[LisaLives]

I wanted to check on Syn's thread, and saw that there had been a major hikack.  She says i her thread that she is leaving the community because she does not feel welcome here any longer as a stander, due to the presence of so many people here who have chosen to stand down.  I copied a post by FTT because she raised a topic I have thought about raising for a couple months now, but did not know how, and then she said it ever so eloquently.

This board is young and as it "grows up" even RCR has said that she does not expect most people will have the courage to stand forever.  I don't think anyone here has been antagonistic, or against standers, but as the community matures, there will be lots of growth and change in people and situations.  Most people started here as standers, is it fair to tell them that when they stand down, they have to leave--are you not friends with people who dropped out of college, or high school?  Do they not have lots to teach you even though your paths may have differed?  Anyway, I'm babbling and FTT said it so well...   

This is a journey and no one can predict what is around the bend. The beauty of this journey is that groups of us started together and we have moved along the way, but even though on the same timeline, each of us has had a different experience. I think that there is something to do with the timing of the board´s existence and the the forks in the road that some of us have encountered. I don´t think any of us would want to dissuade another from standing. You´ve got to realize that if someone stands down, it is only b/c something utterly awful has occurred (a drastic one time event or repeated horrible events) and that folks on here RELY on their travel mates for support EVEN if they chose to stand down. To ask someone to leave the forum for having reached the end of a different rope would be cruel.

When I first joined the forum I was in physical pain from the heartache (they don´t call it an ache for nothing). I could not absorb
Stayed´s advice. After a time, I took up her 3 month rule. I am now 19 months since BD1 but it was getting bizarro since 2008 and I think he had some sort of dalliance in 2006, so for Pete´s sake, people come here for support. Please make them welcome and know that standing down comes with sorrows of its own. I think there is value in keeping the members no matter which way they go. For me, it gave me strength to know that the folks who ended up divorced did NOT curl up in a ball and retire to the corner. We do need to know that one can rebuild a life. There is hope in that as well.

There is an ENORMOUS difference in the emotional state of the LBSer at 3, 6, 9, 12, 18 months in on the journey. Accept that if you are behind someone else´s timeline that you too will experience changes. Thankfully, the majority of those changes are for the betterment of you. The crappy circumstances tend to remain in place but YOU will grow enough on the inside to frame them differently. THAT is the benefit of having long term members, no matter the outcome.

Yes, RCR has the goal of preventing the pattern of divorce and power to her for doing a Herculean effort in putting this site together. I have met some of the most amazing people who I would otherwise never have met. I also believe that RCR put this site together to support the LBSer. That is why I remain.

[unbroken]

I would hope that all would stay. 
You just never know... some of the marriages of the "non-standers" may be the ones to reconcile.
Just because the stander has "moved on" doesn't mean the Lord is done working in the situation.
Bob and Charlyne were divorced.  I know several marriages restored after divorce.
We all have things to teach and learn.
I also personally think that some of the people "not standing" are just standing farther away...

[limitless]

LIW,
What a very nice way to put it.
Non Standers just may be Standing further away.

I guess I go back to the article RCR wrote regarding "it doesn't matter what you do."  (DGU - I know that you know of which one I speak).

The MLCer is on their journey....it's going to take whatever time it's going to take.  What is there for an LBS to do?  There is nothing we can do to hurry it along....although there seems to be some truth that an LBS who is unaccepting of the process may delay it......

We are guided to live like they are not coming back, self focus, GAL, work on forgiveness and such.  What more can we really do?  For those of you who have regular contact with your MLCers - you walk the tightrope of being kind....and potentially becoming a doormat.  For those of you who have little to no contact with your MLCer - you wonder, is this it?

All we can do is the best we can, with the knowledge that we have.  Standing or not....we have to make ourselves a new life - one that will fulfill us, with or without our spouses.

I hope for a reconciliation someday.....maybe it will happen.  It doesn't seem that it will be any time soon.  (I know OP - that is an expectation).

I guess we need to understand that everyone - Standing or not - whose live has been impacted by MLC can gain something from this site...and, on the other hand, also has something to add to this site.  Whether or not we all Stand in the "right way" (whatever that is) or not.

Limitless

[StandandDeliver]

I think it is useful to see how the journey plays out for everyone tbh. As long as we can be supportive of others choices and still true to ourselves and our own mental health. I know that I cycle (like a MLCer) and I have days when I feel done. And I suppose sometimes I am looking for validation even though I know that there are no guarantees. There are never any guarantees in life, but at some point we have to trust other people! The problem is that trusting our MLCer is not an option, unless we accept that they KNOW what they are saying about now and the future and then we need to trust that our marriages are over because they said so and we trust them.

It is a messy business and the similarities between us LBS's are the glue that keeps us together;the similar experiences, the fact that we all love our MLCers but have been devastated by their actions - often actions that harm our children too. But we need to accept and acknowledge the vast differences we encounter too. We have different cultural expectations, different geographies, different personalities, different perspectives, different MLCers! We come from different family backgrounds and have had different life experiences and different marriages - these inform the different ways that we approach our lives. We are all trying to learn about ourselves, about what makes us ticks and to some degree we all start this "standing" business as relative strangers to ourselves and in positions of emotional weakness, (i felt that for me, that feeling of helpless weakness also allowed me touch on the truth of myself - the raw, naked truth of myself, my beauty, my ugliness), which we try to build from to make ourselves better, stronger and more self-aware. But for many of us, this growth is not linear, it is full of ups and downs and tangents. So, I think this forum, as it grows, should be able to encompass us as we all do our best to become the best people we can be, ultimately with our without our MLCer.

I have learned that anger is not "bad", it is necessary. It becomes bad when we let it define us or we hold onto it without letting it go. But it is healthy to have some anger at our sitch's our spouses etc. It is healthy to question our stands from time to time. No?

[hyperglad]

OK he is my 2 peneth or 2 cents for our over seas friends or 2 whatever it is in OZ ha ha.

I think this whole thing has become a "Im right and you're wrong kind of thing", which is so not how it is or how it should be.

I have made every mistake in the book...I have been hard , soft, loving, distant, NC, pursuing...and i think you just have to do what is right for you at the time.

I listen to everyones advice, but as  people don't know everything about me, my H , my sitch there are many differnet factors that in the end we all need to do what feels right for us at the time, that may appear counter productive to some, and they are entitled to voice their opinions, that's what makes life interesting if we all agreed what would the world be like .

Stand, standing, former stander what does it matter, if this forum is helping someone then it is doing its job....Sometimes when I read posts by Syn,SL or LG with their patience and dedication it makes me feel OMG I am doing this all wrong, but no we are all doing it our way ...and no one should say what is right or wrong, but people should have opinions on a forum such as this, otherwise what is the point. 

[Little Chief]

I think with patience  we need perseverance.  Here is a definition that I think really dovetails the concept of standing.

per·se·ver·ance    [pur-suh-veer-uhns]

noun
1.
steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.
2.
Theology . continuance in a state of grace to the end, leading to eternal salvation.

[Anjae]

Lisa, I’m one of the ones who choose not to stand. Not to stand for the current marriage. It is dead anyway. So, its time for divorce. I was standing when I first come here, even if I was sort of done with it. But it was very important, it still is, to be here. To learn from those who are standing for their marriage as well as from those who have stand and reconciled.

Some of us here are already divorced. I don’t think it is a question of not having the courage of standing for ever. It is a question that one has moved on our personal journey and come healed on the other end. RCR features talk about the fact that, many times, LBS ends up the journey before the MLCer and moves on. The timings are different.
Also, our own age, if we already have children or not (and if not if we want them) can make a person change course.

I don’t understand why Syn does not feel welcomed here anymore. Many here are still married and do not plan to divorce. Or, even if divorced, they (will) carry on stand. I do not remember anyone being rude to standers. After all, we all arrived here on that situation. So, Syn, if your are reading this, please come back. We need your point of view and to know about your journey.

forthetree is right, it is necessary to know that people manage to rebuild their lives. Being it by reconciling, remarring their partner or my moving on their own, maybe remarry someone else. There are more than one option. Again, forthetree is right, there is a huge “difference in the emotional state of the LBSer at 3, 6, 9, 12, 18 months in on the journey”. Now, imagine how different it is when you are 5 years down the road. No way you can be the same person. A lot goes one in our lives, not just our MLCer. Things change, we change.

I don’t like divorce one bit. But, sometimes, it is the only way. Or it has become the way. LIW and limitless, yes, I think that those who come to a point of stop standing may, further on, reconcile. And, to a certain extent, divorcing and non standing can be another way of standing. I know you get what I mean.

[Anjae]

I forgot to add one thing. Imagine I’m already more than divorced but I have not remarried yet. Husband is out of MLC, wants to be back and I see he is changed and go for it. I will need this site to help me in such situation. So, even if one stops standing, one still needs this site. And, anyway, a person that has lived with MLC can share its story and hope it can heel others in such hard times.

[OldPilot]

I forgot to add one thing. Imagine I’m already more than divorced but I have not remarried yet. Husband is out of MLC, wants to be back and I see he is changed and go for it. I will need this site to help me in such situation. So, even if one stops standing, one still needs this site. And, anyway, a person that has lived with MLC can share its story and hope it can heel others in such hard times.

Standing is not STILL.

I think what you are describing is exactly what standing IS!

[Anjae]

I forgot to add one thing. Imagine I’m already more than divorced but I have not remarried yet. Husband is out of MLC, wants to be back and I see he is changed and go for it. I will need this site to help me in such situation. So, even if one stops standing, one still needs this site. And, anyway, a person that has lived with MLC can share its story and hope it can heel others in such hard times.

Standing is not STILL.

I think what you are describing is exactly what standing IS!

OP, I know standing is not STILL. And yes, what I'm describing is standing. But there is a bit of a confusion here in the site about the LBS who choose to divorce (and that may be for many reasons, including financial protection).

Like MLC and the MLCer, standing and the LBS change. What goes today may not go anymore tomorrow. Things change everyday in this jorney. Even if, from a certain point on all you can is go forward. Whatever that forward is.