[Dontgiveup]

Quote from Honour
"I do not read of many cases of return. Yes, there are some but it doesn't seem like most return."

RCR has made mention of this quite a bit.  A likely reason that many do not return is not because the MLCer didn't want to return eventually.....it likely has much more to do with there no longer being a Standing spouse.

From RCR's article Stories and Human Behavior:
"More common is for a person to regret their actions--often when they are too late because the spouse has closed the opportunity for marital reconciliation."

[honour]

Quote from Honour
"I do not read of many cases of return. Yes, there are some but it doesn't seem like most return."

RCR has made mention of this quite a bit.  A likely reason that many do not return is not because the MLCer didn't want to return eventually.....it likely has much more to do with there no longer being a Standing spouse.

Yes, a very good point. And also this board and others are fairly new and as we know MLC is a long process. So who knows, there may be lots of return storys with the passing of time.

honour

[unbroken]

RCR has made mention of this quite a bit.  A likely reason that many do not return is not because the MLCer didn't want to return eventually.....it likely has much more to do with there no longer being a Standing spouse.

She has said it, but we still don't know if it's true or not.
I really think that RCR or some other moderator who is interested should compile the data.  RCR has email addresses of everyone here.  It would be great to send around a survey every 6 months to gather data about what's happening.  If we kept data on everyone who has ever registered, we could get some great information over the next few years and be able to show the actual statistics for this site.

I do think that many of those who make it through MLC do eventually regret their actions on some level.  That doesn't necessarily mean they will want to return.  Some would likely put it all behind them and start over rather than having to work through all the issues.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

"I do think that many of those who make it through MLC do eventually regret their actions on some level.  That doesn't necessarily mean they will want to return.  Some would likely put it all behind them and start over rather than having to work through all the issues."

I agree with this. I honestly believe that this is the exact scenario that is playing out in my situation. I just have to face it. I has been 2 years and 4 months since BD. Three weeks ago he sent me an email after many months without a word from him. He wrote that he regrets parting ways, he has been to a therapist and he wishes he would have seen one while we were together. He also said he just wanted me to know that he was always in love with me even through the bad times and that he considered me his best friend. He said he never wanted to regret not letting me know all of that.

I feel he's at a point where he does have regrets but that he's ready to learn from all mistakes and start over on a brand new path. Whether he was in MLC or not, I'm still not sure but I think he feels we were too different and he would never again want to even try again with me.

[Dontgiveup]

loveisntweakness
"Some would likely put it all behind them and start over rather than having to work through all the issues."

This would tell me the MLCer is still in Avoidance and not through their crisis....and thus not ready to return.

[unbroken]

Avoidance isn't one of the stages.
I know we all want to believe that if we hang in long enough it will work out for us - I know I do, but I'm not sure that's the reality of it.
Not all MLCers get through their crisis.  I'm thinking my Dad may have been in MLC when he left my Mom.  He married his affair partner.  Mom has moved on.
I do believe my H was in MLC.  Classic, really.  But I'm not sure how that helps me.
He is over the worst of his replay.  For 2 years he pulled away from all of his old friends and was just nutso.  He's acting a bit more like himself now.  He may be pulling out of it.  He could be in depression/withdrawal now, but I don't know.  I used to believe he would be back.  Now I'm facing the reality that he may not.
This site has stretched Conway's 3-5 years on average to 2-7 years and some people say even more.  Well, an average is an average.  It's still 3-5 years.  Some can take longer.  Some should emerge more quickly.  Some never emerge.
Mine's at 4 years since BD.  At least 5 years into his crisis.  He should be emerging by now.  Conway says that the worst of it lasts about 3 years.
I'll hold on a bit longer, but not forever.

[Dontgiveup]

"Avoidance isn't one of the stages."

Avoidance is a descriptor of the Replay stage.....Escape & Avoid.

From RCR's MLC overview article
"This then leads to the Avoidance that is Replay"


"Not all MLCers get through their crisis"

Totally agree.  Most do according to several sources, but whether or not there remains a Standing spouse doesn't seem as likely.


"This site has stretched Conway's 3-5 years on average to 2-7 years and some people say even more."

I think it's Wiki that says 3-5 years in women, and 3-10 years in men.  In Women in Midlife Crisis, Conway says it lasts until the process is complete, which is generally 3-5 years.

[Tsunami]

I want everyone of you to know how much I appreciate you taking the time to thank me for posting this article. 

I found it a few weeks ago, and printed it out to read prior to going to sleep at night.  We all know how much validation we need to make it through the insanity.

It helps me to smile knowing I have contributed something valuable for everyone here.

Have a great week, and have faith this too shall pass!

[LearningIamOk]

Tsunami,

Thanks for posting this. It confirms things on this site and worded things a tad differently so I got some new insights. You are an awesome lady to put this out for us to read when I know you are going thru so much beyond the MLC s**t.

You are another Silver Lining in this for me.

HUGS

[Mamma Bear]

 Yeah Thanks Tsunami. I like the #1 spouse considers us part of them...that explains a lot.
  Hey Learning, Where's your thread? I want to go on it...