relieved in a way because the build up was making me uneasy.. I heard yesterday that H and OW arrived 2 days ago and I felt meh... Ex SIL gave me the heads up in case he makes contact, I actually laughed at the idea. I would be VERY surprised if he does. First, because he's a vanisher of sorts so I'd say he would even struggle with the thoughts of facing me.. Second, because OW is here with him, if she is as controlling as ex BIL says, she will not allow him to see me without her.. and I really doubt he will meet me with her in tow, although who knows with these crazy MLCs..
The good news is that I have no anxiety and I don't really care what they do or who they see. It's early days, I haven't seen pictures or anything but so far, so good. I'm a little bit curious but more from a "get the popcorn and watch the show" perspective. She comes from a different culture, she has had very little interaction with H's family and they can get loud and pretty aggressive when they drink (which happens often) They will stay here for a month apparently so she will spend a lot of time with "her new family", it should be interesting! 

As for me, I decided to go back to the IC I had when my life exploded.. I feel like a lot of the difficulties I have in my new relationship are related to what I went through. Just to be clear, I'm not blaming myself for all of it but a lot of my feelings and emotions are driven by my past and are impacting my present. I only had 2 sessions so far but I think it was the right step for me as I'm seeing things in a different way. Time will tell but I'm feeling hopeful 

[PJ Ames]

Thanks for the update One Day. 

As for me, I decided to go back to the IC I had when my life exploded.. I feel like a lot of the difficulties I have in my new relationship are related to what I went through. Just to be clear, I'm not blaming myself for all of it but a lot of my feelings and emotions are driven by my past and are impacting my present.

Sounds like a good idea. I've been there myself. I've recently seen my IC and we talked about my challenges with allowing myself to be vulnerable and less self-protective. "Once bitten, twice shy" has been a thing for me. I'm sure it is for a lot of us.

I'm not sure if you're dealing with some of the same issues, but my IC really helped me to see that holding back and not being vulnerable in my current relationship deprives not just my partner, but also myself. Limiting vulnerability also limits the potential depth and richness of a relationship. But trusting someone with our hearts after we've had them broken is definitely easier said than done!

Good luck with dealing with H and OW's visit to his family. Not your circus anymore!

[One day at a time]

Thanks PJ, good to hear from you!!!

Yes, it sounds like we are going through a very similar thing. My IC talks about my fear of being hurt again so any situation that triggers me, makes me put my walls up and I want to run away. She thinks that even if I was to end the relationship, I will probably go through this again in my next relationship. The wounds only become visible when we have someone in our lives that is trying to get close. Another interesting thing she said is that my 15 years with H have conditioned me and I'm looking at my current relationship through the lens of what my marriage used to be and how I felt in it. B is very different to H so our interactions are completely different... Different doesn't mean bad or wrong but my brain sometimes see them that way.

I have to say, I'm very glad I took the step to go back to counselling to work through this. It's opening my eyes to a lot of stuff that I probably wouldn't see on my own.

[Music45]

Hi everyone.
Thought it was time I updated.

Kids have both moved out now. I see them every few days and speak to/message them a lot. They're both doing ok which is great.
I'll be (hopefully) moving soon. Same village but smaller. I'm near enough the kids and it feels the right place to be. I have mixed feelings about moving: on one hand this has been a happy family home with all those memories but on the other it's too big for just me and I'm looking forward to making the new place mine. I think mostly I just wish it was done so I can move on. Not long now I hope.

H. Well. Coming up on 6 years next month since BD. This time last year he was around a LOT. Fog definitely thinner but it closed in on him again by late summer. He was "friends" with OW again so I left him to it. He told me a few months ago he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone so communication gradually and slowly picked up again. Nothing at all like last year though.
2 weeks ago it was S birthday. I asked H if he wanted to have a meal with just us (we were due all to go out with MiL and Sil the next day). He declined. Saturday night and he was going out.
Well I thought that's a red flag. Again. Sure enough he's back in a relationship with OW again. Probably has been for a while I expect.
So that's it. Back to no communication from me. Rope dropped. He had and tried to continue to message me goodnight every night still. When I stopped replying he eventually gave up. Now we barely message unless necessary.

Been here before of course. Still sucks. I'm just disappointed in him. Disappointed in me for having some mild expectations last year when he was doing better. Disappointed that he couldn't keep moving forward. Disappointed that he's still gone back to that relationship that clearly is not the answer (as it's been on off on off so many times).

So that's me. There's probably more I could write but that's the essence of it. Bring on the house move. Glad summer is coming.

Hugs all.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Music45,

Nice to read you again but sorry that H still has his head planted firmly up his .... fog....

I hope that your move will be everything that you hope it will be and that your new place is full of life and joy and peace, regardless of what H decides to do.... Sometimes, we look at the situation from the outside and can't do much more than shake our heads and wonder "WTF?" and get on with our lives, right?

[Music45]

Thanks Ursa. Yes. Dead right. I think it was Sam (not sure - apologies if wrong) who said that watching H is a bit like watching a science experiment. I agree with that 100% as the kids say  .
I'm interested in what's happening but I get on with everything else while it's happening.

[Standing Strong]

Hi Music 

Six years..... they sure take their time don't they?

Feel for you.

-SS

[Music45]

Don't they though, SS....sigh.

[stillbaffled]

Nice that you are able to move and still stay near your kids.   Sounds as though you've become well versed in getting on with life and life's happenings. 

[sachat3]

Lovely to see a update from you.

I’m glad the delayed visit from your H and Ow didn’t trigger you. I sometimes think the build up is more triggering than the actual visit. I remember watching a video will smith did, about sky diving. In it he said he was panicking the night before about the sky dive, he was terrified the morning of the dive but why? He was firmly on the ground at the time. And that’s why they usually say “three, two” and they go on “two” because at 1, everyone clings to the door frame for dear life. But I guess it’s similar.