Hi Anne,
When and re-read your six stages of MLC. Looks like I'm really gonna be here on the stands watching husband one unfold. But, and that come to mind a little bit ago when I was catching up on the thread H dragging OW along the tunnel of patience http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=744.0 and reading justasking talking about her husband’s clothes, mine looks like he is changing a little. I can only judge for the photos of his famous public life, but the clothes did change. They are more like the ones he wore when we meet (he dressed sharp and classy for a 17 years old) and the ones he had when he left. Not the crazy, so much more juvenile ones he had starting wearing since he left and had been wearing until a year ago.
Well, this is a very little nothing. It may mean zero. OW2 still there, they live together, he still has all the new friends and carries on with the party boy life, even if, this one two seems to be a little more toned down.
This could also be an episode of "touching and going" too...but like you say, who knows?
Usually the clothes DO change first, then other aspects of their appearance begin to change; if they had a beard and it was shaved down to a goatee', you may see the sides of their beard return. You should also see changes in their hairstyle; if the hair was grown out, they will have it cut back into the style you remember. They will also be a little friendlier IF they are in contact with you; although they may still have trouble meeting your eyes.
You may also begin to see flashes of the old, flashes of the new; and flashes of the man they will become; and this can happen before the OW leaves the picture, as it seems you'll see signs of them beginning to "wake up" to what they are doing.
They must "awaken" in order to begin to become emotionally ready to dissolve the affair; it's sort of like "Oh crap, what am I doing?"...and when they look at the affair partner; they're not quite sure how they got into this position; but it will take time for them to decide what will be done in that aspect.
As I recall, when my husband awakened; he realized that if he didn't do something all would be lost; and I can remember when the affair was dying its death; our phone was ringing off the hook as OW was calling; and I wouldn't answer it. His attitude was changing toward me, he was trying to see if I would accept him back; I had caught onto him; this was where I was giving him all kinds of heck. I was screaming at him; crying in fury; really off the deep end at that time.
I had NOT gotten what I needed to do for myself at that time.
The Lord was doing His best to get me to back off; as my husband was seriously trying to end the affair.
The Lord succeeded in reining me in, but I still nearly lost him in that process; the pressure on him was tremendous; and as a result, he rejected me soundly for a time.
As the affair was exiting stage right, I actually did see his clothes begin to change from the "kiddie" style clothes to the style I remembered; I saw him grow his beard back out from the goatee he had fashioned it into. He did become more friendly toward me but was also cautious; because I had become a ticking time bomb in his eyes.
I know now, that he managed to set what was left of the issue he was trying to work through and settle through his affair aside; and he came forward without cycling backward; getting rid of the woman; going through OW Withdrawal and Depression at the same time.
He spewed in great confusion; and said a great many things that didn't make a whole lot of sense during the OW Withdrawal and Depression. It was also during this time that I saw him start to have hot flashes, night sweats, deeper confusion as he experienced the symptoms of Andropause.
He moved forward out of the fear of losing me, rather than because he was "finished" with that particular stage.
Eventually he exited the tunnel less than a year later. I can tell you from hindsight, that his initial bout had lasted three years, and unfortunately, he came though TOO fast; there was still that set aside issue he needed to face, and it came back to get him, within nearly two years as he struggled through the Settling Down Process.
This tossed him into a different kind of tunnel consisting only of the Replay stage; and the only issue he had left to face and work through....and this one took an additional six years for him to navigate it. The "kiddie" clothes returned with a vengeance; he shaved his beard right back down to a goatee'; and his attitude toward me changed for the worse again.
If there are aspects they haven't gotten to during Replay or even any other stage, it would not be unusual for them to cycle back to catch any aspects they may have missed; so pop the popcorn, sit on the curb, and keep watching him whizz by on his roller skates.
The affair really must run its course as in MLC; anything can happen, and an exposure of the affair CAN backfire in a negative way; and if the LBS manages to break up the affair through this method; it is always possible the MLC'er would just go right back out and start another...their state of mind is MUCH different than your typical WAS'; and since the MLC'er doesn't see themselves as married or attached in a similar way; they don't see what they are doing as wrong.
Their morals and scruples are literally buried, right along with their feelings during this time.
As a side note; I have often heard and read that MLC is simply an excuse for bad behavior; but those who would say that have NOT lived this through to the end; and probably haven't seen half of what we've seen.
Our spouses were good people before the crisis; it is NOT possible to "fake" love or feelings for a long period of years; something definitely did happen to change them; and I still think it's a chemical change within the brain that helps trigger the crisis; considering Depression is present throughout; plus a possible major life event that helped throw them into the tunnel.
Anyway, I digress.
I could see in clear hindsight WHY I never saw the EA my husband was engaged in within his first bout of crisis UNTIL it became a PA. I would NOT have understood; not in the place I was in at that time, still fresh from getting bombed by discovery; and it would have been disastrous had I caught on before he fell into adultery.
Within his second bout of crisis a few years later; he got into a long distance EA, and I was prepared to simply let it run its course; but the Lord instructed me to break up the fun that time. The difference was he clearly KNEW what he was doing, there was NO fog hindering his brain;and he was being selfish; wanting that ego stroked...but since he'd chosen ME within his first bout of crisis; he was either going to have to learn to get that need met by me or not have it met at all.
He was trying to have her meeting some needs, me meeting others; trying to have the best of both worlds; and this could NOT be.
Since he wasn't willing to risk losing me just to get his ego stroked by another, he put an immediate stop to it when I confronted him, and things didn't go the way they had within that first bout of crisis; I didn't get rejected soundly; and I saw that he didn't go through any kind of withdrawal when I told him he was going to cut contact for good.
He didn't like it, but I was beyond caring what he did and didn't like at that point.
So, you see, it really depends on where their state is mind is at; as to how they will react to being given an ultimatum.
Within the first bout of crisis, my husband was protective of the OW; and he hid her as thoroughly as he could from me; but I knew what was going on; most especially when he fell to adultery as the signs came right home to me...and you know, he could NOT understand why I getting SO mad when I was finding clear signs that HE brought home to me..and tried to play it off like nothing was happening; but he knew I knew; and it scared him so badly; he speeded up the process of getting rid of her, because he had no intention of leaving me.
Within the second bout; he actually told on himself; and that got me started looking in phone records to see what the heck was going on. He didn't play it off that time; just argued with me about it, then gave over; and did what I told him to do, and that was cut the contact.
I remembered thinking during that second time; how stupid this whole thing was.
So, yeah, I've been through two bouts of MLC with him; two vastly different types of affairs; and learned a great deal from the experience.
Heck, I don't know if any of this will help you, Anne; it's mixed with general knowledge; and experience.
But you know as hard as the road was for me, it was the journey that was most important; my marriage was just a bonus, nothing more than that.
I wasn't successful, because my marriage survived these two bouts of crisis; I was successful, because I took and finished the journey to wholeness and healing that was required of me; AND my husband navigated his journey as well.
What resulted was two people who were changed for the better because of what happened; but if he hadn't done his part, or if I hadn't done mine; we would not have made it to the point of reconnection and reconciliation.
I endured a great deal to make it to where I am; this was NOT the easier road that I took when I chose to stand for my marriage. This was the HARDER road I walked...it was hard enough to survive the journey to wholeness and healing; it was even harder trying to bring my marriage through with me.
There was alot of work I did singlehandedly. I was called upon at several points to bring him to accountability; as well as make sure my changes were for real, and made permanent; in order to bring about the necessary changes in him so he would grow up right along with me.
Either one of us could have walked away at any time; this is where the CHOICES come in..he could have decided to walk away and not accept the person I had become; but instead he CHOSE to stand with me in that aspect.
There were days I could have cheerfully killed him; and not felt a thing; to me, it seemed like he was making this so much harder than it really was; but I also had to remember that my issues and his issues were different in many ways, although we were guilty LONG before the crisis of enabling each other in various ways of immature behavior.
Yet, I was way ahead of him most of the time; therefore, I was called upon to lead him in the way he needed to go. I was charged with an even greater responsibility because I KNEW, and was AWARE of what was going on; most of the time, he had NO clue which end was up. I was the "sane" one, therefore, I was receptive to the instructions I kept getting from my intuition.
I always had choices; a person will always have choices; no one can ever say they don't have a choice...and no one gets forced into standing or walking away.
One of the aspects I always recalled was the one concerning free will that God gives to every person. There are consequences for making wrong choices, but God will not prevent one from making choices that can lead to disaster. He only reminds one that they will reap what they sow, and it's true, I've seen it happen in the life of my husband several times.
I guess I'm such a stubborn lady; but I could NOT let this completely go within this particular aspect without seeing how this would end. So, I hung in there to see how this would go; and it went well, as things are better now than before.
Take care.
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MLC'ers are not the enemy