[LisaLives]

Really, I still don't understand how my exH can have a high functioning job that requires him to be exceptionally on all the time, travel back and forth across the country to see his kids, maintain two houses (of course she probably does most of the work for the one out there, but he still has one here), but be such a total and complete dunce when it comes to anything surrounding our marriage or relationship...

How can it be that I have talked to his best friend from college and his wife practically every day for the better part of the last five years through three crises, and he never once talked to them, yet yesterday after I mentioned something his friend said to me a week ago, he tells me he talked to same friend "not because I said anything, but because he always talks to him."  WTF,  how or why could he tell such a weird and blatant lie?  He also said in the past couple days that he never tried to get out of paying CS, but he did and I have all the attorney correspondence to prove it.  There are a hundred more lately, some even more bizarre, but mostly uninteresting... 

And he really, truly does not understand why S15 might be mad at him, or how I could possibly believe that he never loved me, or that I don't understand that he still loves me and has done "all of this" for us, so he could be a better dad...  I know I have always had a hard time embracing MLC, but it is so freaking weird to me, I just don't get it.  I know I am too logical and rational but, how does OW and his family not see how crazy he is--is he really only crazy to me?  I seriously still go to therapy once a month, so I can check in and make sure I am not the crazy one...  If it wasn't so, so, so sad, it would be comical, but it's my life, so it's almost scary in a B-movie sort of way... 

[Anjae]

Good question, Lisa. Also can't really get how my husband manages to keep 3 jobs, one of which demands that he spends endless hours awake till the morning, and then, straight to another job, travel around the country and the rest of Europe and be, or looks like he is, so lost about all the rest.

OW looks to me as loony as he does (she also stays awake when he does and travels around with him all the time), so, she may see nothing wrong with him. His family have no idea...

Maybe just like someone has once told me here in the forum, the family does not want to see how messed up he his...

Or maybe they spend all their energy in their jobs and travels and have nothing left to put into thinking about the marriage/relashionship and that is why OW/OM ara so handy, they help them forget all else.

[Dontgiveup]

MLC is definitely hard to wrap our heads around.

Here is part of RCR's MLC Overview article

There are many who witness the Cycling and Chaotic behaviour and conclude that Midlifers know exactly what they are doing. Since the behaviour cycles, there are pockets of rationale and clarity. Some are able to compartmentalize their lives, functioning at work and other activities away from the home. It is not that the Midlifers do not care, but rather that they must shield themselves from caring. They feel they must do whatever it is they are doing even when internally admitting it is wrong. They steel themselves emotionally; but they are not without guilt; rather I believe that for many it is the opposite. Their guilt is so immense that the burden is overwhelming. They are running from the demons within themselves and from the burdening reminders of guilt from the spouse, whether she is actively laying guilt or not. In addition, OWs add guilt by forcing responsibility for their happiness and success on the midlifer, and then by punishing him when he cycles between her and his wife.

[limitless]

I don't know.

I have witnessed MLC man in my office.  In his fifth year of MLC - grasping frantically at Replay activity - with high highs and low lows.  He was an excellent employee the first 15 years he worked at my company.  The last 5 have been........well, let's just say he is lucky he still has a job.  He was put under a new manager in July - things may change as this manager isn't aware of the stellar performance from years past...just the current lack of effort.

So, I don't know if they MLCer is really able to juggle the job as well as we may think.  We hear of MLCers losing their jobs, getting demoted, etc.  We LBS's ASSUME so much about how the MLCer is masking the depression and able to hide it pretty well.  Maybe that is what WE see.  Others may see things differently.

Again, I'm sure it is different with some MLCers - but I don't think that, for the most part, the MLCer is exceeding expectations in the workplace.  Most of the time, they hate and resent their jobs, almost as much as they hate and resent their spouses.

As an LBS - I can say that I have been able to give less than stellar output this last year.  I have tried to maintain myself as best I could - but, honestly, sometimes the lack of sleep, the fear, the depression - really did a number on me.  I am just now starting to regain my equilibrium.

Just my experience.....

Limitless

[Mamma Bear]

Lisa I thought that the fog was a result of the infatuation chemicals mixing with the depression (lack of serotonin etc)
   Add to that the Stage they are in, Replay.  So confusion works for them. Avoidance is easier if you forgot what it was you were trying to avoid or don't even know yet.
  Seems like we LBS  are so strong and kind and forgiving we can't imagine acting out in this fashion. Such strong urges they are dealing with or should I say NOT dealing with. Eventually the replay stuff makes them feel worse. Takes time. In the meantime the robotic portion of their mask goes to work and performs fine. Emotionally they are weak. That's why they say give ow R no credence. It's not real. It's a foggy hazey avoidance. And an ugly one to boot. LOL!!!

[Shantilly Lace]

No one realised how depressed I was.

I worked in banking, not only as a teller but as a loans officer for commercial so very techical stuff.  but because I could do my job and do it well NO ONE knew I was struggling.
I then went to work as a hostess in a night club and survived on 2 hours of sleep often working from 6pm to 8am, 5 or 6 days a week,  remember at the time I had run away was a single mum to a 3 year old and month old and did it for a year.

I compartmentalised like you wouldn't believe.

Once I returned to normalish I couldn't do it bt had no problem while depressed.

[Anjae]

limitless can you please tell me more about the behaviour of that man in your work that is now on year 5 of MLC? Do you notice changes from previous years?

Regarding work, for all I know, so far my husband manages pretty weel. He even got invited to do his third job because he so good. Don't think he hates any of his jobs, he quitedteh one he had when he left about an year after BD and took into something that he likes (or thinks he does)...

Shant how come you did not felt tired with so little sleep? My husband is been working like a mad man for more than 5 years, sometimes 7 days a week, goes out a lot to party and sleeps very little. He used to need at least 8 hours sleep. I'm amazed of how much he can endure...would think that, by now, he already had been flat tired...but, no, there seems to be no end to his energy...His normal self, at this point, would had been more than exausted and on sick leave from stress burnout and exaustion.

What made you stop, Shant? Did you hit rock bottom' Became to depressed and tired do keep up with such quick pace?

[With Gods Help!]

I believe the mlcer is able to function at work because one yes they can compartmentalize and two many do not after think about what their doing at work as like a lot of jobs they become routine.many can work on auto pilot.........i read somewhere that although mlcers appear to be ok at work apparently it sucks the life out of them and this why nearer the end of the working shift they become narky and snappy as they struggle to wear that mask that tells the world their ok............as for the affair relationship LISA  its easy to be someone your not with someone that doesn't know your back ground..how can o/w even think your h is crazy when she as nothing to compare him to...you can cos this not the man you knew for all them yrs...this is all the o/w knows.....she will know what crazy is though when he dumps her A$$ though lol xxxxxxxxxxx 

[limitless]

limitless can you please tell me more about the behaviour of that man in your work that is now on year 5 of MLC? Do you notice changes from previous years?

Anne,
I've known MLC man (that's what I call him) for 21 years.  He and his ex-wife have 3 kids - a bit younger than mine.  We spent many weekends and evenings - my family and his - having dinner, barbeques, etc.  MLC man was an only child, raised by a single mother - whose own father abandoned him at birth.  After his father died, and he (even in death) showed that he cared nothing about MLC man - MLC man took this VERY hard.  He pretty much fell apart and had deep depression.

He went to AA - met another addict and started an affair.  Left his wife and 3 kids and went off with the OW (I called her crack ow - as she really was a crack ow). 

At work, he first told me that he was leaving his wife - as he no longer loved his wife and was terribly unhappy.  He never mentioned about the OW.  But, one of my male collegues knew.  At first, he hid his affair.  Told his boss he was going to AA meetings during lunch and into the afternoon.  It turned out that he was out having afternoon delights.  His co-workers caught on and began to really resent him.  I remember, at that time, he worked in another department that required 24 hour service for their customers.  Each of the employees took turns taking the 24 hour calls on their work cell phones.  Well, he was always on his work cell phone.  Constantly being texted to and called by OW.  After his wife found out (naked photos of OW on his cell phone) then he would have many heated conversations with his wife.

He was extremely distracted.  Did the minimum to get by.  Had knock down - drag out arguments with his supervisor.  He was eventually transferred to another department - where he became a department of one.  After he and OW#1 broke up - he had a rotating number of girlfriends - all lasting a few months.  He started to get tattoos and smoke.  (Prior to this - he had no tattos and he never smoked).  He was not dependable - complained about how bored he was at work, all the time.  Missed a lot of work.  He hooked up with the latest OW - who he has lived with for about 3 years.  She recently kicked him out, but they are back dating again. 

In the middle of last year - he hit a deep depression.  Everytime I would pass his desk - the depression just oozed from him.  He sees a counselor.  He is on several different anti depressants.  He started to dream and constantly think about the day he told his kids he was leaving.  He was extremely depressed.  Around the end of last year, he received a pretty bad review.  It scared the cr*p out of him.  He thought he was going to lose his job.  He started paying attention to his work....started to accomplish things.  His outlook improved and he even started to try to reconnect with his kids.  I thought he had been on the road to recovery.

He even left the OW (well, she kicked him out) - but he was happy about it.  He was going to start a new life.

But, he has now gone back to Replay activity.  He cannot be alone.  And, his ex-wife will have nothing to do with him.  His kids have not forgiven him and are not exactly accepting his recent attention with arms open wide.  He is/was easily discouraged by the lack of progress he made in reconnecting with his kids - so it seems he just went back to Replay/Avoidance behavior.  His work is also starting to, once again, falter.  He is missing work and has a lack of interest in what he is doing.

I don't know.  He seems "stuck" to me.  It is a shame.  He was once a really good man.  Now, he is just like an addict - in search of a constant fix.

Again, for the first 15 years (pre MLC) - he was a great employee on the track to being a leader at my company.  Since MLC - job transfer, demotion, and now stuck in a pretty dead end job.  I hope he can keep it...

Maybe that is too much info.  I don't know.  Hope this insight helps.  I have watched this with great interest - especially since I experienced my own BD with my husband.   Funny thing, on BD my H told me that he had wanted to speak with MLC man.  Wonder what they would have had to say to each other.  To my knowledge, they haven't spoken.

Limitless

[Anjae]

Thanks, limitless. No, i tis not too much information. It is very good and useful one.

They do seem to make very poor choices of OW/OM. Really an affair down.

Also, there is some sort of repetition patters. You MLC man dad had abandoned him and his mum, my husband’s dad had always had affairs (and my husband was totally against and never forgived his dad. His dad end up living with the last OW, and, to my knowledge, still does. No idea if they are happy or not), and husband ends up in affairs, a thing he always found horrible.

Other person constantly contacting them to work is another factor that looks recurrent. OW1 was always in touch with my husband when he was at work (I was unware of it at the time) but when I was aware o OW1, I also use to have many heated converstions with my husband.
 
No idea if husband become distracted at the job he had by then. I moved back to our home town, husband did not took long after my return to quit is job. But looks like he is doing good on his 3 current jobs…

He is still living with OW2 and, from the outside, it looks like a bed of roses. So did with OW1 and, after all, it was not always so.    

My husband is a vanisher so I don’t get to see him. But my SIL is on my FB and, sometimes, she tags him in some photos. By late 2009 he was very, very thin. A skeletal, almost. He looked very ill. Don’t know what happened. Last year summer and for must of this year he looked knackered, worn out, bags under his eyes, tired. But he never stops working. If anything, he works even more and more and more…

With mine I can not see a single step into the road of recovery. To me, like your MLC man, he is stuck and keeps replaying. Looking at it closely even his second fault divorce process against me is replay. He is doing it again. Who goes for a second fault divorce when the court has already told you, you have no case?...

Don’t know, stating to think that my husband will not come out of it. Except, perhaps, if he become so exausted and depressed that he really will be forced to stop.

Maybe your husband wanted to ass MLC man if it had been worthy to drop wife, marriage, kids. It the new life was as great as it looks like…Maybe to have some sort of validation for his actions… who knows…maybe one day you can ask your husband (if he still remembers, given that they forget a lot).