[BonBon]

This may have been discussed before but I've noticed alot of self admitted people pleaser types here.

While I don't believe an MLC is intentional, I do wonder if LBS' tend to be pleasers, or "too" nice, or people with long fuses....etc.

It just seems to be something I read alot and I wonder if on some subconcious level, our MLC spouses are aware that perhaps we might put up with more than someone with a less patient/tolerant/nice/confident disposition?

I know for a fact that while my H might have put up with certain things from me, had I ever had a PA and humiliated him (as he did me), he would have walked...no question.  That is just an indignity he never would have given a second chance on.  I'm sure of that.

I've always been someone who gave alot of rope to people...not a doormat at all times and I can be pretty strong when need be but...I'm definitely known as more "nice" than strong..more polite than not...will give more allowance than not. 

I'm wondering if that is a commonality here...just curious....

[Synicca]

BonBon,

I think I am just like you...a giver, obviously a person that forgives, maybe way to much given how many time honey has cheated.
I wonder sometimes if he just knows I wont let go because I havent shown him much difference in the past. Even though I have left and divorced him, I always came back.....so what have I proved other then I'll keep taking a beating? hmmmm I am a "give my shirt off my back" kinda person..with little backbone. I dont know.

[Shantilly Lace]

Actually this is odd. I had walked out on a previous R before Dearheart and yes I was young bit I had been with him 2 years when he treated me badly and I hopped out of the car and walked away.
I had ways firmly believed if Dearheart had cheated on me I would have walked. Funny thing was in the beginning I almost did. It wasn't until he said a couple of things a few weeks in I realised it was something different.

If anyone had mentioned differently to me I would have laughed.

If anyone had said almost 2 years on I would be standing and not have someone new i would have been hysterical or furious. 

But I have a giving nature and for me this journey has actually taught me I have strength and I can cope even when I have wanted to run. My lesson from this has been to stand. And not run. To face not escape.

Doesn't mean in the future I won't move forward totally and leave him for good but it's been more important for me to learn how to cope and not flee from issues.

[LisaLives]

The title of this thread made me laugh, my first response was "hell no, I'm a b*tch!"  I needed that laugh!

But I am a giver, I gave exH everything for a long time, BUT when S, then 9 was diagnosed with cancer, everything changed for me.  First, both S's needed a lot more attention, and I decided I deserved a little bit, too.  And THAT was when everything caved in...  So I was "nice," and then I did get a little b*tchy, especially when it came to his mother...  But I am still laughing, I like that I grew a backbone, it only took 40 years, but it feels quite good, really! 

[kikki]

Well - I guess it depends on what you mean by 'nice'. 

 pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory : we had a nice time | that wasn't very nice of him | Jeremy had been very nice to her.
• (of a person) pleasant in manner; good-natured; kind : he's a really nice guy.

My friends and family think I'm nice because I'm loyal, non selfish, think of others, listen to them, am pretty diplomatic  BUT
they also know that I have pretty strong opinions, am not scared to speak out, and you don't mess with me.

I too would never ever have thought that I'd be in this position.  Two years nearly post BD, my H with another woman, and I haven't thrown him to the cleaners.

Yes, I truly believe I would have done so earlier in our lives.  But I wonder if that is part of our maturation.  Part of us becoming more whole.  Part of us growing up.  We now realise that this is not about us.  That this is about a broken person that we have spent a quarter of a century with, have three gorgeous children with, assets, business etc etc.  We now have the maturity to know that you just don't throw that away lightly, or in a reactionary way - because our spouse is clearly unwell.

My H does know that I am strong, opinionated and loyal and compassionate.  I guess he knows somewhere deep down that he is lucky.
I doubt very much that he thinks I'm a doormat.

[Strong girl]

Yes, too nice maybe! lol

I believe I addressed this on my thread. But I was ALWAYS the pleaser . the drop what I am doing so I can help you. In fact I did it this morning. My neighbor needed a ride to town. I was SUPER busy. But, I dropped everything took her to run her errand and brought her home.. then did what I needed. So I guess I am still learning. lol

My whole marriage I was the giver. H, was definitely the taker. Took me over a year to realize this. & now that he is home I am making sure I am not a DOORMAT any longer.

I know it stems from my childhood. The pleaser, too nice. I still get that from my friends "SG.. you are too nice" ..

I have learned alot this past year and a half. I can be nice But be strong. (wish I remembered this morning..lol)

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

I have been way too nice to my H so I guess that's why he thinks he can get by w/things.
My H has always been like a kid when it comes to getting gifts.  I mean, we all like to get presents, but he's kind of a brat about it.  He will talk to different members of my family & tell them what he wants in hopes of them mentioning it to me.  And I don't mean in some casual way, I mean in a wear-you-down, you'd better make this happen kind of a way.  I remember getting so frustrated once I was in tears and my mother finally had a talk with him about putting this kind of pressure on me.  (It's pressure because he asks for things we can't afford then if I can't buy it he makes hurtful remarks about how inferior what I'd bought is.)  So I usually over-extend us to make him "happy."  It lasts around six months.
That's one of my biggest peeves with this whole zip-your-lips standing thing.  I fear he is convinced he's getting something over on me because nobody's calling him on his actions.

[kikki]

.
That's one of my biggest peeves with this whole zip-your-lips standing thing.  I fear he is convinced he's getting something over on me because nobody's calling him on his actions.

Wed2 I struggle with this too.  Although I spent a large amount of time not zipping my lips the first year post BD.  Even when I found this forum, near the end of that year, I read it and thought - no way can I do that! 

My sister has just offered to approach my H again, which is really kind of her.  She did it over 18mths ago, and he hated it (of course), although he hasn't forgotten it.  This time she wants to approach it from the aspect of getting through this for him.  I sadly said it probably would just make him turn back into the tunnel.  They do need to find their own way through I guess, but don't forget we get to send truth darts. 

I went through a long faze of zipping my lips, and am just getting on a roll with truth darts again.  I do find it hard not to stop.  Tightrope!!  Some days I feel my anger bubbling up again - I'm sure it must be a monthly thing 

SG - absolutely - you can be nice but strong at the same time.  What was that thing in the 80's or was it the 90's? Assertiveness training LOL   

http://l-pawlik-kienlen.suite101.com/boundaries-a7622  This is on how to say no without feeling guilty.  It does take some practice.

[trusting]

While I don't believe an MLC is intentional, I do wonder if LBS' tend to be pleasers, or "too" nice, or people with long fuses....etc.

It just seems to be something I read alot and I wonder if on some subconcious level, our MLC spouses are aware that perhaps we might put up with more than someone with a less patient/tolerant/nice/confident disposition?

I do fit this category and I also tend to be pretty passive.  I have wondered if my H, knowing me, knows that I would put up with more.  Who knows.

[Strong girl]

Kikki,

great link... I read it .. Gotta admit it is gonna take some practice. lol

Trusting, 

Passive is also me. Goes right along with the pleaser attitude.