GED is right, this place is different from all other out there. Here he don’t get our spouses villifly (nor even the other person) nor are told to use “these 7 secrets to make your H/W fall back in love with you".
And for those who arrived here as standers, and who like me, have been reading, first the site, than the forum, from months before we join the board, it makes sense that we stay here.
A divorce from a MLCer is not like other divorces. A LBS because of a husband/wife is not like a LBS from a WAS or a person that divorces amicably. In a normal divorce forum we would not get the help and support we need not would we be understood. And the other MLC foruns I took a look at where very poor intellectually, very aggressive and unkind. Not my cup of tea.
The fact that, currently, there may seem to be more people divorcing (and divorce and stop standing are not the same thing) is, I think, like Shant said due to the forum/site still be young. In time we may start to see more reconciliations (from people who never divorce, from those who divorce, from standers or no-standers).
RCR does not advocate divorce (doubt any of us here does) but has said that she understands that sometimes it is needed or happens. She also says that standing changes. We can stand at a time, stop standing, go back to stand.
And one of the things that made really like this site, before I join the board, apart from all the great articles was this, that is on the site front page “you may be a strict Stander, or you may choose to Stand without a strict aversion to divorce, or you may simply be uncertain whether your relationship is worth a Stand. It is for each individual to choose whether to Stand, or whether to step down. Some Standers are for Life, continuing to Stand knowing restoration of their marriages is unlikely. They are the Covenant Keepers, honouring their vows even as their spouse may marry another. Regardless of your beliefs and goals, you are welcome.”
Does not make any sense to say to someone who come here as a stander, and no longer is, of even if to a non stander who had a MLCer spouse that wanted to understant MLC, not be here anymore.
Agree with Lisa, think RCR would be interested in know more about what happens more broadly with LBS/MCLers/MLC.
Again, agree with Lisa, think most standers they know they have a limit and will not stand for a lifetime unless at a certain point R is eminent. And, yes, standing has many different definitions.
If we go away we learn no more, both we and the others will not have a variety of experiences, will not read different stories, will not be more rich, wise, knowledge people. And it may not provide such a better study field for MLC and its consequences on both LBS and MCLer. Like the crisis, those consequences take time.
A LBS that is divorcing and/or moving on needs as much support as a stander, a support that, like I’ve written above, can not be provided by a regular divorce support group.
I’m in the middle between LG & Synnica and Lisa. I managed to stand with husband having OW1 and OW2 but would not had managed to stand with in living with me, nor having to deal with him coming and going between me and OW. Of course mine is not divorced yet so he is not formally married to OW2. He lives with her, he is a vanisher. I see no near end to such situation and I will not remain standing and hoping that, one day (in a month? In a year? In ten years) he will “wake up” and wants back.
A point comes when, at least for me, a decision needs to me made. And, frankly, if they are to be back, divorce or no divorce, standing or no divorce will not, IMHO, will not make much of a difference in the end. The one difference divorce and move on will make is for the LBS. The MCLer, if wanting back, will still wanting back after done with the crisis even if the LBS has divorced and moved on. I know some of theses cases from real life.
I’ve read stayeds husband letter a few times. A few parts took my attention, and I think, helped my decision of stop standing . Why? Well, like many, for a long while, even if I had not problem with being divorced, I was in a doubt. But reading the letter and answering some questions, made me realise a few things:
“So, if you stop chasing and checking up and worrying you might actually lose him. Would that be any worse than the suffering you are experiencing right now? How much longer do you want to hurt, be angry and confused? On the other hand, you thought he was your life partner and you feel that you are abandoning him if you don't try to "help him through this". It is a horrible situation to be in.”
No, it would not be any worse if I loose him. I also don’t feel I’m abandoning him (not anymore. I did for a long time) and never felt like “helping him trought this”. It made the mess, he must help himself out of it.
“Then live your life as if he may not come back. Believe it, don't play it: he may not come back. If he doesn't then how will that be any worse than what you are living now? On the other hand, if he feels the danger like I did, he may be smacked back into reality. Depending on when that happens and where you are with your life you can make a decision at that time as to what you want to do.”
It will not be any worse than what I’m living right now. I’ll go and live my life like he is never coming back. And, of course, like stayed’s husband said, if he may come into reality again, depending where I will at my life then, I can decide what to do when/if It happens.
“You can't be sure where this decision will lead you but you need more than hopes and dreams that things will be the way they were. You are very sad and you feel very sorry for him and hope that he will be OK but you have had enough and you can't let this situation ruin two lives. If he comes to his senses and wants to be with you then you hope that happens before your life takes a new direction and the door closes. You are not going to live in the past and you are prepared to move on without him.”
I don’t need things to be the way they were (they will never be the same again) but, indeed, I do need more than hopes and dreams. Yep, I’m not going to live in the past and are prepared to live without him.
There is also this, “There are lots of times though that you see the illusion for what it really is. It is hard to deal with so you block it by doing "all kinds of fun things". Keep yourself busy, go places, do things: eat in nice restaurants, go dancing, see movies, keep your mind busy. As long as there are bright lights and distractions you won't dwell on your own stupidity. When you get tired and your mind starts to wander you suppress it.”
My husband is deep, deep, deep into a life of party, the king of the night life, playing music at clubs, working 3 jobs, always surrounded by people, noise, bright lights, travels abroad, a bunch of mates that say “you’re the man”. He had also told me, more than once, that he cannot stop. If he does, he will have to think about things (the things he has done). My husband will never “wake up” unless there is no more anchor. And I don’t me “wake up” and come back to me, I mean “wake up” from that life, grow, heal, become a different and better person.
Remember, we all know our MCLer best, as well as ourselves. And no, I’m not planning to leave the board.
Author
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The Heros Spouse