[zinger]

First, let say that I am standing.   However,  I have been thinking about how my H must think I am crazy for not having served him with divorce papers.  I  have been pretty dark with communication, I have stated my belief that we can create a new and better marriage and that it is in the best interest of our daughters for us to remain a family.  I just think that he must think I am so pathetic for choosing to stand despite his atrocious behvavior towards me and our 2 daughters.  I sometimes wonder that if he comes out of his MLC, will having divorced really prevent him from coming home? I know several people who when their spouse started an affair and chose not to work on the marriage began divorce proceedings.  In 2 cases, the WAS/MLCer (not sure if they were MLCs although both situations sound very much like MLC to me) ultimately asked for a second chance with the LBS.  One accepted their WAS and the other did not.  I guess I just wonder if in some respects, we LBS who stand and don't initiate a divorce are hurting ourselves by not telling our MLCers in no uncertain terms that we will not tolerate a marriage where our spouses are not 100 percent committed to us.  We all say that when MLCers return, we have to create a new marriage anyway, so I guess I'm wondering why not say unequivocally to our spouses, "This marriage is over since you refuse to return and commit to this marriage" and then if the divorce happens or they return before it goes through, you can start a new marriage with a new commitment?  Thoughts?

[good4me]

Zinger

I cant tell you what to do only my thoughts on your question. I believe that asking for a divorce is the  worst thing you can do . Your H could take you up on the offer then what would you do ? He might not even being thinking about a divorce so why plant the idea ? It hasn't been that long since he moved out. I know it feels like forever but around here a few months is a drop in the bucket. My H left January 2011. Yes it knocked me on my a-- but I am still breathing and things are getting a little easier most days.

hang in there you can make it
Hugs

[xyzcf]

Dear Zinger,

First, a divorce is really really expensive and I agree it can put ideas into their heads. Unless there is a financial reason or you want out of the marriage, asking for a divorce is not going to push him through the tunnel any faster.

I did file for a legal separation because my H left the country and I could no longer trust anything that he said or did. He told me he no longer wanted to be marriaed to me and we both looked at one another and said..well, what do we do?And we said, I guess we need to see a lawyer..my appointment was before his so I beat him to it.

He's had 9 months to stop this but he continues to want his freedom..he knows I absolutely believe that this is the wrong decision for us.

But I am 56 years old and hav only worked 2 years part time over the last 8 years due to his job promotions and he has this crazy fascination with Asia where he could easily run to next..besides, I also worked hard for our money and I did not wish to see one cent spent on another women.

So, unless you have some fears ..I would not initiate a divorce expecting that it might cause him to return. Just keep a close watch on your finances.

[LisaLives]

Z, I had no idea what to do at BD, but he told me he found his soulmate and was TAKING my kids.  So yup, I raised the spectre of divorce and called my attorney the next day.  I was totally freaked that he could take them from me--I mean I was a stay at home mom with no real income.  I also knew that "WE" were already technically clients of the best divorce attorney in town and I know that game, whoever calls first gets them, and I wasn't taking any chances. 

I also respect the standers on this site, but I live in a small town and I was not going to be humiliated with him parading around with her, who is young enough to be his daughter.  I don't know how others do it, but I could not face that shame and humiliation.  I would have looked like a fool to stand.  Other people don't "get" MLC.  So I know what you're thinking and I did take the other road.  I am not sure how it will turn out, but our divorce should be final this month and his wedding will be this summer.  I am not sure what would have happened if I had stood and been more patient and understanding--only time will tell, I guess.  You have to do what feels right to you, but be careful to listen to YOU, not your family or friends, they have other priorities--really, and you need to be sure where you "stand" before you make any rash decisions, unless you have to... 

[Buggy31]

I wonder this too.  I would not initiate a divorce as why should you do the legwork but I do wonder...in some cases that the MLCer needs to follow the destruction all the way through with the D to feel "totally seperate" in these cases it may be best not to FIGHT the D but let the chips fall where they may and not DRAG it out so much.  In my case..for financial reasons...and because of the state I reside I have some time to wait it out and buy more time which will benefit me financially.  This is the only way I make my decisions at this point...what will benefit me and the kids and then I do it.  I think there may be something to the Divorce in the MLC process but again I wouldn't move forward with divorce unless the MLCer really takes the initiative.

[hobo1]

I am six months into this.  I brought up divorce, and my wife called an attorney.  I retained one, but we are in a holding pattern.  She has not followed through on a meeting that was supposed to be planned.

I am also wondering if I should push my lawyer to go all the way through.

My wife is not working, and she is expecting everything to be the same when divorced, except without me.

I tried to explain to her that I cannot afford an apartment and a house, she wants to keep the house, and doesnt want to work....

we are separated so thats how it is now....  she is having it the best of both worlds.
.
I am tempted to go for the divorce, and then if she wakes up, I would be glad to take her back. 

Divorce is actually better for me financially.  but not for her, and we would also need to sell the house....

She is in fantasy land.  Thinking that all will  be exactly as it is without me.  I am also sick of a marriage where she is not a wife.

She still cares for the kids, which is also odd to me.  She just doesnt love me or want me.

She is mean and sarcastic to me, but to the rest of the world, she is sweet and wonderful.

I know we have standers for years, but its six months, and I am thinking divorce.

Dont get me wrong, I love her dearly,....  and wish like hell this fog lifts.  But I have a life to live too...  Life is too short to wait around for years for someone who may not come back....

Divorce is not detrimental to me, it cant be much worst than it is now...  its beneficial financially, and maybe this will wake her a## up.

[Dontgiveup]

Divorce in itself will not wake anyone out of the fog.  The MLC process must be gone through.

Here's part of RCR's article Standing: Clarifying the Concept part 2
If you wanted or expected Standing to fix your marriage within six months, you did not Stand long enough. If you have decided that you do not want to be married to the same person in the future, then you do not need to continue Standing. But your MLCer will not be the same person in a few years when he comes through his MLC. It sounds to me that the problem is how you were Standing. What contact limitations--if any--did you put between you and your MLCer? Try Standing from a distance.

[Trustandlove]

Personally I don't think it would help at all.  I think you should ask for a divorce only, and ONLY, if you are absolutely done and don't want to be married to him any more, even if he wanted to come back.

Getting legal advice to protect yourself is different, yes, by all means do that.  But asking for a divorce won't wake him up. 

[StandandDeliver]

I sometimes wonder too zinger. I have heard of one situation where the wife divorced her MLC H, and year or so later found a new boyfriend. It was only once the H discovered she had the new boyfriend that he suddenly realised he was in real danger of losing her completely and came running her way.  She broke up with the new boyf (they had not been together very long) and started dating her H again and eventually they were reconciled.

In all honesty, there are times when I truly don't think it matters what you do - for one situation a divorce decision may show the MLCer the LBS strength, standards and mettle and for another it may confirm that the LBS was an unforgiving b***h or B******d. For another situation it may remind the MLCer how wonderful the LBS is, but it lends to their belief that there is too much damage to go back.

So, while I find most of the info on this site unbelievably helpful and wise, I do think that there are a few areas (ie the divorce scenario) where there are no guarantees no matter what you do. I sometimes think I should get a lawyer and divorce H to send him the message that I do find him and his behaviour unacceptable, I will not be married to anyone who would show so little respect to thoughts and feelings of those around him, no matter what the reasons. I also wonder if taking some control back in this situation and making the marriage final will give me the finality I need to close a door rather than living in hope for years when that hope could be false.  I think this may be the main dilemma of many LBSer - do I trust a process that tends to play out in a certain way, but also has no guarantees? Or should I just cut my losses and move on and truly take control over my life including who I am married to, which is something that is in my control. It will not end my mourning and sadness which will be there whatever I do, but it will give the reins of my life back to me. Because I don't think that H coming back is dependant on our marriage status (in fact he famously said, we could only get back together in the future if we were divorced  , but as with all MLC statements, I would not place a bet on him meaning that). I know the divorce question is a big one on here and there are people who are against divorce in almost any circumstance - but in truth, none of us is "pro-divorce" (well except some of our MLCers of course) or we wouldn't be here asking these questions and agonising over it.

[zinger]

Thanks for everyone's responses.  A few clarifications I guess...I do not believe that a divorce will speed up MLC process or even affect it in anyway.  I did not raise the question because I am becoming impatient or expect that after 8 months there would be movement in my H.  As I said in my original post, I am pretty NC with exception of contact about kids.  I am getting a life and actually feel pretty good these days--i have gotten a lot of helpful distance and feel much stronger than I have in years. 

My question is really about down the road, years down the road, if and when my H completes his journey, and if and when at that point he desires to reconcile.  If I "stood" by traditional standards, not initiating divorce, I wonder what kind of message that sends to my H and really, more importantly, to myself.  Because truthfully, I do not want to be married to this MLC person.  This is not to say that I don't want or wouldn't work hard towards a new, better marriage with my H if and when he were to make it through the MLC process -- I ABSOLUTELY would based on our history and our children.  But asking for a divorce NOW says to him and to me that currently this relationship is unacceptable and I have no interest in being a part of his current MLC life and choices.  Again, not with the intention of affecting his journey or expediting his journey or manipulating his journey AT ALL.  Just for the purpose of being clear to him and to myself about what kind of relationship I want to be in. 

I hope that helps clarify my question and point for discussion.