[Foxberry]

Absolutely!!!   Tell him you know he wants to fix things so just give you his credit card & that will be a good start. :-).   

Seriously - we are joking, but we would love to meet up, even for a cool glass of wine.

Lots of love
Fox.   XxxX

[Faith]

Although we are all shocked at bomb drop, I think that many of us had some inklings into issues that we dismiss as "normal relationship stuff".  For most of us, life did get in the way, as does the complacency that comes along with long-term marriages. We know that we intend to be with our partner through "thick and thin" and in our minds, that same idea is reciprocated back to us. I think that is one of the most painful aspects.....people giving up and not working towards a positive ending.

Once we get "the speech", we are left with no recourse. The MLC'er is done. Sure, they may go "through the motions" of various attempts to "try", but those are little more than superficial acts to give the appearance of working through things. They were done long before they tell us. No amount of pretzeling on our part is going to make any difference.....neither does begging, pleading, or crying. It irritates them and solidifies in their minds that getting away from us is the right decision.

So, where does that leave us? It leaves us "out of the equation" during MLC. Nothing we do is going to change their path. They need to walk through this journey alone. We can't help them. Trying to help them puts us in the way and likely lengthens the trip.

All we can do is stand back. Let them make the decisions they need to make, reap the consequences, and hope that in the end, they come through this better, more centered individuals with their good qualities realigned. There are no guarantees in any of this. That is the reality.

For some, the marriage/relationship will start over again. It will be a different relationship one in which all cards must be on the table. It will be two people who know that love is an action and not a feeling. We choose to love people, in spite of the decisions they make. They can choose to love us, in spite of what infatuations my lie on the other side of the fence.....for the grass is not always greener on the other side, it just takes longer for the washable markers to wear off.

Still, this is the best and most concise description of the LBS experience I think I've ever seen.  I wish I could send it to my wayward H, but of course it would be pointless.  I don't remember, have you ever tried to talk to your H about MLC?  I have never brought up the term to mine.

[Foxberry]

Faith,

Thank you for repeating the quote from Still... it is, as you say, the best description I have ever read... doesn't give me any hope whatsoever, but has stopped me calling my H this morning....if only to hear his voice on his answering machine.... I find the description upsetting and yet it makes me FACE reality..... he had stopped loving me long before BD, for me, the worst bit for me to read was:

We choose to love people, in spite of the decisions they make. They can choose to love us, in spite of what infatuations my lie on the other side of the fence.....for the grass is not always greener on the other side, it just takes longer for the washable markers to wear off.

I wish I'd seen this before my Easter reconciliation     because I kidded myself that he had finished with OW and could just forget his feelings for her - even though H told me he still had feelings for her.... you can't  MAKE someone love you or stay with you..... so very sad and after 29 years of marriage.... I do blame OW too though if she hadn't been a woman of no morals whatsoever and made herself available to a married man - maybe, just maybe he could have talked to me about things? I don't know..... I wish I didn't hate her - but I do... she has given my H a home, paid for clothes, food and now a holiday on Saturday.... doesn't make me look a very attractive alternative does it?

So sad
Fox xxxx

Apologies for hijacking thread arp1 

[arp1]

No apology required Fox 

I agree, reading this for the 2nd or 3rd time, that Stills post is a perfect distillation of our collective experience.

This is an interesting post.

I would say Bon Bon that I am the pessimist with the glass half-empty approach whereas my ex always had the glass half-full  outlook.  However, as I always said, this meant that things came as a pleasant surprise to me if they were better and an upset to him if they were worse.

I honestly had no idea that this was going to happen.  We were probably in a bit of a rut but every relationship goes through that and if only he had really said that he felt we had drifted apart, I'm sure we could have done something about it.  However, the flattery of an old flame from the past was more appealing.  He truly does seems to think that they can go back to their 'younger selves'....

I'm not a pessimist, more of a realist, but I think you are right Chrysalis. This reflects what I see in my sitch exactly. Ex-bf OM comes along and the dream starts that she can go back to her old self with him, etc.

[BonBon]

Fox,
Don't forget...she is a symptom of his MLC, nothing more.  Yes, she's making life easy for him but the situation of safe haven she has provided won't chase away his demons. 

With apologies again for a short hijack, re: travels to London, I have till October so I will see what I can work out!   

[Still]

I don't remember, have you ever tried to talk to your H about MLC?  I have never brought up the term to mine.

Ah, yes. I did make that mistake early on. I spoke to him about it maybe 2-3 times in 2008, before the speech, when I realized that he was going through such an emotional rollercoaster, was extremely unhappy, and did have any zest for anything. Of course, he vehemently denied that could be the case.

Since that time and as recently as last month, he has brought up my OCD with him being in MLC. I haven't mentioned it in almost 3 years, yet he still feels the need to tell me that he isn't. I think, deep-down, he knows there is something to it, but would never admit it.

[honour]

Foxberry,

My husband told me that he needed to figure out things with himself and he could fix it himself.  Then he was living with ow in about 4 weeks.  Now how can he figure things out with himself if he is with ow?  This is beyond me. 

I totally understand your situation. My W said she needed her own space, wasn't dependent on me now, had no intention of shacking up with anyone, would buy a place locally and live alone. Fast forward three months from her saying those words and she leaves country, family and friends and moves in with OM. I haven't seen or spoken to her since.

Co-dependency is all they know. MLC is a futile attempt to grow up in the way they failed to do first time around. They fail a second time because they go straight into another co-dependency. If they did live alone and find themselves it would be much healthier but actually getting in touch with the "real them" is too terrifying, hence the inevitable adulterous relationship.

honour

[limitless]

Faith,

Thank you for repeating the quote from Still... it is, as you say, the best description I have ever read... doesn't give me any hope whatsoever, but has stopped me calling my H this morning....if only to hear his voice on his answering machine.... I find the description upsetting and yet it makes me FACE reality..... he had stopped loving me long before BD, for me, the worst bit for me to read was:

We choose to love people, in spite of the decisions they make. They can choose to love us, in spite of what infatuations my lie on the other side of the fence.....for the grass is not always greener on the other side, it just takes longer for the washable markers to wear off.

I wish I'd seen this before my Easter reconciliation     because I kidded myself that he had finished with OW and could just forget his feelings for her - even though H told me he still had feelings for her.... you can't  MAKE someone love you or stay with you..... so very sad and after 29 years of marriage.... I do blame OW too though if she hadn't been a woman of no morals whatsoever and made herself available to a married man - maybe, just maybe he could have talked to me about things? I don't know..... I wish I didn't hate her - but I do... she has given my H a home, paid for clothes, food and now a holiday on Saturday.... doesn't make me look a very attractive alternative does it?

So sad
Fox xxxx

Apologies for hijacking thread arp1 

Fox,
I am going to respond on your thread.

Limitless

[Trustandlove]

Just to add my bit to the discussion on whether or not to mention MLC or not. 

Don't.

I did once, a few months in -- first I suggested that it might be depression, as that was something I knew about; when I found out about MLC in general (still not enough, though) I mentioned it to him as well.  Once. 

Since then he's thrown that back at me several times, saying "you don't think I'm serious, you still think I'm having a midlife crisis".  Never mind that last year, at a low point, he said "maybe I'm just continuing my midlife crisis".  By then I had thankfully learned to not say anything, at least about that.

[Still]

T&L,

It sure makes me wonder if they don't on some subconscious level realize that it is MLC. Otherwise, why would they keep bringing it up as if we are saying it to them daily. As I said, I haven't mentioned it for years, yet he still makes it sound like I say it daily.

On the other hand, when people contact me to offer support because they have seen my h in public and his announcement that we are no longer together, many have said, "Do you think it is a midlife crisis?"