[Tsunami]

Hello Everyone,

Struggling through the holidays like everyone else here on the board.

I've been thinking about this topic for some time.  If I had something wrong with me and someone pointed out to me what they felt was wrong, I would be grateful for their observation.  So I question, why is it so important not to not point out to our spouses they are going through a MLC?

Keeping everyone in my prayers so we can make it through the season in one piece.

Tsunami

[Sassyone]

Tsunami:

I think it is mostly because they don't hear us and they think it is all our fault.  I personally dropped the MLC talk on my H.  He didn't hear it at first, but he did read Jim Conway's book eventually when he was ready.  I think it is along the same lines of going to counseling.  If they go, they are usually just doing it for us to shut us up or justify leaving.  My H has even admitted to that. 

(HUGS)

This is a tough time of year.

Sassy

[In this for ME]

You know if I was struggling the way they are ( and God-da*m it!!! they know they are) and someone could offer me a POSSIBLE explaination as to WHY I'm behaving a certain way I would be all ears..but for some reason they are not.
I would find GREAT comfort in the fact that I'm not going crazy.
I have a tendency to be co dependent- alcohlic upbringing.

When I went to my first alanon meeting I was FLOORED!! I mean totally dumstruck. EVERYONE was just like me. And when I read the book "Codependent No More" I actully thought someone had been following me around writing down MY life story. I felt SOOOOOOOOOO much better knowing it was OK to feel the way I was BECAUSE there was a reason for it!!

I wish I knew why it won't work for them- they could stop thier own suffering if they would just entertain the idea.

[Mamma Bear]

 Hey Tsunami, I think it's bc they would at first picture some old Dom Delouise Movie where he's got a young babe on each arm and a new red corvette.  In their teenage compartmentalization of all things real  it'd be lost or misconstrued.  Then they'd get their anger and monster out. Defense DeFense!!  Football season is upon us.
  I also think that once they get to a certain point on the journy it's like a rocket on re-entry. They're mostly concerned with not burning up!!  I think when under a lot of duress a person can't read or hear about "crisis" and relate in terms of themselves and their sitches.  Kinda like telling someone they drink too much!  Never goes well.
 

[Sassyone]

Momma I think you hit the nail on the head.  They are sailing down the river of denial, why on earth would they possibly think something is wrong with them!   

[Dontgiveup]

"If I had something wrong with me and someone pointed out to me what they felt was wrong, I would be grateful for their observation.  So I question, why is it so important not to not point out to our spouses they are going through a MLC?"

Sassyone said it......because denial is a main component of MLC.

Right after bomb drop, my counselor encouraged me not to use the term midlife crisis with my MLCer because it is viewed negatively or dismissed as an excuse.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Remember, it is about denial and no responsibility. Many feel that they are making the right choice for the first time ever. How dare you suggest that anything is wrong with them? If there is anyone with a problem, it is you.

It serves no purpose nor does it help to even discuss the issue with them.

((((hugs))))

[Tsunami]

This is funny.  I told husband he was depressed, and he said my friends can't diagnosis him because they don't know him.

Let's see...he's getting 20% from the VA for depression. 

Yep, I'm crazy, he's right!

WARNING....Don't marry a submariner!  OMR and I can tell you, it's not fun!

[Ez]

Thats the difference between someone in MCL and not in MCL.  We listen, hear and accept the opinions of people around us.  We can acknowledge our own shortcomings and take action to change them.  We are responsible and accept responsibility for our actions.  In MCL it's like a filter has been placed around the person that either denies access or changes and distorts all the incoming messages.  I can have a conversation with a dozen different people who all think along the same lines and then have the same conversation with H and he hears it and responds completely differently from everyone else.  It's like all the messages going in and out are warped by this MCL filter

Ready, I completely agree with you, my H believes he is making the right choice for the first time ever.  Yet  he is blind to the hurt he is causing his boys and me, blind to the debt he is accumulating, and blind to the damage he is doing to himself emotionally and psychologically.  Once again it's the filter that allows them to see and hear things in a distorted fashion.

I've been really angry and emotional today and have had the MCL conversation with H in my head all day.  I know why you want to have the MCL conversation with your MCLer because I want to have it to.  But the bottom line is it wont go the way it does in your head and they wont respond the way you or people around you would until they are ready to hear it. 

So my question is how do you know when they are ready to hear it and by whom?

Hugs and take care

Ez xx

[NoRegrets]

Hmm...

Yeah, I think the label "Mid Life Crisis" is a hot button. If you said to your spouse, "You're having a mid-life crisis!" it would feel like their true angst is being minimized or made generic, when what they are feeling is unique to their own circumstances, and thus very colorful, very raw, very pointed, very terrifying.

And, there is no point in trying to be rational with someone who is in a panic, whose brain is not functional. They're not able to focus on linear explanations.

I think therapy with a skilled practitioner might help them with points of discovery, perhaps to skillfully integrate all the pieces of their fragmented thinking, to help them match their truths with all the right questions.  But they have to be ready.

In replay, they're addicted to the high of their new passion, usually the OP. They're in a lot of pain otherwise.

You can tell a drug addict, "You're addicted to that drug. It's harmful to you. You have some issues to work on from your childhood." But it won't change the behavior, the cravings, the desire to flee from the very real pressures of any life, let alone a troubled life.

It's too painful for them to take a good hard look at all the destruction they've caused. The OP makes it feel better. The denial makes it acceptable--they can deal with it all another day. 

And so they run and they run from the truth.


The funny thing is, I think the spouse knows so much more about the MLC'er than any other person on the face of the earth--maybe in a lot of ways more than the MLC'er even knows him or herself. We'd be ideal for helping to direct the therapist. I'm collecting my thoughts on my H's MLC--what may have led up to his eventual "break."  I often think, wouldn't it be great to hand this letter off to a therapist as a starting point, or perhaps as background for H's IC?  But even this is a work in progress--lots of remembering everything he told me about his childhood, his reactions to different incidents, etc. My theories are just theories. It's taking me a long time to come up with my ideas about abandonments he's suffered, insults he's taken, failures he's felt. I'm just an amateur with a personal interest. I can't imagine my husband wanting to do this work, and there are so many more details racing around in his head, so much more pain for him.

Hmm...