[Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?]

Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?

Stress and/ or burnout

12 (25%)

Medication

1 (2.1%)

Dealing with childhood issues

10 (20.8%)

Hormonal changes

3 (6.3%)

Depression

8 (16.7%)

Neurological changes, unrelated to anything outside

1 (2.1%)

Underlying personality disorder,

7 (14.6%)

Social fears (aging, mortality, children leaving, etc.)

2 (4.2%)

Genetics

0 (0%)

External factors (work, OW, etc.)

1 (2.1%)

None of these (please add a note) Death of his mother

3 (6.3%)

Total Members Voted: 48

Voting closed: August 20, 2016, 03:03:33 PM

[Mermaid]

Midlife transitions and crises.
Here are ten brief summaries of some different perspectives on midlife transitions, and what may lead to a crisis. Note that midlife crisis is not a formal diagnostic category, as the age at which it strikes, its causes, symptoms and duration all vary. So before we think about midlife stages or our response, we need to consider what type of crisis our MLCer is having. It’s quite possible to have a mixture of causes or explanations, but the point is the MLC is not one thing only. Here are some perspectives:
1.   Jungian perspective: ML is a normal part of the maturation process in which the person takes stock of where they are going in life, making some adjustments in order to live their life more fully and more as themselves rather than as the person they expected themselves to be. It is a crisis if they are experiencing stress or they have childhood issues that were never dealt with. See: Hollis, J. (1993) “The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife” Inner City Books
2.   Eriksonian perspective: the significant task of ML is generativity, that is, to perpetuate culture and transmit values of the culture through the family and a concern for the next generation and all future generations. However, crises can arise as (a) children leave home;(b)  if individuals are either under extended (leading to stagnation) or (c) over extended (so generative that they no longer allow time for themselves, for rest and relaxation), leaving individuals self absorbed and struggling to find meaning. See Erikson, E.(1994) “Identity and the Lifecycle” W. W. Norton & Co
3.   Evolutionary psychology perspective: Many middle-aged men do go through midlife crises, but it's not because they are middle-aged. It's because their wives are. From the evolutionary psychological perspective, a man's midlife crisis is precipitated by his wife's imminent menopause and end of her reproductive career, and thus his renewed need to attract younger women. See Miller, a. and Kanazawa, S, (2007) “Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters: From Dating, Shopping, and Praying to Going to War and Becoming a Billionaire-- Two Evolutionary Psychologists Explain Why We Do What We Do” Perigee Trade
4.   Evolutionary ecological perspective: There are different hypothesis on the function/ evolution of the male female pair bond; they evolved for (a) male provisioning. (b) as a response to male mating competition when benefits of staying with a current mate outweigh costs of seeking new mates. (c) to protect against infanticide by aggressive males. However, parental investment and male mating competition accounted for significant cross-cultural variance in conjugal stability. The stability of the pair bond between males and females is threatened when either sex contributed the majority to subsistence. Steven N. Austad, (1994): "Menopause: An Evolutionary Perspective," Experimental Gerontology 255-63.
5.   Biological perspective: Hormonal changes affect relationships and behaviour in midlife, leading to menopause in women and the irritable male syndrome in men. Symptoms include: anger and social withdrawal, irritability, hypersensitivity, anxiety, mood swings, depression, lack of libido. See Diamond, Jed (2004) The Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing the 4 Key Causes of Depression & Aggression, Rodale Press. (However, only 2% of males have significant hormonal changes in midlife.)
6.   The effects of midlife stressors; midlife adults experience more "overload" stressors--basically juggling too many activities at one time. There are gender differences, however. Midlife women shoulder more "crossover" stressors--simultaneous demands from multiple domains like work and family--than their male counterparts and report higher levels of distress as a result. Socioeconomic status also makes a difference; midlife people with lower educational status report the same number of stressors as those with higher educational status, they are more likely to rate stressors as more severe. See Brim, G., & Kagan, J. (Eds.). (1980). Constancy and Change in Human Development, Cambridge, Harvard University Press. and Brim, G., & Baltes, P. B. (Eds.). (1979-1984). Life-Span Development and Behavior (Vols. II-VI). New York: Academic Press.
7.   Depression: Whether a midlife transition will develop into serious depression or into an opportunity for growth depends on a number of factors, including support from partners and other loved ones. Symptoms of depression include; Change in eating habits; Change in sleeping habits, fatigue; Feelings of pessimism or hopelessness; Restlessness, anxiety or irritability; Feeling of guilt, helplessness or worthlessness; Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex and hobbies; Thoughts of suicide or attempts at suicide; Physical aches or pains such as headaches or gastrointestinal upset that don't respond to treatment. See Manber, R. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, June 2008: vol. 76; pp.459-67.
8.   It’s not midlife, but stress burnout syndrome. The phases include working too hard; neglecting one’s own needs; displacing conflicts (projecting); revision of values; denial of emerging problems; withdrawal; inner emptiness and depression. The symptoms include: emotional exhaustion and reduced sense of personal accomplishment, see Maslach, C., Jackson, S.E, & Leiter, M.P. (1996 ) MBI: The Maslach Burnout Inventory: Manual. Palo Alto: Consulting Psychologists Press, Cardinell, C.E, (1981) “Burnout? Mid-Life Crisis? Let's Understand Ourselves.” Contemporary education.
9.   It’s not a midlife crisis but a marriage crisis. Our roles have changed, as have our attitudes and expectations of marriage. See http://www.middleage.org/marriagecrisis3.shtml
10.   Midlife is not a single thing: "Midlife crisis" is an umbrella term for what are really several different problems. One academic paper reported that "middle-aged Baby Boomers ... quite freely used the term “mid-life crisis” to describe nearly any setback, either in their career or family life, which they experienced. what people call "midlife crisis" can be one of four things. They are differentiated by: Whether the problem is tied to or triggered by middle age or one's own aging and mortality; and severity. A final type of midlife crisis isn't shown on our table because it isn't really a crisis -- it's an excuse. The popular belief that practically everyone goes through a psychological trauma at midlife, and that the crisis causes behavior ranging from silly purchases to thrill seeking and infidelity, provides cover for people who want to do those things anyway. One only has to read online or offline advice columns to see how frequently this rationale is used -- often by the wife of a man who's learned that it's easy to blame his "midlife crisis" for his transgressions. Digging deeper may reveal what's really going on. See http://lifetwo.com/production/node/20060824-types-of-midlife-crisis.

[OldPilot]

Thats pretty interesting.

Good Job Mermaid.

[Mermaid]

From this perhaps we can see where or how our MLC fits in.

In the case of my H, I think that the main factor was chronic stress, leading to physical illness and burnout . But there are personality factors in how we deal with stress (he is INFJ on the Myers Briggs scale), as well as experiences (carrying the responsibility for his family since the early death of his father), interactions (my stress meant I reacted negatively to his lack of support/ withdrawal/ projections), and stage of life (children growing up, having own interests).
So our marriage became a stress factor, rather than a supporting factor, the OW represented escape, and the confusion was pyschosomatic (which doesn't mean it is in his head, but that his mind affects physica and neurological responses). I still think he needs time, support, space, understanding, and that the Kubler Ross stages of dealing with extreme difficulties apply  (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance ), but not in a formulaic way.
He doesn't necessarily have a child within who needs to grow up or a shadow self to embrace, though it is an opportunity for growth.

[MarkedandHealed]

Ditto your "case of your H" up above. My H has the same issues, however he did have an alcoholic/absent father, and three marraiges between both parents. He has a low self esteem and seems to be trying to relive his high school years where the "pretty girl" liked him.

[Dontgiveup]

I don't know exactly how it might fit under the perspectives, but as I read through the depression paragraph (#7), here are the words that stuck out to me.  My ex-wife VERBALIZED to me several times over the past 6 months that she felt hopeless, anxious, fearful, and doubtful.
 

[Mermaid]

Sounds like depression to me. Is she getting help with this?

I've put 10 ways of analysing what's going on, but sometimes several sections may make sense.

[Trustandlove]

Well, for me a number of things come up.  First is the Jungian; that he really is re-evaluating who he is, what choices he made, what he wants.  I know a university friend of his (who is also, perhaps even more so, my friend now) said that she was surprised that he ever had children, as she didn't think he'd ever want them. 

(However, I remember him telling when they were around 4 me how great he thought it was that we did have the children, that he thought we'd have serious psychological problems if we hadn't had them....)

The depression; this was all brought on by the suicide of a very close friend. 

Definitely the feeling that time is running out, that he wants to do things that he says I kept him from doing. 

Total fear of aging -- where does that fit in?  My H has always had that, I remember what he was like on his 30th birthday; let alone later.  Even now he still panics at each birthday, this year as well he said so as much, that time was marching on, he couldn't say he was "early 40's" any more..... 

The big about it being a marriage crisis to do with gender roles, etc., is also interesting; it may be due to that that he feels trapped in his role of provider, seeing me as just coasting along.... 

Excellent post, Mermaid!

[Mermaid]

From Wikipedia "Carl Jung’s model contains five stages of midlife – Accommodation, Separation, Liminality, Reintegration, and Individuation. Accommodation refers to the different masks or personas people use for different situation in their lives. Basically, accommodation is the different ways people present themselves to others. Those who present personas that are not in line with their inner selves tend to have more difficult times in midlife as opposed to those who present personas close to their inner selves.

Separation deals with the evaluation of the different personas and masks and discovering why certain masks are used and if they refelct the inner self accurately. In the Liminality stage, the person may feel unsure of his/her identity and looks towards others for feedback. Reintegration occurs when the person when the person begins to feel comfortable with himself or herself although a bit of uncertainty is still normal. Finally, in the individuation stage, the person recognizes inner comflict, accepts it, and attempts to discover a balance between these conflicts.

When going through midlife, the above five stages are meant to be a guide, not a strict rule of order. The stages can take varying amounts of time for different people and can also be left and reentered. This process of midlife stages is there to help those going through midlife realize that they are not abnormal. These thoughts and feelings are being experienced by others going through the same process. "

A bit different to Conway's stages?

[Mermaid]

Sherman writes ""there is as yet no evidence for developmental periods or 'stages' in the mid-life period"

Edmund A. Sherman - 1987 "male mid-life crisis" - Psychology 

[Mermaid]

Personality makes a difference to midlife experience:

"Individual differences in extraversion and neuroticism in early adult life influence levels of well-being reported in midlife"
From Abbot et al 2008 "The relationship between early personality and midlife psychological well-being: evidence from a UK birth cohort study" Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology

(This study was about British women. Other studies have indicated that culture makes a difference too. MLC is rare in certain cultures, such as Japan.)

My MLCer is introverted, and uses his introversion as a defence mechanism to avoid the world and communication with it, so pathological attitudes could develop without my awareness.