[Thundarr]

Was that site run by Christine Schaap, who wrote "How to Survive Your Wife's Midlife Crisis"? If so, in reading that book I got the impression she was still in the middle of it as it seemed to put alot of blame on the H even though it claimed not to.

OP, I've heard mention of the Thermonuclear approach and was wondering what all of you PP veterans think of it.  Is it conceivable that the techniques that work with male MLCers may not be effective with females and vice versa?  Thoughts?

[Mitzpah]

OP, I've heard mention of the Thermonuclear approach and was wondering what all of you PP veterans think of it.  Is it conceivable that the techniques that work with male MLCers may not be effective with females and vice versa?  Thoughts?

I am also interested in understanding what this is...

[honour]

Was that site run by Christine Schaap, who wrote "How to Survive Your Wife's Midlife Crisis"? If so, in reading that book I got the impression she was still in the middle of it as it seemed to put alot of blame on the H even though it claimed not to.

OP, I've heard mention of the Thermonuclear approach and was wondering what all of you PP veterans think of it.  Is it conceivable that the techniques that work with male MLCers may not be effective with females and vice versa?  Thoughts?

As far as I could tell no one at PP who made it to recon did so using the methods CS advocated in her book. The guys who were in recon did the opposite.

CS advocates a softly softly approach, let the W get on with it and have her A.

Those that did recon shone light into the darkness. Friends were told about the adultery, work colleagues, they cut them off from the toxic support network, cut them out of the finances etc etc...if the W wanted OM she could take him, but she had to make the decision in or out and everyone would know why she was out.

Early in my situation when W was just coming to terms with the guilt of what she had done, I was following the CS advice and I said to my W that it was no one's business what had happened, no one needed to know anything, basically I was following my instinct to protect, and when I said those words my W gave me a smile. It was a curious smile. I wasn't sure what it meant at the time. I know what it meant now. I had just given her the green light. She could carry on doing what she was doing without being bothered by public shame. And W span off into deeper MLC never never land.

My take is that a high energy female MLCer has totally lost all empathy and if they detect any softness in the LBS you are roadkill.

Thundarr, I asked my daughter to read the CS book. My daughter didn't like it, she said it is excusing affairs.

honour

[Tsunami]

So today, I am doing my usual research in regards to MLC, and found this thread and felt sharing this link would help others understand the depression from a different perspective. 
The title of the thread is...

MLC DEPRESSION IS TORTURE

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=173939&page=1

[Anjae]

My two cents, MLCers are capable of relashionships years long ones, with OW/OM. If they are unable to handle stree they do a pretty good job handleing it for years and years and years. They manage to do it for longer that a sane person would.

Anne, I think you hit on a major point, here.

I believe that MLC theory maintains that a big reason for the crisis is because the MLCer (is stubborn) does everything humanly possible to avoid working through their personal issues.  Of course, that doesn't suggest that the issues are conscious...  but they won't discuss with anyone, even therapists, about whatever skeletons they might have in their closets...

So the just keep pushing down that stress...  and it eventually overwhelms them to the point where they really don't understand who they are, perhaps the onset of the fog, and then just start "acting out" in whatever ways their subconscious requires as they finally begin to spill out their internal issues from their minds...

Think you're right, kaffe, the MLCer is stubborn and does everything to avoid work on their issues. Don't think that, for the most part, the issues are conscious. They know something is not well with them but they don't know what is the problem, what are the issues.

Would say that, at some point, they will start spill the internal issues of their mind, many times through totally reckless behaviour. And, of course there are the fog and the tunnel. What a lethal cocktail.

“Depression Sign #13: ML'ERS ARE INDIFFERENT

Indifferent is defined as "without interest or concern, not caring, disinterested, impartial and apathetic". Nothing is harder to live with than an indifferent person. Ml'ers are indifferent primarily toward their past life. They are no longer interested in what the LBS, children, relatives, dog, cat, best friend, or church group are doing. They could care less about the lawn being cut, the algae in the pool, the leaking roof, or the bills being paid. Their past life no longer exists. They truly become "aliens" to people who love them. There are many reasons why this happens. ML'ers are self absorbed and don't want to focus on anyone but themselves. ML'ers no longer want any responsibility in their lives and just want to have fun and freedom. People and things of the past remind the ML'er of their failures. What better way to not have to deal with their pain then to pretend people and things don't exist anymore.



This "indifference" creates a whole new set of problems for the LBS. They now have the responsibilities of two people. The LBS becomes overworked and overwhelmed not to mention emotionally devastated. Many times they become financially devastated as well. The ML'er does not seem to notice the turmoil they have caused the LBS and again are "indifferent".”

Talk about indifferent and a LBS that become financially devastated. Today I realised that, for the first time in my life, I was in debt. Not colossal, it can be worked out, but it is one more strain to all this madness. And the debt only exists because of all the mess husband caused, including having to go to court. Strange thing is I did not feel like killing husband…I just feel like, I need a break! I need out of this thing! The other part of me says, it is gonna take ages for you to get over this stuff, let alone get back the level of life I used to have. Well, that level of life is gone since mid 2007…Oh, dear…

And yes, I’m overworked and overwhelmed. Even if I’m not angry, I GAL, and so on, but, somedays this all thing comes crushing down on you…

[WarriorPriestess]

Really REALLY good illustration of depression here:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

[Anjae]

Early in my situation when W was just coming to terms with the guilt of what she had done, I was following the CS advice and I said to my W that it was no one's business what had happened, no one needed to know anything, basically I was following my instinct to protect, and when I said those words my W gave me a smile. It was a curious smile. I wasn't sure what it meant at the time. I know what it meant now. I had just given her the green light. She could carry on doing what she was doing without being bothered by public shame. And W span off into deeper MLC never never land.

I did that at first as well. Wanted to protect, though it was no one business but mine and husband's. What a big mistake. He also went on withou being bothered by public shame and still is in very deep MCL la la la land. So, looks like we have to go against what we think it is better and let everyone know.

[forthetrees]

Just read this link:  http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

looks like MLC to me.

[Tsunami]

Noticed Kikki posted this in MLC resources, and so I thought I would bump this up for newbies.

[kikki]

Thanks Tsunami - I couldn't for the life of me remember where I'd first read it, but it was here on this thread.
I'd printed it out months ago, and sometimes go back and read it.  Really helpful.