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Author Topic: Mirror-Work Return Stories Cont..

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Mirror-Work Return Stories Cont..
OP: November 04, 2011, 01:37:57 AM
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=237.0;all
 
Link to first thread!!
Thought it was time for a new one.
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« Last Edit: August 22, 2013, 11:27:02 AM by OldPilot »
You must do the things you think you cannot do.

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#1: November 04, 2011, 01:41:41 AM
From previous thread.  Thought it should be brought over to open new one!!

Here are some good return stories you can check out, though not all may be by an MLCer.

http://shalomrefuge.com/tkgm/MENURESTORED.htm
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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#2: November 05, 2011, 12:17:43 PM
Thought i would post this as many of us can relate to this..........there is no other woman present but everything else is present xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


An inspiring account of one woman’s determination
to hold on to her marriage against all the odds


                Summary: In this era of disposable relationships, Carol displayed the determined faithfulness that Christians should be renowned for.
                 For 26 years, Carol and Dave had a very special marriage. Then Dave inexplicably and dramatically changed. He became deeply embittered against Carol and finally walked out on her. His behavior was so obnoxious that many friends and counselors – even Carol’s fundamentalist pastor – counseled divorce. Instead, Carol continued to look to God. After almost two year’s separation, Dave returned home, yet still he avoided Carol, not even lifting a finger to help when she was totally bedridden due to cancer treatment. Drawing upon the supernatural resources of Almighty God, Carol fought natural feelings of resentment and prayerfully continued to persevere with the marriage.
                 Now, five years after the crisis began, Dave has undergone a painfully slow but vast improvement and Carol, displaying the very faith in God that has brought her this far, is believing that even greater things are ahead for their marriage.

        Carol’s story:

        I was married to a wonderful man who was my high school sweetheart. I shall call him Dave. We had three children who were his life and who had made us both very proud. Dave was an excellent father. We were Christians, very active in our church, and although we were opposites, we got along well, each of us enjoying very different interests. As he told me often, we had the best marriage he knew of and all our friends seemed to agree. Life had been like a fairy tale for me. I had no reason to believe that it would ever change.

        Then several things happened that, I believe, contributed to the midlife depression that hit Dave. First, he sought a promotion at work that he had counted on for several years. Someone else won the position although Dave was probably more qualified. Soon after that, a man who had been like a father to Dave passed away. After that our two oldest boys left home within a year of each other to go to college. Then our remaining son began to rebel and got into serious trouble.

        Dave soon became very irritable, which was totally out of character for him. In his eyes I could do nothing right and just the sound of my voice seemed to put him on the edge. He seemed to look for reasons to get angry with me in order for us not to speak to each other. He acted as if everything about me disgusted or repulsed him. He stopped doing anything around the house and tried his best to work extra hours so that he didn’t have to face me as much.

        I tried, time and time again, to talk with Dave. He refused to admit there was a problem and when I pushed too hard, he’d simply scream that I was the problem. He accused me of ‘going crazy,’ of needing psychological counseling, of yelling when I was speaking quietly, and blamed me for anything that went wrong during his day. He acted as if he would explode if he was forced to speak to me or look at me. It even entered my mind that he might try to physically hurt me; something I’d never have dreamed previously.

        One day he simply did not come home. I knew immediately that he had left me. Our youngest child was still at home, causing problems and his father exiting at this time only made his rebellious behavior worse.

        We did not hear from Dave for almost a month. I spoke to his best friend, in whom he confided somewhat. He said Dave had told him that he hated me, never loved me, never should have married me, and that the children never should have been born. His friend was as shocked as I was. I tried to give Dave space. Shortly, my sons came home for the summer and my three children went together to see their father at work. He told them he was embarrassed and that they shouldn’t worry because he’d be home in ‘a couple of weeks.’ He said some very harsh things about me. I was shocked to hear how he’d run me down to my own children. He would never have done that in that past.

        I tried to immerse myself in activities. I had a full-time job as well as a big leadership role in my church. I also spent much time working in a nonprofit ministry of which I was the director. Often, however, I was unable to concentrate. It seemed that everything I tried to do, even simple tasks, took all my effort. I began to spiral into depression. After a time, I could not control the tears and was almost afraid to go to church because I was sure to make a spectacle of myself. I felt as if I was standing at the edge of a black hole and a physical force was pulling me down into it. I was terrified of what might happen to me if I didn’t have the strength to resist it. I confided in my gynecologist, who immediately recognized the symptoms of depression and prescribed an anti-depressant. Within a few days I began to feel the benefit of the medication and soon I was able to handle my emotions better. I continued, however, to cry a lot. Tears were probably a blessing because, along with prayer, they were the only thing that seemed to relieve my stress temporarily.

        I began to read all I could find about midlife crisis but I found little written on the subject. I believe God led me to Jim Conway’s book Men In Midlife Crisis, Chariot Victor Pub. It saved my sanity to realize that this was something that had happened to others and that some had even survived it. Prior to that, I had no idea what had happened to my husband and could only see that he had become a monster. More about Midlife Crisis

        Dave hid from me, our children, and friends, becoming a workaholic, dedicating his life to making money. He was obsessed. It was hard for me to understand how he could even function through a day at work when he was so irrational each time I saw him. He was almost a double personality. Many people would tell me that he seemed just like the same old Dave to them. He only allowed those very close to him see his acting out. When he wasn’t working, he was holed up in his apartment in the dark, with the TV on, or asleep. He didn’t answer the phone or the doorbell. I tried to not bother him most of the time, sensing that he needed to be alone, but occasionally I could not resist checking on him to make sure he was all right. Usually he looked terrible: unkempt, needing a bath, a shave, and haircut. He aged greatly during this time. At times he showed signs of mania, announcing that he was having the best time of his life. He often said he felt 20 years old again, only much, much wiser. Sometimes he would extol his own virtues to the extreme (telling me that I’d never find another man as good as him, etc.) which would have been almost funny had it not been so alarming and out of character. At times he was irrational. Other times he was miserable and full of self pity and it was always my fault. He told the children that the reason he could not live with me any longer was that when we rented movies, I chose ones he couldn’t tolerate. He would often line the kids up and pace up and down in front of them, yelling the same things over and over for 30 minutes at a time. When I confronted him and tried to make him identify the problem, he would only say ‘You know what it is. Don’t act so innocent.’ I truly did not know what I had done and he never did tell me. I worried about him possibly considering suicide.

        Resigned to the fact that he was not coming home, I had divorce papers drawn up and presented Dave with them. He had agreed to meet me in a restaurant because he said it made him ‘uncomfortable to drive down our driveway.’ He would not answer any of my questions or discuss a divorce, but simply sat and grinned at me sarcastically while I poured my heart out to him. So I left him sitting in the restaurant with the papers and told him I’d contact him again in a month. When I did, he said he had thrown the papers away. I knew then that he really did not want a divorce. I also realized for the first time that he was no longer in control of his actions. I believe his mind was spinning and he could not stop the horrible thoughts he was having, however irrational they had become.

        Some men who reach this point realize there is something very wrong and are willing to go for counseling. Dave, I believe, realized there was a problem, but was terrified of it and also had a macho attitude which kept him from admitting it or seeking help. It was easier to blame me.

        Of course, I was not a perfect wife. Although I don’t feel I was the cause of Dave leaving home, there were still things about me that needed to be addressed and changed. I began to spend much time in prayer and in seeking God’s will. I went through a very painful process as the Lord started to show me myself – through his eyes. It was a time of growth and although I’d never choose to go through that trying time again, I would also not choose to change it if I could. The experience has given me great strength and God had the freedom to teach me so much because he had my undivided attention.

        I sought advice and help from all the normal places. I went to three counselors, all ‘Christian,’ who talked about my own self-esteem and helped me see there were things I had to do to take care of myself during this time. After a month or two, however, they spoke of ultimatums and ‘making a decision’ and ‘getting on with my life.’ Mostly they made me feel as if I was being a doormat. My self-esteem was not necessarily boosted by talking with them. I spoke to my pastor several times and he gave me some insight on the workings of the male mind. However, he, too, although a fundamental Bible-preacher, advised divorce because Dave had ‘committed emotional adultery.’ I decided not to consult my pastor again, nor the counselors. I pledged to myself to get my counseling solely from the Bible and from friends who took the commandments of God literally. I had to hang on to the Scriptures in order to continue to even function at that point.

        Grantley Morris was one of the lifesavers tossed to me when I felt as if I were drowning. Although his website had no information specifically about midlife crisis, there was much that I needed to hear – many words of comfort and instruction which were a great help to me. I believe God lead me to this website where I could learn much. We have never met in person, but Grantley was always available by e-mail, always advising me to wait on God, sometimes encouraging me to stop whining, and sometimes building me up in the Lord. God also provided some female friends who stuck by me. Although they were quite angry at the way Dave treated his family, they supported me in not going ahead with a divorce and encouraged me to understand my husband and pray for him. I have found in talking with other women in a similar situation, that friends like this are a rare commodity. Most of them get tired of hearing you whine after a few months and begin advising that you ‘get over it’ or ‘dump him.’ I had those kinds of friends too, but there were two saintly women who upheld me and counseled me to respect what God says in his word about the marriage vow. One man, Dave’s good friend, who had been a longtime family friend as well, also counseled me from a male point of view, always telling me that he believed Dave would return, and encouraging me to wait. I consider myself very blessed to have had such friends.

        Although I would never have considered myself a dependent wife, when Dave left, I was scared and alone. Often the pain was so great that I didn’t know if I could live. Many nights I would collapse on the floor, unable to word a prayer, simply crying out ‘Help!’ I was broken. He was my one true love. I had been married to this man since the age of sixteen. We met Dave while I was still in elementary school and we started dating in high school. Because Dave was in the military, we moved far away from both our families, after we married. We only had each other to depend on. I always felt I could tell him anything, and that he was my best friend. I didn’t worry about keeping anything from him, even my ‘ugly side.’ He knew me inside and out. Although not an open person by nature, he was able to share with me emotionally as well.

        Now there was no one who could help me other than God. I believe that the Lord finally had me where he wanted me – dependent only on him. I gained a great compassion for those who are hurting from marital difficulties.

        I began to exert sheer will in order to function physically. I became adept at many skills that I hadn’t possessed before. I learned how to fix a leaky faucet, and to replace the end on an extension cord that I whacked off while trying to trim an endless row of shrubs with electric hedge trimmers. I was very proud of such accomplishments because Dave had always handled them. I was proving that I could live on my own if I had to.

        Daily I was spending two, three and four hours with the Lord, praying, reading the Bible, or simply listening to God. Much of that time was spent outside, where I could be surrounded by nature. I also became great friends with our family dog, who I’d simply tolerated before. The Lord even used the dog to make me feel safe when I was alone at night. That pooch became a good friend to me and often soothed my loneliness by simply lying down next to me when she sensed I needed a warm body close by. All this was therapy for me. The Lord was very creative in providing me with strength sufficient to allow me to continue putting one foot in front of the other.

        After a while Dave lost his feeling of euphoria. He became depressed and full of self-pity. Whenever any of the family saw him, he bemoaned all that he had missed out on or lost because of us. (I was the major villain in his life, although at times he included the children.) He often went on long road trips, not telling anyone where he was going or how long he would be gone. We worried that he would get in an accident on the other end of the country and no one would know where he was.

        He went to great lengths to hide our separation from his family, who only saw us annually. He made up all kinds of stories to tell his parents so that it seemed he still lived at home. He also pretended to everyone where he worked that he still lived at home. Later, when that became too difficult, he said I lived with him in his apartment and that we were selling our home.

        When he left, Dave didn’t take a thing with him. All his clothes were left in the closet. He didn’t even have an extra pair of socks. After about six months, he began to break in to the house (I’d had the locks changed) and steal things. He even took the furniture off our front porch and stuffed it into a utility shed where he was living.

        During the next two years, he purchased a home, five vehicles, a big screen TV, furniture, expensive home appliances, and was considering a boat (he had always hated boats prior to this time). As nearly as I could calculate, he spent over $65,000 and maxed out all his credit cards. This from a man who had pinched pennies most of his life. In the meantime, he canceled my credit cards, closed our joint bank accounts, and refused to help me with bills. It seemed he enjoyed the fact that I might be suffering financially and had a need to punish me.

        Although he was away from home for almost two years, my husband never became involved with another woman. Typically, men with midlife crisis, seek comfort through an illicit relationship which only causes further pain for all involved. Dave had problems with impotence, which was probably a blessing from the Lord. I am told male impotence is a common problem for men who are suffering midlife depression, and some men set out to prove they can be a man with another woman, concluding that their wife is the problem. I suppose a few, like Dave, do not wish to take the chance of being humiliated in front of a new lady, so they simply shut down sexually. The sexual acting out can only make things worse. I thank God that I did not have to face that hurdle. The Lord promises in his Word that he will not allow any more hardship than we can carry. Maybe I couldn’t have handled that one.

        After two years of enduring what seemed akin to the death of my husband (he no longer existed as I had known him) I went for a mammogram a few months late. I was told I had breast cancer and that I’d need surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. I was in a daze to say the least. My sons came to my rescue and lent me the adult strength they had gained through this hurtful time. I decided not to tell Dave. I did not want to face his nonchalant rejection and would not have been surprised if he had laughed or said that I deserved cancer because I was responsible for his misery. However, my oldest son informed him and Dave came to the hospital about an hour before I checked out. I think he was waiting to find out for sure that the lump the doctors removed was definitely malignant before he showed up. I was too sick to care much if he was there or not, but he followed us home and stayed.

        If I had known then what I know now, I’d have probably refused him entrance into the house, but again, God was in control rather than me. After about a week, I was feeling much better physically and friends and family had left. Dave and I were alone. Dave retreated into a shell where he remained for nearly a year, improving only painfully slowly. He slept most of the time. He would go for days without uttering a word. Whenever we passed in the hall, he would step aside to avoid being close to me.

        I could not allow myself to be affected too deeply by all of this because I was in the middle of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I had to give Dave over to God and take care of myself. Several times I was so sick from the chemo that I went upstairs to bed for several days at a time. Dave remained in the house downstairs, never leaving, but not so much as asking if I needed a drink of water. Several times I had to call a friend to help me get to the bathroom because I was so weak and Dave would not or could not function. He was like a zombie.

        As I began to get better, Dave started to improve as well. His progress was very slow and sometimes I wondered if I was only imagining it. Significant family events helped Dave take tiny but important steps. Our oldest son, for example, did a very wise thing by including Dave in his wedding party. Not wanting to hurt me, our son asked my permission to include Dave. I struggled because my first reaction was that Dave didn’t deserve to even attend, but I knew this attitude was wrong. Dave’s participation was one of the things that said ‘you’re still a part of our family and we are ready to forgive and include you again.’ (Other examples.)

        Dave began to do little things that reminded me of the old Dave and eventually I was able to stop walking on eggshells around him and relax a little. I seldom pushed him because I was sure that God was to be the one to heal and change him rather than me. I knew that I had to be patient although it was difficult.

        For years he was unable to have any kind of physical relationship. Intimacy, whether emotional or physical still frightens him, but he is making great strides. I can only trust that God will bring him back 100% or better. I believe that when God restores, you usually get more than you had in the first place, so I’m counting on an even better relationship than our original one.

        Today Dave has improved to the point where he is nearly himself again. He does not talk about the bad times. It seems he simply cannot face them. Sometimes I think he does not even remember some of the horrible things he said or did. Maybe he just wants to forget. I continue to pray that someday he will do what the Lord expects of him and ask my forgiveness. It would mean so much to me. However, the Lord expects me to forgive as well, even before forgiveness is asked for. So I state to the Lord and to myself almost daily that I forgive Dave of all the hurt he caused me. I don’t always feel forgiving and I continue to experience bitterness at times. Forgiveness is a process – in my case, at least, a slow one. But if one prays and states it often enough, in time it will become complete.

        It has been nearly five years since the beginning of Dave’s midlife crisis, depression, breakdown, or whatever term best describes what happened to him. God has blessed my family so much that I am almost fearful. But I am grateful as well. Dave now wants to be with me almost every spare minute that he has. Although he can’t seem to talk about it, his actions speak loudly. I long to hear him say that he loves me, and for him to be romantic as in the old days. But I know, too, that love is commitment, not flowery words. I try my best to continue to wait on God for the fulfillment of his promise. And I thank Him daily for His grace.

        I feel impressed to tell my story because I know that there are many women (and men) who are facing this pain which seems to come out of nowhere to strike unsuspecting families who are totally unprepared to fight back. Many have no clue what has happened to their former husband or wife and simply assume they’ve changed into a monster. It is not an easy process to survive, but there is hope for families experiencing this crisis.

        On one of my dark days I asked God to please allow me to help someone else who would follow me in this process. I prayed that something good could come from it. God has already given me the opportunity many times, and now, through this webpage, He is allowing me to share with others. I am thankful.

        During the bad times, I cannot say God spoke audibly to me or that there was any miraculous occurrence or vision. I cried, I pleaded, I begged for God to give me a sign, to tell me what to do to fix things. (I am, like most women, a notorious fixer!) The only message I received was ‘wait.’ It was not what I wanted to hear. It was frustrating. Frankly, it made me mad and I often railed at God. However, it was crystal clear that it was God’s way and it was what was best for me. He always gives the best advice. I desire for another marriage to be saved through someone else reading this account and realizing that they too can be given the strength to wait for a family to be healed. God bless.
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« Last Edit: November 05, 2011, 12:41:11 PM by WarriorPriestess »
Life is like photography, you use the negatives to develop!!!!!
H returned after 8 years bd may 2009 multiple returner high energy cling boomerang

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#3: November 05, 2011, 07:48:26 PM
I read this and kept nodding my head..the similarities are uncanny! Thanks for sharing this.

This gives me hope...it is not the first story that tells a very familiar story.

I am 27 months into this, legally divorced, we have not lived together since Sept 2009..there are any similarities, especially God's ability to bring us what we need the most, when we need it and my faith that our marriage will be restored.

Thanks for sharing.. I have heard God speaking to me many times and it is always the same message.

I have copied this story and posted it under MLC return stories
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« Last Edit: November 05, 2011, 07:52:11 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#4: November 06, 2011, 06:36:53 PM
So much of this story reminds me of my own as well. And like Standing in Patience, there is also an OW. H just bought a new home in his name and is living with her. He has been since 2008 but I do think it's significant that the new home is not in both their names...and wonder if that in itself will be the cause of a rift between them.
I do find hope and strength from this story...and pray that God hears us all and comforts us throughout our journeys. I do draw so much strength from him. My faith helped me get thru my cancer. H stood by my side always. I still feel this, along with his Dad's death shook him to the core, brought on his severe depression and brought him into MLC. I still wonder though...his being on meds for depression...are they truly a help or a hinderance?? Are they just another bandaid  like the OW? And being under a docs supervision, how long will they let him hide all this??
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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#5: November 09, 2011, 09:21:56 PM
I'm not sure how I found this, I had book marked it on my pc, not sure its MLC but I thought it was a great story...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/marry-divorce-reconcile/201102/how-i-got-my-ex-back-the-oh-sht-moment


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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#6: November 12, 2011, 10:05:06 PM
Copying this from an old thread by With God's Help:

Testimony of a Restored MarriageI first want to say to all those that are hurting - I KNOW WHAT YOU   ARE GOING THROUGH and I am so completely in agreement of the pain  you're  experiencing.  I also know however that WITH JESUS he can heal  ALL  WOUNDS.  We may not be living the way WE want to in the present  moment  but God has a plan and it's perfect.  He's not a magician. We  don't get to pray and then POOF our problems magically disappear but He  WILL do  what He says he will. God says he will never forsake us and he  will help  us THROUGH our circumstances. Not over them. Not under them.  THROUGH  THEM. God wants us to cast our cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7). The  problem  is what we really want Him to do is hear our prayers and then  act on  them according to our timetable, our rules and our script.  God  is using  this time while our spouse is away to REFINE US.  He wants us  to TAKE  OUR EYES off of our spouse. To take our eyes OFF OUR  CIRCUMSTANCE and  have FAITH and TRUST HIM that He will do what he says  He will do.   Hebrews 11:1 says: Now faith is confidence in what we hope  for and  assurance about what we do not see. While we stand, while we  wait, we  don't SEE changes. We don't SEE God working but He is and  we're having  faith and believing and KNOWING that God is doing what He  says He will.   That's faith!

 
I prayed about retyping  this. I thought  for a moment maybe it wasn't meant for me to share it  after I lost it  when I timed out but I prayed about it and I am praying  that what I share, that with the blessing God has given me and wants to  give everyone that through Jesus,  I will touch someone and solidify  what God wants from us.  We, us,  people, we are like the ISRAELITES.   God deliverd them from slavery and  promised them safe arrival in THE  PROMISED LAND.  It was ONLY AN ELEVEN DAY JOURNEY.  Instead it took them  FORTY YEARS TO GET THERE! Why? They  grumbled! They complained! They  put everything else before God.  They  had just been delivered from  darkness and were still complaining about  what they didn't have because  things were not as they wanted.  So God  let them wander.  Isn't that  like us today? Blinded by sin wheather it's  pornography, gambling,  adultery, sexual immorality, greed, fornication,  lying, stealing,  drugs, disrespecting our spouses, not loving our  spouses, holding  grudges, not forgiving? My husband was in OBVIOUS sin  but I was a  sinner too, my sin was just hidden behind closed doors and I  didn't  even know it was sin!  I complained to anyone who woudl listen  about  what my spouse was doing. I was mad! I had resentment and  bitterness.   Let me tell you, unforgiveness is like CANCER it spreads  and what it  breeds will spiritually kill you.  My dad walked out on my  mom and she  is STILL bitter, still resentful and that was over 19 years  ago.  I was  headed down that same path, more consummed by what my spouse  was doing  to me then letting it all go and letting God heal me.  Let me  share.

 
In  2009 my husband just after our 15th anniv  had a VERBAL BLOW UP.  We  were having a minor disagreement and BAM out  of nowhere he let out an  explosive verbal assault on things I had never  heard from him before.   He didn't want to die an average man doing  average things.  WHAT? His  life was boring and he was sick of the  routine. WELL WHO ISN'T AT  TIMES? He noticed how I was more of a mother  than a wife. SAY WHAT? He  felt like something was missing and didn't  know what. I didn't know at  the time of this verbal assault (that lasted  3 hours) it was directed  at ME. He wasn't happy with me! He felt  average WITH ME.  He thought  something was missing and *I* couldn't fill  it.  I did not know that my  husband was already imagining having an  affair at this time. I didn't  know at this time that thoughts were  already in his head about pursuing  someone other than me.  An affair  starts IN THE MIND.  It starts slow  and builds. A person has lust in  their heart sometimes and it grows  until they act on it.  Some people  have had it growing from as far back  as their childhood, they may have  been sexually abused or grew up in a  home with pornography in a parent  or a family member.  Some people  like my spouse harbor unexpressed  feelings for years.

 
My  husband grew up in an  emotionally repressed home. His mother was  manipulative and vindictive  and he wasn't allowed to speak up/out  against things that bothered him.   I did not know this until now.  I  always thought my husband was laid  back and went with the flow. I  didn't know all the years we were married  that my husband craved an  emotionally SOUND environment free of  confrontation and belittlement  and that he craved affection (his mother  never expresses any even  now).  Combine that with me and my childhood  issues of having a father  emotionally distant to his family and a  mother, sister and brother who  was very sensitive and craving his  attention and often winding up on  the floor in a blubbering mess, I  vowed to NEVER be sensitive to ALWAYS  speak up and speak out and to SAY  WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID.  An explosion  waiting to happen right?

 
My  spouse (and a lot of our  spouses here) start building someone else up  in their minds.  That  person becomes ALL THAT THEY THINK WE ARE NOT (and  maybe we haven't  been.) I had grown to become resentful of my husband  the last 4-5  years.  He never defended me when his mother lashed out at  me or tried  to do something vindictive to me. I took him not speaking up  for me as a  sign of weakness which was what?  A flashback to my  childhood and NO  ONE was going to have me under their thumb so I started  believing in my  mind that my husband did not even DESERVE my respect.   God calls wives  to respect their husbands. (Ephesians 5:33) I didn't.  I  started  holding back affection too. I build up in my mind that since he   couldn't do what I wanted him to do then I wouldn't do what he wanted   me to do.  Oh how wrong was my thinking! My husband wasn't weak, he  just  never learned that expressing himself was HEALTHY and that some   confrontations are GOOD. He held everything inside until it manifested   outloud because God says what we think on we act and do.  My husband   started believing after 15 years and never so much as looking twice at   another woman that he couldn't get what he craved from me so he looked   elsewhere.  Once our spouses build someone else up in their minds, we   get torn down in their hearts and they believe that person is what they   need, want, deserve.

 
After a few months I found some   emails of my husband flirting with another woman online. She commented   on photos of his family saying "you have a beautiful family" and then   promptly sent him a link to photos of her on the beach!  I knew he had   never met the person but they were having some sort of online flirt   fest.  I was so hurt and wounded. My husband was mortified! We cried   together all day he was so upset he did what he did, I was so shocked   and I believed him when he said nothing had happened.  He even called   her on the phone in front of me and broke off all ties. I was relieved   and thought if this is our only down in 15 years I could live with it.

 
Well,   guess what? the thoughts were still there about him not being happy.   The enemy was still putting in his head that he could never find   happiness here with me so satan dropped someone else not much longer   that was also online.  This person was more than willing to be the  other  woman. I knew nothing. This affair was basically going on under  my  nose.  Oh the betrayal! I had no idea. I found out by accident of  course  and immediately said I wanted a divorce.  He denied it but I had  proof  and so eventually he relented and said yes he did. He looked  stuck but  didn't say he would stop which was fine with me, I wanted  out. I was so  mortified and so shocked I went the very next day to get  on anti-anxiety  meds.  I thought the tears would never stop. I also  went to see a  Christian counselor and she said "what if this one thing  was the worst  there is in all the years of marriage youv'e had?" I  thought about that  and told my H I would give him another chance and  forgive him. He said  "thank you but I'm still going to talk to this  other person."  WHAT?  Oh  my GOSH I'm wounded and bleeding here and I'm  telling you I will give  you a second chance and you throw that back at  me? Unbelievable. I was  dumbstruck. I couldn't believe it. We were  almost at 16 years now and He  was choosing the affair over his wife?  I  lashed out, begged, pleaded,  condemned, verbally abused and physically  lashed out at my husband for a  month! He was still in the house and I  would catch him texting this  person or going outside to text or chat  with. I couldn't take the  blatant disrespect. I could not believe who  my husband had turned into.  It was like Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. I didn't  know him anymore it seemed.  Someone had taken him captive (and it was -  satan had taken him captive -  2 Timothy 2:26). I even asked him do you  still love me? He said yes but  I'm not IN love with you.  Ouch. Some  days he was in tears over what he was doing other times he was aloof  distand and arrogant almost. It was surreal to watch,

 
After a month of that, he left. He said "this isn't   working for me" and left.  I said "well of course it's not working,   you're still pursuing the affair!" and I physically lashed out again  for  one good measure.  Ticked off is not the word. I felt rejected and  treated  like garbage. I was obsessed with thinking of how I could get  even. I  figured out who the other person was and contemplated about  sending them  a nasty email. I wanted EVERYONE to know what had been  done to me and I  wanted him to feel HORRIBLE. I kept hearing a voice  saying "I'm not  done with you both yet." I didn't know at the time God  was trying to get  my attention but because I was so focused on being  revengeful and  focusing on what had occured, I didn't pay attention. I  didn't WANT to pay attention.  I started going online to the midlife   crisis forums and venting there about what was happening and found out   about Rejoice Ministries. I did not want to hear anything they said   either. I just wanted to make my husband pay for what he did to me.

 
About   this time my husband has moved out and I really almost had an  emotional  breakdown.  Everything he took with him left a gaping hole  where things  had once been. Our home did not feel like a home and our  kids were so  affected (another fuel to my anger) and hurt and sad. My  husbands  blinders were on so tight he wouldn't even talk to me about  their pain.  He was still very much a part of their lives but he would  not talk about  what was happening to them (the guilt was too  overwhelming to do so).  Emotions were off limits and he tried to  pretend that things would get  better with time.

 
At  this time I'm starting my stand. I  put my ring back on and I laid my  husband at the foot of the cross and  took my hands off him.  I knew God  would bring him home, not me or my  attempts to guilt him into waking  up. I was reading my bible and praying  throughout the day and even  praying and sharing with our children that  God would restore our family  and that they'd witness the power of  prayer. I went back to everyone I  had ever said anything negative to  about my spouse and told them to  pray for us and him and that God was  going to do a miracle.  I decided  to not listen to what the world says  which is "move on, you deserve  someone else, people can't change unless  they want to" and listen to  God and trust Him that He'd touch my husband  and heal him.

 
God  gave me so many signs to keep  standing. On rejoiceministries people  talk of seeing a COVENANT truck as  a sign of encouragemen to stand for  their covenant spouse. I looked up  the company and realized I'd never  see one as they dont travel through  my area.  It was about 2 weeks  later when I saw a red truck pulling a  long white trailer. I was  waiting to turn right at a corner and they  were turning left ever so  slowly. I was annoyed. I had to wait for this  longgggggggg Ford truck  to turn pulling this longggggggg white trailer.   When they finally got  fully around I pulled behind them at the light.  I  bursted out laughing  out loud, the back of the trailer was completely  bare with nothing on  it but the word COVENANT at the bottom. I just put  my hands up and  praised God for the sign.

 
Every time I  saw my spouse I  was hoping to see his ring back on. I never did.  He  was polite but  kept his distance when around me. I noticed new clothing,  a new style  of dress.  He often would not meet my eyes and would come  over and  leave so quickly at times. Other times he'd take 20 minutes to  get out  the door.  I always thought it was because he was thinking of  asking to  have something else to take out of the house. Now I know otherwise.

 
A   letter came in the mail - he had withdrew money from his 401k.  I was   LIVID! I wanted to pick up the phone and confront him because I didn't   know if we were going to divorce and that 401k money was partly mine   legally but God placed it on my heart TO BE STILL so I kept quiet.   Father's Day was coming. I didn't know what to do.  He had the kids for   the weekend so I prayed about giving him a card.  God gave me peace   about doing so and so I put his card in one of the kids overnight  bags.   He contacted me and said thank you for the card. I was shocked.   I was  going to church that Sunday and asked if he wanted to meet me  there with  the kids. He agreed.  DOUBLE SHOCKED.  He came to church  with the kids  and wow, when God wants to get a message to you he will  get it to you. The  sermon was on THE PRODIGAL SON and they speaker  spoke about how there  are so many prodigals out there. Children who  have left their homes to  run away and FATHERS & MOTHERS WHO HAVE  LEFT THEIR FAMILIES TO PURSUE SEXUAL  IMMORALITY.  WOW talk about an  uncomforable service! LOL my husband was  sitting next to me, we looked  like a happy family if you didn't know  what was going on but he was  fidgeting the entire time.

 
I  invited him over for 4th  of July. He declined and sent me a visitation  schedule for the month  and said maybe this would help make a smooth  transition so we'd have  less contact.  My heart sank. Because of the  kids we had a lot of  contact, now it seemed we would not.  I still knew  God would do what he  wanted to do.  Our 16th anniv came and the Holy  Spirit told me "get  him a card" I prayed for God to help me find the  perfect card and have  never looked so hard for one in all my life. I  think I visited 3  Hallmark stores and went to 2 different Targets and a  Papyrus! LOL I  finally found the "perfect card" and when I went to check-out, the  cashier read the card, I remember thinking "how RUDE!" and then  she  said "wow this is the perfect card!" Wow, thank you God for  confirming  that for me.

 
I sent him a text and asked if  he could  meet me in the parking lot of his apartment and gave him the  card.  He  had nothing for me but I had prayed that God would send 10  prodigals  home in lieu of my spouse haing something for me for our  anniversary.   About 20 min later he sent me a text and said Happy  Anniversary  <insert his pet name for me>. Thank you, I didn't  forget.  A week  later he asked me out.

 
It's been almost  7m now since  that date and slowly but surely things are coming out.  My  H often says  "I think back to last summer and I just shake my head." I  even asked  him once something he said that was particularly painful and  he said 'I  said that? When?"  It's like he doesn't even remember which  fortifies  what they say at RejoiceMinistries, satan is their mouthpiece  when  they're in sin.

 
My H as told me about 3 times a  week  (it was every day at first) "thank you for standing in the gap" and   "I'm so glad I'm home."  He said he had no peace and there was a   constant chatter in his head.  I asked him when did he know he should  be  at home and he said "as soon as I left but I was too prideful to  return  right away."  Just recently (and I might have shared this in  another  post) he said "I am so sorry I fell prey to the deceit of  believing what  I had with someone else I didn't have with you. It took  me hitting the  ground off the slippery slope to realize I already had  that x100." Wow.

 
God wants to speak to you. He won't  tell you  EVERYTHING because His ways are not our ways but He will give  you  insight. I remember when my spouse was gone, the Holy Spirit told  me,  "he will not return longing or craving or missing the other person  but  he will return full of guilt and shame." I almost fell out of my  chair  one day when my husband said out the blue, "I hope you know I'm  not  missing craving or longing to be with <name of other  person>.  And  oh boy did he have shame. I think the first 60 days he  sat around the  house like a deer in headlights. He looked shell  shocked. It was  heartbreaking to see.

 
I share this not  to brag, oh no.   Not at all. I pray no one feels that way. I share  this because I know  this is a testimony for others to gain strength  from and stand just the  way others testimonies have done for me.  My  testimony does not match  theirs and yours will not match mine. It will  be unique and different so  it will reach people who need to hear what  you went through.  I can  honestly say with all my heart I would go back to day one just to get where I am with God now. I was a Christian before but I was a baby Christian. I did not   know God's word, I did not really know what God could or would do. I  did  not know God would speak to me. I did not really know that God has  a  plan for me even in the midst of my pain and confusion. That he  would  work out all the kinks and straighten it all out. Not in my  timing and  not my way but in His way and his way is PERFECT.

 
For  I  know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to  prosper  you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  ...  Jeremiah 29:11

 
I pray this testimony will be a  blessing  to someone.  I leave you with my favorite scripture Proverbs  3:5-7 and a  prayer I prayed every day because I wanted God to fight  this battle for  me in the spiritual realm: Psalm 35

 
Also  Google  "marriage restoration prayers" there are many out there already  written  up that you can pray with your spouses name in them with  scripture.   Pray Hosea 2:6 over your spouses caught in the deception of  adultery.   Ask God to strengthen the hedge and to bound God's  commandments around  their neck and write it in their hearts. To watch  over them when they're  sleeping and guide them during the day. Trust  and know God is doing it.  He goes after his lost sheep and who is more  lost than a prodigal  spouse?

 
1 Peter 5:8 says: "Be  self-controlled and  alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a  roaring lion looking  for someone to devour." He wants to devor families  and marriages. Stand  alert! Put on the armour of God (Ephesians  6:10-18) over yourself, your  spouse and your children.

 
Blessings to all of you. Sorry this is so long

EDIT: Found link to original post: http://www.focusonlinecommunities.com/message/102123 --SS
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"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City.  For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great.  You have no power over me."

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  • Posts: 1743
  • Gender: Female
  • I survived BD1 (3/11), BD2 (5/12) & divorce (3/13)
Re: Return Stories Cont..
#7: November 14, 2011, 06:37:00 AM
Thanks, WP! This was a real blessing to read this morning. That site says there've been over 41,000 views of this testimony. :)
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Patience is the weapon that forces deception to reveal itself.

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Re: Return Stories Cont..
#8: November 17, 2011, 05:16:31 AM
That was such an uplifting message! So glad to see some positive results.Thank you for this,It definately counteracts all the naysayers I have encountered so early into this, just this morning actually, on another forum.God bless you beyond measure!
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The fate of any relationship is determined by the one who cares the least.

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  • Posts: 1743
  • Gender: Female
  • I survived BD1 (3/11), BD2 (5/12) & divorce (3/13)
Re: Return Stories Cont..
#9: November 17, 2011, 08:34:12 AM
I came across this story today: http://www.believinggodformarriage.com/shouts-of-praise

Not necessarily MLC but this person had to overcome years of heartaches to be restored.
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Patience is the weapon that forces deception to reveal itself.

 

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