[Is your MLCer High or Low Energy]

Is your MLCer High or Low Energy

High Energy

18 (39.1%)

Low Energy

17 (37%)

I don't know, he seems kind of in-between

11 (23.9%)

Total Members Voted: 45

Voting closed: June 27, 2011, 01:28:35 PM

[Darth Obo]

Gender: Female
Age at BD: 41
Infidelity: Emotional x2 (heavy flirting, sexually charged but not direct). She was making plans to meet/see #2 (childhood exbf on FB) when I busted her. Both alienators confronted and gone; no others known.
Are they home: Yes as of 5/28/2014, never left.
Kids: Yes, S21 & D11, S21 is in military and D11 still at home.
Pursuit & Distance: Pre-Bomb She was primary pursuer although I did some pursuing as well. Post-Bomb I pursued / she distanced. After learning about distance & pursuit I have attempted to be as steady as possible; do my best not to pursue and 180 as quickly as possible when I see her distance.

Definitely Low-Energy

Military family with history of multiple deployments & separation. I was very work focused and was distant in my own ways which did contribute to potential neglect / disconnect so legitimate complaint there which is what she focuses on. I believe the triggers are my retirement & S21 leaving home for military in 2009 & 2012 respectively. I had to confront her for the BD; ILYBNILWY; cried and said she was sorry; spewed out some script (did not know is was script at the time).

Most of the time, you wouldn't think anything is wrong. We are still good friends, have conversation, go out to eat, go out on "dates", socialize with friends, etc.

Started several "GAL" activities but never lasted more than 3 months; still sleeps with me, clinging boomerang; will pursue as soon as I distance / 180; always tired; aging rapidly; actively tried/tries to reconnect.

Some of the "script" I has received (in no particular order):
- ILYBNILWY
- It's not you it's me (started after I implemented consistent changes)
- You deserve someone better
- Don't you want someone who will love you back
- I don't love you anymore and I'll never love you again (followed by random ILY throughout crisis)
- What if I could be happy with someone else?
- I am not looking for anyone else
- A replacement is the last thing I am looking for (i.e. new man)
- I want my space
- You make my skin crawl
- maybe it's too little too late?
- it is too little too late!
- I don't know how else to try (to "fall back in love" with me / fix the marriage)
- Can we have an open marriage (upon discovery of EA2)
- I am horny all the time; I like to f**k
- I don't want to have sex with you (followed by wanting / asking for sex within 48 hours)
- Can we still have sex? (asked during EA2 bust; she wanted it right then presumably to "make up")
- Sometimes I want to have sex with other men, but not for the sex; I want to feel a connection.
- I am so f**cked up in the head
- You should just leave me before I do something to really hurt you
- I wish you would just leave
- I need some space
- I hope you will get mad and leave me so I don;t have to be the bad guy
- I am so confused; not sure what I want

Even with all the above, she still maintains a high level of clarity. Says she knows something is wrong with her; it isn't all about me & her. Has made IC appointments on her own. Shows signs of wanting to reconcile but unable to do so (still looking external). Gets frustrated after a while, then blows up wanting out (at least that's what I believe is happening). Still sleeps in bed with me, still kisses me goodbye in the morning. Still snuggles with me on occasion.

OBO

[ScarlettMarie]

Gender: Male
Age at BD: 41
If there is infidelity it is emotional.
He lives at home with me. Sleep in the same bed.
Kids: 2 D both 13
Pursuit and Distance: He doesn't pursue at all. Right after BD, we still kissed hello and goodbye when leaving. After he said he could no longer do C that stopped. I no longer pursue. We just keep a pleasant distance.

Low-Energy.

Before BD he started walking everyday, even weekends. Now he is down to 2-3 times a week. Since BD he goes out twice a week after work. I have no idea with whom. I've never asked. He never complains about how he looks. He tells me he's comfortable being his age, and having grey hair. His one big complaint is the kids don't show him affection and don't want to spend time with him anymore.

He hardly, if ever, Monsters. He had some anger right after BD. That is gone. It was never nasty, or directed towards me. It was just a blow up here or there about whatever. Things that would've never have upset him before. This was when we were going to C. Since then it has stopped. After we stopped C, he told me he felt better then he had in months about the "whole situation". When he did BD, he said there was no reason to be hasty about our decisions, and he wanted to help me with everything. He wanted it cordial. As a boundary I told him to stop, and he no longer voices ideas on how he thinks he should help me.

I have undone house projects all over. However, this is nothing new. He has been this way for about 3 years now. He used to have a hard time sitting still. The house stuff went first, but he would always go outside and find something to tinker with. In the last 6-8 months that is gone too. He now just comes home, and watches hours, and I mean HOURS of television. This man used to watch about one half hour sitcome a week. It's wild. His memory is gone. He doesn't remember things that I told him three days ago.

He takes no responsibility for our relationship. It has been me or us as a couple. We just "aren't good together". We are "roommates" and "complacent". He says he will probably never have another relationship, and he has even told me he doesn't want a woman with kids. I figure he looks at it as more work than he is up for.

[seeker6571]

Male
first BD in 2008 (age 38 at the time), moved in with buddy, no legal action came home after 4 months (OW and PA during that time)

Second BD 2013 (age 42), moved in with parents. We are legally separated (I believe his dad pushed for this and since he "cried wolf" last time and needed this action to save face now." Do not know if there is an OW this time, but there was "texting" with someone prior to BD that he tells me was his red  flag that "we" were in trouble.

No kids.

Pre BD I was the pursuer, now I am the distancer. He works out of town, but had maintained fairly regular contact (about every 2 weeks or so) Says our friendship is very important to him. Will take me for supper. At time of BD put all of the responsibility for the (failed) M on my plate, absolved himself of any wrong doing or fault. In other aspects however, keeps telling me about all of the great qualities I have. Gives me long lingering hugs when he has not seen me for some time.

Other than when we were dealing with legal issues, have seen little monster behavior. And of this, most was in the form of texts that hurt me so very deeply. This suits his non-confrontational communication style. He has always had a motorcycle, so nothing new there. Leaving the M (and all of the responsibility) allows freedom w/o pressure. Does not seem to be showing typical replay behavior. That I'm aware of.

Yes I question if this is MLC. He is sooo nice. Those on the outside just think the M didn't work and buy his reasons for leaving. They see nothing "wrong" with him. But I know he had a difficult teen-adult transition. He has always searched for who he is and has tried on lots of hats even since I have known him. Has never been able to stand up to his Dad (who is very loud, opinionated and controlling) and avoids all confrontation (friends, job, marriage) and runs from (big) problems. Seems like an identity crisis to me which = MLC. For more detail, please see my thread.

[Thunder]

Scarlett, wow you could be talking about my X.  He was the same way, never sat in front of the TV all day like he does now.  Yard work, that he used to enjoy, just doesn't get done.

I think the depression just makes them exhausted all the time.  They, literally, have to force themselves to do things.

[ScarlettMarie]

Thunder, I have thought a few times the last couple of days our situations sound the same. 

[Darth Obo]

Scarlett, wow you could be talking about my X.  He was the same way, never sat in front of the TV all day like he does now.  Yard work, that he used to enjoy, just doesn't get done.

I think the depression just makes them exhausted all the time.  They, literally, have to force themselves to do things.

Same thing here...only instead of TV, it's FB, Pinterest & Sudoku! Come home, 75% of time doesn't even change cloths, plops down and semi-watches TV & works her iDevices. Eventually, she falls asleep in the chair and I have to tell her to go to bed! the conversation we had going has ground to a halt and she is about as fun as watching grass grow!

Weekends....we go to beach where she falls asleep/silent in the sun for like 4-6 hours! Other than that, this is the only time projects get completed (rarely); she may shop a little too. lots of naps!

She has started to go to gym again 3 x a week; this is about the 5th workout program she has tried. See how long it lasts; bet not more than 2 months tops!

Always tired....always!


OBO!

[ScarlettMarie]

The ironic part of his t.v. watching is it's all home improvement shows. My house could be a home improvement show.

[Lanzo]

Very High energy MLC’er

Gender: Female
Age at Bomb Drop: 04/2007 (43),
Infidelity: Many phone friends that I now know to be EA’s, 2 of these developed in to her PA’s. 4PA’s that I know of and still in contact with 3 of them at various levels of infidelity but still continues with #4 who is very new and infatuation is still very high.
Are they home? Still at home but stays with OM#4 Friday Saturday night.
Kids: D12
Pursuit & Distance Dynamics: I pursed all of the time in the hope of saving the marriage and xW distanced all the time.  As I look back I can see this was the dynamics throughout our whole relationship. I stopped pursuing when we started the divorce process.


History
At the start it was her escape and avoid, then a PA, I busted that and we agreed to work on the M. Then I got ILYBNILWY, she continued the with PA that ended, we work on marriage again. Years of escape and avoid & distance an pursuit. Finally we start the divorce process and then she goes crazy with OM’s, one after another. Monster is there all the time and can get quite nasty. We are finally divorced but she refuses to move out. All of this over the course of 10 years but there were signs of this right in the begging of our 20 years together.

so yes we are finally divorced.