[Trustandlove]

I don't understand this latest bit.....   who is being too sweet and kind to our poor, lost MLCers? 

And of course I'm not DGU, but it has recently been pointed out to me that in that last year before he left I was anything but sweetness and light to my MLCer -- there is a difference between genuinely expressing needs and feelings, and sniping and being snarky.

Nothing to do with my MLCer, but that sharpness is something that I don't like about myself, and am taking this time to learn to temper it.  That doesn't mean not expressing myself, just thinking about HOW I do so.  And that IMO is positive. 

[stayed]

Trust&Love:

There is nothing remotely normal or common with any MLCer, be they a clinger, a vanisher, a boomerang, whatever.  There is nothing that works for everybody, nothing.  What works for one will do nothing for another.  It is a crazy, insane situation and that is why everybody, whether they have a clinger, a boomerang or a vanisher, just get the hell out of their way. 

I don't mean physically T&L.. I mean mentally, emotionally.  You have children, most in here do also, there is no way any of you can distance yourselves physically from your MLCer but you can distance yourself from the pain they are dishing out.  You can stop them from subjecting you to it, you have rights as much as they do. 

When your MLCer says something unkind to you, you should be able to say... do not talk to me like that, or I will arrange to have somebody else be here when you come to pick up the children.  You do not have to be their whipping boy/girl... ever.  There are many ways of subjecting you to their vile cruelty.  One lady was telling me her h kept talking about how the condone section at the stores were empty now that the college students were back.  That's cruel.  This LBS knows they (he and she) don't need condoms. 

All I am saying to everybody, it is up to us to PROTECT OURSELVES from their innate cruelty.  It seems to come with the crisis, just mean and cruel.  You do that by emotionally distancing yourself from them... completely.  You leave them to it.  Nothing upsets an MLCer more, then US LBS being immune to what they are dishing out.  No point in being nasty any more is there, if we don't react... at all. 

The only way we can not react is to totally detach from them.  Simply see them as a necessary evil in our lives.  Hope they can come out of it before we totally move on.  That they become better people for the whole experience and that the changes they come out of it with, meet our needs, if we are STILL there to take them back and give them another chance. 

That is all we can do.

Hugs Stayed

[Dontgiveup]

MLCers are in Escape and Avoid.  They may not worry about losing their spouse/ex-spouse for quite some time....and certainly not in the beginning, which can easily be the first two years or more.

And I think there is plenty of information on this website to show there are many commonalities with MLCers.

As always, I completely agree with detaching, not engaging the MLCer, and being responsive vs reactive.

[Trustandlove]

  When your MLCer says something unkind to you, you should be able to say... do not talk to me like that, or I will arrange to have somebody else be here when you come to pick up the children.   

Of course -- I think the point is that that can be done calmly, rather than nastily. 

[stayed]

Most everybody T&L...most everybody is afraid that they will push their MLCer away completely, for good.  So they walk very cautiously, thinking carefully before they speak, showing kindness when they are receiving none etc. etc.  Everybody tipsy toes around their MLCer... even you do... STILL!

There is no trick or scam or any sure way of getting your partner back.  All you can do, is get on with your life.  Honestly, truly get on with your life, pursuing your careers, enjoying your children, your friends and your family... FOR YOURSELF.  Find a happy, healthy capable you, who is totally self sufficient.  Learn to enjoy life, just for yourself... not for anybody elses pleasure, simply your own.

Quite frankly Dontgiveup, the quote from RCR could have been a quote out of any BIBLE.  Everything she said there is basic rules for polite and proper behaviour for anybody in any situation.  That is not stuff that should JUST be applied to your MLCer.  The problem is, no matter what you say to a MLCer, it is always misunderstood or twisted or distorted to whatever cruel purpose they want to employ it.  As I said the best thing... STAY AWAY FROM THEM.   Hopefully someday they will come and apologize for being such a cruel, nasty piece of work to you. 

hugs Stayed...

[stayed]

T&L

Of course -- I think the point is that that can be done calmly, rather than nastily. 

I think in an ideal world that would be lovely also T&L.  Accept that, we are HUMAN BEINGS... who are hurting and denying our pain is just as difficult as them denying what they are going through.  I think our expectations of how we SHOULD behave is totally unfair and quite honestly, darn near impossible for most of us, unless they have been dealing with this for years and years.  Without doubt, with practice and time in, you can certainly control your outbursts etc. much better.

[hyperglad]

My H recent visits have been great, no confrontation, no overt monster , why because everything was on his terms....I think it was good while it lasted, I think it paved the way, we grew close, we were intimate again, I loved him coming here, so I know many may say why did i rock the boat and tell him i was letting his go...

i know many on here would have loved what we had, he cooked, he did chores, he slept here...but it wasn't sincere and i could feel it....is this a knowing, not sure. Many will know I am not religious but I am quite spiritual, i could tell he wasn't committed, to his defence he hasn't once in ages said I want to work on us....he has always said...i like living alone, no pressure. But the thing was he wasn't living alone was he...he was living here on his terms, doing what he wanted on his terms, throwing me crumbs on his terms....and this goes against everything I have worked to achieve in my life.

So I could have maybe gone on for another 2 years with him visiting and pretending to everyone he still lived here  but that goes against me, who I am. I feel i am now strong enough to deal with this. He has hoovered me back in the past with...I will cut the grass...no its OK we can do it...I will clean the pond...no its OK we can manage...he needs to see what it would be like if I met someone else and he moved in...he couldn't pop in for a cuppa then could he

[stayingthecourse]

I feel the same way Hyper.  I feel like I have been "released," for lack of better words.  There does come a point where you get strong enough to stop the cycle of "oh he is here, what should I do now that won't rock the boat." 

The house I live in is one that my H and I literally build ourselves - we designed it and then did everything except plumbing, electrical, and heating and air.  It is built on land that my father "sold" to ME for $10.  I know that my H has not really looked at the possibility that I may  ACTUALLY move on to have a relationship with someone else - and that someone could be living in this house. 

STC

[stayed]

I feel the same way Hyper.  I feel like I have been "released," for lack of better words.  There does come a point where you get strong enough to stop the cycle of "oh he is here, what should I do now that won't rock the boat." 

It's a feeling, a knowing that can't be explained to another! You simply know in your heart, you will be just fine, with or without your spouse.  You are now able to watch from a distance and accept whatever the outcome is.  It is a strange feeling, until you are there, it is not possible to describe. 

It is not a "I'm done, I want a divorce"... or even a "I don't care anymore"... it is simply acceptance that "what will be.... will be"!  You watch it all unfold as an impartial observer, as though it has NOTHING to do with your life.  I guess because it really doesn't anymore.

Hugs Stayed

[Musica]

And that ... as Stayed describes so well,  ... is true detachment, what we should all be aiming for.