[Synicca]

Thanks Annej....I can only pray for a miracle now!!

hugs

[LisaLives]

Today I would give both my kids for a new basket since S14 broke one while throwing stuff, so a sofa sounds like a really good deal...  He is mad at me and once again, threatening to go live with his father because he and OW will let him play paintball all the time and buy him the pads he wants...  OMG, parenting teens through divorce is so ugly, there are days I am tempted to put them on that plane.  So if anyone wants to go for the furniture, I can send you two kids, give me a shout--they're cute, but darn lazy, and they eat a lot and have expensive taste in clothes...  Not a good pitch, huh, how about a temporary trade?   

[Mamma Bear]

         LL Do they put blankets over the chairs and make tents?
     Do they leave naked Barbies all over the place. And Hannah montana wigs I wish I could get all that $$ back from this stuff.
  Now they're talking Christmas! Get outta dodge.
 I want to have a nice clean house without all this clutter and mess.  The noise alone from them will kill you.  LOL

[Stillpraying]

MB -
Mine are making tents and bear caves right this minute.  I am not allowed to change D2's nappy yet because "the stink is part of the play"  - I have just watched an animal play and now am about to be treated to a pirate play.  So much for house work!  Just come out of Midlife dimension's chat room.
Better get on with changing nappy and doing dishes and Oh, get dressed 

[LettingGo]

Kikki and AnneJ,

I don't really have any advice for either of you..... I just felt prompted to say what I did, so I said it. If there is something there for you, you will know. The legal action is certainly a way to distance.... I have no idea how to handle that.... I THINK I might try and get 30 minutes of his time alone and just say "Is there any reason why we can't just be kind to one another? I only wish the best for you...." and see what happens, which would be a crapshoot.

Imagining what I might do is an indulgence, because NO ONE knows how they would handle this situation if it were happening to them...

I just got off the phone with my BF who I am concerned may be showing signs of MLC anxiety.... no way for me to know, and I'm hypervigilant, so not really fair... Her husband has sever depression and had a mental breakdown a couple of weeks ago, so we've had a lot of talk lately...

Unfortunately, I need to learn to lie and tell her "everything's great" when she asks about my husband, or if she asks what I'm up to, to not mention him no matter what.... I get a loving lecture every time about only talking about him and not about me..... ummm... I DID talk about me, what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, learning, my job, changes I want to make and then I talk about HIM because he is a huge part of my life.... sorry if your husband doesn't rate in your world, but mine actually does. Doesn't mean there is something wrong with me....

She goes on and on about how she is not willing to spend another 25 years with him, and she just wants out.... that she feels MAJOR anxiety every morning when she wakes up in her home, and since she's never felt that way before, it must be him. I agree that his mental state may be the cause of her anxiety.... but is there possibly something else at play here? She has been unsettled for years.... it's fine with me if she wants to leave him.... go ahead. Now she says she will not leave him while he's so unstable... gonna wait until he becomes stable again.... says that his life is his to fix, not her problem..... let his therapists and doctors help him... it's not her job.

Lectures me about not having a stong Al Anon program... she's right.... I go for MY reasons, which she tells me are not good enough, and won't work. That the only way for me to get well is to commit  one hundred percent... I don't disagree... but I also don't agree with her assessment that the only problem my husband has is untreated alcoholism. he does have that, and he also is having a severe MLC. But WTH do I know.... I'm just a co dependent and enabler.

So let me stand up and say, once again, how lonely it is to walk this road as the LBS.... even our smartest friends ASSUME we are weaklings who can't live without our husbands while they "would not put up with it... life's too short!" Maybe I'm the crazy one.... maybe I'm completely co dependent and I'm just married to an a**hole who cheats.... maybe it's ME who won't face the truth.... forget about the fact that everyone who posts on this forum tells the EXACT same story, except for a few details.... Same words.... same deeds....

I listened and tried not to feel like I had to "explain" why my husband's affair is different.... why he can't let go of OW.... to hear her subtly try to get me to "think" so that I could become more aware and just accept that I was enabling my husband's bad behavior.... that he doesn't really love me.... that he's never going to be better.... that I should "put my foot down" and be "old school take no bulls***" and then he would straighten up.... The inference that his behavior is not MLC, but simply untreated alcoholism and that if I don't cut him off completely, it will be my fault if he never gets well.

I know she can't understand..... I honestly hope she's not heading into her own crisis... honestly.... but I have seen a lot of signs... and yes, she "has done the work" and been sober and in therapy for 20 years... but she holds it up as everyone's standard to attain, and if you don't, or aren't on her timeline, you are simply WEAK and UNWILLING and unworthy of her empathy..... still, she just ended an EA with a old love that went NOWHERE, and that lasted for over a year.... she talked about him constantly, yet he gave her nothing. I'm not judging her... but I have seen some signs and I hope I am wrong.... she takes good care of herself, and is on bio identical hormone therapy.... watches it carefully.... and yet... I see the signs...

When my husband comes out of this, what will people think? Will they think he's the same and that I could have done better, but didn't have the guts to try? Or will they see a new man, and the type of marriage everyone envies? Cuz that is what I'm standing for... a marriage that I envy along with everyone else... I want that.... the older couple holding hands and walking along the beach... romantic in the way that truly intimate couples are, and you don't see it much...

I know how much I've grown.... but no one sees it because I dare to talk about my husband and his crazy behavior..... he exists.... and his life is intertwined with ours, and not always in a dysfunctional way.... he is trying, and he's getting better... but getting better just looks like crumbs to most people..... most people just trade partners and continue on with their path until it's time to trade partners again... the ideal is to be able to learn and grow with your life partner.... and I actually do know couples that have been married since they were 20 years old.... now middle aged, and still together... they have an easy relationship, at least in public... it seems mature... they spend time together that is fulfilling as companions, and also time apart on sabbatical.... they are individuals who are happy to be married.... balanced....

So, who do I have that understands MLC, now that this forum is so filled with people unwilling to acknowledge MLC..... still questioning... still angry because they can only imagine their spouses have suddenly changed so drastically because they are bad people.... who is willing to empathize and not call it co dependent? Who is willing to commit to their marriage because they remember how much they loved each other once... that perhaps the old marriage was dysfunctional, but a new one could be fashioned from the hearts of two mature people who have endured together...

WHo is willing to say "yes, my husband is cheating, but he is not in his right mind, so I've got to give him a pass, as painful as it is...." Who is willing to say "I'm growing and learning and I have a life outside of my husband, but I still think of him daily, and why shouldn't I? We are in crisis... if he had cancer, it would be my main focus.... how could it not be?" Yet, I would find time for me to regroup, rest and think.... Who is willing to say "It is HIS life, HIS crisis and there's not much I can do about it, but I'm not afraid to say I love him and I wish he were home and not at OW's..... I wish he weren't depressed because I know how long this crisis can last, and it's hard....It's hard on me and our kids.... and it's hard on him..... and no one understands"

[kikki]

Who is willing to say "It is HIS life, HIS crisis and there's not much I can do about it, but I'm not afraid to say I love him and I wish he were home and not at OW's..... I wish he weren't depressed because I know how long this crisis can last, and it's hard....It's hard on me and our kids.... and it's hard on him..... and no one understands"

LG - this is such a lonely path.

I've been socialising more lately, and I find it fun but harder in many ways because I get the ' Oh I heard you and your H have split.  He's an absolute idiot ' speech.  I sigh and pretty much say what you said above. 
I then get 'the look' from them - I don't think anyone understands unless they've walked this path.

In fact, I think, if this was one of my friends, I doubt that I'd get it either - without having experienced it myself.

Keep the faith - there are many of us who believe in MLC.  Maybe that's one of the hardest things for us to learn.  Just because we don't have hundreds backing us - it doesn't make us wrong.

Keep on keeping on LG - you're doing great

[Thundarr]

LG - I give you the honor of "Post of the Day" as that was truly eloquent.  You make your points well, and remind all of us that we are living in a world that much of the world does not even acknowledge.  You really do have to walk in our shoes to believe this is real and that it isn't a joke.  Great points and well put. 

Bravo, LG!!

[stayingthecourse]

LettingGo,

That was very well put.  It is a hard lonely journey.  I have days where I feel like there is no point in standing - the exhaustion just get too much.  Your plan of taking the time to acknowledge the hurt and pain, is a good one. 

I do believe my H is having an MLC.  Will we reconcile? Who knows. But I love my husband, I know he is not in his "right" mind. I see him struggle with everyday interactions - this is not obvious to everyone else but sometimes (most times) he makes illogical choices that he sees as normal - when he has to deal with either me or our children.

Unlike you, at this point, I do not have to deal with H having a public relationship with OW.  In fact, only a few people know we are separated and it has been a little over a year since he left. 

This is hard. Really, really, hard. I am/was codependent even though my H is not an alcoholic.  My father was and I guess I learned my lessons well while growing up. 

I am slowly but surely healing myself, and at the end of the day I can see that there is the possibility of a mature, loving relationship with my H.  I have no idea if my H will ever come to this conclusion, but if he doesn't, I will still love him. 

I do have the example of my parents who were married young, my mom was 16, my dad 18.  They survived my fathers alcoholism, and created a relationship that endured until the day my dad passed away. This is what I want - I know it is possible to go through hell and come out with a great relationship.

Bottom line, I stand for my marriage because, like you, I see how much I have grown, I see what the future could hold, and I want that future.
Thank you for your post.  You were able to put into words exactly how I feel.  This is my life, others can judge me if they want, but I am standing for what I believe my future will be.

STC

[Chloe1977]

For me, both are hard but the EA is hardest. What I find difficult to understand is how my H can say he loves OW yet he's living at home with us. He actually moved home to "be a family" as he put it.  When I think about him having sex with ANY one else, I get sick to my stomach because that was what we shared and I feel like he's taking something that is meant for me and giving it to someone else. It sounds selfish, but it's how I feel. But the EA is hard because I know how much he loved (or maybe even still loves) me. He will even say he loves me and that I am his family, but that he's just not in love with me (whatever the hell that means).
He's had other PA's while still having the EA/PA with OW which sickens me more (trying not to be judgmental). So like I said before, they are both hard, but for me, EA is probably the hardest because he told ME he'd love me forever.

[Dandy Lion]

Before I found out about OW my H told me he did not love me the same as he did before.  He saw me more like a sister.  This hurt me the most because I felt he really had lost his feelings for me.  When I found out about OW and his EA/PA I was actually quite relieved because I knew the love he had for me was not totally lost and that it was because of OW and his MLC that he could not feel anything for me.