[HeartsBlessing]

Synicca,

Bear in mind that all affairs are addictive; and hard to break down.  Your husband seems to be still addicted to this woman; and how she makes him feel...yet, she seems to be keeping him on edge all of time, and this is NOT good at all.

honey says all the time " I know I dont deserve this" and when he says this...I think to myself...why are you even saying this?? must mean something.

It comes to me to advise you to ask him if he knows he doesn't deserve this(I'm assuming he's talking about HIMSELF?), WHY is he still in the situation HE'S created for himself?  Remind him that he can get out at ANY time; that he's NOT tied to her, and that he DOES have choices; he just needs to make the right one.

With this, you're not offering yourself as any kind of solution; just giving him some food for thought; he seems to be receptive to what you say at this point.

Let me know what he tells you on that..you may get some insight from his answer.

[Synicca]

HB---several months ago, when he said this the first time...I did ask him..all he could say was that he KNEW he didn't.
That he WAS better then that...

Now, we have talked about his first girlfriend...he was 15-16 years old..his first sexual partner, long term R..SHE was abusive towards him, he said that she belittled him, hit him and ran him into the ground daily. He stayed with her off and on for several years, until he met his second g/f which turned out to be someone he felt madly in love with....BUT, he says because of the first g/f it changed him and he didn't trust women from then on...he became abusive himself and hit this second girlfriend one night and her parents kept him from ever seeing her again...He told me that he never was able to apologise to her for treating her that way....He said that the first g/f made him into the man he is today....or was when WE met...for the first 5-7 years of OUR r...he was abusive and mean...treated me like dirt...he FEELS horrible about ALL of this NOW...

I have believed that he IS working this time out with this OW..I do wonder IF he believes he does deserve this...he has mentioned times when he had done something TO ME...in the past that he STILL feels horrible about..I had NO clue he felt this way...

I still think he believes on some level he DOES deserve this...because he says things that make me think he is working it out..but goes back for more beatings from OW..

I hope all this made sense??  LOL!!
((hugs))

[HeartsBlessing]

HB---several months ago, when he said this the first time...I did ask him..all he could say was that he KNEW he didn't.
That he WAS better then that...

Ask him again, see if his answer changes this time.

[Synicca]

HB- another thing I have asked him...is to look at the sitch with OW and to leave me out of it..

I have told him, This isnt about me, this is about you..You need to decide for yourself IF this is the kind of R you deserve or want..I have told him many times..That I wanted him to be happy...and I dont see him happy with her.

All he can say is first..."he doesnt know why he stays" but then says.."its the sex" but they arent living together and she is 3000 miles away...I have told him this doesnt make sense since they arent having sex..

he says, he has tiny moments of happiness with her...and the rest is sh**...He said the other day..That there has been no  moments of happiness at all in the last 2 weeks..he has tried to pull away..but cant.

She continues to beat him down..I assume alot like his first girlfriend did when he was young..I can only hope he finds resolve...I was prompted to STAY put.

I had a dream....I didnt want to mention it here...but oh well, If LG can talk about her angels..LOL!! I might as well tell my dream...Thursday night..I was shown a box in my kitchen...( I had packed everything in there) I walked to the box and on it read "unpack" When I went to open the box...It had a armor shield in it...printed on the shield said "Save him" and when I went to lift the shield out of the box....underneath was a picture of honey.

Needless to say...I unpacked everything Friday after honey left on his trip...Then I had a urge to read up on BPD and have done so most of the day..I feel like I was prompted to find out what I am up against and HOW to protect my family....By staying here, I can prevent her from entering MY home...at ALL cost. I will comply.


Now...since I have read a ton of stuff today..I am exhausted and going to head off to rest...Be Blessed
and thank you soo much HB...

( I will ask him again, ((hugs))

[LettingGo]

He said that the first g/f made him into the man he is today

I heard a version of this the other day..... when my husband/Monster was telling me how "all of those experiences have shaped who I am.... including YOU when you dumped me at 18.... that's why I'm so hard-hearted... it's just who I am...."

he says, he has tiny moments of happiness with her...and the rest is sh**...

Heard this also.... but the affair is not about OW..... she could be anyone that fits the bill of abusive and stupid and maipulative BPD or whatever..... it is about YOUR HUSBAND and HIS feelings about HIMSELF and his MOMMY and a little about his DAD..... that's what this is about in my opinion and you can't stop it with logic... with "showing" him the obvious!

As long as we are going into the realm of "woo woo" talk...... how about this? I used to pray all sorts of complicated prayers for my husband to only think of me, for OW to find someone else... for them to be able to heal from their affair... blah, blah, blah....NOW I only pray that the SCALES BE LIFTED FROM THEIR EYES. That's all it will take. It will be a series of "light bulb moments" that come together to SHOW them the way.... or a "fall on your knees" moment of misery and begging God for help to SHOW them the way..... at least that is what it took for me.

I do my part with the truth darts, but at this point, I've fired them all.... the information is out there any time he wants to OPEN HIS EYES to see.... just as his MLC snapped me out of my transition so that I could SEE, and it didn't happen overnight, either.... something will possibly have to happen for him to SEE it..... so many things are possible...

Synicca... it must be horrible to hear him tell you it's all about the sex..... she's just a woman.... no special powers there..... I wonder if it is just that OW never says "no" or that she is MAINLY AVAILABLE as a sex object and he doesn't have to talk to her... like the appeal of a call girl is that you pay for the sex, and after it's over she goes home... you never have to call her, send her flowers or take her out.... I know that my husband CLAIMS to NEVER give his OW presents or take her anywhere on dates... I'm sure he is rewriting history, as he even claims "she pays her own way" when they go out to eat...... I'm skeptical about that comment as it sounds like something he would say so as not to hurt me, knowing it GRIPES me that he pays for her with OUR money!! Oh, and he claims that $2000 bed "was a total wasted of money... it's the most uncomfortable bed ever!!" which was said under his breath so maybe that is true... or MAYBE it's the fact that he is with his HO in it that makes it so uncomfortable, LOL!!

I'd say to give yourself a break on the reading up on OW.... it means you are attached to her..... remember my story? Better to be rid of that attachment somehow.... it will SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU.... besides... it really doesn't matter... when HE is ready, HE will get rid of her... ask St. Michael to fight this battle for you.

[StandandDeliver]

MLCer's are incapable of judging character in anyone. Mine has a relative who has serious and deep psychological issues. My H met up with this person last year and told me that the person "seemed great and was doing really well!".

Less than a week after they met up the person was re-admitted to a long-term psychiatric unit due to being incapable of looking after themselves  and being a danger to themselves.  It was relatively soon after BD and I remember thinking, takes one person in denial about their psychological condition to believe another person in denial. Like two alcholics telling each other that they are just fine...

[Synicca]

LG- you know I dont give OW much of anything...but something kept nagging at me about the BPD..I tried to ignore the constant feelings...but I finally did it. It was like I needed to know exactly what type of person SHE really is.

I dont know why I needed to know this...not yet anyway, but It is what it is..

S&D- Thats what was scary...you have a BPD woman and a MLC man...sheesh! That combo is pretty scary in itself.

((hugs))

[Synicca]

hmmmmm another interesting article..


Being the wife when your husband cheats with a borderline...


http://gettinbetter.com/goodwife.html

[Synicca]

OK, for some reason...I have continued reading up on BPD relationships...

I am finding ALOT of info...and to be honest, it has helped me tons to see where my next move is going to be..
not in reference to my MLCer...but the fact that...IF he wants to truly be with her, he will need to move to NY.

I will not allow this woman ANYWHERE near my daughter or myself. Turns out these women are pretty flippen
dangerous.

[kikki]

Syn, I think her website is fantastic.  Really informative.

Can I just say 'Yahoo!'.  You have had a lightbulb moment.  Do not let this woman have anything to do with you or your D.