[Buggy31]

Why are MLCER's such suckers for drama?  What are the dynamics behind it?

[ForeverHopefulOne]

I think it should be MLCD - midlife crisis drama!

What happened, Buggy?

[Dontgiveup]

A crisis without drama wouldn't be a crisis.....it would be a transition.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Drama is the truth behind it all. For someone who just wants to have fun, they certainly get bent out of shape rather quickly. They also develop one mean and nasty tongue. My wife never swore prior to this, now she can use the f-word like a sailor. Yet, I smile and move on. If I get hot, become frustrated, I close my eyes, and imagine myself typing on this keyboard to my friends at this site. I just got an A on a major assignment for my doctoral and my ten year old and I rode bikes for over an hour. She was so proud of herself as she went the entire distance without stopping. She then came home and actually took a shower without complaining. What a miracle.

 The one thing this whole mess is that you begin to appreciate the minor victories in life. A good day is truly a good day. This whole process reminds when you are very ill and have a fever. That awful feeling is so overwhelming, you can't remember that you how you felt when you were well. Sometimes I think to myself, someone is going to pop out from the bushes and say, "Jokes over, HA,HA. You did so well. Your wife was just messing with you. Go home and everything will be back to normal. Of course, I go home and the replicant is sill in the computer room. Damn.

My older daughter is starting to melt towards me again. Someone told me the other day she was telling a group of girls that she hates her mother. I told my friend that she did not know about the OM. He said, "Your wife nor you told me anything about it either, but I was told Believe me, she might not know everything, but she is probably in the loop somehow. I have not talked to my daughter about it. I don't want her to be a part of what's between her mother and I. Don't even know how to start. At fourteen, her life is already complicated. Maybe someone on this site can help me in that arena. Talking about drama.

I wonder if my wife knows that her daughter said she hated her. She thinks the girls adore her and that they see me as the bad guy. I bought into that lie. The drama of that was worse then the OM. Now, I see how the MCLer uses guilt and drama for power and to justify their own actions. Well, she's out of the shower and my story that started somewhat sane is now just a ramble of thoughts - but I do agree, everything would be a lot better if there wasn't so much drama.

[Buggy31]

Everything is actually okay right now but I was reading some of the articles and read that MLCERS love drama.  I see this in my husband and I see how he seeks to create drama with me but I'm exhausted and becoming more and more detached so I don't give him the "fix" he's looking for.  He is projecting and directing a lot of his drama toward my family which is going to be a doozy to heal if he every emerges from the tunnel.  I don't feed it.  I don't participate and I am setting boundaries with family members.  I'm not interested in talking about his life outside our family relationships... Except to all of you

[Writingmom]

Buggy, I have been wondering the same thing about their need to feed off of drama like little girls in jr. high!  My H texts the OW's H, me, stirs things up with his family, sometimes my kids...it's insane.  He has rambled on and on to the neighbors, friends from church...almost in a manic way sometimes.  I too try to ignore it.  That seems to be the only answer.  Still it is bizarre! 

Rdytofix, I have a 14-year-old also.  I kept the details from him as it was all occurring.  He knew vaguely about OW, but we did not discuss it until we absolutely had to (when OW became pregnant).  Then it was like all of the blanks were filled in for him.  I could literally see the wheels turning in his mind.  It was difficult to watch the painful realization, but I became the stable parent in that very moment.  We have had some very open, honest conversations since then, and our relationship has benefitted greatly from all of it!

Before he wondered why I was crying all the time, etc...  Now he knows the whole truth, and ugly as it may be, sometimes I think that kids "deal" better when the facts are all on the table.  When they have to guess and wonder, it is difficult and they don't know what to think. 

Hopefully when they emerge the drama factor will be gone and they will remember what it's like to be a mature adult!  I can't take all the he said/she said stuff.  I have enough of that with  my daughter!   

[mercury]

HI
I have a D14 and was having tons of anger problems with her, its all under lost & unsure. Right now she been "good" again, treating me normal.  I found that he spools her up, tells her stuff that isn't true.  I told her the truth and that I no longer want to talk about him because I don't approve of his behavior. I don't talk about him with her pretty much at all, just when he's picking her up.  She meet the OW because he felt she needed to know her to prove he was over me. Another nut statement from a mlcer. I also found that the calmer I am around her the better she responds and since I quit responding to any nasty comments from her, she stop throw them at me.  I think it is important to let our children know that the mlcer's  behavior is wrong, OW/OM are wrong, running away is wrong, and D should not be just convenient.     

[watching and waiting]

My H tries to suck me into his drama about once every 3 months.
I have stopped reacting which confuses him.
I think it is about control issues and him trying to control me and my life.
When things don't go his way - he spews to try and get me to persue.
Instead all I do is distance more.
Patience is key.

HUGS

[Buggy31]

I am seeing more and more how much it is about control.  The less he can control me the angrier he gets.  That's when he might want to incite me with drama.  This is when I breathe and get ready to be strong and not react. Depending on the subject it's easier at some times than others.  But it helps knowing what riles me up so I can be aware.  Finances and my children are biggies, obviously.  One communicating strategy I use with him is to make "gentle suggestions" rather than demands.  Mostly in the form of questions.  Like
M "Maybe you might want to think about taking the kids on Saturday rather than Sunday because you have plans for Sunday (his day on the "kid schedule")?"
H "Yeah that "might" not be a problem.  I don't think I have any plans.  Let me see and get back to you
M "Okay"

He sends me an email the next day stating
I'll watch the kids on Saturday if that's not a problem with you (It's as if it wasn't my suggestion)

[OldPilot]

Just remember that for depressed people/mental illness, CONTROL IS what it is all about.
They need to control things to help to fight their illness.