[Synicca]

I agree DGU,

like I posted earlier.....my h professed his love for me to the top of the roof tops..then 10 days
later was in Love with Ow#2.

You cant be that IN love with your spouse and then it all go away because of OP...it doesnt work that way.

The Ow/OM is nothing but a symptom and addiction...No real love anywhere in there...

[ece711]

I was only sticking to the subject of the thread "How come we don't see it coming?".  DGU, and TS, I know it's a symptom... saying this though is an answer to a question that starts with a "What" not "How".

[Glimmer]

I agree with Synicca.

My H graduated in May 2009. During a big party I had arranged for him, he made a speech, thanking me for my love and support and how he could not have done any of it without me.  By this time he had already joined his running club which OW had introduced him to.

Looking back now, I remember him spending more and more time on a Sunday away from his family. After he had finished running, he would go out driving to all kinds of different places.  I used to think it strange that he would want to visit these places, and sit in coffee bars etc on his own, which is what he led me to believe.

Then he began criticising the way I looked.  He upset me a couple of times with comments such as how I had 'let myself go' and that I should 'try to look more feminine'.  Even during the darkest days of MLC, I have always tried to look my best, and his remarks were deeply upsetting and so out of character.  Eventually it was the late night text messages he received and him telling me I was nosey, and then staying downstairs when I went to bed.

Even if I had noticed these tell tale signs in the beginning though, it wouldn't have made any difference at all.

 

 

[arp1]

What I am trying to say regarding the question how come we didn't see it coming...  because they loved us for who we were until someone else came into the picture.

ece711, I think this is partly true, in so far as the OM/OW that comes along magnifies the MLCers perceptions of our deficiencies, faults or failings. Suddenly, we aren't accepted for who we are: they see this other person having the qualities they wished we had or thought we had. My W has said to me that I'm not the person she thought I was, but when we married she didn't care about her Uni friends reservations. The OM (an ex-bf) 'gets her', when she met him it was like going back to when they went out together 30 years ago, he's optimistic and I'm not, etc, etc.

[StandandDeliver]

arp - that is the MLC rewrite, but tbh, at least in my sitch, my H stopped seeing me for "who I was" some time before he even met OW. He was withdrawing and distancing himself for the R gradually over the year before BD. He was also questioning everything about his life, alot (jobs, relationships with family and me, what he wanted, what he didnt want, who he was, whether he believed in taking drugs - yes, at 35 years old he started questioning if drugs were maybe a good thing  ) I was vaguely aware of a distance between us, but I thought (with having a newborn) that it was sleeplessness, stress, less sex etc - all the normal parts of having very young kids. I believed it was a phase and I also knew that I was frequently tired, stressed and was constantly in nurturing mode to the exclusion of my own needs. I just thought it was the hard part of marriage (the years with preschoolers, babies and no sleep) and that things would even out.

There was no way to see it coming unless you are the sort of person who goes through life and feels that every difficulty they encounter will inevitably have an even worse ending. I made the mistake of being an optimist and probably you did too ( a fact that our MLCer's would not understand the irony of when they claim we are pessimists or negative) One of the problems in my marriage was not that I was a pessimist and H was an optimist. It was that H was an idealist and I am more of a realist. Maybe that is why I may be less prone to getting caught up in the unreal "fantasy" of MLC and an affair...

[NewBeginnings]

Looking back, I knew he was depressed and unhappy.  I knew he was withdrawing from me but thought  it was just the depression.  I think  he was looking  for some excitement, something or someone to take away his depression, although we all know he is just covering up his symptoms.  OW came along and gave him attention.  She is a needy person and I'm sure just kept feeding his ego.   Then it became a full blown affair and within just 2 months, she moved into his apt. in the town he worked during the week.  I have a feeling she was putting the pressure on him big time to leave me.    And he did in February.  He has shown no remorse at all.    He also went right out the following week after BD and bought a new Harley.  I didn't find out about her until the end of April.  So now he should be completely happy with his life now.    He totally abandoned his wife and only son in every way including financially to be with her. 
They live 3 hours away so truthfully I have no clue as to how he is, if he is happy ect..  We have NC at all. 

[BonBon]

This is a really interesting thread.

I think most of us admit to having hindsight...realizing there were indicators perhaps but they are typically so subtle, so benign...who would see his typhoon blowing in other than a psychic?

I heard grumblings about H's age.  Big deal - I'm older.  My father died...note:  MY father, not his. His parents moved away - that affected both of us.  We had a business deal not work out - BOTH our time and money.  My point is that 9 out of 10 times, these things that add up to be the catalysts for their MLC's are things that affect the LBS too...and aren't usually so extraordinary in the scheme of life.
If they were so wildly dramatic, the LBS would have an MLC right along with them, right?

It's called not being able to deal with things.  That is their problem.  Any time I was depressed, angry, whatever, I would talk to my H.  He could have talked to me any time but he did not, choosing instead to let this pressure cooker build and never indicating the seriousness of what he was feeling.  That may be what he learned from his parents, or because of society or whatever but I'm here to say unequivovally that this was HIS failing, NOT mine and I didn't know because he didn't tell me.  I am not psychic.  Who doesn't grumble about turning 45?  Who doesn't become aware of their own mortality when a loved one passes on?

So maybe the problem was with me.  In the beginning after bomb drop, and for a good year beyond, I would occassionally ask what I had done wrong, what could I do differently.  He gave me all sorts of stupid criticisms along with a very few things I could legimitately work on...and a very few things we as a couple could too.  But at that time I took EVERYTHING he said to heart.  Then one day, when he was giving me his little list of my failings, I realized just how full of SH*t he was.  And I told him so.  And I never asked for another critique again nor will I.  I also noticed that in all this time, he has never once asked me what he could improve on...so what does that tell you?

He has admitted to picking on me and looking for reasons.  So if he had to make this stuff up in his mind to act like a sh*t, once again, that is his problem.  Now as for seeing that coming, no, why would I guess the nicest man I knew turn into someone else when he never, ever gave me the courtesy nor showed the fairness that I deserved in addressing these issues that made him change his entire self?

When you see a small rain shower, you don't anticipate a flash flood.  But even if you did, you could not have stopped it from happening. 

[ece711]

This is a really interesting thread.

When you see a small rain shower, you don't anticipate a flash flood.  But even if you did, you could not have stopped it from happening.

You may not be able to stop it, but you would be able to prepare in order to survive the destruction that the flash flood will bring.

[niff naff]

Well said Bon Bon! you have hit the nail on the head, these things, these triggers happen to everyone, I know some people have really dreadful issues, but I also know people who have overcome such things, and never thought about leaving.

I cant help but think of my xh as a coward, someone who ran, rather than face, he ran from everything and everyone, with not even looking back.

We were not psychic, and when I did try to help just after BD I was told "Oh you have all the answers"!

Anyway hugs to all
NN

[Foxberry]

hear hear Niff-Naff and Bon-Bon - my situation exactly!  My normally quiet H anyway just withdrew without me even noticing he was even MORE quiet...unless you live - walking on eggshells with your H - why would you be looking for signs of him leaving - in my case after 28 years?   This is their journey, their sorrow, their dissatisfaction with life/marriage etc., and if they won't talk about it how for goodness sake are we supposed to know what's going on?  My H said "if we'd communicated this would never have happened" really!!!  what he SHOULD have said was "If I'd spoken up and told you my worries and concerns we could have worked on our marriage, but instead I cheated on you and went off with another cheating, low life woman"  ha, ha!  Ummm, I don't think I'll EVER hear my H say that! He's perfect and everything wrong in our marriage is 100% my fault..... NOT.....

Love and hugs
Fox xx